darksparkle
Posts: 48
Joined: 1/22/2005
Status: offline
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I'm thankful to those that have replied to my plea thus far.. I'm going to try and address each reply in part so when reading please understand the qouted parts are only a part of the posters whole text.
quote:
AlphaGeek:
If he proceeds under these conditions, it'll blow up, probably sooner than later.
If she's your friend, be there for her and help her find the courage to walk when the time comes.
AlphaGeek,
Yes, I agree that if he continues on with his less than honorable ways it will be like the train wreck in slow motion that I had correlated it to.
I only hope I can hold out that long if and when that day does come.
quote:
ShiftedJewel:
...This is emotional and physical abuse, plain and simple... he is just using his so called "master" status as a way to justify it. It happens all the time. That is NOT what this lifestyle is about....
...My advice... be there for your friend, she really needs you now. And when you get the opportunity, suggest a shelter for abused women and counseling. She has to understand that what she is going through is NOT right, it is NOT ok for him to lie to her and treat her that way.
ShiftedJewel,
I whole heatedly agree with you from my perspective this is emotional and physical abuse. From her perspective he treats her better than any man ever has in her entire life. Yes, she came from a dysfunctional family and also had been in other abusive relationships... Nonetheless he treats her the best that she has experienced. When she tells me of his ways I point out that IMO it is abuse. Days later she comes back to me telling me it was her mistake, it's her fault because she is holding on to a vanilla woman's/wife's way of thinking and how she must dismiss that way of thinking...
From day one this relationship of hers seemed to me like the worlds worst roller coaster ride ever. I tried to logically point things out to her. I tried not to take sides by pointing out only the facts she had given me. Later, after things have calmed down a bit she tells me he loves her, she loves him and overall there are more good times than bad.
I'm sort of the mellow go with the flow type and enjoy a relationship that is balanced and respect is given by both involved. I doubt she has even known this feeling so has no gauge to measure a healthy relationship by.
quote:
FangsNfeet:
If she dosen't like it, she knows what she needs to do. It sounds like she just wants to vent.
What really matters is how much of her shit you plan on listening to. I've delt with ppl in various situations. After giving adivce and alternatives about the situation I wouldn't let them talk about the problem again.
FangsNfeet,
Yes, I am her sounding board... And maybe I should draw the line at some point when it comes to her telling me her troubles...
quote:
stormsfate:
does he expect her to participate in his other relationships? If not, she will be able to be monogamous and he can be poly. Whether or not she can reconcile this is something else, but she may want to look at it in the sense that she has strong feelings on monogamy and he has strong feelings on poly...does she really want to make him conform to her ideals? Its unfortunate that the situation turned into this, but these things do happen...circumstances change...limits change, etc.
stormsfate,
Yes, she was straight when they met. But eventually his desires for her to be Bi seemed agreeable to her... So she will be participating. Let me point out they both seemly had the same ideals in the beginning when it came to monogamy. It is he that is making her conform & she knows this will cause her hurt but it will make him happy to be poly.
quote:
MadameDahlia:
I'd have a very long talk with her... Armed with information about emotional abuse. I'd try to make her see reason, showing her that he's an abusive asshole. He isn't the person she's trying to create in her head. He's not her knight in armor. Things will get worse. Things may and probably will end horribly. I'd ask why he'd always threaten to leave if he didn't get his way. I'd ask why she'd cave in on something that was as important to her as a monogamous relationship. I'd ask her to consider how he'd gone back on his word regarding the poly vs. monogamy issue.
MadameDahlia,
I've done all that and she at some point briefly saw the inconsistencies of his behavior... Again, she always reverts back to how much in love they are and how he has treated her better than any man she has ever been in a relationship with.
quote:
Akinta:
She needs to know that she can move past this.
Unless this is, quite honestly, something she enjoys. That has always been my method of thinking on these kinds of issues. "Do you enjoy having this happen?" "No.." "Leave him, then. It's not what you wanted expected, or asked for." If I were able, I'd help them more.
Akinta,
It's not that she enjoys it but the fact that she loves him, she tells me the good times out shine the bad and he treats her better than any man she has even been in a relationship with.
quote:
plantlady64:
I can only speak from how I personally feel, so take that to heart when you read what I have to say. It's no reflection on you, but rather what I feel about what you ask.
If I was a true real friend to someone and their love was treating them like you've voiced he treats your friend, I would definately get involved and stay that way. I would not be pushy, but would rather point out the infractions of trust, compassion, and truth to her continually as they arise. I would ask her questions like, Do you like how he makes you feel?, Do you trust him to tell you the truth? Do you think he's leading you in your best interest? Do you feel he's compassionate towards you?, Are you finding this relationship fulfills your needs? And Is this how you want to feel the rest of your life?.
I think it's high time you point out to her how much her own life is being squashed by him continually in the form of an intervention letter. If she chooses to not be your friend due to your letter offending her than at least you know you loved her and respected her emotional health &happiness enough to try.
plantlady64,
I have done all that many times.... Sometimes she understands, most times she glosses it over at a later time and takes back what she had told me about how she feels, then tells me it was her mistake in feeling hurt.
quote:
stormsfate:
Whatever her reasons for not leaving or for accepting the situation...they are *her* reasons. I feel they should be respected. Has she asked you to help her get out of the situation? Apparently not, as she seems to want to stay in the relationship very much. If you strip things down to the barest facts based on what you've posted...her complaint is not that he abuses her, but rather that he chooses to be involved with more than one person.
In re the "punishment" for questioning him, if you will notice based on the OP, he originally said he would leave. She could have let him walk away at that point. She apparently made the decision that she didn't want him to leave and instead accepted being punished.
stormsfate,
No, she has not asked for help to get her out, only to help her understand how to be a better slave so she does not displease him with her hurt feelings and lack of 100% trust. He physically punishes her, she was not a masochist but for him she is now. After the punishment he also has her prove she really wants to be his by having her do a very humiliating act that was at one time a hard limit. This all relieves her guilt for upsetting him.....
quote:
ShiftedJewel:
An abuser doesn't just get up one morning and decide that today is the day to start being abusive, it's a long process... first you beat them down mentally until they believe that you are right, that they truly are a waste of space and should consider themselves lucky that you put up with them cuz no one else would. From there, it just gets worse.
ShiftedJewel,
I liken it to brainwashing...
quote:
shay:
I have to wonder: in the original post, it mentions being punished but not what that punishment was. If the punishment was leaving, well yes that would hurt greatly, but if He wants poly and she doesnt perhaps that would be for the best. I see no mention of physical abuse. On the flip side, WHY did she get punished for speaking during her "free time"??
Im not trying to be heartess here, but remember there are two sides to every story. darksparkle, have you ever talked to Him? Could this be a case of THEY agreed to poly until the wedding band went on, then she decided she didn't want it?
shay,
He physically punishes her & afterwards has her do something humiliating to prove herself worthy of him.
I believe she agreed to be Bi for his pleasure but not poly prior to marriage.
As far as free time, it seems she can voice her opinion at that time but he later holds whatever she has tried to convey against her. He tells her it is her fault for feeling this way because he sees she does not trust him 100%
In reading your replies and trying to answer them I am already gaining a better perspective on this matter.... Once again, thank you for taking the time out to give your viewpoints for they all have made me see things more clearly.
IMHO his ways are mentally, physically and emotionally abusive based upon what she has told me over the course of the past year.
Unfortunately it is she that needs to decide this for herself. Hopefully either things will change for the better for her if not, I hope she will see the writing on the wall.
Sorry, typo edits...
< Message edited by darksparkle -- 6/29/2005 10:53:39 AM >
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He reaches down & his fingers caress my cheek. Lifting my chin, his intense gaze holds me as he tells me to dance in the way that we choose to live. "Dance for me, my little sparkle, dance to the beat of a different drummer."....
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Please help me. - 
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