RE: New to Poly - Need Advice

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RE: New to Poly - Need Advice - 12/17/2005 7:26:59 PM

phoenixMF

Posts: 23
Joined: 10/17/2005
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Master... uhmm... is that a "no" for me getting the dog? or the mannequin?
Respectfully ~ phoenix *kiss

(in reply to MstrHellsFury)

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RE: New to Poly - Need Advice - 12/18/2005 2:54:59 PM

tanarria

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/5/2005
From: tana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: phoenixMF

Hi tanarria,
I'm in a "closed" poly family. When I have to spend a night alone... I try to distract myself by watching tv, reading, writing or just daydreaming about Master being with me. The love that I have for my sister slave,also helps me get through those lonely nights... I want her to be happy too, so I'm glad she can enjoy her personal nights with Master.

Phoenix,

Thank you for your thoughts and well wishes. Distracting myself isn't an option for what has been going on. We don't live together, so every day life is not an issue. What is at issue is when he has a household of guests or just myself and his other 2 or 3 girls, he will play with the other girls and completely ignore me. That just isn't acceptable. At this time, he needs to prove to me that won't happen again, but for now I am just spending alone time with him until I feel comfortable that he can be trusted. It takes a long time for me to trust, and even longer to rebuild the trust once it's been broken. I'm still not sure if this can truly be fixed or work, but right now, it's one day at a time.

In Love, Light, and Service,

tana

(in reply to phoenixMF)

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RE: New to Poly - Need Advice - 12/18/2005 4:14:11 PM

softvelvet

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Joined: 12/18/2005
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no that is not normal practice, in fact the behavior that you described is of a player... a poly relationship is one of caring, and making each one feel special.. it is what makes a family

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RE: New to Poly - Need Advice - 12/19/2005 5:18:43 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: softvelvet

no that is not normal practice, in fact the behavior that you described is of a player... a poly relationship is one of caring, and making each one feel special.. it is what makes a family

That being said, there will be times in a poly family (especially one in which servants are kept) in which one member of the household will be "left out" for a while. It is unrealistic to expect -anyone- to get attention all the time, and sometimes one person will get attention and someone else will not -- that is just part of living in a dynamic larger than two, where the only person there -is- to share attention with is the other person. If one person is -consistently- ignored (every day, all of the time) and that isn't what xhe signed on for, then xhe might want to consider why xhe is even there... however, it is NOT abnormal for social events and playtimes to be focused on one person and not another at times, and learning to deal with this is part of learning to deal with living in a very active, very social poly household.

As an example, Friday is my mate's birthday. A special friend of hers is coming around to "wine and dine" her for her birthday. He does it every year, and while he and I are -quite- close, it became apparent several years ago that he preferred to have the evening to focus absolutely and completely on SR. So the rest of the family goes to do their own thing. I use this time as "retreat" time (since it is right around the Solstice), spending the day in meditation, without electronic leashes and in a vow of silence. It's worked out well for all of us. I know SR loves me, and I know ELM cherishes me, too. They don't have to dote on me constantly to prove it. I know it in my heart, and so do they, so there is no rancor. Sometimes they have sex. Yay for them. Just because they do something doesn't mean it will never happen again for -me-... I believe in what we have and how we -are-... and I love that they have one another, and that SR has someone who can romance the socks off of her. I'm a philosopher and a teacher. I'd rather nit-pick than romance, and we're all just fine with that -- but SR likes the occasional honey-dripping, peach-soft romance ELM brings, and I'd be a total butt if I tried to keep her from that because I felt "left out".

Trying to "take over" the other person so that they -must- spend attention where someone else sees fit in order to "prove" that they can be "trusted" seems like blackmail to me. Poly is different than a monogamous family. If the differences that are a reality in poly aren't comfortable, then poly is probably a poor choice for that individual, but trying to create monogamy within poly is, in my experience, a recipe for destruction, as is the tendency to hide serial monogamy behind a veil called "polyamory" in the hopes that one can have one's cake and eat it, too.

Lady Zephyr

< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 12/19/2005 5:21:47 PM >

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

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RE: New to Poly - Need Advice - 12/20/2005 6:29:03 PM

tanarria

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/5/2005
From: tana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lady Zephyr

Trying to "take over" the other person so that they -must- spend attention where someone else sees fit in order to "prove" that they can be "trusted" seems like blackmail to me. Poly is different than a monogamous family. If the differences that are a reality in poly aren't comfortable, then poly is probably a poor choice for that individual, but trying to create monogamy within poly is, in my experience, a recipe for destruction, as is the tendency to hide serial monogamy behind a veil called "polyamory" in the hopes that one can have one's cake and eat it, too.

Lady Zephyr

Lady Zephyr,

I can understand why you would reply the way you did based on the tiny snapshot I gave of my relationship and on-going issues.

I do not in any way want a monogomous relationship with this man. What I do want is more of a poly *family* atmosphere similar to others I have read about in these boards. What I do want and deserve is the respect afforded to someone in my position in this particular poly family. I was told I was his "second" and was treated as though I was not even an involved party. I'm not referring to a once-in-awhile event. This was on-going for about 4 weeks and totally out of the blue when a new girl came on the scene that turned his attention. He forgot about the rest of us. The phone calls stopped, he no longer had energy for any activities apart from his time with her, and his entire demeanor changed toward me.

This was not the way it always was from the beginning, which is why I am giving it another chance. Neither of us wants to lose this relationship because it was so good for so long. However, he does need to prove to me that he really can be poly (in the way he has said he wants), remember what it means (according to *his* definition), and keep the promises he has made - not only to me, but to his other girls as well.

Regards,

tana

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RE: New to Poly - Need Advice - 12/21/2005 5:05:23 AM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 518
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tanarria

Lady Zephyr,

This was on-going for about 4 weeks and totally out of the blue when a new girl came on the scene that turned his attention. He forgot about the rest of us. The phone calls stopped, he no longer had energy for any activities apart from his time with her, and his entire demeanor changed toward me.

This was not the way it always was from the beginning, which is why I am giving it another chance. Neither of us wants to lose this relationship because it was so good for so long. However, he does need to prove to me that he really can be poly (in the way he has said he wants), remember what it means (according to *his* definition), and keep the promises he has made - not only to me, but to his other girls as well.

Regards,

tana

What I'm going to share here is something that is -strictly- information, for you to do what you will with. It's one of the things that I teach people about when I'm doing pastoral care for a household that is looking at bringing on a new person. I hope it will help a little bit.

It is -normal-, when a new person comes on the scene, for there to be a period of time where the entire world of the person bringing the newcomer in focuses around that new person. In poly circles outside of D/s, we call this NRE or New Relationship Energy. It is akin to the "honeymoon" period of the dating cycle, where all you live for is to have that phone call, or sit down for that dinner, or just read in the same room. NRE isn't just mental or emotional, it is also -physical-, with actual changes in the hormones of the individuals involved in the new relationship that act as sort of a 'magnet'.

Experience has shown that the survival of poly families is directly related to the level of trust and security that the members have in the relationship, because NRE is consuming, and can be irritating or frightening, if the members are not aware of it and are not secure about the newcomer. NRE -will- take the attention of the initiating member of your household away from everyone else in the household, and, left to its own devices, usually takes about 3-6 months to calm down to the point where the real functionality of the new dynamic can be seen.

It takes about a year after adding a new person to the dynamic to start being comfortable working as a unit. There will be a lot of stresses during this time, and it is important to take this into consideration if the opportunity arises for yet another person to be considered for the household. If too many people are brought in too close together, without sufficient consideration and adjustment time, the relationship can become unstable and fly apart from the ensuing chaos.

Hope this helps.

Lady Zephyr

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

(in reply to tanarria)

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RE: New to Poly - Need Advice - 12/21/2005 5:54:44 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing
and, left to its own devices, usually takes about 3-6 months to calm down to the point where the real functionality of the new dynamic can be seen.

It usually is 7 months for me. And it's HARD. I'm in the middle of some NRE with another partner and my boyfriend flew back home for break for the next few weeks.

My other partner was gracious enough to schedule his vacation to his family over next week, in a large chunk to allow us to have solo time. This is convenient in terms of timing however I recognize it easily could have happened otherwise.

So I have to figure out how to balance the 3 weeks I have with my boyfriend before he goes away for another semester and still maintain the connection with my other partner. And for me it is a balance, and I don't get a "Relationship Free" card just because I got rolled over by some hot New Relationship Energy. My partners have given me a LOT of leeway during this time, but it's still my responsibility to stay to my commitments, and to keep the long term in focus.

Even more fun is the fact that the day after my boyfriend returns to school, I'm going to fly up to see my Boston partner who I haven't seen since October.

Life is good, just need to balance.

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RE: New to Poly - Need Advice - 12/21/2005 4:16:17 PM

tanarria

Posts: 8
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From: tana
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Lady Zephyr and Lucky Albatross -

I must say this is THE best advice I've received yet. I didn't *get* it until now. Obviously I wasn't secure enough (or knowledgeable enough) about this NRE to deal with it on a more logical level. All I felt was rejected!

Thank you, thank you!

tana

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RE: New to Poly - Need Advice - 12/22/2005 4:44:48 AM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

So I have to figure out how to balance the 3 weeks I have with my boyfriend before he goes away for another semester and still maintain the connection with my other partner. And for me it is a balance, and I don't get a "Relationship Free" card just because I got rolled over by some hot New Relationship Energy. My partners have given me a LOT of leeway during this time, but it's still my responsibility to stay to my commitments, and to keep the long term in focus.

*nodding* It's even harder (and takes longer to resolve) when the relationships are long-distance relationships... the 3-6 month thing doesn't seem to be calendar related, as much as it is related to the amount of time that you actually spend with full access to one another... so if a person is in a situation where xhe has access to the new significant-other for 3 months out of the year... it may take a year to 2 years to get through the NRE, instead of 3 calendar months.

In the same way, if the NRE period is "interrupted"... say for an illness, or someone has to take a trip abroad, or there is a family crisis that interrupts the bonding process... the clock doesn't "tick" during the break period... or at least, it ticks much more slowly... so delays tend to increase the duration of the NRE period.

The second part here (the part quoted) is important, too. In order for poly to work, even though there is NRE, everyone (even the folks going through NRE) needs to be dedicated to the relationship as a whole. Even taking a moment to reassure and give small shows of affection to the other family members (or remembering to take care of any assigned shared chores) will help remind everyone that their generosity and understanding during this NRE period is appreciated. I've met and advised some dominant individuals who don't seem to think that this is all that important, because the individuals they are involved with are submissive -- but I feel that, in my experience, it is crucial to the health of the family as a whole when we make sure that, dominant or submissive, the people in our lives know that we care about them, and that we appreciate the sacrifices that they are making to deal with the challenges of this particularly high-challenge type of relationship.

Lady Zephyr

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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