RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 8/15/2005 10:04:15 AM

synrgy33

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Sadly, it's very hard when you're jealous. I know.. I'm there! it's hard for a non poly person to be involved with a poly person.

I agree that you should read the Ethical Slut. I went and bought it and was so glad I had. Dave Sir and I aren't really poly more into an open relationship. Basically it boils down to loving each other and trusting each other enough to be open minded to possibilities. For a long time I didn't understand that. Only recently really have I began to open my mind further.

One thing that Sir and I do for our relationship is that we meet potential play partners. Recently He met a girl that He wanted to play/scene with (not necessarily meaning sex). If I want to meet someone, then He gets to meet them too, and vice versa. So far.. I'm not really interested in persuing anything. The one person I did mention to Him, He was thrilled and that's in negotation but this person was already a friend of ours and His wife is thrilled. ...

We also spend alot of time talking about it. I'm one of those people that tends to OVER ANALYZE everything in my life on what to expect, what will happen etc. I want to know. Well life just aint that easy. *laughs*... so He's had to do a lot of reassurance with me etc.

So if you read The Ethical Slut.. and you still find yourself hating poly.. I suggest ending the relationship before it eats you alive. Eventually it will come back and bite you in the butt.

ALso if he's dating all these other women.... it just doesn't sound right to me.. Being as I'm not into a totally poly relationship, I don't have advice here, but I agree with Scooter Sir and what others say that it has to be a family dynamic. If I didn't get along so well with the girl Sir wants to play with then it'd be a miserable time for all.

stephanie~SD~

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 8/16/2005 12:39:39 PM

anopheles

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quote:

I am a non-poly female, I am involded with a male who is poly. I care deeply for him. We have been together for over 2 years going on 3 years. I at times find myself very upset that he takes time with the other girls.

Candy, the first sentence is a warning sign, in my opinion. He knows you are not poly, you really can't be expected to be "OK" with him having other women. Is that really what you want from your Dom/Master? To me, this is the fine line that you walk when you agree to submission, which is knowing where the line between submitting and fulfilling your part of the bargain, and just agreeing to be taken advantage of. My inclination is that you're falling on the taken advantage of side. You haven't mentioned anything uplifting that YOU get from this relationship. It seems that you just get bits and pieces that keep you coming back for more.

quote:

Now, I wear something of his 24/7/365 the other girls have no clue. I also have rules i live by. As far as i know the other girls do not know of this nor do they wear anything that belongs to him. I am required to show myself every week to him in person.

You wear something of his that the other girls have no one has a clue about? How is that? If he is "poly" and no just playing then why would he have reason to hide it? The only logical conclusion I can come to is that the other girls aren't poly, or he has some other reason to hide his relationship with you.

When you are required to show yourself to him, is it a random day during the week? Do you get the impression that he is "fitting you around his schedule"? That could be a telltale sign of something not being quite on the level....

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 8/18/2005 3:48:03 PM

Rendclaw

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Hey there John, as an aside, I want to thank you for writing The Loving Dominant. That book helped immensely in helping a then budding Dominant figure out what these feelings were inside him that he could no longer ignore.

I have found out the hard way, that unless the woman is at the very least open-minded to the concept of poly, it is not going to work. There are a lot of obstacles to overcome and unless she is at the least willing to try, it is a losing battle you are fighting. I lost a woman I wanted to marry because she could not handle the fact that I could have feelings, attraction, and desire for another, and she did everything she could to sabotage my other relationships.

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 9/6/2005 11:24:28 AM

WillfulFilly

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Hi candyissweet,

I appreciate your dilema and can empathize with the pain and confusion you feel. A mono person with an "other" who requires poly or multiple partners can be a heart wrenching situation at best and a heart breaking one at worst. I am currently in the understanding and adjustment phase of a mono w/ poly dynamic, with Him being poly.

My first question to you is this, does he encourage (or allow) you to have other partners too?

I ask because I had a revelation while reading the responses; it seems that a key to differentiating between poly and playing around is that both partners are free to explore another, or multiple other, relationships and the two primary have predetermined agreements as to what those others include. I'd never quite understood the significance of this factor before, but it makes sense.

Another important key is the explicit, honest and direct communication between all parties in a poly situation. That seems to be missing from your dynamic and, in my opinion, it raises a very large red flag. From everything I've learned, communication is the lifeblood of this complex relationship choice; and truth is the core to a strong bond of communication.

Also, you say "at times find myself very upset that he takes time with the other girls." I think this is significant. What is occuring in your life and your relationship with the "times" you become upset verses the times when it is not so painful for you? Does it hurts more mostly when there are other stressful factors in your life (ie: job stress, fatigue, family/friend issues) or is it because something in his manner towards you has shifted?

My opinion; you must determine what type of relationship you really have; is it poly or is it, as others have suggested, a situation where he has other partners and you do not. Also, are you really the primary? Know what you really have and where you really stand with this man (and the other women) and then you can decide if this is how you really want to live your life.

My compassion goes out to you and I hope that some deep soul searching will bring you answers. He needs to communicate with you, and you are well within your rights (even as a submissive...especially as a submissive) to express your needs and your boundaries. It is about dignity.

Yes, you love him but are your deep, emotional needs being fulfilled enough to maintain this relationship? If not, well, sometimes love isn't enough. You are who you are, and you can only give what you are able to give. It's your responsiblity to keep yourself healthy and whole. Love yourself first and foremost. No one can help you fulfill needs if you don't communicate them. No one worth loving will disrespect your healthy boundaries, actually they will champion them. Does he do this for you?

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 10/3/2005 4:04:20 PM

SweetDommes

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I'm bumping this up (and sorry, but I haven't read all the posts, so forgive me if this has been brought up before) to bring up a different spin on the topic - and I couldn't find the topic that I really wanted to put this in ... sorry.

A poly Female with a non-poly male. Our new boy, so far, has shown himself to be quite monogamous. He only has sexual interest in me (not Holly) and he shows no signs of affection outside of what would be normal for a friendship towards her. He has stated that he has no problems with the fact that I am not with just him, and so far, no behaviours have shown him to be lying about it, but I still have concerns.

Any advice for me out there?

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 10/3/2005 4:12:29 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

I'm bumping this up (and sorry, but I haven't read all the posts, so forgive me if this has been brought up before) to bring up a different spin on the topic - and I couldn't find the topic that I really wanted to put this in ... sorry.

A poly Female with a non-poly male. Our new boy, so far, has shown himself to be quite monogamous. He only has sexual interest in me (not Holly) and he shows no signs of affection outside of what would be normal for a friendship towards her. He has stated that he has no problems with the fact that I am not with just him, and so far, no behaviours have shown him to be lying about it, but I still have concerns.

Any advice for me out there?

Relax and enjoy.

I understand your concerns. My boyfriend shows all signs of being monogamous as well. He plays with other women kink-wise, we've had talked and I know he enjoys having the OPTION to be with other women, he's occasionally done lightly sexual things with other women when I was there and leading him...but pretty much seems completely content as monogamous towards me.

Another of my partners IS essentially monogamous when it comes to long term relationships, but since he isn't looking at me to be his final life partner, he's content to date and allow our relationship to go where it will.

In both cases I've gone through my worrisome stage of wondering whether they feel shafter or whatever. But they both assure me they are happy, their continued stability in the relationship with me proves that. So I figure just enjoy what works. They both have the option to go with others if/when they want, so the only thing stopping them is themselves. As long as they are happy and our relationship works well, nothing to really be concerned over.

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 10/6/2005 11:57:03 AM

SirSix72

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Greetings,

I have to say that honesty goes a long ways inside of a poly home. to make each feel that they are needed in whatever capacity they are functioning in as well. I always schedule dates with all the girls so that they may all interact with one another therefor bonding with each other. As far as they giving of different tokens to the other's seems a bit childish to me.

Master Six

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 10/9/2005 8:24:33 PM

amazonlea

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I have said it before and I will say it again... poly folks should not mix with monogamous folks. Someone always gets hurt.

B

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 10/10/2005 7:55:24 AM

ShiftedJewel

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quote:

I have said it before and I will say it again... poly folks should not mix with monogamous folks. Someone always gets hurt.

B

I would bet money that every poly couple here was monogamous at one time... I know my husband was and we "mix" really well. It's kind of like trains and train wrecks, you only hear about the wrecks, you never hear about the ones that get to where they are going with no incidents but you have to know that it happens. Getting on a plane isn't a death sentence just because all you hear about is the ones that fall outta the sky and poly families mix with monogamous people all the time and no one gets hurt.

Jewel

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 10/10/2005 2:48:36 PM

amazonlea

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I see your point, Shifted Jewel...

But there are some folks like me who thought - "YEAH!!! This will work! Finally I don't have to be monogamous and pretend like I am not missing something or looking for something else or having to hide my alternate friends or never let anyone get too close because I don't want to commit to just one person....'

And then there are folks who are like - 'NO WAY!! I am not gonna share. I just can't imagine that. I need to be the one and only...... '

I think most people know what they are capable of at any given point in time. Some folks are poly and some folks aren't. If two people enter into a relationship thinking they are gonna convert the other, it is only gonna lead to hurt feelings. If two people enter into the relationship honestly exploring and open, that has possibilities.

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 10/10/2005 5:37:29 PM

MistressGrace07

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I guess it's hard for Me because it's easy to say "well duh.. that won't work", but all of us know that loving someone makes things dicey. It's like people of two different religions (who are both passionate about their faith) falling in love.... it's going to be a battle. And a poly person and non-poly person is going to be a battle. Because poly (and non-poly) is just who you are.

My needsa is non-poly and W/we've been on a roller coaster about My polyism since I can remember. Yet, W/we're still together because W/we both care deeply for each other......

so there is no easy answer.

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 10/13/2005 7:01:11 AM

candigirlll

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to start with when a man keeps you and the other girls seprate from each other there is something going on... there is a reason he does not all want you together.. he does not want you to compare notes... second.. i really dont mean to sound like a bitch... but... what was you thinking??? did you think he would *change* you brought your own heartache upon yourself and like you said he is poly.. he has other girls... why do you think you deserve more time with him than other girls do?

quote:

ORIGINAL: candyissweet

I am a non-poly female, I am involded with a male who is poly. I care deeply for him. We have been together for over 2 years going on 3 years. I at times find myself very upset that he takes time with the other girls.

Now, I wear something of his 24/7/365 the other girls have no clue. I also have rules i live by. As far as i know the other girls do not know of this nor do they wear anything that belongs to him. I am required to show myself every week to him in person.

How do i control these feeling of pain that happens when i know he is with another? We had a date Tuesday He canceled for family reasons. He then offered me Weds and then assummed as i had not answered in a timely manner that I did not want it so gave it to one of the others. I am extremely hurt he would do such.

I have been telling him how hurt i am by this in the reports to him. I feel like i have failed here some place. This is not the first mix up we have had lately. We have had ALLOT of them.

Thank you for listening. I guess I just needed to vent. As I am ready to walk away, as i feel like he is not listening to me, He hears me but is not listening to the words. Maybe I am not speaking clearly... or in a manner he can not understand me.

Bye,
Candy

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 10/13/2005 7:06:46 AM

candigirlll

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Master six that is so right on... that is what i keep saying to these girls.. if a Man tells you .. you have 4 sisters but never lets you meet them and does not want you to get to know them... there is something up.. because it is just as important that the females love and respect each other.. as they love and respect their Master

makayla

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RE: Non-poly woman w/poly man - 10/13/2005 9:20:18 AM

target

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I have to agree that this man is not poly. He has individual relationships that never meet. I wonder how he would take it if you had the same freedom?

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