Jealousy

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Jealousy - 12/28/2005 7:13:50 AM

wolffeathers

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline

Ok, question for all of you out there.

I have an ex on the way. Not an ex because the relationship was bad, but because she moved to the other side of the state for school. Told my pet (who knows that the rules are that we can see/play with others), and, instead of telling me that she got jealous, tried to hide the fact.

As the ex is sick, I doubt there will be play.

However, the problem is the jealousy.

As I have the set the question, here it is. For those in Poly relationships, have you or your other felt this jealousy, when something like this has been upfront? I can understand if I had hid the fact that an ex that I'm still sexually attracted to was on the way, but I was upfront on this fact.

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

Post #: 1

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 7:23:47 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I'm not sure I understand the situation.

You have someone (who happens to be an ex) who is coming over? You don't say how long- a weekend? a month? moving in? Also WHICH weekend? NYE tends to be a fairly standard romantic/with the one you love kinda weekend and would carry with it more weight than perhaps March 2nd.

And the problem is that the girl you are with now got jealous, but didn't come out until now? What made her come out about it now?

Unfortunately just being HONEST doesn't eliminate jealousy. It certainly HELPS, and keeps everything as good a chance as it can have, but you're kind of saying "Well you shouldn't punish me for breaking the vase because I TOLD you I did it."

No you haven't done anything WRONG here, but being honest about it doesn't mean she doesn't have a right to her feelings of jealousy.

You need to figure out why they are coming out. Why now? What are her worries? Are you doing things differently? Yes she agreed to it, yes she knew it was coming, that's not quite the same as having to live through it.

So, answer the questions I have here and then I can give you more specific advice. The jealousy is the symptom of the problem, not the problem itself.

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 2

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 7:25:37 AM

starshineowned

Posts: 417
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Greetings..~smiles~

Just to set the stage alittle better Master Wolffeathers..how long with current pet? Have you or she been seeing others (since she knew it was like that from the start) at anytime up to this point or has it just been you two alone?

off the wall analogy but you can be told if you smoke your likely to get cancer. You smoke and smoke..years go by, and nothing bad is obvious to you. So while it was upfront knowledge that it's likely to cause cancer is there..it's never presented itself and isn't perceived as a clear and present danger. Until the day the doctor tells you that you have cancer. Then the reality and reactions to begin.

starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 3

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 7:43:15 AM

wolffeathers

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline

Yes, we have both seen others. And, had play with others.

I understand what you mean for the smoking (as I'm a smoker). It's hard to concieve of something happening when your being told, and then it smacks you in the face.

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

(in reply to starshineowned)

Post #: 4

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 8:12:10 AM

starshineowned

Posts: 417
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Then I'll take a stab at it as perhaps the jealousy for this particular ex is arising due to the fact that she once was a part of your life, and did not end being that on bad terms but soley due to circumstances...where as any others that you both have seen or been triad with did not and have not held that same emotional attatchement to you as this ex once had.

starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 5

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 8:14:12 AM

wolffeathers

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline

As when I first replied, I didn't see this post. Grrr for firefox.

To answer you questions LA

"You have someone (who happens to be an ex) who is coming over? You don't say how long- a weekend? a month? moving in? Also WHICH weekend? NYE tends to be a fairly standard romantic/with the one you love kinda weekend and would carry with it more weight than perhaps March 2nd."

For about three hours within the next hour (she just called me and tole me that she set her alarm wrong)

"And the problem is that the girl you are with now got jealous, but didn't come out until now? What made her come out about it now?"

Wasn't that she JUST told me, I just now decided to ask the question. The problem was her keeping it from me for ANY reason. It took me threating to stop talking to her for her to tell me what was going on.

"Unfortunately just being HONEST doesn't eliminate jealousy. It certainly HELPS, and keeps everything as good a chance as it can have, but you're kind of saying "Well you shouldn't punish me for breaking the vase because I TOLD you I did it.""

No, I'm not. Read my other reply. We have both had other partners. Hell, she is currently at another mans house. That is where part of my problem comes from. I show a hint of jealousy, and I'm wrong.........

There...are other complications that can't be gotten into at this point with that, though.

"No you haven't done anything WRONG here, but being honest about it doesn't mean she doesn't have a right to her feelings of jealousy."

And I never said she doesn't have that right. In truth, SHE said she didn't have that right. Now something I've taken away from her...

Hope these answers help you a little more.

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 6

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 8:16:21 AM

wolffeathers

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: starshineowned

Then I'll take a stab at it as perhaps the jealousy for this particular ex is arising due to the fact that she once was a part of your life, and did not end being that on bad terms but soley due to circumstances...where as any others that you both have seen or been triad with did not and have not held that same emotional attatchement to you as this ex once had.

Not quite true. Another ex I played with had/has more emotional attachment (ex-fiancee), yet the pet showed NO jealousy then.

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

(in reply to starshineowned)

Post #: 7

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 8:27:54 AM

starshineowned

Posts: 417
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Last resort..ask your pet :)

Explain what you have just explained to us..that you've both been seeing other people, she lives with another Man, you've been involved with someone that was even more close to you than this across the state ex who is coming, and she has not been jealous. So why now?..What is it about this particular ex if anything that makes her feel the beast? Is it the way you presented to your pet the news of her returning? Is it stress under the current house she resides? Your pet is the only one with the answer if it can even be explained.

Best of Luck Master Wolffeathers

starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 8

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 8:32:44 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wolffeathers
For about three hours within the next hour (she just called me and tole me that she set her alarm wrong)

OK how much warning did you have on this? Does this interfere with any other plans you had previously made?

quote:

Wasn't that she JUST told me, I just now decided to ask the question. The problem was her keeping it from me for ANY reason. It took me threating to stop talking to her for her to tell me what was going on.

Tip #1: threatening to give someone the silent treatment is about the most immature and stupid thing to do to work through an issue.

The fact that it took so much pulling says you guys have communication issues which need to be resolved before you can even start to get to the other issues.

quote:

No, I'm not. Read my other reply. We have both had other partners. Hell, she is currently at another mans house. That is where part of my problem comes from. I show a hint of jealousy, and I'm wrong.........

Did she say you were wrong? Did she try and make you feel bad about it? Perhaps she did, and that shows a weakness on her part that she needs to work through.

However, whatever her situation is, those are her true feelings. She's allowed to get jealous over whatever thing she gets jealous over, no matter if she's got twenty men sucking her clitoris all day long.

She's not allowed to make you an undue cause of that jealousy, nor is she allowed to act immature and breakdown communication because of it. (Or, she's allowed but it will damage the relationship).

You're defensive- why? Don't take her feelings of jealousy as a fault on your part, or a guilt trip on hers. Deal with the insecurity that caused her jealousy to start with.

quote:

There...are other complications that can't be gotten into at this point with that, though.

That's a shocker. Read my first reply: Jealousy is only a symptom of your issues. You both probably have a lot of sucky relationship habits that you need to break and begin to rebuilt with good ones.

quote:

And I never said she doesn't have that right. In truth, SHE said she didn't have that right. Now something I've taken away from her...

Hope these answers help you a little more.

One of the most fulfilling poly situations I know has a rule- no one gets to use her pillow. A chick can sleep over, use the shower, fuck her husband, do whatever they want, sleep in bed, but do NOT use her pillow. Irrational? Absolutely. But it's HER irrationality and what they need to be secure with eachother.

You can't begin to work on the jealousy until you've worked out all this other mess you've created together.

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 9

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 8:41:03 AM

millisande

Posts: 46
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline

no, LA, and starshine.... it is none of these things, not any fault of Master Wolf's
i don't know why i feel this way, either... i've tried, and tried to to figure it out. i cant. i want to like this girl. i wnat to become her friend... and yet, before i even meet her... i am suddenly overcome with sever jealousy.... She and Master have had plans to meet before, too.. and it never bothered me then. now, for some reason, it does. i am so confused, it hurts... Master is comming to pick me up to take me to His house to meet her in a minute.
thank you all for trying to help
sorry if this post is a mess, i'm rather upset as i type this.

Respectfully,
adrianne

_____________________________

May i serve, Master? By words? i speak softly. By moving? i move with grace. By actions? i act well. By being? i live to please You.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 10

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 8:45:08 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: millisande

no, LA, and starshine.... it is none of these things, not any fault of Master Wolf's
i don't know why i feel this way, either... i've tried, and tried to to figure it out. i cant. i want to like this girl. i wnat to become her friend... and yet, before i even meet her... i am suddenly overcome with sever jealousy.... She and Master have had plans to meet before, too.. and it never bothered me then. now, for some reason, it does. i am so confused, it hurts... Master is comming to pick me up to take me to His house to meet her in a minute.
thank you all for trying to help
sorry if this post is a mess, i'm rather upset as i type this.

Respectfully,
adrianne

Sheesh I feel sorry for the ex- no reason to make HER deal with the issues you both are dealing with right now!

Part of being alive is having our reactions surprise us. You need to take the time and work out this reason. It MIGHT be something as stupid as "I forgot to eat breakfast and it made me all wonky" or it MIGHT be something as real as "We haven't had sex in a week and it just hit me all at once"

Forcing you to see eachother when you're obviously in a state is just asking for trouble. I think Wolf is making all the classic mistakes of trying to force a solution rather than letting things slow down and then work on the foundational issues.

(in reply to millisande)

Post #: 11

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 10:47:16 AM

MistressDREAD

Posts: 2326
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

There is a differance in Poly relationships and Open relationships or even wife or girlfriend or posession swapping wolffeathers
.

Even in Your two's young state of relationship feelings can change daily as the relationship evolves. The fiance of today might be the ex of tomorrow in a life You might be amassing wolffeathers. Think about what type of relationship You are truely desiring to form and as a Dominant You will need to keep true to Yourself as to whats most important not only for Yourself but for any relationship. What if the ex fiance came to tell You today that she wants to return to You and leave school just where would this second relationship change or be held? Would it still have the same value? I can from a bystanders position looking in see the unconfortable seat that your pet has been asked to sit in. I just cannot wait till she asks the same thing of You and the seats are reversed! ~evil grin~

Dread sits in the corner with twiddling fingers and bated breath~~

< Message edited by MistressDREAD -- 12/28/2005 11:16:03 AM >

_____________________________

♥I only need 4 kinds of Animals in My life♥
♥A Jaguar in My garage♥ ♥A Mink on My back♥
♥A few Lions in My bed♥ ♥A Jackass to pay for it all♥

♥~smiles evily~♥

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 12

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 10:52:27 AM

MistressDREAD

Posts: 2326
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

millisande

are you even sure your feelings are even jealousy?
maybe it could be a chemical imbalance or
hormonal change in your body that your not aware
of since you say that you hadent felt this way befor.
Take a deep breath and do not put to much judgement
into todays actions. You might find that next week
it wasent actually jealously at all but your period about
to come. ~smiles~

Jah luv the children

< Message edited by MistressDREAD -- 12/28/2005 10:56:58 AM >

_____________________________

♥I only need 4 kinds of Animals in My life♥
♥A Jaguar in My garage♥ ♥A Mink on My back♥
♥A few Lions in My bed♥ ♥A Jackass to pay for it all♥

♥~smiles evily~♥

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

Post #: 13

RE: Jealousy - 12/28/2005 10:40:44 PM

wolffeathers

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline

Well, I found a way around this.

Only took me ten minutes to think of a way to keep the pets fears lowered.

Had the pet meet the ex...

And made a fool of myself (fooling around, jumped onto the couch, and ran my head into the wall. I'm still apologizing to the wall, it was hurt worse).

Everything seemed to go fine.

At least, they didn't kill each other.

They got along well....and made me lunch. That was nice.

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 14

RE: Jealousy - 12/29/2005 6:32:09 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wolffeathers
They got along well....and made me lunch. That was nice.

And you don't think either/both could have just been repressing? There's a very strong vein in most subs to "make everything look right" even when they are falling apart inside.

You can't run into a wall and consider that an actual relationship fix.

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 15

RE: Jealousy - 12/29/2005 7:17:27 AM

wolffeathers

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: wolffeathers
They got along well....and made me lunch. That was nice.

And you don't think either/both could have just been repressing? There's a very strong vein in most subs to "make everything look right" even when they are falling apart inside.

You can't run into a wall and consider that an actual relationship fix.

That is why I said SEEMED.

Communication is key, and I made sure to talk to both of them afterwards.

No signs of problems from talk.

None of the tell tail "I'm hiding something" that I've learned to pick up from both of them.

And where did I say running into a wall helped anything?

My wall still hurts! (I have a fairly hard head)

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Jealousy - 12/29/2005 7:27:58 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wolffeathers
None of the tell tail "I'm hiding something" that I've learned to pick up from both of them.

Good.

Now you have to figure out why it occurred, and try and head it off next time.

Now you have to figure out why she didn't tell you she was jealous at first.

Now you have to figure out a way to be open and communicative without middle school tactic.

Now you have to work on all those "other issues" you couldn't bring up here.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 17

RE: Jealousy - 12/29/2005 8:57:13 AM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Tip #1: threatening to give someone the silent treatment is about the most immature and stupid thing to do to work through an issue.

Actually, I would strongly disagree with this statement. Denying a servant conversation or communication for a while, and even denying the right to give service, is a -very- effective tool for managing a servant who is withholding information or even lying.

Just because a servant does not -like- the discipline or chastisement that is the result of his or her action does -not- make that action either stupid or immature.

Lady Zephyr

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: Jealousy - 12/29/2005 9:02:17 AM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wolffeathers

Well, I found a way around this.

Only took me ten minutes to think of a way to keep the pets fears lowered.

Had the pet meet the ex...

Ok, but you asked a question earlier that I don't think was answered by this, and that is "Why did your pet not tell you of her concerns, jealousy, and fear?" If she is hiding things from you, it will make your job of management of these fears and concerns more difficult, and may eventually result in the disintegration of the relationship. It seems to me that your pet has determined, for whatever reason, that it will be better for her to hide what she is feeling from you than to be honest about it, and that is not a good position to be in as a servant (it increases the servant's fear if he or she knows that there are unspoken secrets xhe is hiding) or as the owner (since what you don't know about, you can't deal with... and unhappy surprises are never a good thing for the owner/pet dynamic).

Even though the immediate situation was resolved, it will still be important to figure out what set off the chain of events, and see what might need to be worked on to prevent a recurrence down the road.

Lady Zephyr

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 19

RE: Jealousy - 12/29/2005 9:32:45 AM

wolffeathers

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing

Even though the immediate situation was resolved, it will still be important to figure out what set off the chain of events, and see what might need to be worked on to prevent a recurrence down the road.

Lady Zephyr

We are currently working on that. she isn't even completely sure what set off the feelings, so through talking, we're attempting to get to the bottom of it.

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 20

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