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crystalamber -> RE: Do you need to be numb to survive in a poly relationship? (11/21/2005 2:37:09 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Phoenxx
Most victims of abuse find it nearly impossible to leave. To say suck it up, get over it, stop snivelling etc.. etc.. shows a lack or understanding of the basics of abuse.
During repeated cycles of violence there is a Tension Building Phase, during which there are increased stress levels, anger, blaming and arguing. The explosion occurs during the Battering Phase, when the actual violence occurs. This phase does not necessarily last for a long time, but its intensity could result in serious injuries. Attacks by "intimates" on women result in more injuries requiring medical treatment, than rapes, auto accidents and muggings combined. The last part of the cycle is the Honeymoon Phase, where the abuser may deny, minimize or excuse his actions, apologize, and promise that it will never happen again. This technique, used by abusers to keep their victims confused and under control, is often compared with the techniques used toward hostages of war.
That was taken from the Project Safe web site. Sure, she could be here whining to get attention, or it could be she is asking for advice and help. Without knowing both sides, the best advice I would give is to explain how she is feeling. A good Top will take their bottoms’ feelings and needs into consideration. And no I am not saying to drop everything and be topped from the bottom. I am talking about doing what is best for the growth and needs of all those involved. Including saying sorry this not a relationship we can have.
In looking for a poly, I have had to say no a couple of times. Some relationships are just poisonous. And you need to just walk away.
If these people will not talk, or try to make changes in the relationship then I would say move on.
If you are having trouble talking to them try writing a letter. Explain how you are feeling and why. It may be worth checking out a KAP counsellor in your area. And talking to them.
Hope this helps…
Tony
and, let me reiterate ---- "Most victims of abuse find it nearly impossible to leave."
i have been in several vanilla abusive situations. .....yes, it's a very hard thing to learn. and life tends to repeat situations until you DO learn from them.
i like to think that i HAVE finally learned my lesson, and i will find better situations now.
sweetie, you are not wrong, there is nothing wrong with you, this is not your fault.
if you have talked to this guy about your concerns, and things have not changed, he's not concerned with your comfort and happiness. i agree with others, get out. don't let them know first, they would try to smooth things over, make you feel better about THEM. you need to feel better about YOU. i know how hard it is, i had to tell my last ex to get out of MY house. if you feel you don't have anywhere to go....do you have friends or family you can go to? if you need to, please go to a women's shelter.
you do have the strength to handle this. you are a special person.
much respect,
crystal amber
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