RE: Replaced and Released. (Full Version)

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zaynab -> RE: Replaced and Released. (8/29/2005 3:46:23 PM)

hmm... Do Dom's go through a "honeymoon phase" when they get a new sub added to the household?

If I was living in a poly family and a new sub was added... I think I would be understanding if he was more attentive to the newbie... after all, they would be building their relationship kinda, when I already had my relationship intact with him. I think I would distract myself from this, by focusing on a goal of mine for awhile.... to give them some space.

When the heat began to cool just a bit, I'd assume they would notice I was there and would invite me to join them. After all, the Dom and the newbie both realized the situation was poly when they decided she would join the household, so obviously they are interested in that.

I wonder why this Dom gave up his desire to have a poly family? Was it because this one sub was all he believed he needed or wanted? I wonder how long he ends up staying with this one sub.

I automatically assumed that a Poly Dom was always interested in being a Poly Dom. Sheesh, how niave of me.



KnightofMists -> RE: Replaced and Released. (8/29/2005 11:55:01 PM)

I am somewhat surprized by the sudden negative judgements of this Dominant. No really knows the person or even all the circumstances that led to his eventual choice to end his relationship with evilvix. It is not uncommon for submissives to enter into poly relationships only to turn away from poly-relationships and I think it is hardly surprizing that Dominants do the same. I am struck by the double standard that seems to exist. When a submissive (especially female) leaves a poly-relationship, it is simple viewed as not being right for the person, A learning experience etc. But, yet a Dominant decides to end such a relationship and take a different path.. well he is feeding BS or looking for green pastures, man lacks honor and the list goes on. The truth is we don't know the circumstances and it is rather foolish to be judgemental of the person.

evilvix to your credit you didn't try to paint him as anything but someone cared for and respected. You didn't appear to me trying to color the Dominant in a negative light, but obviously many choose to preceive it that way. Sometimes relationships just are not meant to be. Sometimes as one walks the path of self-discovery we become aware of needs that was unknown to us. Could you of done better... mmm well if you could of done better then that automatically means you done something wrong. I don't think that question is the right question. Could you have done something Different? Maybe and maybe he could as well. Relationships start and end rather frequently. Even with the so called "vanilla' world... relationship end 50% of the time. This of course is only considering the traditional marriage relationships. This says nothing of the countless courtships and other types of relationships that end. How many relationships do you know that has lasted beyond 5 years or 10 or 15 or even 20 years. They are there but as the number of years increases the number relationships that meet that number decreases. I wonder just how many relationships these individuals went thru before they reached this long time relationship in the first place.

Relationships are a difficult to succeed at even if it is not of a dysfunctional nature. Very sane and with it people end relationships, they move on... they learn. For me, Self-awareness is a big foundation block in achieving a long-term relationship. Self-awareness increases our odds of making the right partner choice. But sometimes this learning can only be done within a relationship and somtimes this learning will result in the end of the relationship. I don't think it beneficial for you to dwell on whose fault the ending of the relationship rests with. I think it wiser for you to consider what you learned from the experience. More specifically, what you learned about yourself.. your needs and wants within a relationships. Apply what you have learned towards you next choice of relationship. Hopefully, the next choice will bring more.




lovingmaster45 -> RE: Replaced and Released. (8/30/2005 4:30:35 AM)

quote:

I think what seperates those of us who are polyamorous from those who like a little extra on the side from time to time is our capacity to maintain multiple long-term relationships. I don't think it is uncommon to find out that one isn't capable of as much as previously envisioned. I found out relatively late in life that I just can't be happy AND monogamous. I always thought I just needed to find the "one" and I would be able to remain happily faithful to her. Eventually I realized I needed to be free to have multiple partners.
It's my opinion that many go through such periods of self-discovery. It's not difficult for me to envision someone discovering that he lacks the emotional capacity to maintain relationships with multiple submissives/slaves, regardless of his desire to do so. It is, however, very unfortunate when those epiphanies come at the expense of others with emotional stakes in a relationship.
I wish you well in your endeavors and I will mirror others' responses in assuring you that, for some, multiple long-term relationships are very much the norm. If a poly situation is what you seek, you'll most likely find numerous opportunities.
Timothy


Very well said. I have been at this a very long time so there are more than a few former subs who have been a part of the family; then moved on. All are still very good friends and some of the ones who opted for a vanilla marriage still come back for their "fix" as they call it. A truly loving poly environment does not leave people with such deep wounds.

Two years ago I found out I had cancer and had to find a place for 7 girls. Four decided that they did not want to enter another bdsm relationship; but would remain as friends (non-play). I found Masters (all eventually married them) and we are all still very close. It was like they just added friends to the family reunion.

I have never understood how someone who is truly poly can leave someone like you without a safety net or any kind of support system.

Good luck. Time will heal you.



DrMaster -> RE: Replaced and Released. (8/31/2005 7:44:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: leatherhalo

The man lacks honour.




LadiesBladewing -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/1/2005 11:27:28 AM)

I'll be honest...in the case of the gentleman (and I use the term as loosely as it can possibly be used) in question, I don't see someone who is polyfidelitous...I see a serial monogamist.

It isn't you. We've had similar difficulties on our journey. There is a place for you, and a gathering/collective/family for you...Now is, apparently, "you" time...the time that the Universe gives us to become fully aware of who and what we are, and to get "sturdy" in that, so that we make a strong, healthy, secure spoke in the wheel of polyfideletous life.

Lady Zephyr



KnightRaven -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/1/2005 11:31:55 AM)

It's unfortunate that you had to go through this. Every event is a learning experience but some are decidedly less pleasant than others. I agree with much that has been said already. My only advice to you is to do some soul searching to find out if Poky is what is right for you and if it is, what you need out of it. Then you can find someone with the same, or similar, ideals and try again. As something I have learned about relationships is that you have to play the numbers and never compromise so much that you lose track of what the relationship was initially supposed to be. It's all trial and error until we can find that right dynamic, and then it's hard work.

Good luck



evilvix -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/2/2005 10:38:36 AM)

He was anything but a bad guy. In fact, He was one of the most amazing individuals I've ever had the fortune of knowing. I do treasure the memories we've had. :)
My roommate Gloria had talked to him on a few occassions, and also found him quite charming. *giggle* When the other girl found out about this, she thought He was 'on the prowl' and was upset. I laughed and said Gloria would make a horrid sub! They simply joked around together.
But when she found out that He had 'dumped' me, oh, suddenly He was a nasty old man in Gloria's eyes. She was angry that I'd been hurt, I suppose. I still talk to Him, certainly not as often as before.. but that's just because I do admire Him, I do respect Him, and I do consider Him to be a good friend and confidant.
No I don't like what He did. I don't particularly like what He's become now. But as long as He's happy, I suppose. [:)]



LadiesBladewing -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/2/2005 12:02:37 PM)

This will teach me to skip sections of earlier conversations. The pattern still seems to me to be one of serial monogamy, but if you still find this man to be someone with dignity in your eyes, there must be more to this that doesn't come across well on the message-board medium, and I will have to trust your judgement, since none of us here can know the person in question.

I sincerely hope that he has found what he was looking for with the lady that he is with, and that neither of them must face the turmoil of shifting relationship sands.

In the same way, someone who is as incredibly positive and self-aware as you will certainly find the right relationship, or there is simply no justice in the Universe (and every experience of my life makes it impossible to believe that there is no Justice...)

Thank you.

Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: evilvix

He was anything but a bad guy. In fact, He was one of the most amazing individuals I've ever had the fortune of knowing. I do treasure the memories we've had. :)
My roommate Gloria had talked to him on a few occassions, and also found him quite charming. *giggle* When the other girl found out about this, she thought He was 'on the prowl' and was upset. I laughed and said Gloria would make a horrid sub! They simply joked around together.
But when she found out that He had 'dumped' me, oh, suddenly He was a nasty old man in Gloria's eyes. She was angry that I'd been hurt, I suppose. I still talk to Him, certainly not as often as before.. but that's just because I do admire Him, I do respect Him, and I do consider Him to be a good friend and confidant.
No I don't like what He did. I don't particularly like what He's become now. But as long as He's happy, I suppose. [:)]




dognkitten9215 -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/8/2005 8:43:23 PM)

Shakes His head. Communition, communition, communition. I think this should have been talked about before he allowed it to get to this point, and I feel for you. he lied to you and took you for a ride, and one that I may add did not seem to be a pleasent one.

Blessings to you, and good luck.

Lord Darkstorm (a.k.a. Dog)



Raphael -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/8/2005 9:27:57 PM)

I'm believing that.

Never blame on malice what ignorance can explain.

You said you and her never really got to know each other. I think that's the key bit to understand here. You two had to become close for this to become a stable triad. You didn't.

Who's fault is that? I'm guessing all involved, but as the leader it was his responsibility so he has to bear the brunt of it I'm afraid. I think he should have gotten creative and come up with ways to put you two together and try and make sure you bonded. It sounds like he made no attempt to do that whatsoever, right?

So either he didn't want a triad at all, he just wanted her, all along... or he simply didn't understand what he was doing and just dropped the ball. I'm guessing the latter, since you are so certain he's a great guy...

>R



KnightofMists -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/9/2005 4:11:28 AM)

no person can "make" any two people BOND..... A person can only give an opporunity and an environment for it's possibility. The bonding is up to the two people in quesiton. It will happen or not because of their nature and not because a third person wills it!



buffiyum -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/9/2005 8:38:56 AM)

vix,
i so agree with DomTimothy when He writes that it is sad when P/people learn things about T/themselves, at the expense of O/others. i find that especially true within the Lifestyle. In this Lifestyle i think the bonds that W/we forge or try to forge, are deeper because mostely (!!), i believe W/we are more transparent and honeste and the level of trust generally goes deeper than many vanilla relationships because of the things that often transpire between F/folks within the Life such as restraints, and gags and 'play' times or the opening of your soul to Him without holding back (which i do think is rare in vanilla but buffy could be wrong on that).
Whether you went to Him in r/l from the west coast, or if it was an online relationship, the bond was forged at leaste on your part.
i would question if it was from His end, given what apparently occurred.
He sounds like a very shallow person who lacks honesty for not being straight with you when things changed within Him and for Him, courage for the same reason, and Honoure for He did not end this well or hold up His end of the Leash at all well. On the other hand, you say that you still respect Him so maybe there is more to Him than it appears on here in the earlier threads. It could be that you have had time to get past that initial hurt. i do not know.
In any case, you are not alone luv in what you went through. i have come across One like that in my search also vix. The pain that They give in what They did can leave marks upon the heart which only time and better experiences will heal. Someone once said, "time heals all wounds" or something like that and buffy does believe that.
And also give yourself a break in this too k? you did nothing wrong that buffy can see. It is NOT you k? you wrote that you wonder if there was anything you could have done to change what happened. Well, it maybe seems that if you could say 'well if only i did not do this or if only i did that, then things would have turned out differently'. W/we all do that at times evilvix because if we can think the probleme was us then the solution is also ours to find and therefore 'fix', but it is not always so. Many times things are not within our 'controle' so-to-speak, especially when those things relate to O/others. Sometimes we just have to let the situation go. Sometimes we just have to learn from it and move on (easier said than done at times i know).
i wish you well and if ever you wish to chat just let this one know k?
buffiyum



evilvix -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/9/2005 11:58:47 AM)

It's true that she and I never did 'bond.' We had talked, we had played, yadda yadda, but, ultimately I found that I was not able to know her beyond the surface. Whether it be she didn't interest me, we didn't trust each other, or whatever.. I cannot say who's at fault. No one really. I did tell Him of this, of course. We two did not 'click.' He said that she does worry about me and wants the best for me, to which I replied was only because He cared for me, and if I were in trouble, He would be affected, and it is for that reason alone that she cares. He concurred that I was likely right. But that was long ago.

I can only hope that she really is all that He desires. Because words cannot describe the depths to which I'd gone in order to please this man, and how far I'd be willing to go. But it wasn't enough.

-vix



MasterLawrence -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/14/2005 9:44:38 AM)

evilVix,
Very touching story. It is not the outcome that was good for you.
But even the smartest people make mistakes much more than they are willing to accept.
Maybe he realized he could not handle the both of you, and he picked his favorite
rather than who was more loyal.
He flirted found two, could not manage two, dumped on, and flirted again.
Does anyone see this as a common pattern?



WayHome -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/15/2005 10:34:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: evilvix

I don't think it was her intention to be rid of me. The two of us had never really spoken much beyond, "Hi how are you today?" and while I had tried to get to know her for our Master's sake, it simply did not happen. So I cannot say where she stands at all.



This sort of poly does not apeal to me and seems to be the most probematic. The kind where one "tollerates" another without having any connection or commitment. I would never welcome into my life a lover or sub who didn't also add to the life and love of my wife. We've had experiences in the past where someone a girl seemed like fun but when we got to it we learned she was really only interested in one or the other of us leaving the other as merely tollerated. We never had repeat encounters with them. It's ok if one member is prefered over another, but all must share at least some sort of mutual affection. Otherwise intentional or not, a girl cannot help but to insinuate herself between the others to one degree or another.


Leto



hawk58 -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/27/2005 9:24:41 AM)

If it looks like BS and smells like BS , chances are, it probably is BS.

How common is it? I really couldnt say. Probably just as common as the girls who say they are poly, come into the house, and then try to rid & replace my 1st girl from the house.

Me, I can and do deinitley find the thought of another joining us, on a perm basis appealing. I can cetainly care for more than one, as can dove.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/27/2005 9:30:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: hawk58
How common is it? I really couldnt say. Probably just as common as the girls who say they are poly, come into the house, and then try to rid & replace my 1st girl from the house.

See that kind of attitude is NOT going to be attractive to a possible new person in your relationship, in fact it's quite detracting.

After all, you let them in your house, and probably at some point into your bed and told them sweet lovely things and worked to make it successful. What's to prevent this fate from happening to the next girl? Ex-bashing is never a good sign.



miraclewhipit -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/27/2005 6:14:54 PM)

Poky? Proofread before posting.



bounty4444 -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/27/2005 6:58:44 PM)

something i cant help but sharing: "a relationship is not about finding peace by being with another human being. it is about making a commitment to maintain contact and not run away when your partner is a mirror for the hardness in your heart."



hawk58 -> RE: Replaced and Released. (9/30/2005 8:21:01 AM)


quote:

"See that kind of attitude is NOT going to be attractive to a possible new person in your relationship, in fact it's quite detracting."


Agreed. You are correct. But, i wasn't bashing one ex. Infact, I have seen in several instances, where this unfortunately occurs. Even before the 2nd is brought into the house. Thats why taking one's time, getting to know each other, and each others expectations and needs is so important.

quote:

After all, you let them in your house, and probably at some point into your bed and told them sweet lovely things and worked to make it successful. What's to prevent this fate from happening to the next girl? Ex-bashing is never a good sign.


Agreed, I was simply, from my own perspective trying to answer the question that was posed, and show that Doms are not the only ones who flake out in a polyrelationship. All parties have acountability in whether or not a relationship works or fails. Be they Dominant or submissive.

Be well.



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