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When one partner isn't poly

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> When one partner isn't poly

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When one partner isn't poly - 3/17/2005 5:59:44 PM

strikingpeach

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline

My Dom is poly. I am his primary relationship and he desires other secondary relationships. While I can understand his want/need to play with others, I am having a harder time understanding the need to have intimate, personal relationships with other women. I don't need that for myself, so it is hard to understand why he does. Anyone else out there not poly, but in a poly relationship?

peach

Post #: 1

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/17/2005 6:30:53 PM

tamtam

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Hello strikingpeach

Well I understand much more than you realize...My Master is searching fro an playmate also...you just have to trust him and respect his decisions...and remember you are his sub and that makes you number one...in time you will understand and hopefully respect it

tamtam

be well

(in reply to strikingpeach)

Post #: 2

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/17/2005 6:53:22 PM

magick1

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/4/2005
Status: offline

yes, i for one do not need others, but he does. how do you handle it?

(in reply to strikingpeach)

Post #: 3

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/17/2005 7:14:09 PM

tamtam

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Well hello again...well im not quite sure of the right answer...i must say yes it is very hard and i have had many tears over this..especially when he first asked me to find an playmate...i was quite upset about the whole deal...and i just talked to him and told him my concerns that i was alittle scared and jealous...but he reassured me that they were just toys and nothing could ever replace me..i just him fully and would do mostly anythings he ask..he knows my limits and does respect them and i also...so there is no easy answer just communicate with your Master and tell him your true feelings...he will understand and will help you at least try to cope

good luck...have some faith in him

(in reply to strikingpeach)

Post #: 4

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/17/2005 7:19:19 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Go read The Ethical Slut.

And be honest honest honest about everything you're feeling with your dom.

(in reply to strikingpeach)

Post #: 5

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/17/2005 7:33:56 PM

magick1

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/4/2005
Status: offline

but what about when he palys on his own? how do you handle that? magick1

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 6

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/17/2005 7:38:10 PM

tamtam

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

well thats an tough one..but i do know the feeling..have you spoke to him on how it makes you feel...you could always ask him why....just be very honest

tamtam

(in reply to magick1)

Post #: 7

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/17/2005 8:24:17 PM

teachmetobeg

Posts: 43
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline

i entered a poly relationship as a secondary/play partner. While i am not generally Poly, i understand Sir's need. It does not come from His lack of love/care for Miss Grace, but rather He gets different things out of His relationships with different women.
i quickly formed a bond with Sir, some thing that i have rarely done in my life. If not for that, i think perhaps i would be put off at the idea of Him with some one else. Would i like Him with me instead of Miss Grace? Of Course! (And i am quite sure she would much rather be with Him, instead of knowing i am there)
W/e have all tried to make the situation as comfortable as it can get. i have met both of them and like them each for very different reasons. Communication is always encouraged.
That said, i will say some thing my mom always told me, "If you truly love someone, you're going to want to see them happy, even if it makes you uncomfortable." i have learned that having some one i love being happy is a much greater reward than getting what i desire. While i wish i were able to be with Sir at night, i take comfort knowing Miss Grace is there with Him.
it is not an easy situation to deal with. my recomendation is to talk to your Dom and discuss why he feels he needs more girls, what can make you more comfortable with the situation, and how to reach a level of agreement. If your better understand where He is coming from, you may be able to overcome the initial discomfort.

_____________________________

There's nothing in a catepillar telling you its going to be a butterfly

(in reply to tamtam)

Post #: 8

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/17/2005 8:50:37 PM

sexysubbunny

Posts: 144
Status: offline

Wow, the icing on the cake! yes, i was involved in a 3 way poly for 5 months, but i left my Master recently, the jealousy of the other sub/alpha was to much for me to bear! i got pushed away! i tried it.. it was extremely hard! i love tis man very deeply and we have a very strong and sensual relationship! its still there and its being decided wheather to try it again! i have made my mistakes along the way with demands, being impatient when i should have been calm and relaxed! i had everything with this Master! i hope he will forgive me for my shortcomings, but he needs to see that being in a 3 way has troubles that can brew! Jealousy is a very strong one and it can drive one way. or both away! i feel the loss of my Master and i know he is missing me deeply as he never wanted to lose me! i blew up one night and told him i needed more of his support and guidance and punishments! its been a long and stressful "game" on all of us! One wants to remain the one and only one in his life! i at times got envious of the status and postion only! and it became unbearable and i walked away from him and told him i needed more from him! but now time will tell if he will guve US another chance, i have finally learned my lesson on this and have come to the realiziation that i must be patient for him, space and time apart is a good! not to let the other one stand in the way of what he and i shared so real and perfect!
i hurt very deeply over this and i dont have anymore advice to give you, but certainly be prepared to deal with Lots and Lots of jealousy and games of the one who feel threatened by the new one coming in!
i hope this helped in some way!
and i want to say thanks to everyone who has posted feelings and comments on this site.....it is certainly helping me deal with what i experiencing in my life!
I want my Master back and i do believe in my heart he will be back soon!
we both know what we had together!
it was beautiful !!

thanks

bunny

(in reply to strikingpeach)

Post #: 9

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/17/2005 10:09:57 PM

Chilli

Posts: 42
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

I had the experience of being the number two part time subbie to the Man who introduced me to D/s, who I adored and still do! I was never happy being number two, but grew to care about his partner very much anyway which minimised the issue. Happily for me, I fell in love with someone of my very own, so it ceased to be a problem anyway.

Frankly, it can suck though.

(in reply to sexysubbunny)

Post #: 10

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/18/2005 3:25:28 AM

smilezz

Posts: 489
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline

Good morning strikingpeach....i know exactly what you are going through. I am monogamous to Thorns...He is non-monogamous/poly and you know what? It's OK! It seemed to take me forever to wrap my head around this...through much re-search and my own general frustration in trying to get answers, i finally found a site that helped me find my peace and know that i am what i am. Thorns and i have a solid foundation with each other and are the core to this relationship...no matter who His outside interests may be....the foundation that is set in place is not going to change. When you come to that realization...the freedom you feel will set it all in place.

Read the information on the link, i hope it gives you a bit more comfort..then talktalktalk with the person in your life...have Him/Her know that you will be asking alot of these questions...sometimes over and over again.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvmonopoly.html

I wish you much peace....

Happy Friday y'all!!

~smilezz~

< Message edited by smilezz -- 3/18/2005 3:39:25 AM >

_____________________________

"Please excuse my Sense of Justice...it's the only thing that saves You from the Slaughter"

"What you cannot enforce, do not command - Sophocles"

(in reply to strikingpeach)

Post #: 11

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/18/2005 7:26:23 AM

sexysubbunny

Posts: 144
Status: offline

hello Chilli;
thanks for your comment! its been 11 days now and just silence from Master, but i believe in a matter of time, i will hear from him with a decision, i was the one to leave him and walk away, due to the issues of this jealousy and competition on her part! the games got to be too much and i was pushed to my limits! Now i set her in silence and distance, wondering if there is another chance for him and i! i do believe if there is, that i have learned enogh to truly try to work this with the other alpha and hope she will to. To learn to respect and get closer to her as my sister! i know we can, but she must also let down her anamosity towards me in us all knowing where we stand with our Master and what our rolse are as they are now! this really sucks, the silence and the not knowing what is going on..but its his way of training me and punishing me for my outburst last week to him! its not over yet, too many things are still there, he is still in my journal site reading my entreis, he has many things of mine,my house key, a book, my personal things down in his playroom of mine, i have tons of moving boxes of his here at my home, his shirt, the collar he asked me to remove!. he has not deleted my profile or pics on his AFF site.. he has only hid it.. if it was over, totally over, all of these things i just mentioned would be given back to each other, but theyhavent! he has opened a ecard i sent to him from last week and read it.! just too many things are saying we may have another chance! i truly hope and pray we do.. i dont want to lose him and i know he doesn't want to lose me either, a very strong and strict Master i do have, and a very patient one too! i am happy for you that you found your own Master and that you can be his main one!! i think that is very beautiful!
i am searching for that in the long run, but if i may have another chance with this current one, i am up for it.......i love being with him and his erotic ways with me........i am very happy with him!
A 3 way can work, but it takes all 3........to put effort into it and i am asking her to help me on this!
thank you
sub bunny

(in reply to Chilli)

Post #: 12

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/18/2005 7:48:26 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I understand you're wanting this to work out but it's quite a mess you have there.

EACH of you needs to openly sit down with the other, EACH of you needs to own up to how you feel, why you feel that way and what it is causing in you and EACH of you needs to make some concrete limits and action plans on how to move forward.

This isn't just a case of letting feelings blow over. This isn't just your master who has to come back and say its ok. For this to really work long term you all have to start working at it and CHANGING how you interact with eachother. Because how you've interacted in the past didn't work and it's not going to suddenly start working.

(in reply to sexysubbunny)

Post #: 13

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/18/2005 8:02:06 AM

stormsfate

Posts: 846
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

but he reassured me that they were just toys and nothing could ever replace me..

Wow! I feel sorry for whomever becomes involved with you guys...unless being a non-entity is their kink. This isn't a slam at you, but I would like to point out that people have feelings, and this is one of the BIG reasons singles are leary of getting involved with couples. What would the "toy" possibly gain from this scenario? I would personally tend to lump this into the "swinging" category versus the "poly" category.

It would hurt me deeply if my owner *didn't* love and care for v. I do...why shouldn't he?

best regards,
fate

_____________________________

Storm1206 - Author of my dark desires...Owner of my soul.

stormsvision - chainsister and partner in crime.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 14

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/19/2005 8:42:41 AM

Gemeni

Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

I'm not poly but have been with others who were when I first started out.

Frankly,it sucked and I quit doing it and them after a couple of years.

What it all boils down to is that some people want multiple partners,and others can't handle that.

If you can't -bail and find one who will make you feel better about being with them.

(in reply to stormsfate)

Post #: 15

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/20/2005 1:40:28 AM

subbella

Posts: 237
Status: offline

Becoming involved in a poly relationship is not for the faint or weak at heart. It requires discipline and a true understanding of what being poly means. Mutual consent and understanding are key in making a poly relationship work. Without them there is only room for heartache and disappointment.

There will always be a primary relationship involved within the poly family. A predatory third or fourth, who enters into an established relationship with the intent of disrupting that primary relationship, topping from the bottom or putting unrealistic expectations or demands on the Master/Mistress will only cause Him/Her to pull away from the new sub in favor of His/Her primary partner.

Trying to change or manipulate a Master/Mistress into believing that the newer sub has something better or different to offer, or showing a lack of consideration for Master/Mistress's time with His/Her primary partner, will leave Him/Her bored, unhappy or frustrated with the new sub.

There are Master/Mistresses out there with enough love to sustain a poly family without making anyone feel they are being left out in the cold. If a new third/fourth addition to a poly family is not happy with their position, it is always an option to walk away.

(in reply to Gemeni)

Post #: 16

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/20/2005 5:30:16 AM

strikingpeach

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline

Thanks for everyone's comments. It is always good to know that we are not alone in our thoughts and feelings. Thanks especially to smilezz for the encouraging words and fantastic web-site. There is a lot of great information there...it was very helpful in letting me see the poly point of view.

peach

(in reply to sexysubbunny)

Post #: 17

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/20/2005 6:20:00 AM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 267
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I am apparently confused. I am certainly not taking a shot at you strikingpeach, I am honestly trying to understand. Your profile states you are bi, so isn't that a contradiction in terms if you aren't open to a poly relationship? Wouldn't there be the possibility of gains for everyone involved, at least from a sexual play point of view? Maybe I am missing the point, but I have to think if play between the subs/slaves was permitted, this could be more of a perk than an obstacle. I do understand the sharing of time concerns, but the "I don't need this" syndrome escapes me. Just a respectful observation.

_____________________________

Scooter.....It's not the destination..it's the journey

(in reply to strikingpeach)

Post #: 18

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/20/2005 7:46:51 AM

smilezz

Posts: 489
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline

I know this was directed to strikingpeach...but being i have some experience in this and it's thought process here is also a different view.

quote:

Your profile states you are bi, so isn't that a contradiction in terms if you aren't open to a poly relationship? Wouldn't there be the possibility of gains for everyone involved, at least from a sexual play point of view? Maybe I am missing the point, but I have to think if play between the subs/slaves was permitted, this could be more of a perk than an obstacle.

Just because one is bi does not mean that one is poly..can be poly..or even open to the idea. It merely means that they like to play sexual or not with that person. I am a bi woman....i have not played with another for some time now...the possibility is still open but that does not make me poly in any way. I don't want the connection in that venue, i don't need that, it's not an interest. I could play with another woman and never see her again.....that does not make me poly.
I do understand on the other hand..it very well could open up a whole new option for that person...if it does...and it works for all involved....great! There are so many possibilites.

Happy Sunday!

~smilezz~

_____________________________

"Please excuse my Sense of Justice...it's the only thing that saves You from the Slaughter"

"What you cannot enforce, do not command - Sophocles"

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 19

RE: When one partner isn't poly - 3/20/2005 3:17:19 PM

velvetvixen

Posts: 351
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline

I agree with you smilezz. I am bi but not poly and have no desire to be in a poly situation. If it would be Master's desire to bring a female toy home, that is one thing, but for Him to have an outside relationship with that person would be beyond my limits.

I always have to add my personal disclaimer that bisexuality does not imply a willingness or desire to have a turn with anyone with genitalia.

(in reply to smilezz)

Post #: 20

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