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Has this ever happened to you? - 11/13/2005 12:57:59 AM

SimplySubmissive

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I am speaking, getting to know a couple that is considering adding a second. The sub has issues about age, and is very worried about bringing in another much younger than her. (not me, i am just trying to learn a few things from them)
Does anyone have any experience with this? Has anyone had the Dom lose interest in the first, sexually, because the new one was much younger, more attractive? How is something like that handled? To me it sounds like an alpha's worst nightmare.
thanks,
ss

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RE: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/13/2005 1:08:11 AM

MsKathy

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It's a relationship killer. The only way a poly relationship could possibly work is that the people involved are secure in themselves. Bottom line.

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RE: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/13/2005 1:35:45 AM

luvdragonx

Posts: 387
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Ditto.

Security in the primary relationship is a must - no exceptions. A lot of people make the mistake of going along with things on the ~hope~ that they will 'get used to it'. It doesn't happen, IMO. It won't matter if the second sub is younger/older, thinner/heavier, funnier/more boring - anything and everything can and will be wrong with her in the first subs eyes as long as she sees the new girl as a threat.

If the Dom did lose interest in the first because the grass looked greener with the second - it speaks to his character. If the primary sub is concerned that someone else might take her place, some things need to be addressed before adding another person. If they do choose to add another to the relationship with the insecurities still in place, it will be bad. For all of them.

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RE: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/13/2005 2:03:15 AM

Kasia

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quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx
If the Dom did lose interest in the first because the grass looked greener with the second - it speaks to his character.

If there was any chance I could feel my man would go after a younger woman and put me on a second place, I would promptly get a divorce at once. Some things I dont tolerate - anything goes as long as I am the first one and only one that really matters.

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RE: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/13/2005 5:29:30 AM

MstrHellsFury

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I could go on and on about the do's and don'ts of bringing in another...but bottom line seems your issues are about the value of superficial things...looks...age...diminished sexual attractivness...

I for one...look to the heart of the submissive...her value to the whole...not just to me personally...if that's what I wanted I wouldn't even seek another...and this is the place I differ from so many who practice poly...this personal preference thing...if a submissive were an alien...do you think I'd consider that issue if all she wanted was to serve me and my family as I wish it...

fear is not an option...if you can't have an infinite capacity to love..understand..learn....no matter who you are or your title or station within this relationship...you are doomed to failure...

anyway...some of us Masters are no courtyard beauty roosters ourselves...just look at the pic on my profile...so to want that all so perfect package of beauty= everything...just glad that when I see something close to that...I don't laugh so hard I need to start thinking of wearing some Depends...

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RE: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/13/2005 8:16:35 AM

starshineowned

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Greetings..~smiles~

With the age difference it is not so much (if at all anymore) a thought process of being cast down to 2nd, or not as exciting, etc. as much as it is for me about having shared commonality between the other slave and myself beyond serving Master.

If the younger slave and I were able to find area's of mutual enjoyment, shared interests, like views, etc. then having a spring chicken around would be somewhat positive for me as her youth, energy, vitality, even different outlooks of some things would be inspiring.

starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

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RE: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/13/2005 8:23:18 AM

cltcdrd

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quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

Ditto.

Security in the primary relationship is a must - no exceptions. A lot of people make the mistake of going along with things on the ~hope~ that they will 'get used to it'. It doesn't happen, IMO. It won't matter if the second sub is younger/older, thinner/heavier, funnier/more boring - anything and everything can and will be wrong with her in the first subs eyes as long as she sees the new girl as a threat.

If the Dom did lose interest in the first because the grass looked greener with the second - it speaks to his character. If the primary sub is concerned that someone else might take her place, some things need to be addressed before adding another person. If they do choose to add another to the relationship with the insecurities still in place, it will be bad. For all of them.

Could not have said it better.

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RE: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/13/2005 8:49:12 AM

LadiesBladewing

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One thing that I haven't seen mentioned here is a poly concept called NRE, or New Relationship Energy. This is that first burst of energy that every new relationship has, when all the people involved can really think about is being together and spending time getting to know one another. Every new relationship has NRE, and because it is a physiological as well as an intellectual/emotional event, the body actually produces hormones in the people involved that make them more attractive to each other. It usually lasts around 6 to 9 months as a physiological state, and while it is happening, it is -likely- that the new person will get extra attention, and even extra sexual interest, while the interest in the current partner wanes a bit to make up the balance. If one of the partners is the odd party out and wasn't interested in this "expansion" in the first place, he or she is going to be a sorry, cranky, camper, and any insecurities that he or she had are going to blossom like those lotus fireworks, and make a whole lot of screeching until they burn out -- and the burn-out won't be pretty, and it will likely leave a scar on the whole relationship, even if the group survives the fireworks.

The ONLY way to get around NRE is to go through it, and that requires that -everyone- know that it is a normal state of affairs, and that it will ease off over time. Everyone involved has to be willing to move past their libidos and their egos, and work together to make the family work while the new relationship is integrating. These situations work particularly well if both of the current partners have an interest in the new person, though that can be somewhat overwhelming for the new person -- still, if there is real friendship and affection among everyone involved, even NRE won't leave anyone feeling like they aren't a part of what is going on.

Most of us (females in particular) are insecure about our bodies, our age, our talents, our sexuality... insecurity will drag us down, so it is important to remind OURSELVES that this is something that we wanted, and that we're going to find positive things every day to nurture the change. Don't wait for the newbie to come up with companionable ideas for everyone to share, and don't wait for the other mate to do it either. If they come up with something for everyone to do to bring you all closer, GREAT! There can't possibly be too many opportunities to be together and cherish one another's company... but in case the other members of the group -haven't- thought of this, at least there will be one person who is focusing on stuff that will energize the group as a whole.

If nobody is willing to do the hard work of this kind of a merge, don't put yourselves through it. It is really very simple. This is going to take work, there is going to be some discomfort, and even some pain, as things are re-assembled into their new shape. If nobody is willing to go through some discomfort and pain, then this is definitely not the way to go, and you'd be better of not putting yourselves or the potential newcomer through it.

Lady Zephyr

< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 11/13/2005 8:52:09 AM >

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RE: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/13/2005 11:04:09 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplySubmissive
Does anyone have any experience with this?

Sure happens all the time. If you want my advice, end it now, not worth the work and pain, you can find a stable situation.

quote:

Has anyone had the Dom lose interest in the first, sexually, because the new one was much younger, more attractive? How is something like that handled?

Happens all the time. How it it handled? Lots of tears, fighting, back stabbing, manipulations...and ultimately ending of the relationship in some form or another.

Also quite commonly the dom just moves onto the next new toy.

quote:

To me it sounds like an alpha's worst nightmare.
thanks,
ss

Sadly yes. Part of why us "new girls" get such a bad rep and come into relationship with so much undeserved baggage to deal with.

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RE: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/13/2005 8:01:30 PM

domtimothy46176

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I'll admit that we are hesitant when encountering younger submissives, although our reasons are a bit different than those cited in the OP. I'm leery of investing my time and energy in another young woman who may bail because she wants to experience the untethered existence of being young and single. toy is unwilling to see me go through the emotional upheaval that I endured last time. I think it would take an exceptional young person and a considerable amount of time for me to completely trust someone in her early 20's again. At the very least, I would want to take great pains to ensure a young woman had plenty of opportunity to "spread her wings" and get a taste of the wide variety of experiences available to young adults.
Timothy

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RE: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/13/2005 8:23:55 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: domtimothy46176
I think it would take an exceptional young person and a considerable amount of time for me to completely trust someone in her early 20's again.

I don't think it's a matter of not trusting them so much as understanding where they are in life. I often thank my older Boston partner as he is married with a teenage son- he's the stable one of the family!

I know I'm still "settling" in life myself. It's doubtful I'll be in a serious long-term living situation for a few years yet, I'm still moving about a lot, being flexible and exploring actively all around.

This doesn't mean I can't be trusted, but it does mean that I pick and choose long term commitments with that perspective in mind.

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