RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play

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RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play

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RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/25/2005 7:13:51 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 1931
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petwolf22

most people want poly?

I think she means as a fantasy, much in the same way most men dream of being a hero in combat.

Once the complexity of both poly and combat become apparent significantly fewer want to continue.

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(in reply to petwolf22)

Post #: 21

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/25/2005 7:19:09 PM

petwolf22

Posts: 220
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline

that could be...maybe i just try to think too much of the logistics and problems in my fantasies to see poly as one.

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 22

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/25/2005 7:27:01 PM

realophelia

Posts: 166
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Eastern PA
Status: offline

When I had trouble with it, it was a trust issue. I trusted my old Dom on a lot of levels. But I didn't have much faith in his feelings for me. This made me feel jealous and insecure and when the opportunity to play with a third came along I just couldn't do it. My current Master is in an open marriage. I know that he cares for me however and I have no real trust issues. If he wanted to bring in someone else at play time, I would be happy to try it. Ophelia

< Message edited by realophelia -- 9/25/2005 7:49:50 PM >

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(in reply to OHFiremaster)

Post #: 23

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/25/2005 10:06:01 PM

DarkQuin

Posts: 37
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Maybe you are looking at the wrong kind of submissive. If you are trying to convince a submissive that just wants monogamy to accept polygamy, then you will just keep failing to find what you are looking for. If on the other hand, you state your parameters in the beginning of what you are looking for you may find what you are looking for a lot easier.

Being upfront with what you want, will get you a lot further than stating it later. Starting off with a monogamous relationship and then trying to go polygamous doesn't normally work. The person who wasn't looking for a poly relationship, will take the next step as a slap in the face that they aren't enough and that you are easing them out of the relationship. This probably isn't true, but we all base our opinions off of what we think, percieve and our emotions.

To be in a poly relationship everybody needs to be confident in themselves and the relationship. If everybody is not secure in the relationship then somebody gets jealous, there is back biting and everybody ends up getting hurt.

I would suggest attending some bdsm events and organizations that are close to you. There are a fair number of classes in the larger BDSM events that you will find interesting and there is at least one on poly relationships usually as well.

Q

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(in reply to realophelia)

Post #: 24

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/26/2005 8:01:53 AM

ChereeAmoor

Posts: 184
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

Best of luck to you in your search - a great many poly people are looking for the Hot Bi Babe!

(in reply to DarkQuin)

Post #: 25

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/26/2005 11:49:37 AM

Quivver

Posts: 664
Joined: 11/27/2004
From: Rural OZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OHFiremaster

I am not refering to a random sub. Every sub I have had, have been the kind that want their life mate in a dom. I want to get into poly play. I want to know why most of the subs I have had, I can get them interested. But they wait until their next dom to play with it. I am begining to feel it is me. Oh I was successful once, but she turned out to be a person playing sub and then encounter was not the best.

Ahhhh Firemaster...... just my .02 here. Let me start this off with been there done that.
No, not in the terms of Poly, but the *cough* Master(s) who wanted me interested in
poly play. Something you said in your second sentence makes me question you on this.
When you say "I want to get into poly play." that word *play* makes me believe what
your interested in is only possibly an extention of what many swingers do, that fantasy
of a FMF three sum, only difference here is you'd like to control the action? Sigh.......
Possibly the picture I paint of what your asking is wrong, yet it's so damn comon, it,
the useage of the word *play* is one reason many many women refuse to entertain
the thought of Poly. Now I'm not speaking for all women, but even without asking I
know I speak for many. Realophelia say's it well with:"I didn't have much faith in his feelings for me". For many of us who've been the recipent of wishes such as your,
(yes Master most people do wish) many of us Sub's also wish to please, yet find sharing
on a daily level an impossible thought. Some can accept *play* yet not on a daily like
live in basis. Others no way, no how. I realize you've stated here on this thread
that what you seek is a life style, yet your verbage sucks in my humble opinion.
And although I call um as I see um, I'll wish you well in your search.

Q, who's got that T shirt

(in reply to OHFiremaster)

Post #: 26

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/26/2005 12:46:38 PM

OHFiremaster

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline

I apologize for my verbage. I am however glad that you got the jest of what I was trying to say. I find if I try to say things other ways people have a way of misunderstanding it. Anyway, play.. like something the swingers do. Yes not on a daily basis. I am afraid if we played more often it would be imposible to keep the kids from finding out. How the lifestyle comes into it, is that we are seeking it on going. A sub for ocasional sessions. I hope I have clarified this for you. Thank you for you wishes and your positive critisim.

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 27

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/26/2005 1:52:32 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OHFiremaster
Thank you for you wishes and your positive critisim.

Probably the best way to put it is that you want a bi fucktoy on call.

< Message edited by EmeraldSlave2 -- 9/26/2005 1:56:56 PM >

(in reply to OHFiremaster)

Post #: 28

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/26/2005 7:29:31 PM

MsPurrmeow

Posts: 254
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
Probably the best way to put it is that you want a bi fucktoy on call.

Well said, Emerald. That's pretty much what I was gleaning from the posts.

Not many people want to be a dirty little secret to be kept around only when it's convenient, regardless of whether it's about polyamory, monogamy, or anything else.

This OP seems to have a lot of issues in the primary relationship that need to be dealt with first. Not the kind of stable, happy family that would attract many subs, much less one open to a poly relationship.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 29

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/27/2005 4:35:35 AM

crimsontied4u

Posts: 58
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline

I think of the old saying:
Two's company,Three's a crowd!

Besides,it only takes two to tango!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(in reply to petwolf22)

Post #: 30

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/27/2005 10:58:46 AM

sactownsinsation

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline

Seems like there have been varied answers that cover a lot of ground on this subject. I would agree that poly is more difficult for many people. We have been so inculterated into monogomy. Ego strength, unerlying insecurities all play a part in feeling comfy with spreading our partners around. In my disucssions I find many folks just find it totally odd.

Now...the shoe is on the other foot here. I am a submissive, very open to poly. My Dom is ok with us having other women on the scene, maybe at some point in time a LTR with another person...so true Poly. I am too. I am also very open to having other men, at least for play scenes, but my Dom isn't. I agreed to this at the outset of our relationship and have no issue with it, just showing the other side of the coin.

Lady k. submissive to Sir Lancelot my Love Lord

(in reply to OHFiremaster)

Post #: 31

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/28/2005 6:25:01 AM

ChereeAmoor

Posts: 184
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

Firemaster, you want to "play" like swingers, and not on a daily basis, according to your last post. Swingers, to the best of my knowledge, fuck. Play is what people do with cards.

So you want someone to fuck when and where and how you say, and boy oh boy, isn't THAT attractive? I really must tell you that subs are people too, with their own hopes and wants and maybe being a Real Doll isn't what most subbies are looking for in life.

(in reply to OHFiremaster)

Post #: 32

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/28/2005 8:27:50 PM

mystictryst

Posts: 89
Joined: 9/6/2005
Status: offline

I've often witnessed the word "play" used many ways in the "lifestyle"...

Fire, edge, knife, come to my mind immediately.

I do agree whole heartedly that poly doesn't fit the "play" category and I'm sure it was only a poor choice of words on the OPer's part. I have also been witnessed to people "playing" at poly - not always realizing that there are real feelings (and real people) attached. I would suggest what the others before me have, make sure that your relationship has its kinks (for a lack of a better word) sorted out and ensure that the people you are talking to understand your intentions; be honest and forthcoming so as not to lead someone down a path they don't want to be done.

(in reply to ChereeAmoor)

Post #: 33

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/28/2005 8:56:20 PM

vixxy

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/21/2005
Status: offline

Warm greetings :)

I think it takes unique people to be able to make a poly relationship to work.

The dominant in the relationship has to be capable of treating both submissives equally to most extents. If the submissves dont feel confident and secure in the relationship and fear that they could be replaced, it wont be long before it crumbles. I dont think hierarchies within poly relationships for submissives work well either, or having submissives with self esteem issues.

I have always been attracted to the idea of poly relationships, but I am not sure if the whole idea could be a reality.

Is there really anyone who is in a poly relationship that has lasted for more then a few years? or is it an urban legend? :)

vixxy

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 34

Poly duration was RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a ... - 9/28/2005 9:10:50 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 1931
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: vixxy
Is there really anyone who is in a poly relationship that has lasted for more then a few years? or is it an urban legend? :)

vixxy

Libby and I have been together since 1992. Shortly after we met another woman joined us. Since then there have been others, some just for a scene and other relationships that have lasted almost a decade.

I know one lesbian triad that has been together since 1985 and a chain family that formed up sometime in the early 90s.

Poly people can form lasting relationships but the complexity goes up with the power of the number in that relationship so it's natural that some break up relatively quickly. Poly takes work... a lot of work. [embarrassed grin] There's also a lot of LUCK involved

< Message edited by JohnWarren -- 9/28/2005 9:11:30 PM >

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(in reply to vixxy)

Post #: 35

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/28/2005 9:11:10 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: vixxy
Is there really anyone who is in a poly relationship that has lasted for more then a few years? or is it an urban legend? :)

vixxy

Oh yeah they are out there, the owner and his primary are well over a decade at this point.

And remember, one dom, two subs is only one form of poly that you find in Ds.

(in reply to vixxy)

Post #: 36

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/28/2005 11:28:16 PM

MasterArn

Posts: 19
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

Personally, i think this has "Harem" written all over it...

Respectively,
Master Arn

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 37

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/29/2005 9:00:11 AM

MsPurrmeow

Posts: 254
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: vixxy
Is there really anyone who is in a poly relationship that has lasted for more then a few years? or is it an urban legend? :)
vixxy

I hope I'm not an urban legend. 18 years and 10 years concurrently. I have a friend going on 18 and 11 as well. Those are both PolyFi families.

As for the more promiscuous types, I know quite a number of couples that have survived the ins and outs of decade or more with "play" on the side. Several have had live-ins for various periods of time, but none have lasted long-term in this category. That's just my experience, but I'm sure I cannot know them all.

Purr

(in reply to vixxy)

Post #: 38

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/29/2005 9:32:31 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 851
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterArn

Personally, i think this has "Harem" written all over it...

Respectively,
Master Arn

Harem, yes, I did so love when I had that.....

But a note that in a harem the members lived with each other and had to deal with each other daily in some fashion. Jealousy could develop but so could friendships and support systems. Often there were clearly laid out heirarchies in the harem so the members knew how to deal with each other.

Harem, yes, well, thinking, remembering, so nice.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

(in reply to MasterArn)

Post #: 39

RE: Why is it so hard to introduce a sub into poly play - 9/29/2005 9:36:53 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 851
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: vixxy

Is there really anyone who is in a poly relationship that has lasted for more then a few years? or is it an urban legend? :)

vixxy

I've been in a family now where I've been with my husband for 15 years and my slave for 6 as of two weekends from now.

Our next big test will come when I get a tenure track job and we move -- will Fox move with us? Husband and I assume he will, Fox says "Where else would I go, Mistress," but the realist in me says "wait and see".

And poly is very difficult to do well. It takes work from everyone. For me, it just seems more natural but it is still work. But then so is a monogamous relationship.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

(in reply to vixxy)

Post #: 40

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