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in need of experienced opinions - 8/15/2005 3:54:12 PM

steelsheath

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/28/2005
Status: offline

i am new to these postings...

a year ago last spring, i became involved with a Master with a polyfamily. He, His wife and alpha slave accepted me as a sub into their world. during training and getting acquainted, i had requested one on one time with the Master. after all, i needed to know if He was a serious minded man or simply a player. (i was only about 4 months into the lifestyle at the time). the wife and slave learned of my requests and felt that i was trying to sabbatoge the poly arrangement. they grew bitter and resentful towards me.

heres my question: was i incorrect in my requests? did i overstep? i have since tried desperately to apologize and explain my reasons for the requests, but they remain so bitter that Master will not include me in "family" activities. i wish to learn by my mistakes....please help.

steel

Post #: 1

RE: in need of experienced opinions - 8/15/2005 4:16:28 PM

stormsfate

Posts: 846
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

I don't think you overstepped if that was what you wanted or needed. As to whether or not that was the way the family operated is another matter. I can understand your Master saying that the family does things together and not separately, as they may have found it works best for them...if that was indeed the case. If that was the case, then seems to me like a major issue was overlooked because in my opinion, this is something that should have been discussed before you ever made the commitment.

What I don't understand is the apparent lack of communication. Instead of being angry or bitter, seems to me that they would have attempted to open the lines of communication a bit and explained to you how it made them feel, and given you a chance to explain what you were thinking and somewhere in the midst of all of that reach an understand and/or compromise.

You must be very confused right now...not to mention a bit hurt. For this to work out, again, in my opinion, you are somehow going to have to get someone to listen to you and communicate. I feel that the longer it goes, the harder it will be to correct.

Good luck!

best regards,
fate

_____________________________

Storm1206 - Author of my dark desires...Owner of my soul.

stormsvision - chainsister and partner in crime.

(in reply to steelsheath)

Post #: 2

RE: in need of experienced opinions - 8/15/2005 6:56:23 PM

XhousegirlX

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/9/2005
Status: offline

i dont think Your request was out of line, especially if Your Master didn't tell You that such requests are off limit. Personally i think everyone needs equal one on one time, as well as family time to make the most of the poly expereince.~ My concern would be more that the Master didn't bring you all together to find a resolution to the problem, instead of letting it harbor and build. i am also suprised He lets the others treat you as an outcast, that must hurt on some many different levels. Perhaps you can respectfully as for a family meeting to clear the air for the sake of the family.

~m~
its all about the attitude

(in reply to stormsfate)

Post #: 3

RE: in need of experienced opinions - 8/15/2005 6:59:03 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Ditto to Fate- get communication and group discussion going ASAP- no one on ones, no crossed wires.

As someone who's dealt with poly drama I will also say there's likely 4 other versions of this relationship, and is a lot more complicated than it is being put here. You just have to talk it out and see what exactly the issue is.

For me the whole key to poly is balancing the one on one relationship you will have with everyone AND the group relationship you will have with everyone at the same time.

(in reply to steelsheath)

Post #: 4

RE: in need of experienced opinions - 8/15/2005 7:28:28 PM

fastlane

Posts: 1386
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

you know, it all comes down to trusting your instincts...don't you agree?

Don't beat yourself up....and continue to follow what you think is right for you.

Hell, I know my right jack off hand has battled my left forever now...but we all get along..and it feels good no matter what hand wins....so relax and enjoy!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 5

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/15/2005 9:37:55 PM

steelsheath

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/28/2005
Status: offline

just for the record, this happened last year. Master and i have been on again off again while at the same time, my vanilla marriage has a death grip on me due to my children. Master and i communicate once in awhile, but nothing significant. one reply termed me as an "outcast" and that is what i am. i long to belong to Master and His poly family, but the women seem to call the shots there. there is a sub side of me that is in agony, it seems i belong no where.....

steel

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 6

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/16/2005 5:19:42 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: steelsheath

just for the record, this happened last year. Master and i have been on again off again while at the same time, my vanilla marriage has a death grip on me due to my children. Master and i communicate once in awhile, but nothing significant. one reply termed me as an "outcast" and that is what i am. i long to belong to Master and His poly family, but the women seem to call the shots there. there is a sub side of me that is in agony, it seems i belong no where.....

steel

Told ya it was more complicated than the first version we got. I bet there's even more to it on all sides left to come out as well.

This post actually doesn't help your case. While my first response remains solid- you all need to communicate together and stop the one on ones and behind the back stuff, your claim on the dominants time is less substantial than it was.

Why are you so longing to be in a relationship you are certain the women call the shots in?

(in reply to steelsheath)

Post #: 7

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/16/2005 6:42:47 AM

ChereeAmoor

Posts: 184
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

Run away from this family - it is not good for you. The other women are not accepting you now, and they will not accept you later. I am so sorry that you feel you belong "nowhere", because that is not the case at all - you just don't belong with THEM - be good to yourself; dump that chump, drop that drip, lose that loser. There is some other Master out there for you, one who will treasure you and your gifts.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 8

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/16/2005 6:43:47 AM

steelsheath

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/28/2005
Status: offline

yes it is more complicated than the first post. i have tried several times to end it with Master, but He seems determined to have me. and to be honest, He is the only "lifeline" in the lifestyle i have. i do care deeply for this man, what ever comes of it. there is no solution. ....steel

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 9

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/16/2005 6:47:06 AM

steelsheath

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/28/2005
Status: offline

to ChereeAmoor: i hear ya lady. i know there are many others that would treat me better, i even broke away from Him once, moved to another state to be sub to another Master, but i chose unwisely. so my search continues. know any good ones in WI?

steel

(in reply to steelsheath)

Post #: 10

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/16/2005 8:20:19 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 634
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

to ChereeAmoor: i hear ya lady. i know there are many others that would treat me better, i even broke away from Him once, moved to another state to be sub to another Master, but i chose unwisely. so my search continues. know any good ones in WI?

I know some good ones in Indiana... lmao.

This is the best advice I can give you, whether you choose to listen to it or not is up to you... NEVER SETTLE!! There IS someone out there that will treat you as you need and deserve to be treated. You are the only one that can decide what makes you happy, absolutely no one else can. You are the one that has to wake up every morning and look YOU in the eye. In five years do you want to be waking up and looking in that mirror and say to yourself.... I could have done so much better?

He is NOT the only lifeline you have to the lifestyle... you are. The sooner you see that the sooner you will find happiness. Fulfillment doesn't come from outside, it is self generated.

As far as your OP is concerned... no, you did not do the wrong thing, you did not expect the wrong thing and you were NOT out of line. In every poly family, 'nilla or otherwise, there has to be some one on one time between individuals as well as "family" time. Each person must have the freedom to establish bonds with every other member of the household.

It's all up to you, you have to do what you can live with.

Jewel

_____________________________

ShiftedJewel of PhoenixRisen

(in reply to steelsheath)

Post #: 11

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/16/2005 8:38:18 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 371
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline

I think that what makes a poly family work is open and honest communication.

In our family we have rules regarding whispering and secretive actions. Personally, I would have been offended by your actions. The reason would not have been the desire for alone time or the actual alone time. It would have been that you didn't communicate the request to both of us.

There's a series of important facts to keep in mind:

1) I'm his slave, alpha and wife. Not respecting my relationship with him will ultimately get you booted out of our house. I would have viewed what you did as circumventing my relationship with him.

2) Your request not only impacted you and him, but also her. In a poly family you have to understand that your actions will impact the entire family, not only yourself.

3) Open communication means the entire family.

I believe that we should all have alone time with Master. For me it would not have been what you wanted, but how you went about it. I would have to echo the person above that said if if the women are not accepting you, chances are the situation is not going to change.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/16/2005 8:43:42 AM >

_____________________________

Bobbi

(in reply to steelsheath)

Post #: 12

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/16/2005 10:33:50 AM

Cloaked

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/15/2005
Status: offline

Lord I've heard this story before. I just wanted some one on one time with my Master. and his sub gets all jealous.

I guess it boils down to what your idea of a poly arrangement is. I've seen several where it was One Master and two or three slaves/subs. But the only ones I've seen work is where Everyone was relatively equal, with the Master just making the final decision on things.

The Problem I've seen where it was Alpha sub and then the other little minions is that it becomes a fight over who's paying more attention to whom. 'Why is the Master all over the 'new girl'' 'I try to pay extra attention to the Alpha sub, but then the Master thinks I want her more than Him.'

Communication, GROUP Communication is the only way to go about it. If you have an issue, bring it up in a family discussion. If it doesn't work out due to one member of the family being jealous, or just not fitting with you, its NOT RIGHT for you.

And if a Master keeps pursuing you after the Family has kicked you out, he's no better than a common adulterer.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 13

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/16/2005 5:08:29 PM

steelsheath

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/28/2005
Status: offline

ty Cloaked, finally someone has confirmed my feelings about him not being any better than a man cheating on his wife....(and slave in this situation). ty A/all for your advise. i think i will take it and move on....wish me luck. maybe its a better idea for me to find a mistress more so than a master.....we will soon see.

steel

(in reply to Cloaked)

Post #: 14

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/16/2005 6:52:05 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: steelsheath

ty Cloaked, finally someone has confirmed my feelings about him not being any better than a man cheating on his wife....(and slave in this situation). ty A/all for your advise. i think i will take it and move on....wish me luck. maybe its a better idea for me to find a mistress more so than a master.....we will soon see.

steel

OK I didn't realize you were just looking to "confirm" something about your dom. This is probably the clearest case of a desire to do some "dom bashing" thread I've seen.

Nothing you've said indicates anything except you aren't getting what you want (from your husband OR your dominant) and that the other women in the doms life aren't too happy with you. Cheating? I don't see how this comes anywhere close.

As far as women versus men...well you obviously don't think much of the other sub females in the world, what makes you think female doms are better?

From this perspective it sounds like everyone would be better off if you left the situation.

(in reply to steelsheath)

Post #: 15

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/17/2005 3:39:11 AM

lovingmaster45

Posts: 261
Joined: 9/16/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Nothing you've said indicates anything except you aren't getting what you want (from your husband OR your dominant) and that the other women in the doms life aren't too happy with you. Cheating? I don't see how this comes anywhere close.

I just have to ask... What does your husband think of all this? Or do you do this behind his back? Like you tried your ploy to get alone time with "master"? My feeling is that these women see you as a dishonest person who cannot be trusted. The master sees you as a good peice of pussy. Of course I could be totally wrong...lol. Yeah right.

_____________________________

Master Jerry

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 16

RE: in need of experienced opinions CLARIFIED - 8/17/2005 8:45:14 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 371
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline

So you....

Went behind the Alpha's back to get alone time with the Dominant. Now, you're no longer part of the family, but you meet with the Dominant behind his submissive's backs instead of saying, "No, thanks. It's not the right thing to do". Then you blame the subs for being unreasonable and against you.

It'll get worse when the subs figure out what the Dominant is doing.

I have to agree with the above poster. He's using you as a piece of ass (which is dishonest on his part) and the subs view you as dishonest.

I don't think the answer is to find a Mistress.....

_____________________________

Bobbi

(in reply to lovingmaster45)

Post #: 17

RE: in need of experienced opinions - 8/21/2005 11:12:19 PM

zaynab

Posts: 377
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

Hi steel,

"He, His wife and alpha slave accepted me as a sub into their world. during training and getting acquainted, i had requested one on one time with the Master."

If all 3 of them accepted you into their world, and new that you were inexperienced, why would the wife and slave react so strongly against you for doing something they felt was wrong? Isn't it reasonable to expect patience from them, while you learn the ropes of how to interact with all those interpersonal relationships being built?

I thought a 'training and getting acquainted' time period was meant for learning, which would include misjudgements and errors. But besides that, shouldn't the Master have just informed you immediately if this was not allowed and leave it at that?

How could the two women be so jealous over this? If they were the type that normally feels jealousy that easily, I'm surprised they could handle knowing that each of them were getting the attention of the Master. Weren't they jealous of eachother?

I had assumed that the Master was the one who ruled the house and decided who he was with and under what circumstances.... I see I need to remember that every poly family is unique in how it is run.

"the wife and slave learned of my requests and felt that i was trying to sabbatoge the poly arrangement. they grew bitter and resentful towards me. "

If I was in a poly household, I would want to be submissive to everyone. I believe I would have the right to ask the Master any question at all without fear of punishment, especially during training.... but I would have asked the permission of the others privately first... to show them consideration and honor. If me seeking to be alone with our Master would make them upset, I would feel bad if I caused them to feel that way.

I would think that the Master of a poly household would want and need time to be alone with his women. I would be surprised if all interactions had to be witnessed by the entire family at all times.

"was i incorrect in my requests? did i overstep?"
I say no... you did not overstep... but then again, I get punished frequently.

Just a note: I have zero experience with a poly family lifestyle.

< Message edited by zaynab -- 8/21/2005 11:16:31 PM >

(in reply to steelsheath)

Post #: 18

RE: in need of experienced opinions - 8/22/2005 3:18:57 PM

luvdragonx

Posts: 387
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

I did some thinking about this topic over the weekend, and based on the subsequent posts, I'll throw this in.

Relationships are hard to maintain. For a couple it's difficult. For a triad, multiply the difficulty by 5 times. Add another person, difficulty goes up to 10. These women (I assume) are part of a relationship that they enjoy and manage to make work. It stands to reason that your asking for personal time, specifically without their knowledge, would send up red flags for them. Anything that would threaten the balance of what they've built would be seen as just that - a threat. It would be one thing if they weren't poly, as in all the women were independent of each other and their only connection was through the dominant. But since they are a poly family, you should operate the way you would with any family. All or nothing. Did you similarly ask to spend time with each woman independently? If not, it would seem that you weren't interested in the family, just him. That might explain why you got such a negative reaction. Maybe sitting down with the group and explaining your need to get to know EACH of them in 1 on 1 situations would have gone over much better.

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to zaynab)

Post #: 19

RE: in need of experienced opinions - 8/23/2005 4:58:31 PM

MstrHellsFury

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

I've held off on responding to this for awhile as I wanted to examine it against my family...( the only gadge by which I can form this opinion)...first of all I only have two at this time(soon to be one)...I posed the question to them in the way I think I understood it...the request was without the knowledge of the other two...here's their response to the question...if after only four months in the life style (you didn't say how long in the household) although they would be somewhat upset that you hadn't come to them as a sister and ask them what you thought you should do to get what you felt was more attention..ie..one on one time with me...the feeling would be surplanted with the knowledge you didn't have the skills of protocol to know this wasn't the way of the household...in turn..they would bring it to my attention..I indeed needed to have family and one on one to give you better training as to what is expected from you...they cite that you would not to this point have learned from their example and actions in the household dynamics...did you overstep..in a word..yes...should they not accept your humble and heartfelt apology...in that case..with your lack of knowledge and newness in the lifestyle...that would be setting an even more aggress error and upset the balance even more...they say they are there to love honor and protect...unless there was a general dislike for your presence in the first place...they would not in turn be doing any of that...to cause further discord would be to cause me displeasure...something they try to avoid whenever possible...they say this is a minor discrestion and something that can and should be worked on...this is the opinion of two submissives in a poly household...(this isn't every house..it's just my house)...

Fury

(in reply to steelsheath)

Post #: 20

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