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myth vs. reality


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myth vs. reality - 1/18/2006 7:45:58 AM   
comesoncommand


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Many months ago i read a wonderful journal entry by a sub (i wish i had been smart enough to jot down the sub's name so i could give credit where credit is due, but anyways...) where she wrote about the difference between what many women who have no lifestyle experience perceive 24/7 would be like and what it is really like. The perception for many is based off of erotic film and literature and in the mind is constant nudity, chains, and sexual service. While there may be some 24/7 C/couples that live their lives like that, i think the majority (this slave and her Master included) fall prey to having to live in the vanilla world and do things like work, take kids to school, soccer practice, dogs for walks, etc. The sub pointed out the reality was very fulfilling, but vastly different from the fantasy.

So, while i live the reality of a 24/7 D/s relationship, i am totally inexperienced when it comes to poly. i was curious if S/some in poly relationships could shed some light on what Y/you see as common myths vs. reality. i'll even risk sounding very silly and throw out a little of what my fantasy is with a third (W/we envision another female sub joining U/us). i "fantasize" that there would be a sub to join me in worshiping my Master. i see her as being one of those amazing friends (you know the ones that you can not talk to for a while and pick up the phone and nothing has changed...the ones that are always fun to travel with...yada, yada) only with great sexual benefits. It would definately be nice to have someone to help with housework (and other chores Master doles out). But also fun to be able to lay by the pool after work and read and talk. her lips and hands would be much more fun than a vibrator, and getting to play with her would be much more fun than watching porn :). And that is just the 2 of us...i haven't even gotten into the fantasy of the three of U/us! So what are the realities to a poly relationship?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: myth vs. reality - 1/18/2006 7:48:25 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Ooo lovely question. Will take my time in getting a thorough answer for this.



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

(in reply to comesoncommand)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: myth vs. reality - 1/18/2006 9:22:15 AM   
luvdragonx


Posts: 387
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Cool.

Myth: the belief that a couple of months of amazing play and dating make for a solid long term poly relationship, or that the superficial 'click' in personalities means that people are a guaranteed fit in the long run.

Reality: long term relationships of any stripe require a lot of communication and real time experience. NRE will kick your ass if you're not careful, so it's important to recognize that high. Enjoy it, to be sure, but be prepared for when NRE wears off. That's the time, IMO, when you get down to the meat of things and can truly determine if the relationship will work long term.

Myth: finding a poly partner who seems such a great fit means that everything will work out smoothly, e.g. disagreements, sharing of responsibility, etc, and that the partner will have the same opinions as everyone else.

Reality: even best friends of many years have different ways of dealing with issues. It's faulty to assume that because a partner sub wants the same things you do, that she will express herself the same way, or perceive things as you do. Seeing things differently isn't a bad thing - it's usually good to have a alternate perspectives on matters - but don't automatically assume that just because she doesn't think the same that she's unsuitable or otherwise mismatched. Give it time, see if the differences can be worked with.

Myth: just because another person is added doesn't mean that anything will change - everyone will still get the same time and attention that they always did. Or, that everyone will always do things together, so it won't be an issue.

Reality: Adding another person almost always means that time and attention are going to be divided, and until someone finds a way to add more hours to the day, or clone people perfectly, someone will have to do without at some point. It's important to try and look at this shift as a positive. Adding a new poly partner requires a significant adjustment period, I think, so try and understand that a little extra time here and there won't make the sky come crashing down.

Myth: Once poly, always poly.

Reality: people change. Circumstances change. Few things are static, so keep that in mind. It's a nice, wonderful, romantic idea that once people pledge to be together forever, that it will be. Truth is, that's a hard thing to guarantee. I prefer to live and be happy with what I have right now, as opposed to banking on what will happen in 5 years. So be happy in poly right now - don't let thinking "Later will be even better" inflate your perception of the present.

That's all I can think of on the fly. I know Lucky will be back with some nuggets of poly wisdom :)

< Message edited by luvdragonx -- 1/18/2006 9:23:21 AM >

_____________________________

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RE: myth vs. reality - 1/18/2006 5:32:55 PM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		Myth: That there is a magical "forever" or "happily ever after" in poly, just like the myth that there is a magical "forever" or "happily ever after" in monogamous relationships.

Reality: People grow, change, shift, and vary, and a poly relationship requires a -lot- of flexiblilty to grow and shift with the changes of multiple people over a long period of time. Forever can only be assessed in the retrospective -- if there is still tomorrow, "forever" can't have happened yet. So instead of focusing on the mythical "ever after" relationship, cherish today, for everything it brings, and continue to work on tomorrow. Today things may be difficult, but that doesn't mean that they'll still be difficult half an hour from now, or a week from now... so face this moment's challenges together, and don't worry about what this means for things a year from now. Today may be extraordinarily good, but that doesn't mean that it will be extraordinarily good a week from now -- so cherish and flourish in this moment's successes, and when things get a little tough, remember that just a little while ago, things were awesome.

Myth: That the people who go into poly are somehow "perfect" -- that they never get jealous, never say spiteful things, never do things to hurt one another... and that if you are with someone who is less than perfect or does something (intentionally or unintentionally) that hurts the group or any individual in it, the relationship is DOOMED.

Reality: Relationships are what we make of them. Every single one of us in a relationship is going to hurt someone that we love at some point or another. Every one of us is going to be difficult to get along with, snipey, snippy, jealous, angry -- and it is up to each of us to decide, every time that something like this happens, whether that thing is enough to make everyone give up on the relationship. Having a poly relationship is challenging.

In a dyad, there is only one major energetic bond... the covalent bond that joins the two people together. In a poly household, the bonds come in many shapes and styles... covalent bonds (where both links draw energy from one another), or Pi-orbitals (where bonds are shared between multiple individuals, and energy may flow along any or all of the bonds at any given time, in any or all directions). This makes for a huge energetic "wheel", with spokes going in many different directions, and different people forming the "hub" at any given time. The dynamics are -going- to shift, and people are -going- to move in and out of the central structure of the family... and the larger the family, the greater the amount of movement in and around that hub, and the more energy being channeled through the relationship... and the greater potential for occasional instability and jumbled thinking.

Poly works. It's worked for a decade for us, and a decade is a good, long time for a relationship. Some of our people have come and gone, but they're all still family, cherished no matter where they are and what life has called them to do. The shape and structure, and the connections between people may shift and change, but as long as love and respect are the focus, no matter what you look like, you'll still be family... to quote Stitch... "Ohana means family... family means nobody is left behind... or forgotten".

Lady Zephyr



_____________________________


"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

(in reply to comesoncommand)
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RE: myth vs. reality - 1/20/2006 7:21:56 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Myth Number One: Love conquers all

Yes, polyamory is all about love. But no amount of love you have will make a day more than 24 hours long, make your energy limitless, make you a better comminicator, make your problems go away, or make glaring breaks glazed over.

Myth Number Two: Anyone can be poly

The idea that we're all trained to be monogamous and that anyone can really be fulfilled in a poly relationship if they just want it enough or are retrained. Sorry, won't work. Some people truly are monogamous and should be content with that.

Myth Number Three: Poly people are more honest/more communicative

Oh how I wish! We're really just like everyone else. We have the same relationship snafu's, the same mistakes, the same issues.

Myth Number Four: Poly people are more social/extroverted

Afraid not. In fact IMO the best poly people cherish and horde their private time, they know how to set the boundaries for themselves so that they can recharge, embrace themselves and not get lost in the roar of socialization. Many poly people are shy, slow to warm up to new people. In a way this makes sense- by forming a poly relationship, over time you build your own stable solid social circle.

Myth Number Five: Everyone will always love everyone the same/If you both love the same person of COURSE you will love eachother

No way. Even monogamous people know this- do they love their serial relationships "the same"? No. We are all different people. Poly is about multiple levels working simultaneously. You're main partner might occasionally be swept away with someone new. And a common problem in Ds poly is the idea that submissives will somehow naturally form bonds just because they both love the same master. Trying to enforce this myth causes more harm than anything else I've seen.

Myth Number Six: People get into poly because the one partner isn't enough

Sadly enough in bdsm this often happens. Doms get power hungry and if one girl kneeling beside you is a rush, TWO girls kneeling beside you is an even bigger rush, not to mention fulfilling every adolescent fantasy you've ever had. However, people who get into poly for those reasons do NOT work.

Myth Number Seven: Adding someone to the relationship is like adding a new chair to the dinner table

Not that simple. The core relationship must flex, be compassionate, and evolve itself to become an entirely new entity (this is most true for cases of fidelitous and close family type poly situations). This is an entirely new person. Just because you're the "initial" relationship doesn't mean you get to keep the good and leave the bad. Just like all the growing pains you had to go through when forming the initial relationship, you have to go through it again.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

(in reply to comesoncommand)
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RE: myth vs. reality - 1/20/2006 7:53:31 AM   
comesoncommand


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you A/all for the thoughtful answers on this one. L.B....i loved the idea of the energy flowing in a poly relationship in a sort of wheel (pi-orbital). This is the first i've encountered that idea, could you elaborate or share a website or book where i could read more?

LuckA...you said a myth is that anyone can be poly. How do you know if you're poly or not? i was also curious about myth #5....how does the bond between subs work then? i have to admit part of my poly "fantasy" is how amazing it would be to be in the same place with someone else in loving my Master...being enamored together, i guess (not having to try to explain the bond/connection with Him because she is feeling the same thing/in the same sort of place).

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: myth vs. reality - 1/20/2006 8:10:47 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: comesoncommand
Thank you A/all for the thoughtful answers on this one. L.B....i loved the idea of the energy flowing in a poly relationship in a sort of wheel (pi-orbital). This is the first i've encountered that idea, could you elaborate or share a website or book where i could read more?

How I put it is that poly means working on several levels simultaneously. Energy flows between levels and between people at different rates at different times. SOmetimes you have to push energy into one person/situation, and then later everyone pushes energy into you. If you have an imbalance, someone begins to feel drained and forgotten.

It happens in monogamy too, just doesn't have as many mitigating factors either way.
quote:


LuckA...you said a myth is that anyone can be poly. How do you know if you're poly or not?


You can do trial and error. Also, just feel what you envision for your future and being fulfilled. There are a gazillion ways to be poly, but monogamy is pretty straight forward. What resonates with you?

And don't worry so much about the label. Whatever relationship you envision as being best for you, go for it.

quote:


i was also curious about myth #5....how does the bond between subs work then?

Sometimes it doesn't. The stupid doms chooses subs that fawn over them and are a good fit to be their sub, but a HORRIBLE fit to be a companion to their existing partners. Depending on the circumstances, this can be worked around, but often it makes more trouble than it's worth.
quote:


i have to admit part of my poly "fantasy" is how amazing it would be to be in the same place with someone else in loving my Master...being enamored together, i guess (not having to try to explain the bond/connection with Him because she is feeling the same thing/in the same sort of place).

This is where it becomes tricky. Everyone has to form their own bonds with everyone else. In some cases, subs may work fabulously together on their own, but when they try and serve together it becomes a wreck!!

Think of it just like monogamy, but you're doing two relationships at the same time instead of one at a time. In monogamy you have to get to know the person, see where you fit and don't fit, whether the overall fit is good, and what situations you fit and what you don't.

In poly, you're all doing that with two or more people AND seeing if the overall situation works well.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

(in reply to comesoncommand)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: myth vs. reality - 1/20/2006 6:24:06 PM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		I wish I could give you something like a book to read... but there isn't one. Perhaps I'll have to write one. I've been working for years providing ministerial/pastoral care for polys and people who incorporate D/s and M/s into their way of life, and these are the tools I've used to explain things. The concept of Pi-orbitals and covalent bonds came from -way- too much chemistry and biochemistry, as I studied medicine and herbalism, and the analogies to energy movement came from meditations on the flow of energy in communities, as I worked to build and heal communities.

I've lived for a decade in a poly home, and truly flourish in it. I'll have to think on writing that book. *smiles*

Feel free to keep in touch. I look forward to hearing how things take shape for you over time. *smiles*

Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: comesoncommand

Thank you A/all for the thoughtful answers on this one. L.B....i loved the idea of the energy flowing in a poly relationship in a sort of wheel (pi-orbital). This is the first i've encountered that idea, could you elaborate or share a website or book where i could read more?


< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 1/20/2006 6:35:50 PM >

_____________________________


"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

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RE: myth vs. reality - 1/20/2006 7:21:00 PM   
kisshou


Posts: 704
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		I think there is alot of groundwork you can do when evolving from a D/s monogomous relationship to a poly relationship. Just like when you were younger and learning about dating,start slowly! Before even looking for someone for a long term relationship spend at least a year watching , then participating in scenes with other girls and your D. I think a few sessions swinging would also broaden your horizons and let you experience first hand how it feels to have your D have sex with someone else. In both of these situations you can work through many emotions and barriers without also having to deal with the other girls emotions. (scenes and swinging being more akin to one night stands). I think alot of the reason poly relationships fail is people leap into them. You would not get married on a first date would you?

This might seem obvious but alot of people do not think about it when they are fantasizing. Some other women will be great to have sex with and some will be awful. This one girl and I had the most amazing sexual experiences together while a different girl who was having sex with myself and the Owner lay there like a dead fish. ::rolls eyes and giggles:::

I hope you found my perspective helpful. I wish you well

kisshou

(in reply to comesoncommand)
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RE: myth vs. reality - 1/24/2006 10:06:12 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 514
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
I don't know if this qualifies as "myth v reality," but there are boundaries in poly, just as there are in monogamy. The secret with poly (and I don't know the answers) is to properly figure out where those boundaries are, and stay within them.

Put another way, people are not completely open, accepting, and non possessive ---- so the key is to strike a balance between consideration and respect AND freedom. Whatever you do, you don't want to hurt the ones you love or make them feel insignificant --- while at the same time you seek something different with a third party.

Its very tricky.

(in reply to comesoncommand)
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RE: myth vs. reality - 1/24/2006 10:19:06 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing

I wish I could give you something like a book to read... but there isn't one. Perhaps I'll have to write one. I've been working for years providing ministerial/pastoral care for polys and people who incorporate D/s and M/s into their way of life, and these are the tools I've used to explain things. The concept of Pi-orbitals and covalent bonds came from -way- too much chemistry and biochemistry, as I studied medicine and herbalism, and the analogies to energy movement came from meditations on the flow of energy in communities, as I worked to build and heal communities.

I've lived for a decade in a poly home, and truly flourish in it. I'll have to think on writing that book. *smiles*

Feel free to keep in touch. I look forward to hearing how things take shape for you over time. *smiles*

Lady Zephyr


Actually there is.

Raven Kaldera who is a great guy in the scene, has written a book about it, and other interesting topics.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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RE: myth vs. reality - 1/24/2006 11:35:08 AM   
Sensualips


Posts: 604
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		I am more experienced in "poly-lite" but several people already made similar comments to my reaction.

I think one myth I bought into was as long as you are open and communicate, you can work through most anything. Sometimes people want different things and become incompatible - and with more people involved it increases the liklihood this will happen. Love and honesty and trust don't fix mismatched needs and misaligned goals.


(in reply to comesoncommand)
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RE: myth vs. reality - 1/24/2006 11:48:54 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

I am more experienced in "poly-lite" but several people already made similar comments to my reaction.

I think one myth I bought into was as long as you are open and communicate, you can work through most anything. Sometimes people want different things and become incompatible - and with more people involved it increases the liklihood this will happen. Love and honesty and trust don't fix mismatched needs and misaligned goals.



Yeah that whole issue where communication itself is the problem is great.

And by great I mean a huge pain in the ass.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: myth vs. reality - 1/24/2006 12:10:37 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 604
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		I care for you and want to work through this. I am openly and honestly communicating to you I want X and can not tolerate Y.

I also care about you. I can tolerate Y, but I can not do X. What I really want is Z.

I have thought about this and I am open to Z, but I must have X.

I will do X, but I will be unfulfilled and resentful. Maybe I could get past that. Because I love you.

But I love you too. And I want you to be happy. But I also need X...I just can't be content and healthy without X.

X gives me chest pains and makes me want to vomit.

Ummm.

Hmmm.

Well hell, now what do we do.

Hey, I have an idea. Let's have this same conversation every day for two months. For variety we can cry sometimes, and scream others, and communicate the same needs in every imaginable way. How about it?

< Message edited by Sensualips -- 1/24/2006 12:18:29 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: myth vs. reality - 1/24/2006 1:18:54 PM   
Ashkitty


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing

I'll have to think on writing that book. *smiles*



Please forgive me if I sound odd or a bit forward.

Lady, I would dare to hope that you are sinscerely considering that book. Innumerable posts of yours here in the poly forum have given me a better understanding on the way poly relationships can be worked out, no doubt due to the wisdom of successful experience. Many of the things you've said have inspired me greatly and offered insight on concepts and mechinations that I sensed but did not yet understand. Not to mention the reassurance of knowing about the reality of growing pains and normality of, as you say, NRE, which I believe for lack of reconization has lead to the downfall of many attempted relations.

I'm sure that you have (and will!) made other fledgling poly people like me feel the same comprehension of complex chemistry, and a book from one such as you would be an utterly invaluable asset to the existing poly communities, as well as anyone who may be curious to try creating a serious poly relationship.

For all the enlightenment I have gained from your knowledge I'd like to thank you, and urge you eagerly to continue pondering the prospects of documenting what you've learned.

*...coughs* I'll go back off to lurking, now... ^^;;

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: myth vs. reality - 1/24/2006 6:36:18 PM   
GreyWolf


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/15/2004
Status: offline 		2 years now into my first poly relationship.... 1 observation I did not read in these threads.

compatability issues are most likely to arise between the two same sex partners. In my case I Master two girls... and I understand that I can only do so much toward ensuring this triad continues in health and good spirits.

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: myth vs. reality - 1/27/2006 5:54:58 PM   
cassie


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		comes,
the reality will differ with each triad. in my past poly relationship, my "sister" and i spent innumerable time getting to know one another on messenger and the phone. we were lucky enough to discover that we really liked each other and to this day are best of friends even tho the relationship is over.
i think one of the biggest myths is that jealousy NEVER enters into the relationship. we are all human, and yes there were times i felt that my issues were more important than hers. but through very strong and open communication we were able to work through it.
i also think it depends upon how the relationship is set up. i know some very successful polys where there is a pecking order. alpha sub(1st) and beta. this would never have worked for me, and our relationship had both of us as equals, in all ways.
like any relationship communication, trust, and feeling confident of where you stand in your dominants heart and soul are keys in helping to make a poly work.

(in reply to comesoncommand)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: myth vs. reality - 1/30/2006 9:31:11 PM   
comesoncommand


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		cassie,

i'm still pretty new to all the lifestyle net ettiquette (sp?)...would you be open to sharing how you went about establishing a relationship with your sister to creative a positive experience (if i emailed you through collarme)? Some of the things you found that worked for you?

(in reply to cassie)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: myth vs. reality - 2/1/2006 8:06:07 AM   
comesoncommand


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Greywolf...pardon me if i'm stepping into too personal of territory...but i was curious if your two girls spent the same amount of time getting to know each other as was mentioned in other posts here? Are compatibility issues just something that is destined to arise in two girls with one Master?

(in reply to comesoncommand)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: myth vs. reality - 2/1/2006 10:22:06 AM   
MrThorns


Posts: 801
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Great topic...

My .02 :

Myth: Total equality between slaves is always the best way to maintain stability and avoid jealousy within the relationship.

Fact: There is no one way to run a household. Some people may be able to live under some form of equality...others may need some form of slave hierarchy. Really take the time to know the people you are getting involved with to determine the best structure for your particular household.

Myth: Poly makes life easier for everyone involved.

Fact: (Well...I consider this to be factual) Poly can be one of the most challenging relationships you could ever get involved with. Work schedules, sleeping arrangements, who's picking up the "unmentionables", personal issues, personality conflicts, etc etc are all multiplied by the number of people within that relationship.

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to comesoncommand)
Profile   Post #: 20
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