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Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 10:49:07 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 2678
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		This question whilst certainly based on personal experience is more of a curiosity survey (Y’all know how curious us Grizzlies are).

How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?


My personal experience is that it is relatively easy to meet people in the scene at one of the clubs or a larger gathering generally. However to meet someone who meets my criteria is a lot more difficult. E.G., I look for a bi female slave who id Gorean interested and who will accept a poly relationship. Now statistically (or so it appears without a complete senses), I’d hazard a guess that of all the local submissive lasses, there are probably only 10% who identify as slaves. Of the slave group probably less that 10% are not already in a collar. Of this group of uncollared slaves, possibly 10% relate to Gor and even less of those will happily be both bisexual and wish to join a poly home.

Thus it is a numbers game and I guess that somewhere along the search and waiting one starts to question if it worth while trying or if it gives less heart break to stand aside and accept that things wont happen. Perhaps we all have to face this question and possibly each of us will deal with this differently. This is something I’ve been discussing with a couple of people recently who asked for my advise and counseling. It would be a pity to see them retire and yet I can understand their situation and inner conflict (I face this myself). Thus my questions are:


  • How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?

  • How do you deal with the problem of not finding someone suitable after looking for some time?


_____________________________

Be Well
Iron Bear

Master of House Iron Bear


Yes, I am a Master, but not your Master..........


The Incorrigible, irrepressible, irreverent grizzly


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 10:59:00 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?

It was harder in NJ.

In MD/DC I've been pretty darn successful. We've got probably one of the top 3 scenes in the whole country, and as a female I'm pretty desired.

quote:


  • How do you deal with the problem of not finding someone suitable after looking for some time?

    • I don't find it a problem unless a person feels a need to be committed.


    _____________________________

    Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 2
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 11:29:52 AM   
    RavenMuse


    Posts: 681
    Joined: 1/23/2006
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: IronBear

    • How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?

    • How do you deal with the problem of not finding someone suitable after looking for some time?



    First off, I am not the best person to ask. This is the first time I've looked with a view to prioritising the D/s relationship. I've simply always attracted women who where BDSM bottoms and/or had submissive tendencys. Primaraly because I've always, till this time, lived in places where there wasn't much of a scene (And I am a relitive newcommer to the net. I was only just getting online last time I was single, ten years ago)

    Knowing that it is a numbers game I've always compromised.... ended up with mostly vanilla relationship outside the bedroom, mostly D/s within it.... at least with the Three primary partners I've had these last 20 odd years.

    Secondary relationships and play dates cropped up just through meeting the right lass and being in the right conversation/ recognising a comment or look and asking further. These have been where my main D/s experiences have been. But I've never specificaly been looking for them when they happened, just open to the possibility (I'm Poly and if it is open, honest and no cheating required on either side then possibilitys can be explored.)

    This time finding myself single again, being in a place where I know there is a large scene and being more internet saavy, I have the option of specificaly looking for a D/s relationship rather than having to make that uncomfortable compromise.

    I've not been looking for long yet. I thought it would take a long time (Because of limiting the numbers) so I looked up a site that seemed good and had an active forum and started that side whilst I finished sorting moving into my new flat.... The plan was to get activly looking in the R/L scene once I moved, as it was more likely I'd meet someone suitable there rather than here.

    Well that was the plan.....there is a good possibility things won't quite go according to that plan, depends on where things go with a certain young lady I met on here a week or so ago, but I am certainly NOT complaining

    So I guess my answer to your first question. Here in London, even though I am a very fussy old coot as to what I am looking for..... maybe not very difficult at all.

    If it doesn't go the way I'm hoping, then at some point in the future ask me about that second question old friend, because at the moment I don't have an answer, never been in that situation

    _____________________________

    This above all: to thine own self be true,
    And it must follow, as the night the day,
    Thou canst not then be false to any man.

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 3
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 12:36:40 PM   
    FTopinMichigan


    Posts: 571
    Joined: 7/5/2004
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: IronBear


    • How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?


    We have a very large BDSM community (with several public party venues, private parties, and more munch groups than I can count) in the metro Detroit area, so while "playmates" are a dime a dozen, the pickins are slim when it comes to quality gentlemen for a relationship that extends behind the dungeon floor.

    quote:

    ORIGINAL: IronBear
  • How do you deal with the problem of not finding someone suitable after looking for some time?



    • I enjoy a few playmates to satisfy my sadistic desires, and then date "vanilla" to enjoy gentleman in social settings. When the two shall meet is surely the question, but I always hold out hope that a gentleman masochist exists, that can care about me for more than just what I can do "to" him.

    K

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 4
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 12:43:45 PM   
    Real0ne


    Posts: 401
    Joined: 10/25/2004
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: IronBear

    • How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?

    • How do you deal with the problem of not finding someone suitable after looking for some time?



    depends on how discriminating one is.

    i am quite discriminating so at best i may run across someone once or twice a year regardless of the medium that is reasonably within what i seek.

    The more items one requires the more difficult it is.

    Personally i desire someone who is:

    Responsible,
    Honest,
    Romantic,
    Low baggage,
    Fun for both oriented,
    able to be in a committed relationship,
    height weight proportionate,
    someone who is reasonably drama free,
    has their life in order,
    does not turn the nice life i have now into a living hell as some have tried,
    have similar interests in bdsm and nilla,
    lastly domme.

    Now that is a very very tall order for any woman over the age of 25 much less a domme.

    That and i am the type would rather live alone and be happy than to have all the bdsm in the world and be miserable any second of any day of the week.

    On the bright side i am flying a domme in next month who thus far seems to fit the bill in spades and hopefully she is the "one". Of course only time will tell.

    i just do without. sort of like driving by that couple million buck p51 mustang, cant have everything.





    < Message edited by Real0ne -- 2/24/2006 12:52:56 PM >

    _____________________________

    Who's the idiot that coined the phrase "Common Sense"? As far as the eye can see "Common Sense" is not Common at all, but rare indeed.

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 5
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 12:46:48 PM   
    slavejali


    Posts: 721
    Joined: 11/8/2005
    Status: offline
    quote:

    Thus it is a numbers game and I guess that somewhere along the search and waiting one starts to question if it worth while trying or if it gives less heart break to stand aside and accept that things wont happen.


    I think thats sound advice, but I'd put a little change on it. Maybe something like,

    " Dont get so caught up in your desire to find someone that it causes you unhappiness, but avail yourself to opportunities where it could happen."

    Then if it does or doesnt happen, you're still happy.

    I couldnt respond to this topic in its entirety, to be truthful, I've never actually sought out a partner, I've just kinda meandered through life and left myself open to opportunities as they presented themselves.

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 6
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 12:59:37 PM   
    kyraofMists


    Posts: 334
    Joined: 7/29/2005
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: IronBear

    How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?



    I found it incredibly easy to meet my Lord. Almost a year and a half ago I went onto a BDSM site to meet other people involved in the lifestyle and to learn about it. The goal for me was not to meet a partner but to just meet people to talk to. My first night in the chat rooms I met Knight of Mists. In many ways we clicked right from the start. He was attracted to my intelligence and I was attracted to his insightfulness. We have communicated in some form almost daily since. As our interactions grew, so did our interest in each other.

    The hard part is that we are practically on opposite ends of the continent from each other. That alone caused both of us to seriously evaluate to possibilities of having nothing more than just an online exchange of thoughts and ideas. But the more we learned about each other the more we wanted more than that. We are both fortunate that we have a good deal of expendable income to make maintaining a long distance relationship possible for the few years it will take for me to become a permanent resident of Canada. Alandra is also a instrumental in making it easy for he and I to spend the time together that we need to manage the distance.

    So it was easy to meet someone, but not so easy to hook up with him and is even more difficult to maintain given the current living arrangements. Despite the difficulties, I could not imagine myself with anyone else or in any other relationship. The longer we are together the more sure I am of the choices I have made.

    Knight's kyra

    _____________________________

    Question the Answers - Anonymous

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 7
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 1:53:21 PM   
    MHOO314


    Posts: 1850
    Joined: 9/26/2004
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: IronBear


    • How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?

    • How do you deal with the problem of not finding someone suitable after looking for some time?




    I assume you mean for a LTR--My local scene was very Dom oriented, though lately male submissives seem to be appearing more and more--so I went to the net I have been looking for 2.5 years--I have interviewed over 200+ male submissives (those were email, chat, phone calls)--I met 3 personally--I travelled for 2 and one came to Me----one is now My dearest friend, one wanted constant discipline and humiliation which for My life and My needs would simply not work and he could not get his focus-- and then I met the boy--for whoom I travelled 3,000 miles and I am damn glad I did. THree times was indeed the charm--

    I will tell you that at times I was pretty frustrated and kept thinking I was asking for the moon--but there was no way I was going to back down--I was pretty snippy with some who blatantly disregarded My profile, Doms who secretly wanted to submit and of course the share of wankers that everyone gets--but IronBear---the boy was worth every moment of search, every tear, every frustration--as a person he is what I had always wanted in a man, as a submissive he is what and more than I hoped for---but our case is rare, W/we know it and we also know had we met any sooner we would not have been the people we are, so we simply felt we were getting ready for each other! <smiles>


    _____________________________

    "I would rather 30 seconds of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." Steel Magnolias

    Mistress Hathor

    Proud owner of subtoFemDommes--who is known as Her private label in training.

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 8
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 1:56:47 PM   
    angelic


    Posts: 562
    Joined: 1/24/2005
    Status: offline     		damn near impossible... why? because i refuse to settle ever again. So i'll just enjoy these Boards... and continue to learn (and post my opinion)

    _____________________________

    i am a slave... i am not Your slave!

    (in reply to MHOO314)
    Profile   Post #: 9
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 2:22:32 PM   
    IronBear


    Posts: 2678
    Joined: 6/19/2005
    From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
    Status: offline     		Iwas thinking, when I posted originally, of all relationships in the D/s, M/s and Gorean Lifestyles.... I've already posted my personal analysis regarding my personal situation which is why I've stopped looking and pulling out of 99% of the public arena other than being support for Neets. It is because of this I have several people talking to me with similar situations so it's more like a counselling situatiuon and with this thread I'm gaterering a variety of solutions to help others as well as I'm sure that some who read the threads will have situations which can be helped by the answers here.

    _____________________________

    Be Well
    Iron Bear

    Master of House Iron Bear


    Yes, I am a Master, but not your Master..........


    The Incorrigible, irrepressible, irreverent grizzly



    (in reply to angelic)
    Profile   Post #: 10
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 4:20:23 PM   
    Evanesce


    Posts: 633
    Joined: 9/14/2005
    Status: offline
    quote:

    How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?


    Here, it's damned near impossible. We've got a fairly large "community," and lots of people who want to play with us, but no one in whom we have any interest in trying to build a more intimate relationship. The reason for this is that what Master and I seek is much deeper than the weekend playtime nearly everyone else we know seems to want. We want rules and structure and consequences for one's actions (or inactions), but the person we seek to add to our household has to be flexible enough to accept that sometimes we want to throw out the rules and let our hair down, too. Everyone we've spoken with is just fine with the letting our hair down part. It's the rules and structure they balk at.

    quote:

    How do you deal with the problem of not finding someone suitable after looking for some time?


    We stop looking and let fate take its course. After three years and one horrible heartbreak, I quit looking. That's when Master found me. I figure, in time, the right person will reveal him/herself to us.

    _____________________________

    Denise
    the Kaptin's wench

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 11
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 4:40:08 PM   
    KnightofMists


    Posts: 823
    Joined: 7/29/2005
    Status: offline     		we will continue to move forward in our hopes to achieve that which we seek as long as the preceived rewards and chance of success outweight the efforts endured and risk of failure.

    Everyone's journey is different, at different times. I would have said the search was incredibly hard and long, but as I sit here today, I can only say I have been lucker than most and treasure what I have all the more. I am happy that I never quit my search. It was more difficult than I would of liked, but it is a relatiive thing! For now, I wish it was easier and quicker to get kyra home permanantly! But, it will be worth the effort endure and we shall succeed!

    _____________________________

    Knight of Mists

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 12
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 5:24:44 PM   
    LadiesBladewing


    Posts: 518
    Joined: 8/31/2005
    Status: offline

    quote:

    ORIGINAL: IronBear


    • How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?


    "How difficult" is "-very- difficult". We've had some who seemed close, and one who even seemed like an ideal fit, but thus far, we haven't found anyone who has made it through the 6 month probationary period with us. As a result, we've met and become friends with some incredible people, and had the opportunity to watch them and ourselves grow, but we haven't found anyone yet who is in a position to be truly -attached- to who and what we are, or who is in the position to be able to make that kind of commitment, when the other commitments in their lives are taken into consideration. That's ok, though. When it is time, the right situation will present itself.

    quote:

    • How do you deal with the problem of not finding someone suitable after looking for some time?



    And this is part 2 of the equation. While we're waiting, we're -living-. Both SilverRose and I are in school to complete new doctorates, I'm writing 2 books (one of which came about and found a publisher because of an idea brought out in a discussion -here-), we both work outside of our home, we're raising 4 kids (ok, one of them is pretty much raised, but still...), we have numerous friends and even a couple of lovers. We have associations related to our spiritual path on several planes of existence. We have so many things to keep us busy that waiting is the least of our problems.

    For us, a bigger problem is finding someone who is secure enough to be happy with being a part of what we are, and understands that being a part of what we are may mean that we are busy, or preoccupied -- but that their acts of service are so profoundly helpful in keeping our lives together.

    We're patient, though. We're willing to take chances on people who have dreams, and wait to see if their dreams and our dreams mesh. Sometimes, after a while, it becomes pretty clear that new dreams or suppressed dreams that have been given a chance to awaken rise to the surface and become a greater draw than the dreams that would keep someone with us. That's ok. Eventually, we'll find the right people, and grow at the pace that works for all of us.

    Don't lose hope. Believe in what you want. I heard once that the Universe will give us whatever we want, as long as we ask unselfishly. (I think it was in a book called Pronoia is the Antidote to Paranoia, by an author with the last name Brezny) I believe that profoundly, and it's how I've lived my life up until now, with a few little hitches when I forgot that it's all going to work out.

    Lady Zephyr


    _____________________________


    "Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 13
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 6:35:33 PM   
    OscarHargraves


    Posts: 616
    Joined: 8/9/2005
    Status: offline     		It's incredibly hard in my area (New Mexico). There doesn't seem to be much of an organized scene in this area at all and the women are pretty hard to meet the first time. I feel I'm actually very lucky to have met Kari and gotten together with her.

    I would like to meet others in this area and be able to talk and swap experiences but that doesn't look very promising right now. To all of you with better scenes and good clubs in your area,..... congatulations ! You are quite lucky.

    Side note to LA: It's not just your location. You would be much desired anywhere, anytime and by any man.

    _____________________________

    Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly!!!

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 14
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 11:30:10 PM   
    wetsub000


    Posts: 80
    Joined: 3/6/2005
    Status: offline     		I've found it very difficult to find a partner locally, but like you I think I'm after a rarity. I've been looking (to various degrees) for over four years now. In the meantime I live my life, make friends and fit in the occasional play just to remind myself I'm on the right track.

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 15
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/24/2006 11:44:10 PM   
    LATEXBABY64


    Posts: 142
    Joined: 4/8/2004
    Status: offline     		i think about what makes a person them. in our lifestyle its hard to make matches things are always messed up because of loyalty issues when people put sexuality first instead of humanity. doms compete with other doms for subs or vise versa when people do not respect a loving relationship they bring the curse of the karma on their heads. how to keep that line pure and flowing is what is complex even if you do find a match. for those that have cheating hearts may you invoke the curse of the dragon and never find love
    for those that have magic and spirit to find end all be all may your be blessed with many happy things. theres a new tide in town of alot of us are tried of peeps not being what they preach or say so in a nut shell take the time. becareful of manipulators. liars and false front. while power may be intoxicating hense he or she touched my mind kinda of thing its true the long distance run of the relationship that will make what it true and not play by the rules always :)

    (in reply to OscarHargraves)
    Profile   Post #: 16
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/25/2006 12:39:29 AM   
    stonefemmie


    Posts: 26
    Joined: 2/6/2006
    From: Southern California
    Status: offline     		*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


    quote:

    ORIGINAL: IronBear



    • How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?


    • How do you deal with the problem of not finding someone suitable after looking for some time?




    In answer to question #1, being that i'm from the lesbian community, AND into the BDSM lifestyle, AND as there is NO, none, zilch, nada, lesbian Leather community at all where i live, the difficulty here of meeting someone and hooking up, as You call it, is just impossible. my dating pool is about the size of my bathroom sink.

    In answer to question #2, i have decided that i have to be more flexible, and relocate. It's always location, location, location, isn't it? So, looking at this new revelation with an "It's going to be an adventure" outlook, and having several plans in mind, off i go.......


    warmly,

    stonefemmie...


    < Message edited by stonefemmie -- 2/25/2006 12:55:17 AM >

    _____________________________

    Honor, Truth, Respect and Loyalty.


    ********

    Trust is neither wishing nor hoping; it is a genuine sense of honor in another.

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 17
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/25/2006 12:48:12 AM   
    DragonNphoenix


    Posts: 248
    Joined: 8/2/2005
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: IronBear




    • How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?

    • How do you deal with the problem of not finding someone suitable after looking for some time?




    I have know my Dragon for over 10 years, long before we 'came out of the closet' with each other. We started a vanilla relationship first, then moved in a M/s one.

    We started looking for our 3rd in August of last year. We think that we might have found her after all of this time. But it was very rough. We could not even really find anyone to play with. We were turned down at every corner, usually without a reason, and almost had given up on finding one at all.

    1st Girl Phoenix



    _____________________________

    **Pain is just pleasure with a twist**

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 18
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/25/2006 12:57:40 AM   
    ownedgirlie


    Posts: 688
    Joined: 2/5/2006
    Status: offline     		Do you think most are intimidated of entering your situation? Master has spoken to, and worked with others, but he won't compromise and most won't meet his criteria. (He's a tough one to please, lol)

    i wasn't looking when we met. i had JUST left someone who was rotten to me. i'm talking 4 days later. i was going to give up on my submission. Didn't feel i had anything to give anyone. Then he contacted me and i was snide and argumentative. But damn if he did not snap my head around. A rocky couple of months...but....wow.

    (Sorry, didn't mean to shift gears...)

    (in reply to DragonNphoenix)
    Profile   Post #: 19
    RE: Meeting That Certain Someone... - 2/25/2006 6:33:26 AM   
    mistoferin


    Posts: 1379
    Joined: 10/27/2004
    Status: offline
    quote:

    How difficult do or have you found to meet and even hook up with a suitable partner (submissive, slave or Master/Mistress), taking into account you available time, location, available transport, and size of your local scene?


    I hear what you are saying!!! I have found it extremely difficult. We do have a very active scene here, I have perfectly capable transportation and I'm in a fairly good location. But after all of that you still have to play that numbers game.

    Part of the difficulty is that at this stage of my life...I know EXACTLY what is it that I want and I am completely unwilling to settle for less, at least as far as the basic characteristics that I desire in a partner. If it were only about finding a Dominant who has a desire to beat my ass or fuck me that would be EASY and I have a line of them offering THOSE services at any event I attend. But when it comes to a life partner....MUCH tougher to find.

    quote:

    How do you deal with the problem of not finding someone suitable after looking for some time?


    I guess I deal with it by not really actively looking. I am open to the possibilities...but I am not sitting here desperately searching. I go to events, I have a good time and I let things happen naturally. I have faith that one day (most likely when I least expect it) that it will just happen. Someone will come along and we will have that "chemistry". Do I get discouraged sometimes?....damn straight I do, especially when I see possibility that quickly evaporates or when I find that I am once again in the company of someone who has mastered the talk but has no idea how to walk the walk, and I am not talking BDSM solely but also the "life" walk. But I don't let that discouragement stop me from hoping....that one day.......

    _____________________________

    Peace and light,
    erin


    There are no victims here.....only volunteers.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

    (in reply to IronBear)
    Profile   Post #: 20
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