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RE: More than one girl?


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RE: More than one girl? - 1/24/2005 3:37:22 PM   
Cyis75


Posts: 60
Joined: 8/31/2004
From: California
Status: offline 		A little late to the conversation but one that befits my situation being poly... One thing I didn't see more pointedly put out, although mentioned indirectly, is that poly isn't for everyone and involves a whole lot of energy and committment in order to make it work.Yes it is possible, but it will take a lot on the part of everyone that is involved in the relationship. Whether it is a couple that are both dominant finding a submissive to serve them, a couple that are in a D/s or M/s relationship and seeking another submissive to join or any other combination possible.

It was mentioned early with regards to jealousy... From my own experience directly in this situation I can say that jealousy is a factor, and one you can't ignore. You have to be able to constructively deal with your emotions to be able to enter into a working poly situation and accept that you will have to deal with these emotions. We'd be inhuman if we didn't have them, it's not a negative factor unless it's handled negatively.As well as had been mentioned equality is not an easy balance to find and maintain no matter how much you want it to be. Everyone needs to be aware of that from the beginning and be prepared to have to deal with those issues from time to time as it rears it's head.

Myself I'm not actively looking for a new submissive to take on but it's always an option given our relationship dynamics and boundaries that have already been established. However, it is not someting entered into lightly given past experience that have taught the hard lesson of taking time slowly.

To the OP, I'd say if you feel you you can't serve one who has another or wants another than that is not a bad thing. That is just something you should be open and honest about with someone you're talking about serving. I would not consider your unwillingness to deal with that any less submissive, although if it was brought up after the fact and not addressed earlier at a more opportune time I could see if causing serious conflicts. Whether poly or not communication is still key and it's even more so within a poly situation as it's not simply 2 relationship but more like 4 and grows exponentially the more people involved.

(in reply to sweetsubbunny)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: More than one girl? - 1/24/2005 4:30:44 PM   
Darthbetta


Posts: 314
Joined: 12/16/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Interesdom

I would think that, as with any other polyamourous relationship, long-term success in owning two slaves is only possible if the two slaves have a defined relationship between themselves as well as with their master. With that proviso, it is clearly possible to have two slaves and any jealousy issues are likely to be resolved, if only out of reasonableness.

A TRIAGE

I am loving mine right now, but emotional dependancy must be like an equilateral triangle. ALL SIDES EQUAL, and CENTRALY FOCUSED on the same goal.

GOAL = HAPPINESS

_____________________________

Some of us have an inane knack for calling people on their Bullshit... I just choose to retort with bitter dry Sarcasm, and occasionaly it sinks in.
MASTERBETTA1 on Yahell IM.

(in reply to Interesdom)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: More than one girl? - 3/17/2005 10:16:43 PM   
jilleena


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline
Very interesting posts on this topic. i am a collared 24/7 submissive. i knew when i first started talking with my Master that playing with more then one submissive is what He desired and wanted. This is something that i had fantasized about but had not acted on yet. Master and i talked at great lengths about this aspect of our relationship and i told Him that i made no promises but i wasn't going to say never.

Two years later, we now have a girl under the protection of our house. She is not owned and does not live with us. She is however a regular play partner of Masters. She has a significant other of almost 20 years, who supports her endeavor in the lifestyle. He has met with us, dined with us, and all four of us get along famously.

This is an ongoing conversation between Master and i. It is something we revisit often, because as time goes on the journey changes, as does thoughts and feelings. Master knows that i could not handle Him owning another submissive nor could i handle having another submissive living under our roof. Do i get the final decision on this? i wish!! *LOL* Master allows me my opinions, ideas, and comments. He takes all of it into consideration when He makes a decision.

The one thing that i am truely greatful for is the fact that my Master has taken this process very slowly with me. i'm sure it's more slowly then He would prefer things to go sometimes, but He understands that this is new for me and can see the progress i've made in the last two years and sees the potention for furter progress in the future. With seeing the potential further down the road His thinking is it will only mean bigger and better things later on. So He opts to let me take my time in getting comfortable with where we are at right now at this stage in our relationship before He presses onward.

There are some that would not agree with my Master's approach to this and that's ok. Not all of us deal with situations in the same way. All of us have to individualize our journeys and i wish each and everyone of us the best of luck and hope that you find what you are seeking.

Honored to be His,
jilleena

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: More than one girl? - 3/18/2005 3:54:24 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 634
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Wow, some incredible insights here! I have to agree that you are either poly or you're not. I think it's a particular mindset, but who knows? My husband and I are both Dominants and right now we have one submissive, a male that answers mainly to me. Granted if you had asked him six months ago if he would get involved in a poly relationship he would have told you no way. But we met and clicked, I think that's how it happens sometimes, and he is living here now and I just adore him. And yes, we are looking for the one that clicks with Scooter now.

There are so many different views on poly relationships, I don't think one works any better or any worse then the other, I think it's all about what the individuals are happy with. For us it's all about making that emotional committment, there has to be a bond between us, between the Dominant and submissive as well as with everyone involved. I absolutely agree that in the beginning there has to be a strong committed relationship between the original couple, as well as LOTS and LOTS of open and honest communication, but it can't stop there... the communication has to be an ongoing thing between everyone. My advice to anyone considering a poly home is to talk, talk and talk, and when you think you are done.... talk more. Be open and honest about the possibility of jealousy and insecurities, but don't forget to take other things into consideration as well... As a "family" you have to keep in mind that everyone has their "off" days, they don't feel well, someone at work bitched at them all day, you know the scenerio, in those instances you have to remember that you are a "family", that person isn't just a submissive or a Dominant, they are human and come complete with all the emotions.

quote:

poly isn't for everyone and involves a whole lot of energy and committment in order to make it work.Yes it is possible, but it will take a lot on the part of everyone that is involved in the relationship.


That can never be said enough!

Jewel

_____________________________

ShiftedJewel of PhoenixRisen

(in reply to aiyla)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: More than one girl? - 3/20/2005 3:19:45 AM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 267
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		As SJ stated, communication is the key element, in our case, not only with the subs/slaves, but between us. I have to honestly believe, that with adequate communication, any combination mentioned of a poly relationship will work. If there is one emotion that absolutely must not be allowed into the equation however, it's jealously. This is not something that can be controlled, it simply must not exist. If it does exist, there is some insecurity that must be dealt with, this may be as simple as talking it out and finding out why it exists and perhaps thwart any unfounded concerns, but to enter into a poly relationship and not deal with it head on, would appear to me to be irresponsible. It is a family you are building, call it what you will with the heirarchy, but it still is a concerted effort on everyone's part that will make or break the relationship. IMHO

_____________________________

Scooter.....It's not the destination..it's the journey

(in reply to aiyla)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: More than one girl? - 3/28/2005 4:37:53 PM   
Seastar


Posts: 10
Joined: 3/26/2005
Status: offline 		More than one girl? YES!

edited to remove names

< Message edited by ModeratorEight -- 4/11/2005 7:54:02 AM >

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: More than one girl? - 3/28/2005 4:45:12 PM   
ModeratorFive


Posts: 193
Joined: 4/22/2004
Status: offline 		you may want to change your profile then, as it says "Submissive" there.

Mod5

(in reply to Seastar)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: More than one girl? - 3/28/2005 9:07:47 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 1752
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSuz

Ok, this is ONE femdom's opinion. Your mileage may vary.

I never promise monogamy, I do promise honesty. I never give someone else the right to dictate what other relationships I'm going to have and how they may manifest themself. I do give honesty and do not put anyone at risk of ANYTHING without full disclosure and their CONSENT.

It's not for an owned slave or submissive (collar denotes OWNERSHIP) to decide how many relationships I should have and how they can manifest. When you accepted my collar you accepted that I would care for you, honor you and nurture our relationship in the way I believe is best (even if you can't see it in the moment).

If you don't believe that anymore, even if it's because your own insecurity won't allow you to believe it, then you have no business wearing my collar. If insecurity drives you then you have work to do before you are owned or we are simply not a match.

Don't accept my collar unless you are willing to accept my control.





i love how you said that MizSuz. It does put things in a very good persepctive. (for me atleast)

_____________________________

"Someone's got to love the stupid ppl, but it sure isnt going to be me"

(in reply to MizSuz)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: More than one girl? - 3/28/2005 10:46:24 PM   
sweetobsession


Posts: 29
Joined: 4/29/2004
Status: offline 		well i know being poly is alot different maybe from what i have to say, but i have come to learn that the reasons why Masters or Mistresses seek more than one slave is because of one reason alone. I am not bashing Dominants in any way but i have learned that when you try to acquire a slave it is a challenge, i mean you cant just go up to someone and just say that you own them but you have to work at it till it is achieved. All Dominants crave challenges and once you own the slave you already have her or him so that makes that challenge over, and without a challenge there you crave more so some Dominants seek for other challenges amongst other submissives. It doesnt mean so much that the Dominant doesnt love or care about their slave but it is who they are. Also even though all Dominants crave this it doesnt mean that all act upon it either. If they are truely bonded with the slave some Dominants choose to fight the cravings and to be satisfied with who they are with. I know it doesn stop the hurt though, went through the same thing with an old Master i just recently lost due to the same situation you are in, but i have come to understand though why these things take place. it comes down to noone chooses what we are, we just are what we are, . for years i thought i was a slave but then i figured out that what i truely was was a switch so i do know both sides of being Dommed and then being the Domme, so i speak from experience as a Dominant also. You cant stop being a slave no matter how hard you try but if the pain does get too great you can just not act upon it. There is always a difference between you knowing you are something and then acting upon it. One mre thing before i post this reply, never forget that you arent alone and feel that someone hasnt been through the same thing you are going through before. There are lots of people that share your confusion and pain, i guess the only problem is is finding those people. I wish you the best of luck sweetie and if you ever need me you can send me an email through here.
quote:

ORIGINAL: aiyla

Hello everyone.
I am sure this has been addressed over and over and over again but this girl is new to collarme and would like Your opinions if i may?
A girl has no problem with multiple partners. aiyla is bisexual and actually loves when other girls join the mix. aiyla's problem comes with the collaring of more than one. This one had to end things with her last Master because she just could not get past this insecurity.
Not to go into her own past relationships she just mentions it to hear Your thoughts on it. How do You all think and feel when You have more than that You collar and make such a commitment to. aiyla knows she couldn't serve more than one true Master so how does Master feel for more than one girl? This girl just simply cannot understand.


(in reply to aiyla)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: More than one girl? - 3/29/2005 12:57:42 PM   
stormsfate


Posts: 846
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I am not bashing Dominants in any way but i have learned that when you try to acquire a slave it is a challenge, i mean you cant just go up to someone and just say that you own them but you have to work at it till it is achieved. All Dominants crave challenges and once you own the slave you already have her or him so that makes that challenge over, and without a challenge there you crave more so some Dominants seek for other challenges amongst other submissives. It doesnt mean so much that the Dominant doesnt love or care about their slave but it is who they are. Also even though all Dominants crave this it doesnt mean that all act upon it either.


I think its absurd to think there is one reason that motivates all dominants (but just in case, I'd better inform my owner that he is supposed to think like this since he's dominant...lol). Thats like saying that all women are bad drivers.


best regards,
f

(in reply to sweetobsession)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: More than one girl? - 3/30/2005 2:37:05 PM   
Archer


Posts: 150
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Well Focus50 had the simplest statement, of the One slave side of the issue,


For the life of me, I can't believe any master can give 200% committment to 2 slaves for the 100% from each slave he expects in return - it's IMPOSSIBLE! A load shared is a load halved - so is love and committment....
quote:

For the life of me, I can't believe any master can give 200% committment to 2 slaves for the 100% from each slave he expects in return - it's IMPOSSIBLE! A load shared is a load halved - so is love and committment....



Unfortunatly there are some problems with the math,
Assumption #1 that I have to disagree with is the idea that there is a finite ammount of love a person can give. My evidence to back up my contention that the ammount of love a person can give is Infinite is CHILDREN if there were a finite ammount of love then we could not love our children and our mates at the same time. We would have to choose ONE child or our mate if we intended to give ALL our love to 1 person.

Commitment, what are you commiting to In my house the commitment is to the House both my own commitment and my slave's commitment, We have pledged to do what is best for the household first. The household is bigger than the both of us, the concept is called Transpersonal commitment, commitment to something bigger than yourself.

Also Lost in the mix is the idea that I as a Master may want a second third or fourth slave purely for service of a non sexual nature.
I would love a Houseboy, and if the opportunity came along I'd grab one up in a minute flat, nothing sexual about it. However I would have to first confirm that the said houseboy was in fact going to be getting his needs met by such a relationship, failure to address that would be a breach of ethical ownership. Focus 50 did touch well on this idea when mentioning the idea that other arrangemnts would have to be made for a bisexual slave.

The hearts and flowers, kinder gentler D/s, discribed so often here and so many places on CollarMe tends to miss the harder aspects of OBEDIENCE and SERVICE when it's not something that is easy for the slave/submissive to give.

What does the contract say?
Why did you not object to the clause in the contract when the relationship was still being negotiated?

People you do yourselves a huge disservice when you don't negotiate well and honestly and in good faith.

In Leather

Archer

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: More than one girl? - 3/30/2005 5:36:42 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 700
Joined: 3/30/2005
From: NC, USA
Status: offline 		This has been quite an interesting topic to follow. I've been giving a lot of thought to poly lately. In the past I always rejected it, more out of reflex than anything else. I was raised with very conservative values, especially regarding relationships and monogamy. Despite that, over the years I have had a number of people who have known me (both dominants and submissives) tell me I should be poly. For the most part I simply dismissed the comments. Lately I've been asking myself why they said that, was it something they saw in me I didn't see in myself? If so, what was it they saw, what quality or qualities did they see in me that made them feel I would be good in a poly relationship.

Here then is my question. What qualities specifcially contribute to making a dominant well suited to a poly relationship? What skills, knowledge, experiences, character traits, etc would be conducive to this. I've already got some of my own thoughts, but I'd really like to hear what others think about it.

For me personally I'm reaching a point where I feel in between on the matter. I can still see myself being perfectly happy in a monogamous relationship with the right lass... but I have also come to a point where I can see myself happy in a relationship with more than one slave. Its been an interesting bit of personal exploration.

Padriag


(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: More than one girl? - 4/13/2005 5:25:08 PM   
MastrDK


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		well I for 1 am all for poly that being said it is not a 1 way street...the house is poly... I Consider myself a kind loving and understanding man who knows whats sauce for the goose so to speak... so we are now just accepting hopefully soon another Master into the house...there has to be some chain of command yes but... COMMUNICATION is the ONLY key to success... and although slave will be alpha... one and all have a say in the day to day running of the household.. being a Master does not make me all seeing and always right..more often than not good discussions with subs/slaves and other Dom/mes bring out good ideas...we all occasionally get caught up in lateral thinking and occasionally cannot see the woods for the trees.. so before you step into this realm 1 of which I have lived for some 20+ years remember this is not all about me me me share talk love and listen and all things are possible as long as you all want them bad enough.....ohhh and yes we are looking for at least 1 more girl lol

< Message edited by MastrDK -- 4/13/2005 5:26:08 PM >

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: More than one girl? - 4/16/2005 11:58:04 AM   
WayHome


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSuz

Timothy:

I agree with you. But as a general rule, what do you suppose is the percentage of people who know themself well enough to know that they can or cannot accept a certain type of relationship once they are invested in the other person? My observations say, by and large, that the percentages are small.



Very small.

But then developing insight is to me one of the goals/rewards/tasks of BDSM. Know thyself, and what better school than this crucible we call the "lifestyle"?


Leto

(in reply to MizSuz)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: More than one girl? - 4/16/2005 12:32:39 PM   
WayHome


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smilezz

quote:

The biggest mistake I see poly Doms doing is setting "hierarchies" with first second etc....


Actually, the biggest mistake i have seen in alot of relationships such as these IS the fact they set it out as equals.



I can see it possibly working both ways, but the subs being equals would be VERY hard if one sub had been in the relationship a lot longer than the other for the exact reasons you listed. I think the feeling, stated or not might be something like, "How could this new girl presume to have as much of Him as I? Did the last 10 years went spent together mean nothing?" While the new sub might think, "How am I supposed to know what do do as well as she does when I just got here." And the Dom might call them equal but novelty and her needs means he is likely to spent more attention to the newest. There are a pair of girls here on CM calling themselves "sisters looking for a master". So they already have a relationship between them that they have worked out and I have no doubt they could avoid the pitfalls of "equality". I'd like to see how their search goes....

No relationship, vanilla or otherwise is ever truly "equal". One always has more power than the other even if the difference is slight. My hippie upbringing made me resist this truth for many years but now I accept it. So if two subs go in expecting to be "perfectly" equal and them one is slightly "more equal", jealousy will ensue. If they have the maturity to accept equality as an ideal while realizing it will never be exact, then it might work.

On the other hand I think a hierarchal approach is far more practical and likely to succeed. This is one of the reasons my pet and I seek a slightly younger sub. We picture the dynamic a bit like that of the dominant husband with a submissive wife who is still clearly above the children (except with a lot of sex thrown in ). Since we have no children and never will, our girl should enjoy a lifetime of devotion and guidance along with the kinkiness. So right off the bat a girl meeting us will know she will not be replacing j in any way, and that equality is never an issue.


Leto

(in reply to smilezz)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: More than one girl? - 4/16/2005 12:35:24 PM   
WayHome


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline 		My spelling and grammar are horrible today :-(

(in reply to WayHome)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: More than one girl? - 4/16/2005 11:47:54 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 636
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Central Indiana
Status: offline 		I see the advantage of having an acknowledged hierarchy in terms of accountability. I don't want to try and micromanage a houseful of sevants. I want clear lines of responsibility. For me that means one girl in charge of making certain the house runs according to my will and others working under her in areas for which they are directly responsible. I understand why it's a distasteful idea to some but I think it's imminently practical and efficient.
Timothy

_____________________________

*DISCLAIMER* The above consitutes the thoughts, opinions and actions
of the author. No warranty is expressed or implied. Read at your own risk.

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(in reply to WayHome)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: More than one girl? - 4/17/2005 6:46:19 AM   
LordGeriant


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		Master Lon

I was very interested in your response I have had two slaves both collared to me and both very good sisters to each other we did not have a problem at all but now I have released one of the girls to do other things and am left with what was my second slave. now I desire to take on another and slave is showing signs that she is unhappy with the girl I am speaking to why as yet is not clear they do talk to each other. I have grave concerns about if although she misses her sister she feels unable to accept what she sees as a replacement for bex. any suggestions will be helpful
LG

(in reply to masterLon3446)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: More than one girl? - 4/17/2005 6:46:31 PM   
timorous


Posts: 18
Joined: 4/7/2005
Status: offline

Some mention has been made of ranking and I would like to speak on that.

I am just entering a poly relationship that already has two girls in it and interestingly they want me as alpha sub. This is not because of anything I am but because they feel that that is the position that they need filled.

They have all talked on this and worked it out for themselves according to their own needs. It doesn't mean that I am any better than the other two in any way but that neither of my two new sub sisters are able to fill that role. Master has his own set of criteria and they have negotiated over time what level of commitment they are logistically able to provide.

In my last relationship I was definitely no.2. I would have been happy to be in that position again. I feel that being the alpha gives me responsibilities not only for my Master but also an increased sense of duty and care for my sisters' happiness and welfare too.

I look forward to being able to prove myself worthy of the honour.

(in reply to LordGeriant)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: More than one girl? - 4/18/2005 12:46:38 AM   
MissCrystalBlade


Posts: 17
Joined: 4/14/2005
Status: offline 		For my family, it works for us to have an alpha sub and "secondary" subs. It isn't that the other subs are less than the alpha but that the alpha is the sub I have been with longest. I would also like to point out that in my home, if I am not present then my alpha makes the decisions since he has more experience with me than the rest of them so he has a better idea of how I would deal with a situation. I also agree that there isn't a symmetric relationship between a sub having two Dominants and a Dominant having two subs. Each sub brings something different to the family as each is a unique person. This community isnt full of cookie-cutter subs. Within my family, my alpha isn't a true masochist. While I can beat him to tears, his responses aren't the same as a masochist so it is less enjoyable for me. Enter a pain slut. Being bisexual, I choose to also have a fem sub since male subs just can't quite fill that mold. While I realize that this approach does not work for every relationship, it works very well for my family. If you choose to enter into a relationship and you are not willing to accept multiple subs, you need to make that clear from the beginning. It is better to not get involved than to have the trust violated later.

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 60
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