Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (Full Version)

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softsilkandlace -> Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/18/2005 8:59:53 PM)

I am in a poly relationship with a married couple. (A little background information to answer some of the questions on your minds) I have known them for approximately 2 years. I moved into their home over a year ago for a couple of reasons. The relationship as been on again off again (bumpy) over that course of time (Which I think could easily be said about most relationships poly or not during the forming/growth stages)

In July of this year I asked and was collared. He and I agreed I should only ask for his collar after I was 100% certain (I asked and received a collar of "consideration" earlier in the relationship but asked to be released from that when I was still trying to decide if I could live in a poly family. He has told me that he choose me, that he loves me. If he didn't want me here I wouldn't be here. And I believe him 100%. My questions is how do I deal with my insecurties and jealousy when I feel that he does things to worsen them?

He tells me he only does them to "get my goat". And that after a while I will get numb to them and it won't bother me. I questioned him tonight that if he knows it hurts me and bothers me why does he choose to continue to do it?

I questioned myself," Is this how I am to be trained to deal with my emotions?" I am a very sensitive and emotional person and can easily be brought to tears (could be menopause?).

It makes me question myself it I am cut our (or wired as some put it) to be in a poly relationship irreguardless of how much I love both of them.

Any help would be appreciated.



OsideGirl -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/18/2005 9:44:57 PM)

Poly only works if everyone is secure. Otherwise the jealousies and hurts will tear it apart. This line really bothers me
quote:

ORIGINAL: softsilkandlace
He tells me he only does them to "get my goat". And that after a while I will get numb to them and it won't bother me. I questioned him tonight that if he knows it hurts me and bothers me why does he choose to continue to do it?

for two reasons: 1) It's emotional abuse. He knows it hurts you, but does it anyway because he enjoys your reaction and the power rush he gets from it. 2) It's emotional blackmail. He knows that you will bargain with him to make it stop.

This has nothing to do with whether you're cut out to be in a poly relationship. It has to do with whether he's cut out to be in A relationship, period. This is not you, it is him. If he's not getting the fact that the behavior is unacceptable, then maybe it's time to consider moving on to something else.

Sorry, if I sound harsh, I feel strongly about this.





MadameDahlia -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/18/2005 11:08:09 PM)

OsideGirl I'm with you completely!

If he knows saying and doing certain things hurt you emotionally why the bleeding hell would he do it?

In the context of a scene I can understand and even enjoy psychological play (as long as the people involved know one another and are doing it safely)... But in day to day life... who the hell needs that sort of treatment?

Of course I don't know what he's doing to "get your goat". If you could provide an example of something he does it may put things into perspective.



JustaTop -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 12:44:13 AM)

He's testing you to see if you can suck it in, and can the drama.

If you can't understand and deal with that-you'll filter yourself out, and he'll find someone who can.

He wins either way.



sunshine333 -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 4:20:53 AM)

i can sympathize with you soft. i was in a poly relationship where a lot of head games were played. i look back on it now and would consider that dom to be an emotional sadist. some people just enjoying "toying" with a submissive. (it boosts their ego maybe?) but it's like anything else in the lifestyle ... if you are allowed a say in things ... if you are allowed limits ... they should be honored. i'm sure if you said to your master that you cannot handle and are totally not interested in caning that he would honor that. he should also honor your inability to cope with emotional abuse. you shouldn't be subjected to something like that unless it's used as punishment ... or you both derive pleasure from it.

it's very difficult to speak up and tell our owners that something they do really bothers us. and it depends on your personal dynamic with your master as to how to bring this up. but it should be addressed and he should know the seriousness of what he's doing. my guess is it's not his intention to "really" hurt you. maybe he just needs to be clear that he is.

good luck.
~sunshine



smilezz -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 4:54:39 AM)

If you have to feel numb to feel well.........if you have a man that fucks with your head to just 'get your goat'....sounds like you need to re-evaluate a few things.
quote:

It makes me question myself it I am cut our (or wired as some put it) to be in a poly relationship irreguardless of how much I love both of them.

You don't have to be poly to love them both.....You don't have to love them to be poly either. If all of you can not sit down and discuss what is going on....how you feel...how they feel, what's the point? is this healthy for you? them? as with most things...it always boils down to communication.

I wish you much peace...

~smilezz~



ChereeAmoor -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 5:24:09 AM)

You need to get out of there and away from this guy.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 6:07:19 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Poly only works if everyone is secure. Otherwise the jealousies and hurts will tear it apart. This line really bothers me
quote:

ORIGINAL: softsilkandlace
He tells me he only does them to "get my goat". And that after a while I will get numb to them and it won't bother me. I questioned him tonight that if he knows it hurts me and bothers me why does he choose to continue to do it?

for two reasons: 1) It's emotional abuse. He knows it hurts you, but does it anyway because he enjoys your reaction and the power rush he gets from it. 2) It's emotional blackmail. He knows that you will bargain with him to make it stop.

This has nothing to do with whether you're cut out to be in a poly relationship. It has to do with whether he's cut out to be in A relationship, period. This is not you, it is him. If he's not getting the fact that the behavior is unacceptable, then maybe it's time to consider moving on to something else.

Sorry, if I sound harsh, I feel strongly about this.


Pretty much ditto from me. Relationships are about being fulfilled. Doing things that make you laugh and feel bit embarassed occasionally is fun. Doing things that make you hurt and undermine the stability of the relationship is not. He's using it as a cop-out answer rather than owning up for his own lack of responsible actions.

If you want to keep the relationship, you guys need to have a long talk about expectations and understandings.



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 7:48:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JustaTop

He's testing you to see if you can suck it in, and can the drama.

If you can't understand and deal with that-you'll filter yourself out, and he'll find someone who can.

He wins either way.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshine333

i look back on it now and would consider that dom to be an emotional sadist. some people just enjoying "toying" with a submissive. (it boosts their ego maybe?)

I agree with both these statements. He maybe he's an emotional sadist thats trying to weed you out if your not strong enough to take it. Of course, it's been two years so I lean more toward he's an emotional sadist more then he's trying to weed you out.
I also think that you're 48 years old, not 3. You shouldn't have to be taught how to deal with your emotions, you should know how to by now and deal with them. Especially if you've been in the relationship for two years!! He has shown both consistancy and stability. If you can't get past your emotional crutches you'll never be able to stand on your own two feet in the relationship.
As always, this is in my opinion.



Quivver -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 8:07:59 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: softsilkandlace

My questions is how do I deal with my insecurties and jealousy when I feel that he does things to worsen them?

He tells me he only does them to "get my goat". And that after a while I will get numb to them and it won't bother me. I questioned him tonight that if he knows it hurts me and bothers me why does he choose to continue to do it?

I questioned myself," Is this how I am to be trained to deal with my emotions?" I am a very sensitive and emotional person and can easily be brought to tears (could be menopause?).

It makes me question myself it I am cut our (or wired as some put it) to be in a poly relationship irreguardless of how much I love both of them.

Any help would be appreciated.


Raising yet one more hand in agreement. Numb is no way to live.
Any service given from the point of numb can be given by anyone,
anything.... If this is *training* (cough) I'd truly wonder WTF he
wants to serve him. Being overly sensitive or emotional isnt a crime,
(believe it or not I am too) and no blaming it on menopause cause
I've been this way forever. Getting your Goat will eat you inside out
eventually, you can toughen up possibly loosing some of your desire
to serve, or pull your head in your shell and wither out of commitment
unless you can come to terms with what is best for YOU.
Although I do wonder why you ask this in a Poly thread? You've not mentioned what the other (wife) say of this behavior?

Q



Phoenxx -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 8:34:00 AM)

Trying to get your goat is something my 16 year old step son does to me. The more I don’t let him get my goat, the faster he is learning to stop it.
I think the fact he has started hanging out with kids a year or two older and much more mature is helping also…
If you had agreed to this type of behaviour, that would be one thing. If however, it is doing long term harm to you, be it physical or mental, it needs to stop.
It’s not a question of if poly’s are right for you… it’s a question of if any relationship with these people are right for you.
People move from perceived pain to perceived pleasure. If your not getting the type of pleasure you need, be it cuddles or beatings, you will move from it.
My advice, for what it is worth, sit down and let them both know what is happening and how you are feeling. If they ignore you, or nothing changes, you need to look inside and see if this is somewhere you want to be or if getting out is the best thing for you.
But being numb… that is never a good thing.
As for people saying you need to “suck it up”, isn’t helping those we have power over one of the most important things we should be doing?
Tony



Phoenxx -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 8:36:28 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JustaTop

If you can't understand and deal with that-you'll filter yourself out, and he'll find someone who can.



Most abusers do find another victim... That’s not a reason to stay with them though.



DrkAngl -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 11:32:56 AM)

I have to agree here with everyone else. This guy is doing verbal abuse. My late husband was very verbally abusive as well, we were both vanilla at the time. There is no reason for it. It also leads you down into depression or too a deep emotional hole where you feel nothing for anyone. That's not what you want.

I'd not say a thing to this guy, just pack up and leave while they are out. There is no reason for anyone to be verbally abusive to anyone. What usually comes next is that they are physically abusive, that was my late husband's next step. Run as fast and as far away from this guy as you can.

The reason I said don't mention to this couple that you're leaving is that when you do, they will probably do everything in their power to make things better. Tell neither of them, so they can't let the other know. Once they make you feel better about things, the abuse starts all over again. My late husband was like that. It's a little trick they use to keep control of things. The whole thing is, when it comes to abusive relationships, it's the abuser that's insecure. You're in control, you have all the power, you just have to utilize it and get the hell out while you can. Stay safe, because it could turn unsafe.

Not all doms will be verbally abusive. Find yourself a good supportive dom that you deserve.



Theslavetrainer -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 12:49:03 PM)

Thats right. Run. Run away because things are difficult. I mean God forbid we actually work at our relationships. God forbid that she actually stopped sniffling and wailing on about how hard it is and try to work out. I wonder that if she actually stopped sniffling about it and not let it bother her that he may actually stop. Toughen up, you don't have to be numb, just not a baby with insecurity issues.

Now that I've vented, here's a twist:
What if the Dominant isn't an emotional sadist who likes seeing her in pain or someone that's abusive. What if she's an emotional masochist who seeks to be hurt in this way. If this is the way he is, why have you stayed in the relationship for two years? How, after two years, can you still be insecure about the relationship? What if it's the emotional masochism and the insecurities that are blowing things out of proportion way more then what they really are? Mind you people, that we only hear one side to this story in this thread.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 1:19:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Theslavetrainer
God forbid that she actually stopped sniffling and wailing on about how hard it is and try to work out.

OK the next time someone calls me callous, cold-hearted, arrogant and unempathetic, I will totally point them here.

I didn't get a tone of sniffling and wailing from her post at all- and trust me I've seen enough of the "Please tell me it's all ok and that I'm still a good person" posts to know when it's being done.

As well, from what she said, she has tried to work on it, bring it up, get an explanation, learn to deal with it- and thus far it's not working.

quote:

I wonder that if she actually stopped sniffling about it and not let it bother her that he may actually stop. Toughen up, you don't have to be numb, just not a baby with insecurity issues.

Like the topic in the Masters forum- this one thing does not denote "huge issues." I don't see this as someone with insecurity issues. Poly relationships don't last for two years if there's huge insecurity issues unless everyone is feeding off of everyone else's insecurities.

As well, intimate relationships are supposed to be the one place you do NOT have to "toughen up." Yes, we should all be capable and confident human beings. But we all have insecurities, every single one of us. Yes we should do our best to work around/through them. But saying "toughen up" when it's the one person in the world you look for security and stability and ultimate acceptance from...just doesn't fly.

He's doing something intentionally that he knows is no good. Harassment in relationships does no one any good. Instead of working with the issue with her, he's simply rejecting his own behavior and its consequences. Even if he WANTED her to toughen up and lighten up about it- that's not how he's communicated it thus far.

quote:

How, after two years, can you still be insecure about the relationship?

Insecurities are just like that. I've still got insecurities I've had for years. I don't let it prevent me from my relationship, but then I make all my partners aware of them as best I can and we work through them when they happen. Somehow they don't get fun out of making things unstable...

I agree, we only hear one side here. There's a million details that could change the tone and type of advice I'm giving here. However, I'm not getting a scent of martyrdom here, I'm not getting a sense of pleading for justification on her side, I'm getting standard confusion and lack of support.

And if she wants to work it out, ultimately the only thing to do is work it out with her master himself and see how they can get things together. But dismissing someone's issues is never a recipe for success.



ownedjulia -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 2:01:42 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshine333

i can sympathize with you soft. i was in a poly relationship where a lot of head games were played. i look back on it now and would consider that dom to be an emotional sadist. some people just enjoying "toying" with a submissive. (it boosts their ego maybe?) but it's like anything else in the lifestyle ... if you are allowed a say in things ... if you are allowed limits ... they should be honored. i'm sure if you said to your master that you cannot handle and are totally not interested in caning that he would honor that. he should also honor your inability to cope with emotional abuse. you shouldn't be subjected to something like that unless it's used as punishment ... or you both derive pleasure from it.


Interesting comment, This sort of emotional tangle has been done to me as form of punishment and humiliation. it wasn't fun and it wasn't enjoyable so i'm glad it has only occured a couple of times.

If it causing you hurt you need to find a way to speak to him about it.



Phoenxx -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/19/2005 3:23:17 PM)

Most victims of abuse find it nearly impossible to leave. To say suck it up, get over it, stop snivelling etc.. etc.. shows a lack or understanding of the basics of abuse.
During repeated cycles of violence there is a Tension Building Phase, during which there are increased stress levels, anger, blaming and arguing. The explosion occurs during the Battering Phase, when the actual violence occurs. This phase does not necessarily last for a long time, but its intensity could result in serious injuries. Attacks by "intimates" on women result in more injuries requiring medical treatment, than rapes, auto accidents and muggings combined. The last part of the cycle is the Honeymoon Phase, where the abuser may deny, minimize or excuse his actions, apologize, and promise that it will never happen again. This technique, used by abusers to keep their victims confused and under control, is often compared with the techniques used toward hostages of war.
That was taken from the Project Safe web site. Sure, she could be here whining to get attention, or it could be she is asking for advice and help. Without knowing both sides, the best advice I would give is to explain how she is feeling. A good Top will take their bottoms’ feelings and needs into consideration. And no I am not saying to drop everything and be topped from the bottom. I am talking about doing what is best for the growth and needs of all those involved. Including saying sorry this not a relationship we can have.
In looking for a poly, I have had to say no a couple of times. Some relationships are just poisonous. And you need to just walk away.
If these people will not talk, or try to make changes in the relationship then I would say move on.
If you are having trouble talking to them try writing a letter. Explain how you are feeling and why. It may be worth checking out a KAP counsellor in your area. And talking to them.
Hope this helps…
Tony



MistressWolf4u -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/20/2005 9:14:12 AM)

My heart goes out to you. Just a quick question . . . have you discussed this with his wife as well or only him? Does she have any idea what is going on?

M. Wolf



gypsyeyez -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/20/2005 11:02:15 AM)

Okay all this about getting someones goat and getting numb eventually...

The only way I have seen one get numb like what he is referring to is after someones heart has been broken over and over and over by the same person .... then the heart really doesnt grow numb it grows hard. And once a heart is hardened toward a Master Partner or Otherwise... usually the relationship ends soon after.

Really what in my opinion should happen is you should have assurance at all times of your place with your Master... then adding others to the mix is not as hard. It is something to be worked into and takes time and patience on all ends not just the subs or slaves but the Master, to know in order to work into becoming a poly relationship will take time and work. To purposely try to hurt you make make you numb .... or as I perfer hardened... leaves you the victim of emotional and psychological abuse. A basic turn about mind-fu**ing. Just my opinion.



MstrHellsFury -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (10/20/2005 3:41:07 PM)


EmeraldSlave2

Yes, we should all be capable and confident human beings. But we all have insecurities, every single one of us.





if I respond to this with..there's always an exception to everything...does this make me insecure...do I now have to consider myself as being generalized....am I no longer unique....I guess I'm just a number...guess I'll take a seat now and wait...

Fury



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