Poly and the secrets from extended family

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Poly and the secrets from extended family

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Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/2/2005 9:50:35 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 334
Joined: 7/29/2005
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I have recently started a poly relationship with my Lord and sis. There are quite a few challenges that we are all working through. One of them is the challenge of extended family. My Lord and alandra have been together for many years. To their family and the non-lifestyle community they are husband and wife and have been married for 15 years this past summer. My family (parents, brother, aunts, etc.) have no idea that He is married or that there is a third person involved in this relationship. The structure (M/s) of our relationship and that we are poly is a secret that we keep from our extended family and non-lifestyle friends. When we are out in public, non-lifestyle settings like the movies, dinner or shopping we do not alter our behavior. The three of us are affectionate and do not hide that we are all intimate together, holding hands, touching, hugging… It is behavior that is socially acceptable and not outlandish or attention getting, but the behavior occurs with the three of us instead of just two.

The challenge comes when visiting with parents. To their parents, I am just a good friend of the family and many behaviors have to be hidden and not demonstrated. My parents have never even met alandra and all they know of her is that she is a friend that my Lord introduced me to. At this point in our lives telling my family about our relationship is not a choice that I can make. It would cause great pain to my parents to learn about my relationship and our interactions with them are limited. Eventually, all of our families will learn that we are a poly relationship. Until then, dealing with the secrecy is challenging for me.

I have never been a fan of secrets and lying is something that is damaging to my well-being. In my choices I have had to balance the damage from keeping secrets and not revealing the truth against the damage that telling the truth would cause. There will come a time that keeping the secret will be too painful for me and I will have to share it, but until then I am trying to handle the feelings and thoughts that come.

My question is how others in poly families handle sharing or not sharing the dynamics of your relationships with extended family members?

Just so there is no confusion, I am not married nor do I have children. When I refer to my family, I am talking about parents, brother, aunts, cousins.

Knight's kyra

Post #: 1

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/2/2005 10:50:37 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Time time and more time.

The more shared experiences you all have, the more the family sees you "together" then you will simply become part of the experience naturally.

Whether you choose to formally come out to them or not is your choice (but personally I'd wait a few years if ever). If you don't come out, then simply allow them to make up their own minds about what's going on and live your lives.

As long as each partner makes sure the other partners are respected as "someone I care for in my life" that's what matters in the end. The snafus about "can we both go to the wedding together?" and such can be handled on a piece by piece basis. Over lots of time, it can become simple expected that you are all three "together."

But give it time and more time. Let everyone become adjusted to everyone.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 2

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/3/2005 10:18:08 PM

Manawyddan

Posts: 212
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline

I told my wife that after we're married, I would like to be free to out myself to my family as someone involved in a poly relationship (my family has all met my girlfriend; she was 'best woman' at my wedding). My wife said, "Fine, so long as I'm not in the room when you do it."

I have no interest in sitting any family members down for A Serious Talk. One of these days I'll just mention my girlfriend in passing if it's relevant to the conversation.

_____________________________

_______________________________________________
"She always had a terrific sense of humor"
(Valerie Solonas, as described by her mother)
_______________________________________________

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/5/2005 7:16:47 AM

ChereeAmoor

Posts: 184
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

My family has not demonstrated a Need To Know about my personal life. My children know, and shrugged it off with the comment, "as long as everybody is happy", but my parents never knew and never needed to know. We often go out together, but seldom hug in restaurants or the grocery store.

Of course it depends upon the inddividuals in question - but I have seen a LOT of misery caused by person A thinking they HAD to tell person B things that poor old person B really did not want to know.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 4

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/5/2005 8:40:40 AM

Bondagenexus

Posts: 1
Joined: 10/2/2005
Status: offline

My monogamous marriage of 19 years turned poly when my wife decided that to be truly fulfilled I should experience someone with complementary kinks. This woman became so enamored with my generosity in dominating her that she soon moved in.

But my wife and I got to church! And have our kids in Catholic school! You can imagine the struggle to find the appropriate line between secrecy (which is damaging) and discretion. I didn't tell my parents for a year. He's a deacon in the Catholic church and years later is no more happy with it than he was back then.

We're in our sixth year as a vee triad. Still learning and growing.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 5

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/5/2005 10:19:54 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 1062
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

My family, Holly's family, and Rob's family all suspect - officially, however, they know nothing and we plan on keeping it that way for awhile longer. Especially as both Holly's family and my family are rather homophobic ... Our new boy's family only knows about me, because well ... first he doesn't talk to them much, and second, he is monogamous with me - no interest in Holly or Rob either one. The only issue would be if they decide that I'm a horrible, cheating hussy because I'm not monogamous with him ... but since he knew that before we ever went on our first date, I don't think that he will agree with them should it ever become an issue.

(in reply to Bondagenexus)

Post #: 6

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/5/2005 12:13:28 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 851
Joined: 9/8/2005
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We just identify ourselves as one family. If people ask questions, we give them the information they need to know.

So far none of our biological families have inquired further. My guess is that they know at some level and don't want it confirmed. Funny thing is that the most fundamental and religiously/social restricted person in my family, my mothers, is also the one who most consistantly asks how Fox is doing and says to give him their best.

To non-family I describe my household based on what they need to know. Most people don't need to know that I own Fox, that would just raise very strange questions in their minds that I frankly don't feel the need to explore. I just refer to Fox as my secondary partner.

My friends (kinky and vanilla) all know the reality and they either stay friends or get out of our lives (at which point I have to ask just how good of friends they really were).

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 7

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/5/2005 3:56:51 PM

mystictryst

Posts: 89
Joined: 9/6/2005
Status: offline

Several years ago, prior to my envolvement in this lifestyle and with a previous "vanilla" partner, we had a third with us for a while, although his family never new her, some of mine did and we just introduced her as a friend.

Now that I have a better understanding of a poly relationship (I didn't know about poly relaitonships in my previous experience, she was a just a woman we all slept with) I really don't see an issue with introducing anyone to my family... However, I'm fairy lucky that my family is open minded and know I'm a little "off" to begin with... Most of my friends know I'm bi anyway, so it would be much of a stretch for us to have another lady involved.

I would be inclined, and of course, this is only me on the outside looking in, to introduce the other partners as "my girlfriend, Jane and my boyfriend John." Let others draw their own conclusions about what the names mean...

*edited to add that it was in a previous relationship*

< Message edited by mystictryst -- 11/5/2005 3:57:43 PM >

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 8

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/6/2005 4:31:06 AM

kisshou

Posts: 704
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

It would cause great pain to my parents to learn about my relationship and our interactions with them are limited.
Knight's kyra

This is what I don't understand if you know it would cause them great pain , why is your picture up on a public website where they or another family member or friend easily come across it. Also what is more important to you , you feeling fulfilled by 'being honest' and telling all about your life, or your hurting people who have raised , nurtured and loved you , your whole life. I also think people do not give parents enough credit. You seem like a very intelligent, self aware person, I find it hard to believe that parents who raised you to be that way are as clueless about things as you seem to think. Sometimes when it is our life we are too close to it to see the big picture. I have a nephew who is gay and trys so hard to hide it , the sad thing is we all already know. How about ask a trusted cousin some leading questions.

Best wishes to y'all

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/6/2005 7:19:39 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 334
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kisshou

This is what I don't understand if you know it would cause them great pain , why is your picture up on a public website where they or another family member or friend easily come across it. Also what is more important to you , you feeling fulfilled by 'being honest' and telling all about your life, or your hurting people who have raised , nurtured and loved you , your whole life. I also think people do not give parents enough credit. You seem like a very intelligent, self aware person, I find it hard to believe that parents who raised you to be that way are as clueless about things as you seem to think. Sometimes when it is our life we are too close to it to see the big picture. I have a nephew who is gay and trys so hard to hide it , the sad thing is we all already know. How about ask a trusted cousin some leading questions.

Best wishes to y'all

But you are assuming that my parents, family and friends surf the web looking at BDSM personal sites. If they do, more power to them. I have no fear or anxiety about someone I know finding a picture of me on a BDSM personals site. It would obviously be something they went in search for and I could ask them as many questions as they ask me. I have never understood why people are concerned with putting their picture on a site for fear of being discovered. My question to anyone who sees my picture on this site, "What were you doing looking at a BDSM personals web site and are you a Top, bottom or switch??" My mother would most definitely be a Dominant. *g*

Some people may consider this selfish, but at the end of the day the most important thing to me is my own happiness and my own well-being. I am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness or well-being. I am only responsible for my own. If I do not take care of my own well-being then I am not obeying my Lord. His first rule is that I am to protect His property. And my parents are the ones who first taught me this. If there comes a time that keeping this secret causes harm to my well-being, then it will be shared. This is not to say that I will make this decision lightly or without the due consideration that it deserves. Eventually, I will move into the house with my Lord, alandra and their children. What happens when my parents want to visit? (This is a situation that will occur rarely given the distance between my Lord and my parents, but it could happen) Do I ask alandra to take down the wedding pictures that are so cherished or the family pictures of them all together? Do I ask alandra to leave while my parents visit? Absolutely not; I would never consider doing that.

As for my parents already knowing, I just smile at that. My parents are so conservative and traditional in their view of the world that the terms BDSM, poly and power enhancement relationships are not even in their vocabulary. They may watch me with my Lord and know that the way I behave with Him is different than any other man I have been with. But from their perspective, they think that I am finally behaving the way a woman should with “her man” and probably say to themselves, see I knew once she found the right guy she would start behaving correctly. With my Lord, I behave more like they think a woman is supposed to, the service and deferential treatment. As for my sex life, my parents prescribe to the thought process of don’t ask and don’t tell. My mother has seen the marks from fingernail scratches and bites, so she knows that my sex life is somewhat rough, but she won’t ever ask. If my parents have ever exhibited more knowledge and awareness of life outside of their own conservative world that they grew up in, then I would agree with you that they could have some idea about my life.

Knight's kyra

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 10

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/15/2005 7:58:30 AM

redheadedfire4u

Posts: 104
Joined: 11/11/2005
Status: offline

I suppose in one way I am lucky, after some of the things I did in my youth my family are pretty much shock proof when it comes to me lol.
I think they all know on some level that I have been poly and all definately know I am bi, 50% know but do not want to discuss it, but the other half, and my close vanilla friends will talk about my entry into L/s and my relationship with Sir and sis, ask inteligent questions and try to understand where I am and what I am doing, but basically they love me and as long as I am happy they are happy.
I am lucky that there were some rewards to my wild and wicked youth and the blatant honesty that I ran arround shocking them with, who would have guessed that being the black sheep of the family would actually work in my favor in my later years lol
warm smiles to all

_____________________________

Driver1961's girl "wild child" and loving sister to His angel

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 11

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/26/2005 6:54:01 AM

Ashkitty

Posts: 4
Joined: 6/2/2005
Status: offline

quote:

But you are assuming that my parents, family and friends surf the web looking at BDSM personal sites. If they do, more power to them. I have no fear or anxiety about someone I know finding a picture of me on a BDSM personals site. It would obviously be something they went in search for and I could ask them as many questions as they ask me. I have never understood why people are concerned with putting their picture on a site for fear of being discovered. My question to anyone who sees my picture on this site, "What were you doing looking at a BDSM personals web site and are you a Top, bottom or switch??" My mother would most definitely be a Dominant. *g*

Knight's kyra

I had to reply to say that was absolutely amazing. I love it! "Top, bottom or switch?" Heh! I'll have to (if you don't mind of course) use that if anyone happens to stumble across my picture. :D Brilliant.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 12

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/26/2005 2:34:28 PM

anopheles

Posts: 240
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline

The only comment that I would make is to take care, in what information that you choose to disclose, and that which you don't. It may be my near-sighted opinion, but I don't really see any reason to disclose to others, whether they be my family or not, intimate details of my personal life. The risk of alienation is high, especiallyif your family is conservative as you say. I would feel that the only time that is a real issue of contention, whether to let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, is if it is really bothering you. Do you want these details of your life to be open to your family, or are you OK with them not knowing. If you are okay with them not knowing, then I would say nothing, but if you aren't OK with that, then I would say that you will probably not be "quite" happy until you find a way to tell them.

Just my opinion,
Anopheles

_____________________________

You've got me so high, my shoes are scraping the sky -- for my Luvdragon

(in reply to Ashkitty)

Post #: 13

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/26/2005 3:36:00 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

For me, I've shared with my parents, relatives that I see often enough to matter, and with my ex and his wife about all of my core companions. The reasons that I've done so are two-fold. First, I have an ethical "squick factor" about lying and hiding people who are intimate in my life from others who are also intimate family. Second, I tell relevant parties because these people are a constant part of my life. If I go to visit my parents or my ex, I don't want to have to leave one or more of my beloveds in the hotel room. I want my unmentionables to have the chance to come to know and love them as I do. I want the unmentionables to be able to come visit without having to worry about either (A) getting a hotel room (or sending them to a friend's house)for the "extra" people for a while or (B) risking the unmentionables saying something to the ex or his wife that would set off a tidal wave of crises.

It is also important to mention that for me, discussion of the shape and form of our household isn't an issue of discussing sex, any more than it would be for my brother to have told me that he was getting married. No-one else that I know hides that they are in a relationship, unless they are trying to cheat on that relationship or are ashamed of it. Neither of those apply for me. I am proud of both my mates and our decision to live the way that we do. For me, the core of my household are my family, too... they are (were) my husbands and wife, in the eyes of our commitment, if not in the eyes of the law.

Other people, even in our own household, have made different choices where extended family are concerned. Each person has to look at the risk/benefit ratio and decide who and what to share or not share. As long as the risk is greater than any singular or cumulative benefit to the individual and to our family as a whole, staying quiet makes sense (note here that I say -and-... if the -only- benefit is to the family as a whole, and there is either no benefit or a detriment to the member concerned, silence or some communal aggreement of what we are to the people that our family member requires secrecy with holds). I bear no malice for others decisions, even where it involves me and leaves me in uncomfortable or untenable positions. I chose to be here, and accept the baggage that occasionally comes with the choice. We all do what our conscience calls us to do, and knowing that I can trust my beloveds' consciences is sufficient for me.

Lady Zephyr

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 14

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/26/2005 10:45:42 PM

galsdelight

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

Hello A/all,
As a girl who has just entered a poly relationship, I to am concerned with these same questions, I live apart from Sir n sis and also have children.
We have discussed that when they come to visit that we act for now as if Sir is mine alone and sis is a close friend. My boys are used to females sharing my bed but never thought of it in a sexual way, they are sexually open minded kids, which is how I chose to raise them.
Never have my children been here at the same time as Sir AND sis, but they knew she stayed, I just explained as another said in post that she is my girlfriend as nowadays it is a common place discription of ones female friends. My youngest is not silly and has asked what my sis' relationship is to Sir, I explained it as a close friend as at 11 he maybe knowledgeable but I believe that he is still too young.
I know the day will come when I have to discuss it with them, I pray that W/we are ready for any or all the fall out but hope for a happy ending.

I choose to spend my time with Sir at His house to ease the problems, though distance helps when W/we go out in public W/we can act freely our feelings for each other.

Sir Driver's Angel

_____________________________

What goes around comes around

What goes up must come down

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 15

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 11/27/2005 7:36:28 PM

dstar

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kisshou

This is what I don't understand if you know it would cause them great pain , why is your picture up on a public website where they or another family member or friend easily come across it. Also what is more important to you , you feeling fulfilled by 'being honest' and telling all about your life, or your hurting people who have raised , nurtured and loved you , your whole life. I also think people do not give parents enough credit. You seem like a very intelligent, self aware person, I find it hard to believe that parents who raised you to be that way are as clueless about things as you seem to think. Sometimes when it is our life we are too close to it to see the big picture. I have a nephew who is gay and trys so hard to hide it , the sad thing is we all already know. How about ask a trusted cousin some leading questions.

I can't answer for her, but I can tell you what my reasoning is.

My parents do not know I'm kinky, poly, or pagan. Nor, for that matter, do they know I write erotic fiction. If they knew, it would hurt them.

So why don't I hide who I am on the internet?

A decade ago, when I was first really getting active on the net, I had to make a decision -- hide who I was, or be true to myself. Do I do everything I can to conceal my identity, or do I refuse to be ashamed of who I am?

It wasn't really a choice.

Someday, I suspect, my parents will find out these things, and I'm not looking forward to it. But I'm not willing to live my life to please someone else. I have to do what's right for _me_.

Shalon Wood

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 16

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 12/3/2005 7:16:08 AM

Manawyddan

Posts: 212
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dstar
A decade ago, when I was first really getting active on the net, I had to make a decision -- hide who I was, or be true to myself. Do I do everything I can to conceal my identity, or do I refuse to be ashamed of who I am?

It wasn't really a choice.

Someday, I suspect, my parents will find out these things, and I'm not looking forward to it. But I'm not willing to live my life to please someone else. I have to do what's right for _me_.

A couple years ago, I placed an entry on my website which deals with my sexual life. I did this after consulting my wife, who gave permission provided I removed the explicit details about our practices together which are on my 'hidden' page.

I figure if my parents go to my website and click on something labled 'Pervery', they deserve what they get.

_____________________________

_______________________________________________
"She always had a terrific sense of humor"
(Valerie Solonas, as described by her mother)
_______________________________________________

(in reply to dstar)

Post #: 17

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 12/3/2005 10:04:06 AM

ChereeAmoor

Posts: 184
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

We figure that it is none of their business.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 12/4/2005 5:39:57 PM

GothicGoddess72

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

if you are living the lifestyle and do it in public im sure if others have seen you that know your family, have talked with them and they know

as far as telling them...... do it if and when you fell it is the right time. if you have always been open with your family and you feel they know you well enough not to judge you then they should not have a problem with you,and if they do have a problem maybe they need to know how you feel about the whole life you are living and maybe they will open their eyes and see how well it makes you feel!

i myself think .............that ,that makes one happy why change it!

_____________________________

"Heres to you and heres to me if we ever disagree F**k you and heres to me"

(in reply to ChereeAmoor)

Post #: 19

RE: Poly and the secrets from extended family - 12/4/2005 7:37:29 PM

phoenixMF

Posts: 23
Joined: 10/17/2005
Status: offline

hi kyra...
To me, your personal intimate life is no one's business... including extended family. By not telling them about it, does not mean that you are lying to them.

You are starting from the mindset that you automatically should make them aware of how you are living... time to take back your own personal space and own it, protect it...

if they should notice something that is a clue, that you are not in the typical vanilla relationship... and they ask you about it... you still do not owe them any explanation... setting a healthy boundary with your extended family is the way to go, in my opinion.

I would make a joke... respond with a mysterious answer that doesn't admit or deny anything... or I would go ahead and admit it and brag about it with slight jokes so they would still not be sure if I was really living a poly life or not...

It's great exercise for their imaginations to keep them guessing.

If one of them demands a serious explanation... and I chose to give them a serious answer... I would tell them that I prefer to keep the personal part of my life private, as it should be... then I would quickly change the subject.

None of this is lying to anyone. Just my perspective. I hope all goes well with you and your fam. ~ phoenix[MF]

< Message edited by phoenixMF -- 12/4/2005 7:40:12 PM >

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 20

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