More than one girl?

Join Our Community

As the Collar Turns:

Collarchat.com - BDSM Forum

Home Login Event Calendars Search

Espanol

Deutsch

Francais

Italiano

Portugues

More than one girl?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> More than one girl?

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

More than one girl? - 12/31/2004 3:56:39 PM

aiyla

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline

Hello everyone.
I am sure this has been addressed over and over and over again but this girl is new to collarme and would like Your opinions if i may?
A girl has no problem with multiple partners. aiyla is bisexual and actually loves when other girls join the mix. aiyla's problem comes with the collaring of more than one. This one had to end things with her last Master because she just could not get past this insecurity.
Not to go into her own past relationships she just mentions it to hear Your thoughts on it. How do You all think and feel when You have more than that You collar and make such a commitment to. aiyla knows she couldn't serve more than one true Master so how does Master feel for more than one girl? This girl just simply cannot understand.

Post #: 1

RE: More than one girl? - 12/31/2004 4:35:51 PM

Interesdom

Posts: 55
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline

I would think that, as with any other polyamourous relationship, long-term success in owning two slaves is only possible if the two slaves have a defined relationship between themselves as well as with their master. With that proviso, it is clearly possible to have two slaves and any jealousy issues are likely to be resolved, if only out of reasonableness.

(in reply to aiyla)

Post #: 2

RE: More than one girl? - 12/31/2004 6:25:33 PM

RealityFix

Posts: 156
Joined: 8/12/2004
Status: offline

The biggest mistake I see poly Doms doing is setting "hierarchies" with first second etc....................

Which tends to lead to jealousy since one girl will be made to feel inferior to another. Not a very smart system,if you ask me- seniority is for labor unions guys..........

The most sucessful poly things I have seen made the girls equals in a family sort of arrangement. Then the girls were more like intimate sisters and lovers,rather than being placed on the steps of a ladder. This cut the jealousy WAY down, since no one felt left out, or that they were getting more attention,etc....................

It's no wonder that most poly things fall apart ,when a Master and his so called "primary" make the third girl feel like an "insigificant other"!

(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 3

RE: More than one girl? - 1/1/2005 6:54:23 AM

masterLon3446

Posts: 36
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Hello everyone.
I am sure this has been addressed over and over and over again but this girl is new to collarme and would like Your opinions if i may?
A girl has no problem with multiple partners. aiyla is bisexual and actually loves when other girls join the mix. aiyla's problem comes with the collaring of more than one. This one had to end things with her last Master because she just could not get past this insecurity.
Not to go into her own past relationships she just mentions it to hear Your thoughts on it. How do You all think and feel when You have more than that You collar and make such a commitment to. aiyla knows she couldn't serve more than one true Master so how does Master feel for more than one girl? This girl just simply cannot understand.[/quote

Many do not understand the relationship of the polyamorous family. Both are loved and cared for by the Dominant, Both are collared when they deserve to be. One is the alpha slave, the first in the relationship, The other is secondary, But only because she is not the first to be in the relationship. The feelings for both should be the same, by the dominant. They both should also care for each other as sisters or Bi partners, When the dominant is deciding on adding a second to his relationship, both him and his slave should talk freely about this without, punishment to the slave. The main thing is to keep the relationship strong. Open communication is very important, the slave also should have a say in finding another to join the relationship or there will be trouble down the path. Jealousey is a major problem in all poly relationships, yes and in some single relationships also, The Dominant has to be aware of both at all times and give attention to both fair and equally, for if he does this there will be no jealousey. Not everyone is suited for a poly relationship, it may seem interesting to many Doms, But there is 2 times as much involved in takening care of two slaves, Than just one. Most can not handle the responsibility of one slave let alone two, look around, many have had more than one dominant or more than one sub/slave. If one can not keep a relationship of one on one, then two is out of the question, Accept a slave then after a year...talk to the slave concerning another being added...be safe and well on your journey...

MasterLon

(in reply to aiyla)

Post #: 4

RE: More than one girl? - 1/1/2005 7:39:17 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 2294
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I agree with what RealityFix wrote.

To the OP: If you're not comfortable being with a master who has collared more than one slave, then it's not for you and you were right to break it off when it happened. But the fact that you can't imagine serving more than one master doesn't mean a master can't have more than one slave. The relationship is not symmetrical.

Lam

quote:

ORIGINAL: RealityFix

The biggest mistake I see poly Doms doing is setting "hierarchies" with first second etc....................

Which tends to lead to jealousy since one girl will be made to feel inferior to another. Not a very smart system,if you ask me- seniority is for labor unions guys..........

(in reply to RealityFix)

Post #: 5

RE: More than one girl? - 1/3/2005 3:02:53 PM

Focus50

Posts: 423
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline

To me, collaring is committment! And I've gotta say I do wonder about the insecurities and self-esteem of any master who "needs" more than one slave. It smacks of perceived status and dick-measuring! Of course, I have no desire or need for a poly relationship so I'll let others relate how successful or otherwise they can be....

For the life of me, I can't believe any master can give 200% committment to 2 slaves for the 100% from each slave he expects in return - it's IMPOSSIBLE! A load shared is a load halved - so is love and committment....

Ending your relationship took strength, NOT insecurity! I'm monogamous (duhhh) but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have to consider alternatives for a sub partner who truly was bisexual.... Of course, she'd have to be open and honest about it. But a female partner for her doesn't require that she becomes my partner, too! Playing with 2 subs opens all kinds of possibilities but only one would ever be *MY* live-in girl. And as long as I'm the most important person in her life as she is to me, I'd most likely allow it....

Focus50.00]

(in reply to aiyla)

Post #: 6

RE: More than one girl? - 1/3/2005 7:10:02 PM

realophelia

Posts: 166
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Eastern PA
Status: offline

quote:

aiyla knows she couldn't serve more than one true Master so how does Master feel for more than one girl?

I couldn't have more than one Master (or even more than one Dom). Not that I think there's anything wrong with it, just that it would be impossible for me to do. As for the two girl thing -- my Master is married (his wife is Domme) and he cares for both of us. So it is doable.

As far as two slaves go, I wouldn't care for that either and hope it's something I won't have to deal with. I have been told however that Doms sometimes like having two slaves because they enjoy the different dynamics they have with each.

Yours truly,
Ophelia

< Message edited by realophelia -- 1/5/2005 4:48:59 PM >

_____________________________

"And every one of them words rang true And glowed like burning coal Pouring off of every page Like it was written in my soul..."

http://realophelia.com/

(in reply to aiyla)

Post #: 7

RE: More than one girl? - 1/3/2005 8:43:35 PM

MizSuz

Posts: 1416
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Ok, this is ONE femdom's opinion. Your mileage may vary.

I never promise monogamy, I do promise honesty. I never give someone else the right to dictate what other relationships I'm going to have and how they may manifest themself. I do give honesty and do not put anyone at risk of ANYTHING without full disclosure and their CONSENT.

It's not for an owned slave or submissive (collar denotes OWNERSHIP) to decide how many relationships I should have and how they can manifest. When you accepted my collar you accepted that I would care for you, honor you and nurture our relationship in the way I believe is best (even if you can't see it in the moment).

If you don't believe that anymore, even if it's because your own insecurity won't allow you to believe it, then you have no business wearing my collar. If insecurity drives you then you have work to do before you are owned or we are simply not a match.

Don't accept my collar unless you are willing to accept my control.

_____________________________

Suz

In honor of the impending ski season: If you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space!

(in reply to aiyla)

Post #: 8

RE: More than one girl? - 1/3/2005 9:49:06 PM

harmony3709

Posts: 260
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSuz

Ok, this is ONE femdom's opinion. Your mileage may vary.

I never promise monogamy, I do promise honesty. I never give someone else the right to dictate what other relationships I'm going to have and how they may manifest themself. I do give honesty and do not put anyone at risk of ANYTHING without full disclosure and their CONSENT.

I congratulate you on your honesty and at the risk of sounding cynical.........will say that it is refreshing! Far too often, submissives are assured the relationship will be monogomous and suddenly are expected to accept a poly relationship. I would rather have someone tell me up front that at least it could be a possibility and allow me to decide before becoming involved whether I want to be in that relationship. It certainly makes one more worthy of respect!

harmony

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 9

RE: More than one girl? - 1/4/2005 3:51:33 AM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 636
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Central Indiana
Status: offline

I believe that each of us is responsible for understanding our own needs and desires. If you don't feel comfortable within a poly relationship make that crystal clear up front with prospective partners. Some of us enjoy being in a more extended "family" with multiple submissives under the same roof but practicing monogamy within the family. Others live other variations that serve them better. I don't believe one can categorically rule out a variation as "wrong" or unsustainable for anyone other than one's self. Be true to who and what you are but understand that not everyone shares your beliefs and values.
Best wishes,
Timothy

_____________________________

*DISCLAIMER* The above consitutes the thoughts, opinions and actions
of the author. No warranty is expressed or implied. Read at your own risk.

Body jewelry and more at wholesale prices
http://stores.ebay.com/T-and-J-Enterprises

(in reply to harmony3709)

Post #: 10

RE: More than one girl? - 1/4/2005 5:34:44 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1416
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: harmony3709

Far too often, submissives are assured the relationship will be monogomous and suddenly are expected to accept a poly relationship. I would rather have someone tell me up front that at least it could be a possibility and allow me to decide before becoming involved whether I want to be in that relationship. It certainly makes one more worthy of respect!

Harmony,

I suppose I can understand how frustrating the above could be for a submissive. As a dominant I have experience with someone accepting the bottom line and then trying to change that once they are emotionally invested. I also have experience with someone changing the rules and then, rather than discussing it with me, simply informing me of it. These relationships don't last with me.

But I can certainly see how people, especially people who rush into relationships, could use the same terminology and not be saying the same thing at all.

An example of this would be one submissive saying "I will accept your collar and submit to you" and meaning "I will accept you to love and cherish me and hold be above all others" and the dominant saying "I will collar you and accept your submission" and meaning "I will accept you to care for you and hold you as property." The two paradigms are not necessarily compatible. Without clear communication to make sure that the movies playing in both of their heads are the same then it's a clusterfuck waiting to happen.

I've seen a lot of hurtful clusterfucks that could have been avoided if the parties involved had only slowed down a bit.

< Message edited by MizSuz -- 1/4/2005 5:35:26 AM >

_____________________________

Suz

In honor of the impending ski season: If you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space!

(in reply to harmony3709)

Post #: 11

RE: More than one girl? - 1/4/2005 5:44:18 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1416
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Timothy:

I agree with you. But as a general rule, what do you suppose is the percentage of people who know themself well enough to know that they can or cannot accept a certain type of relationship once they are invested in the other person? My observations say, by and large, that the percentages are small.

I have seen a LOT of people try to shoehorn a D/s relationship into a vanilla mold and then become very upset or hurt when it doesn't fit.

Before you can openly communicate what your expectations are you MUST know what they are. I think that many newcomers to the scene would be better served by a therapist rather than a dominant. Not because there is any 'defect' in the person, but because we all have baggage and a D/s relationship can be potentially damaging for someone who's baggage is not small enough to fit under the seat in front of them.

_____________________________

Suz

In honor of the impending ski season: If you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space!

(in reply to domtimothy46176)

Post #: 12

RE: More than one girl? - 1/4/2005 6:20:56 AM

dally

Posts: 108
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

in this girl's humble opinion if a Master is inlove with me and if i satisfy and complete him he won't need a second slave. Just like i would never feel the need to serve a second Master...it is the same thing.

(in reply to aiyla)

Post #: 13

RE: More than one girl? - 1/4/2005 7:25:51 AM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 640
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

I see why you are upset at this situation. I believe to be collared is a commitment to be held above all others, forgive my borrowing MizSuz, you just says things so well.

The poly relationships work for many, (a lot of whom are on this site and will tell you) but I agree with MizSuz that honesty is a must. It is okay for you to say up front in your future relationships that it does not work for you to be one of many collared slaves. You don't have to share sweetie. It has also been said here that there is a jealousy issue sometimes and I believe it comes from the time sharing. If you are okay with being alone half the week, then so be it, but aiyla, would you settle for that? Stick to your priorities--you are not less of a slave for them. You are just looking out for your happiness as well. I'm sure the Dom/mes would agree that they would rather have no slave than an unhappy one. JMO.

< Message edited by sweetpleaser -- 1/4/2005 7:39:13 AM >

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to aiyla)

Post #: 14

RE: More than one girl? - 1/4/2005 2:13:05 PM

MizSuz

Posts: 1416
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dally

in this girl's humble opinion if a Master is inlove with me and if i satisfy and complete him he won't need a second slave. Just like i would never feel the need to serve a second Master...it is the same thing.

dally,

I've heard this before and suppose for some it is as you say. A lot of different factors come in to play, though.

To give you an example: I'm a sadist. I've been told by some that my tastes tend to run to the 'edge' although I'll admit that 'edge play' is subject to interpretation and perspective. I'm of the opinion, however, that a masochist or submissive or slave who wishes to satisfy ALL my sadistic tendencies has a death wish and perhaps they just don't know it. It's unreasonable to expect that one body can endure everything one sadist has to dish out, physiologically speaking.

Another example: Have you ever worked for one person who was quite capable of keeping 10 people busy enough to consume 10 hour days? Imagine if that was all given to one person because the person thought "If I were good enough I could meet all their needs." You'd go crazy from exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy in short order. There are many dominants who have the skills (and the work) to keep a 'stable' busy. (I really don't like that term, but hope that it conveys my meaning.)

There are an infinite number of reasons why having only one slave/sub/bottom could be a problem for a dominant, and I haven't even discussed emotional wants and needs, sexual preferences and orientations, and personal ethics.

Being a dominant woman who will NOT promise monogamy (whether I choose to practice it or not) but who requires monogamy (or even chastity) from an owned slave, I can understand the desire to be the 'only one' in a person's life. I think it's ok to ask for what you want, in fact to insist on it in a relationship. It's important, however, for the submissive to look at their reasons and determine whether they are submitting to the dominant or submitting to their own fantasy of submission. I'm not saying that one is better than the other, I'm saying that without a clear understanding of your motivations it's possible (or probable) to end up in damaging relationships.

Aside from my personal belief that it is not a submissive's place to dictate sexual freedoms to a dominant, I whole heartedly agree that understanding YOURSELF so that you can clearly communicate your bottom line (whether you are dominant or submissive) is essential in finding a good match. I think, however, that it's important for someone to not only know what they want, but also to know why they want it. Endeavoring to understand these things about ourself will inevitably lead to better relationships, less drama and clearer understandings of where our commitments and boundaries lay in our kink.

_____________________________

Suz

In honor of the impending ski season: If you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space!

(in reply to dally)

Post #: 15

RE: More than one girl? - 1/4/2005 6:59:19 PM

harmony3709

Posts: 260
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSuz

An example of this would be one submissive saying "I will accept your collar and submit to you" and meaning "I will accept you to love and cherish me and hold be above all others" and the dominant saying "I will collar you and accept your submission" and meaning "I will accept you to care for you and hold you as property." The two paradigms are not necessarily compatible. Without clear communication to make sure that the movies playing in both of their heads are the same then it's a clusterfuck waiting to happen.

I've seen a lot of hurtful clusterfucks that could have been avoided if the parties involved had only slowed down a bit.

This I definitely agree with and personally, I can't even begin to think of accepting a collar if the subject of monogamy/poly had not been discussed and both sides stated their specific definitions, although I have also seen others jump into a collar without having one of those discussions starting with: Exactly what do YOU mean by monogamous? So slow down and look before you leap! After all, one person in the relationship could consider monogamous to occasionally involve other partners in play and the other may mean no other people PERIOD. So it takes more than just saying, do you expect monogamoy? It takes discussion in detail.

My personal reference was more when that discussion of definitions and expectations takes place, agreements are made, and suddenly there is a change in the game plan. With that said, I also will concede that yes, by the very nature of a D/s relationship, a Dominant is given the right to change the rules at any time, so I will admit that I have a hard time stating outright that exercising that right is in itself wrong. (Hmmm......do I sound confused here? Ok, I will admit that I am when it comes to these kinds of generalized topics as opposed to an individual scenario.)

As to knowing whether one will be comfortable accepting a poly relationship before becoming emotionally involved, I think that is only something you can guess at. I've seen those who think they can handle occasional play partners with their Dom and then find that it is not as easy at they thought it would be. If this is a hypothetical situation for you, I think it's best to realize that when faced with reality, you may or may not react as you thought you would. Leave yourself open to accept that before going down that road. You may be disappointed, and on the other hand, you may be pleasantly surprised!!

harmony

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 16

RE: More than one girl? - 1/5/2005 12:40:08 AM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 636
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Central Indiana
Status: offline

Timothy:

I agree with you. But as a general rule, what do you suppose is the percentage of people who know themself well enough to know that they can or cannot accept a certain type of relationship once they are invested in the other person? My observations say, by and large, that the percentages are small.

I have seen a LOT of people try to shoehorn a D/s relationship into a vanilla mold and then become very upset or hurt when it doesn't fit.

Before you can openly communicate what your expectations are you MUST know what they are. I think that many newcomers to the scene would be better served by a therapist rather than a dominant. Not because there is any 'defect' in the person, but because we all have baggage and a D/s relationship can be potentially damaging for someone who's baggage is not small enough to fit under the seat in front of them.

_____________________________

Suz

Agreed, and this is why I advise against getting into relationships without doing the necessary soul-searching. IMNSHO, too many folks rush off to grab the first collar/submissive that comes along without giving due consideration to the long-term implications of what they're agreeing to. I think all of us have some accumulation of baggage from things we've experienced or been taught. However, we have a responsibility, not only to ourselves but also to our potential partners to understand how that baggage affects our ability to function as rational adults within our relationships. WIITWD is not a game and too many treat it as such, never taking the time to consider the consequences of poor decision-making.

Timothy

_____________________________

*DISCLAIMER* The above consitutes the thoughts, opinions and actions
of the author. No warranty is expressed or implied. Read at your own risk.

Body jewelry and more at wholesale prices
http://stores.ebay.com/T-and-J-Enterprises

(in reply to harmony3709)

Post #: 17

RE: More than one girl? - 1/5/2005 3:02:49 AM

shylittleheart

Posts: 100
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Personaly would love to have more then one sister collared to Master. Id love it and not just because i am bisexual. I just wish i was allowed to spend time with other males. Master believes in poly but abit one sided with only females, no males allowed. I dont like it but honor His wish. I believe in a well rounded poly relationship. But we dont always get what we want as a slave.....As long as He is happy, i will be happy......as the saying goes is not always true.

We put our Owners wishes, desires and demands first and foremost above ours and hope in time Theirs will change and allow one to grow and the relationship to be fullfilled. Living with a sadist is hard and miss the loving caring side also.......

shy

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 18

RE: More than one girl? - 1/5/2005 3:51:09 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

My Master wishto eventualy have more submissives, but he also have wanted me to be happy. I am his future wife and we love one another. So even if we as Master and Submissive he would do whatever he pleases, he has alwoed me to say when and if i am ready for this, we anyway need more training and understanding before we do this anyway, so it would be a long way of.

(in reply to shylittleheart)

Post #: 19

RE: More than one girl? - 1/5/2005 5:42:02 AM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 640
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

See, this is another case in point of how a relationship changes. In the beginning when you discussed a poly household with him, hopefully before you were emotionally involved, you most likely assumed it went both ways and now he says no. It is true his wishes outweigh yours but I personally believe that this will breed resentment in you in the long run and can't be good for a relationship. You are not being selfish. Maybe discuss it more with him during an honesty session. Good luck.

ps: typo

< Message edited by sweetpleaser -- 1/5/2005 5:13:31 PM >

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to shylittleheart)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> More than one girl?

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Collarchat.com is a member of the Free Speech Coalition

Terms of Service

0.182