Does Love Change Things?

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Does Love Change Things?

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Does Love Change Things? - 9/27/2005 4:45:16 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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I was happily poly in my last relationship. I enjoyed knowing that my partner was getting to satisfy many different fantasies with other partners. I never really felt it took anything away from our relationship at all.

It was my first go at poly/swinging, and one that went smoother perhaps then I expected.

Since then, we have come to admit that while we loved each other, we were never in love. It was more a close loving friendship with sex. We got through the rough weeks of admitting this and have stayed friends. It was a great experience.

Now I have met a new man. The chemistry is strong and everything about this fledgling relationship looks promising...I feel as though we are falling in love...

Right now, he has a busy life and has no interest in seeing other women. He is content with me continuing my sexual relationship with my ex. He likes knowing I can have fun when he is not available. (He hasn't explored poly before, or really thought about it.)

I'm not sure whether this is how things would remain, but I find myself wondering something...

If we do decide to continue with an open relationship, and fall in love...if he decides to have other playmates...Will I be able to cope?

I guess I wonder if being in love will make it impossible for me to remain comfortable with poly...

I know, no one can answer that for me...but I'd really love to hear about other people's experiences, thoughts, suggestions...

Thanks,
Cin

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RE: Does Love Change Things? - 9/27/2005 5:43:40 PM

realophelia

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From: Eastern PA
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quote:

I guess I wonder if being in love will make it impossible for me to remain comfortable with poly...

I don't really consider myself poly. But I am in relationship with someone who is. He seems perfectly comfortable with loving two people. I am less at peace with it, as of late. But that doesn't have anything to do with his feelings for me. I do understand that I'm loved and I know that if I wasn't it would be even harder. Ophelia

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RE: Does Love Change Things? - 9/27/2005 7:59:04 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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One of the skills people have to learn in life, and definitely in poly, is that interacting with other partners WILL cause changes in the other relationships. How much and to what extent depends on tons of factors.

Will you cope? Of course you will, there's nothing else you can do. At the heart of every successful relationship is a willingness to let someone seek their bliss, even if it means that bliss is NOT with you.

Whether you can cope AND still be with him is another issue, and it's one you have to figure out for yourself. Just remember, being in love isn't what makes a relationship work long term.

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

Post #: 3

RE: Does Love Change Things? - 9/28/2005 5:07:36 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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I've already learned a lot of the coping skills one needs to learn to enjoy an open relationship. There are such helpful books and workshops available to teach that and my ex and I attended our share. I agree that all our relationships effect the others in some way.
I guess what I'm wondering is whether it's been anyone's experience that people find it harder to share their partners when they are in love? Do more intense feelings make poly harder?
Cin

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
Whether you can cope AND still be with him is another issue, and it's one you have to figure out for yourself. Just remember, being in love isn't what makes a relationship work long term.

_____________________________

quote:

Merriam-Webster defines KINK as a clever, unusual way of doing something...and I'm okay with that!
~ Me ~

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Post #: 4

RE: Does Love Change Things? - 9/28/2005 6:19:06 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful
Do more intense feelings make poly harder?
Cin

The true but not very helpful answer is that it becomes easier in some ways and harder in others.

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

Post #: 5

RE: Does Love Change Things? - 9/29/2005 9:19:17 AM

MsPurrmeow

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful
I guess I wonder if being in love will make it impossible for me to remain comfortable with poly...
Cin

I think it's important to remember that there are a lot of things that need to be separated here. Ask yourself...
"Is it your "decision" to be in this relationship?" and
"What is Love... REALLY?" (for YOU)

If you are thinking of love only as that overwhelming wave of emotional drama that comes with the adrenaline and hormonal rush, then that is different from a person who defines love as a strong bond of commitment separate from lust and passion. Of course, Lust and Passion are good things. It seems to me that the answers to your questions boils down to whether or not you are going to make irrevocable choices while riding the wave of lust and passion, or if you consider "Love" to be something more stable and long-lasting. Folks who use the phrase "falling in" are generally talking about the Lust/Passion/NRE phase of the relationship.

Truth-be-told, we are animals, when those waves of hormonal inspiration (lust, passion, etc.) take over our minds and other body parts, we, as animals, go through periods where we tend to be experience more of those irrational responses, such as jealousy, anger, fear, and even envy. It happens. Ride the wave, but don't jump to any conclusions about the future of the relationship during those times.

Having been in a poly family for well... a LONG time, I've felt stronger bonds to one than the other over time. It cannot ever be equal, but no one gets left in the dust. When there's a passionate connection to one, we consciously choose to reach out and connect with the other person. Sometimes it's weeks that I spend more with one than the other, then it will switch, or sometimes I get left behind while they spend time together. I'm not talking just sexually, either. If I'm focused on one for several hours, we'll stop and go hunt down the other just to say Hi and chat for a bit to reconnect.

"Love" will affect your relationships only as far as you make conscious choice to let it. If you "ride the wave" and leave everything in it's dust, then yeah, you may have some difficult times trying to be poly at the same time. If you can make choices and commitments and stick to them when the wave hits, you'll survive. It DOES get easier over time.

Good luck.

Purr

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Post #: 6

RE: Does Love Change Things? - 9/29/2005 9:23:42 AM

thetammyjo

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I'm in love with both husband and my slave -- I, personally, can be in love with several people at once.

The only thing that changed for me with arrival of love was the level of sexual intimacy.

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TammyJo

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RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/2/2005 8:34:56 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsPurrmeow
It seems to me that the answers to your questions boils down to whether or not you are going to make irrevocable choices while riding the wave of lust and passion, or if you consider "Love" to be something more stable and long-lasting. Folks who use the phrase "falling in" are generally talking about the Lust/Passion/NRE phase of the relationship.

Yes, I'm certianly aware of the various stages relationships go through. However, I do believe there is a difference between the love two friends feel for one other, and that which exists between two people in a commited, romantic relationship.

I suppose I'm wondering how different an open relationship might feel in that situation.

Naturally, my belief would be that making the decision to enter into a poly relationship is best done when one is not in a highly charged emotional state. I was more concerned about after that decision is made.
C.

_____________________________

quote:

Merriam-Webster defines KINK as a clever, unusual way of doing something...and I'm okay with that!
~ Me ~

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Post #: 8

RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/2/2005 11:01:43 PM

cinnfulhussy

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For me, love does change things. When I'm not in love with a partner, theres not as much at stake. If things take a turn south, its unfortunate, sad, but certianly not devistating. If there is love involved, so much more is risked emotionally, and my actions reflect that.

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Post #: 9

RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/3/2005 6:00:11 AM

ChereeAmoor

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20 years after the wedding, we are still madly in love, and poly. If you are secure in your relationship, there won't be many jealousy issues, and if there is a lot of communication, hopefully there won't be many misunderstandings.

And yes, indeed, your mileage may vary.

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Post #: 10

RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/3/2005 6:53:09 PM

LadiesBladewing

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We've found just the opposite--the stronger our love for one another, the more joyfully we were able to share. Two of our partners had never been in poly relationships before, and were scared when we first started. One of us had -lots- of experience (15 years as a mate in a quad), and another had no practical experience but the intrinsic mindset of a poly (she actually found her husband a girlfriend near the end of her and her husband's relationship, when it seemed that he needed a place to be happy and peaceful and someone who would lavish the affection she no longer could on him.)

I cherish this quote from Robert Heinlein's character Jubal Harshaw: "Love is that condition where the happiness of another person is essential to your own." It seems to me that truly loving someone would make it easier, rather than harder, to watch them experience joy wherever it can be found--especially in the world in which we live, in which joy seems to be such a rare commodity. Admittedly, it is an ideal, and ideals are things that are worked towards...and it is amazing, sometimes, to look back along the road we've traveled and see how far we've come, even if we haven't reached our ideal, but in keeping this ideal as the goal, I think it is possible to cherish and nurture a relationship, no matter which way it goes.

Lady Zephyr

< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 10/3/2005 6:54:36 PM >

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

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RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/3/2005 9:28:18 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChereeAmoor

20 years after the wedding, we are still madly in love, and poly. If you are secure in your relationship, there won't be many jealousy issues, and if there is a lot of communication, hopefully there won't be many misunderstandings.

Very reassuring ChereeAmoor, thank you!

Cin

_____________________________

quote:

Merriam-Webster defines KINK as a clever, unusual way of doing something...and I'm okay with that!
~ Me ~

(in reply to ChereeAmoor)

Post #: 12

RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/3/2005 9:32:12 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing

I cherish this quote from Robert Heinlein's character Jubal Harshaw: "Love is that condition where the happiness of another person is essential to your own." It seems to me that truly loving someone would make it easier, rather than harder, to watch them experience joy wherever it can be found--especially in the world in which we live, in which joy seems to be such a rare commodity.

Lady Zephyr

Thank you for this comment, Lady Zephyr, it certianly reminded me of what I enjoyed about poly with my ex.

Cin

_____________________________

quote:

Merriam-Webster defines KINK as a clever, unusual way of doing something...and I'm okay with that!
~ Me ~

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 13

RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/4/2005 2:19:04 PM

domtimothy46176

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From: Central Indiana
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I have nothing to add but my own personal experience. The only complication I've ever suffered from actually being in love, as opposed to simply loving a partner, has been an unwillingness to take neccessary action for fear of ending the relationship. For myself, the intense "can't live without her" variety of love is an inhibiting factor in some situations.
Timothy

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RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/17/2005 9:20:42 AM

target

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I can't imagine my family working if there wasn't love. If my boys didn't love each other as much as they love me it wouldn't work very well. And when a bump in the road hits as they always will, theres a reason to pause before you go burning bridges...the other part of the equation.

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Post #: 15

RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/17/2005 1:52:52 PM

LadyTantalize

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For Me, being in love and being committed to My loves are the best route to long-term happiness and satisfaction. My pets might be allowed to play with others with My permission and while I don't play lightly nor outside My family often, if I wanted too I would merely discuss this with them. BUT..... I am a firm beleiver in fidelity to My body-fluid-bonded, poly-family. Commitment to My family is what I found makes Me feel the best and leaves Me feeling so satisfied and content.

But, hey that's just me.

Truly,

Lady T.

Lady Tatiana Tantalize
Atlanta's Sadistic Southern Belle
http://www.ladytantalize.net

"A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages."
-Tennessee Williams-

_____________________________

Truly, Lady T.

Lady Tatiana Tantalize
Atlanta's Sadistic Southern Belle, Crossdressing Consultant, Punk-Rock Party Girl and Wicked SugarPuss
http://www.ladytantalize.net

"A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages."
-Tennessee William

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Post #: 16

RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/19/2005 7:11:15 PM

GoddessDee

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Joined: 10/9/2005
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I myself had an experience in the past with a submissive I met. His feelings began to get in the way from what I expected of him Meaning: he stopped behaving as a submissive and started acting like a boyfriend. Unfortunately this caused the relationship to take a nose dive so to speak. The thing that I have learned from this is that although it is a Dom/sub relationship the communication between both parties is just as important if not more in this sort of relationship as oppose to a vanilla relationship because there must be boundaries that should never be crossed.

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RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/20/2005 11:13:55 AM

gypsyeyez

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Joined: 10/18/2005
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quote:

I guess I wonder if being in love will make it impossible for me to remain comfortable with poly...

Really I see loving the One you are in a relationship with makes it easier to accept poly cause in your heart if you truly love them you want more then anything to please them. If this includes setting aside your own jealousy issues of wanting to keep them all to yourself .... then that will usually to be done or the relationship will end on usually a bitter note... and sadness develops over losing one that is a great love to your own insecurity or jealousy.

Just my thoughts,

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The delve into the depths of the soul of another one must first have the guts to search their eyes for hours...
for the eyes truly are the windows of the soul.

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RE: Does Love Change Things? - 10/20/2005 4:53:39 PM

Sensualips

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Lady Zephyr, I have frequently used that quote. I am a Heinlein fan. ;)

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RE: Does Love Change Things? - 11/2/2005 4:30:19 PM

Belladonna82

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i will say this but from experience only......
At first....Loving the Master i serve and poly lifestyle really hurt....i was sooo scared of loosing the one man that has been able to tame me....many had tried but i have always been like a child whos parents let him do whatever....i was spoiled rotten.After time i relized that while i loved him....i either had to accept his desires and get over the emotional bump or beg to be released.....my love for Master has made me stronger and over come the one thing i never thought i would....do i resent Master for this?....no

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Blessed be!

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