Voltare
Posts: 467
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lovingmaster45
No amount of "discussion", "sharing of feelings" or any of that other psychobabble crap will work if one or more of the people involved is JEALOUS. That is the most destructive emotion I know of and I eliminate anyone who has the characteristic from my circle of friends. Don't even think about trying to have a close sexual/sensual relationshiip with anyone who has the trait. It will NOT work. I have been poly a VERY long time and know what I am talking ab out. Ignore the advice at your own peril.
I'll never grasp why there is such an uproar over anyone experiencing the feeling of jealousy. Jealousy is a natural emotion, no different then anger, love, or contentment. If jealousy is expressed in an unhealthy way (boiling a pet rabbit, burning down a rivels house) then that is certainly a problem. If I were to make a guess, I would say that 'blind love' or rather 'lust' is the most destructive emotion, with greed as a trait making a closer runner up.
Having said that, a general 'screw it, the relationship won't work' stratagy is obviously a good way to ensure it never works. Refusing to communicate is the first, last, and best method to destroy any relationship. Being 'poly' isn't (in my mind) anything like being 'bisexual' or 'male', as I believe it is not an inherent genetic predisposition one way or the other. A person who believes themself to be poly isn't doomed to spend the rest of their life seeking out multiple partners. Conversely, a person who is monogamous can (if they wish) become comfortable in the right poly situation. The individual mindsets involved are truely too complex to simply slap a bandaid or label on and call it good.
Poly is, like it or not, an important factor in non-traditional relationships. By the 'old rules' it's almost a given that 'of course' there should be only one man and one woman. Even in (from my own experiences) traditional gay relationships, the ideal is considered to be only a bed for two. While the inclusion of more then two, either sexually or romantically is hardly a new concept, the problems associated are usually very difficult to solve - but how is that different from any other relationship? The problems are simply different. The solutions are, remarkably, similar.
Before any relationship I become involved in, I bring the issue up. I explain my feelings, I ask the other person for theirs. There was a time when I truely believed that I would 'need' a partner open to at least extra curricular sexual activities. What I have learned is that in focusing on increasing my opportunities, I was actually not giving enough attention or depth of interest to the relationship at hand. I was so wrapped up in trying to buy all the candies in the store, that I didn't stop to really enjoy the one I could actually afford. This isn't to say I think it's wrong for others to enjoy variety, I don't think either way is 'wrong' - only that I know what is right for me.
Several postings have suggested that a 'good submissive/slave will obey her Master/Dom no matter what, even if it means he/she will suffer in the end. Cuckholding fantasies aside, I think for a romantic situation this is a recipe for disaster. Certainly, a submissive *might* adapt and learn to enjoy the situation, but more likely then not it will end in disaster. Obviously, not everyone who is involved in Ds or Ms lifestyles are doing so with a romantic interest.
Conversely, the opposing attitude that 'if I am going to give my Dominant everything, then I expect he should return in kind' is more then a little self-centered. I don't give everything of myself in a relationship while keeping tally of the amount of effort invested. I don't charge emotional interest like a bank when it isn't received. I give the best I can. The right person gives it back, without negotiating. I make it clear, that if my partner wishes to seek enjoyment or to experiement with others, she should just tell me. I probably will not like it, and if I feel it's too painful to deal with, then I always have the power to end the relationship and move on. If I find I can deal with it, then I do so - because I do believe that love isn't supposed to be jealous. These are, of course, ideals, like ideally we will always be at work on time, we will always brush our teeth twice a day, and we will always love our lovers no matter what. Then reality busts in, with flat tires, running out of toothpastes, and the off chance that our lovers are going to jail for tax-evasion.
For the original poster, the question about your partner being poly or not has nothing to do with you being submissive or not. It has everything to do with if you feel satisfied that your relationship is fulfilling enough, or that you are comfortable enough with your partners choices. If you are, then stick with him and make the best of it. If it's really just more then you can handle, then tell him so. If he refuses to accomodate you, then you can either try to hang in there or get out of the pool. Neither choice makes you a bad submissive, bad woman, or enemy of the state. It makes you human, with a heart to care for and a future to consider. Don't sell either short by accepting less then what you, yourself, would give.
Stephan
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[GEEK] Me [/GEEK]
"There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness" - Nietzsche
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RE: When one partner isn't poly - 
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