RE: a view on poly relationships

Join Our Community

As the Collar Turns:

Collarchat.com - BDSM Forum

Home Login Event Calendars Search

RE: a view on poly relationships

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> RE: a view on poly relationships

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/18/2005 4:55:44 PM

1CHRONDOM

Posts: 23
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Paulnz

OK opening a book on how long it will last, I say 6 months to a year at the most. When alyssa finds Master spending too much time with sister, alyssa gets very mad and runs off with milkman.

Damn dude? Give it the benifit of doubt! Shouldn't you say something like "good luck with your relationship? Positive energy is a much better vibe to give than negitive..thats all I'm saying.
To the poster..lol redundent but good luck with your new sister and relationship..

Peace

(in reply to Paulnz)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/18/2005 5:53:49 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: 1CHRONDOM

Damn dude? Give it the benifit of doubt! Shouldn't you say something like "good luck with your relationship? Positive energy is a much better vibe to give than negitive..thats all I'm saying.
To the poster..lol redundent but good luck with your new sister and relationship..

Peace

The polite thing is of course to smile and offer congratulations.

The honest thing is not so fluffy and sweet.

(in reply to 1CHRONDOM)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/18/2005 6:27:12 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The polite thing is of course to smile and offer congratulations.

The honest thing is not so fluffy and sweet.

With a positive mindset, the honest thing can also be the polite thing.

Of course, the naysayers said we wouldn't last six months. The best revenge is living well.

Lady Zephyr

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: a view on poly - 11/18/2005 7:18:05 PM

alandraofMists

Posts: 31
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline

quote]there won't be time spent more with one or the other because we will be together with Him. just to clarify a few things....

[/quote]

Do I understand this statement right? That your Master will never spend any time alone with one or the other of you girls. He will balance all time equally? How about sexually, always using both of you in the same night? What about days off work.....? What if He has only days off with one of you and the other is working etc?

To make the statement that you did is not based on reality, but based in a fantasy of equality.

Bring into the factor of work and extended family.... is every one going to know and accept that you are a poly family?

For instance, my sis and I do not spend equal time alone in face to face interactions with our Lord for the simple fact that sis does not live in the same city as we do. When she moves here it is likely that there will still be a difference in the amount of alone time since she will work outside of the House and her time off may not coincide with our Lord's.

Because of the difference in our responsibilities; sis's interactions are more intense and condensed interactions, where as my interactions are more interrupted and disbursed though the day.

However, the fact that we do not have the same amount of alone time does not make less significance to our Lord or our relationships. Nor does it affect our perception of the importance of each other.

Knight’s alandra

(in reply to Nuitarisalyssa)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/18/2005 7:21:43 PM

stormsfate

Posts: 846
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The polite thing is of course to smile and offer congratulations.

The honest thing is not so fluffy and sweet.

The honest thing is MOST relationships are short-lived. Its also honest to say that while probables are against girls who are 19 and 21 still being in the same relationship 20 years from now, even a relationship of a few months can be positive, and depending on what they take from it, can still be considered successful.

How does one measure success? I think a lot of people measure it by length of time, despite the fact that the people involved may be miserable and hate each other...lol. (argggh....yes, we have a successful relationship...been married darn near 60, years but heck...haven't spoken to each other in the last 30!!!) Anyway...from time to time I see people measure it by other standards...like what they have learned about self, personal growth, friendship, etc. I would think that would be a more accurate measure of success <shrug>.

Hey L...didn't you say once that people said *your* relationship wouldn't last? I heard it more than once and yet December 6 will mark the tenth anniversary of when my Master brought me to live with him. I heard it again a little over a year ago when vision joined the family (hmmm...I think even once from you, although it was in a nice way). My mother married my father when she was 16 years old and they are still happily married more than 40 years later. It just isn't possible to predict which relationships will stand the test of time, regardless of the indicators that give odds of slim to none.

Sooooo, since smiling and offering congratulations makes someone feel good, why not do that or else not say anything at all? Besides, does anyone really say to themself...."Those folks on CollarMe said my relationship won't work, so I'm going to go ahead and end it now"? :::rolling eyes::: Of course they don't...lol. That's almost as silly as spending one's time in trying to predict the success of relationship involving people they don't even know the first thing about...lol.

Just my view........

best regards,
fate

Edited to add:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Knight's alandra

To make the statement that you did is not based on reality, but based in a fantasy of equality.

Hmmmm.... I understand that your relationship works differently from the one being described, but I hardly think that a person can call someone else's way of doing it "fantasy". Perhaps their Master chooses to only interact with them as a single unit? Perhaps they will both live with him and neither will work outside the home? Just because it isn't *your* reality doesn't make it fantasy.

I just re-read what I wrote, and alandra, I'm not coming down on you, but rather offering an alternate viewpoint. I just get a tad irked sometimes when blanket statements are made based on a few sentence posted. We don't know these people and are assuming facts that haven't been presented. Like LuckyAlbatross is so fond of saying... "if you can imagine it, someone, somewhere is happily living it".

< Message edited by stormsfate -- 11/18/2005 7:31:20 PM >

_____________________________

Storm1206 - Author of my dark desires...Owner of my soul.

stormsvision - chainsister and partner in crime.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/18/2005 8:20:19 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 823
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

[/quote]

How does one measure success?

[/quote]

I agree with you that most relationships are short lived.... and i particularly agree with you on how one perceives success in the relationship to be an important consideration. Time in of it self is indeed the benchmark that most use.... that is about as usefull as someone telling me how long they been in the lifestyle. Many state they been in this lifestyle for years, but yet this says nothing of the actual experience one has. My kyra has only been within this lifestyle for a year... the past six months she has experience more scenes of SM play and various types of SM than many that have been in the lifestyle for several years. So time is often a poor gage of most things... How often do we hear the Age Card being used... but really it is of little value... it is often used on the myth that one of many years will have the wisdom of experiences behind the years... but more that a few times one of a young age can have many experiences beyond one that is much greater in age. Then of course... it is the appropriate experience in any given situation... I may be successful as a Master/slave with many experiences of my years with alandra... but yet time is still young with kyra and thou we have had some incredible experiences... am I successfull as a Master with her... so when do I draw that line.

Lets talk about Poly... before kyra came into my life... I had a another girl... She had been in my life for approx 3 years most of which she lived in house. She left the relationship about 6 months ago. The relationship in of itself failed... but yet it was highly successful in the learning that both I and alandra gained. It was also successful for this girl since she learned much of herself in those years and left my house as Switch with her own boy. She brought him into the house and lived with us for almost 6 months before they had there own place. It was indeed a successful learning experience and a busy home with 2 submissive females and a submissive male... 7 kids - 2 dogs and One Asshole to keep things interesting.

I appreciate that everyone has the desire when they enter into a Poly relationship... any relationship for that matter, to have sort of equality between them. This is particularly seen within poly relationships. I am of the opinion that a big danger to any relationship is unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations can be points of hurt and resentment when such expectations are not met. Within Poly... the concept of Equality can become a huge unrealistic expectation. It is particular the case when we attempt define this equality too narrowly. A definition of equality that is broad and less specific will be much more effective and fullifilling that one that narrows it to the point of unrealistic. Believing that all time will be equally split is indeed unrealistic... I can consider many times when any one individual will need more specific time from their Dominant than an equal time split would allow. Time is a poor measure of need. Sometimes knowing that a Dominant makes time available for a submissive in need at the expense of time for others in the house. Yes it is a Fantasy of equality if one defines equality so narrowly that it can't be consistently fullfilled. A Just distribution of the dominant's time must be considered not only on the objective measure of time... but also on the context of any given need/situation in the moment.

It is ironic that you consider it unrealistic to measure success of relationship soley on the basis of time... but yet you fail to recognize that an Equality based on a equal Sharing fo time to be equally unrealistic.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 11/18/2005 8:25:39 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

(in reply to stormsfate)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/18/2005 8:42:55 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

In response to KOM and Fate:

Yes, absolutely I've always been told that my relationships would not last and were not serious. And two of them did go through major shifts last summer and are no longer partners with me.

I take it as a balance. Generally, yes, the polite thing is always the way to go. Being negative, even in honest good intentions, does very little productive work and just makes you look like sour grapes.

OCCASIONALLY however, I think a dose of reality is good. It lets you know the score. And, in an online forum, it can let the other readers know that there's another side to this, that should be taken into account.

On the other hand it tends to make the people try and stick it out longer rather than accepting the end when it comes.

It's a judgement call. I've been told I'm too harsh and not sympathetic enough and I think I've improved on that but still have problems.

But I don't think being honest, even when it's not the more polite choice, is always the wrong way to go.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/18/2005 9:05:05 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 142
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

i have to say poly wanna cracker thats all it means to me. i just do not get people that are greedy with the human condition always trying rewrite history into some non realistc fantasy on a level that no one understands or really cares about other then for what is in front of them sexual gratification is never long lasting sometimes worse then most drug habits let alone can catch things you do not want. i was hear the term its just sex or its just kink our value structure has went to pot. its why things dont last i mean percentages what out of a 100 poly couples last for more then five years if that. cause they say if you can stand the test of time thats beautiy of it. or maybe its people redifining there world for others shrugs either way i know this. if you treat people with honest and good intentions things will always work out in the end. if you lie cheat or manipulate well that karmatic hammer is gonna hit you hard yep yep and in ways you never think. so if you travel in the world of poly wanna cracker make sure it is the path you want or you will find your self missing some of the best things in life
namaste

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/18/2005 9:07:17 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 823
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

In response to KOM and Fate:

Yes, absolutely I've always been told that my relationships would not last and were not serious. And two of them did go through major shifts last summer and are no longer partners with me.

I take it as a balance. Generally, yes, the polite thing is always the way to go. Being negative, even in honest good intentions, does very little productive work and just makes you look like sour grapes.

OCCASIONALLY however, I think a dose of reality is good. It lets you know the score. And, in an online forum, it can let the other readers know that there's another side to this, that should be taken into account.

On the other hand it tends to make the people try and stick it out longer rather than accepting the end when it comes.

It's a judgement call. I've been told I'm too harsh and not sympathetic enough and I think I've improved on that but still have problems.

But I don't think being honest, even when it's not the more polite choice, is always the wrong way to go.

I happend to like your orginal comment... honest and to the point... I am not very appreciative to flowery shallow compliments. Inaddition, I do enjoy this post as well. Sometimes, people don't like the message that is given.... on a board like this... sometimes it not just the OP that needs to get an answer to a question... I have on many occassions have had the lucky windfall of reading an interesting perspective that has shed light on my own situation.

I suspect that the OP and anyone else goes into a relationship with the best of intentions. However, these relationships do have rocky roads from time to time. Sometimes we make it, sometimes we don't. Sometimes, a piece of advice that was given and ignored comes back to haunt us and we wish we would of heed the advice. But, sometimes when we come to a situation, advice in the past is the very thing that allows us to overcome the the challenges and get over the rocky road.

Now, alot of advice comes along her... we are each responsible for our own choices within our relationships. Most advice/opinons is of no value to most people... but not all advice/opinions are of no value to everyone. If the words from anyone that is honestly given helps just one person grow their relationship.. then fantastic! Take what you want... leave the rest!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/19/2005 4:58:25 AM

stormsfate

Posts: 846
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

It is ironic that you consider it unrealistic to measure success of relationship soley on the basis of time... but yet you fail to recognize that an Equality based on a equal Sharing fo time to be equally unrealistic.

I actually think you brought out an important issue that deserves its very own topic, but anyway.....

I think alyssa's comments were made because of the gentleman who threw out the topic of her getting jealous (probably trying to get a kneejerk response). She responded that they would both get equal time with their Master (or words to that effect). I did not view her words as her having an expectation that she would get to spend the exact number of nano seconds with her Master as her sister does, but more that they will both have access to him and to each other. I don't see that as fantasy-based. If I have three unmentionables, and they all live with me, then they have equal access, even if each are off doing their own thing.

f

_____________________________

Storm1206 - Author of my dark desires...Owner of my soul.

stormsvision - chainsister and partner in crime.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/19/2005 8:08:25 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 334
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

so if you travel in the world of poly wanna cracker make sure it is the path you want or you will find your self missing some of the best things in life
namaste

And what exactly are those "best things in life" that people in poly relationships are missing out on?

From my perspective, I am getting the best things in life. I get to love two people that I find incredible. I get to have my needs satisfied by more than one person. My Lord does not have the unrealistic expectation that he will meet all my needs nor I his. I don’t have to struggle to be everything to my Lord. My sis and I complement each other; there are things that she excels at and enjoys doing that I do not and vice versa. Between the three of us, our character strengths complement and enhance each other. We are all stronger together and help each other live our lives to the fullest. We are not limited by the societal idea that you can only love one person at a time and yet we all have very strong core values of commitment, integrity and acceptance.

Poly is not just about sex; I can have multiple sex partners but that does not make me poly. What makes this a poly relationship for us is that the three of us have a relationship together… the three of us love and care for each other.

As for lying, cheating and manipulation, you find that just as often in monogamous relationships. What do you consider cheating? For me, it is only cheating if you feel you have to hide or can’t do it in front of your significant other. And how many monogamous relationships end within the first 5 years?

Knight’s kyra

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/19/2005 9:08:01 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 823
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

[/quote]

I actually think you brought out an important issue that deserves its very own topic, but anyway.....

[/quote]

oh please post the issue.... myself I was just rambling and didn't pay much attention to what I was saying *w*

as far as the post... it is a matter of perception isn't it. How one precieved what was said... does affect the response. I myself perceive it more narrowly that you have percieved it.... it is not so much that we disagree... it is our perceptions are different and therefore our response is different as well. Which leads me to why discussions on boards are so difficult. A post will rarely reflect all the detail to allow the proper perspective that one wishes to present. Thru conversation we can ask questions and gain an understanding and then give an appropriate response based on a shared perspective. Sometimes, thru conversation the orginal perspective is changed because of the interaction. But, on these boards, it take alot of time and exchanges to achieve this... sometimes we hit it right... sometimes we don't..... more often than not... a thread goes off on a tanget or two from the orginal OP. Anyways... thanks for sharing your perspective it allows me to better understand and appreciate your response.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

(in reply to stormsfate)

Profile

Post #: 52

RE: a view on poly relationships - 11/19/2005 1:14:59 PM

stormsfate

Posts: 846
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

<laughing> You have hit the nail on the head.

best regards,
fate

_____________________________

Storm1206 - Author of my dark desires...Owner of my soul.

stormsvision - chainsister and partner in crime.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Profile

Post #: 53