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LadiesBladewing -> RE: Has this ever happened to you? (11/13/2005 8:49:12 AM)
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One thing that I haven't seen mentioned here is a poly concept called NRE, or New Relationship Energy. This is that first burst of energy that every new relationship has, when all the people involved can really think about is being together and spending time getting to know one another. Every new relationship has NRE, and because it is a physiological as well as an intellectual/emotional event, the body actually produces hormones in the people involved that make them more attractive to each other. It usually lasts around 6 to 9 months as a physiological state, and while it is happening, it is -likely- that the new person will get extra attention, and even extra sexual interest, while the interest in the current partner wanes a bit to make up the balance. If one of the partners is the odd party out and wasn't interested in this "expansion" in the first place, he or she is going to be a sorry, cranky, camper, and any insecurities that he or she had are going to blossom like those lotus fireworks, and make a whole lot of screeching until they burn out -- and the burn-out won't be pretty, and it will likely leave a scar on the whole relationship, even if the group survives the fireworks.
The ONLY way to get around NRE is to go through it, and that requires that -everyone- know that it is a normal state of affairs, and that it will ease off over time. Everyone involved has to be willing to move past their libidos and their egos, and work together to make the family work while the new relationship is integrating. These situations work particularly well if both of the current partners have an interest in the new person, though that can be somewhat overwhelming for the new person -- still, if there is real friendship and affection among everyone involved, even NRE won't leave anyone feeling like they aren't a part of what is going on.
Most of us (females in particular) are insecure about our bodies, our age, our talents, our sexuality... insecurity will drag us down, so it is important to remind OURSELVES that this is something that we wanted, and that we're going to find positive things every day to nurture the change. Don't wait for the newbie to come up with companionable ideas for everyone to share, and don't wait for the other mate to do it either. If they come up with something for everyone to do to bring you all closer, GREAT! There can't possibly be too many opportunities to be together and cherish one another's company... but in case the other members of the group -haven't- thought of this, at least there will be one person who is focusing on stuff that will energize the group as a whole.
If nobody is willing to do the hard work of this kind of a merge, don't put yourselves through it. It is really very simple. This is going to take work, there is going to be some discomfort, and even some pain, as things are re-assembled into their new shape. If nobody is willing to go through some discomfort and pain, then this is definitely not the way to go, and you'd be better of not putting yourselves or the potential newcomer through it.
Lady Zephyr
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