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And then there were three.... - 9/8/2004 8:58:14 PM

strongnsubmissiv

Posts: 184
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

Hi folks... be gentle, it's my first post. :)

I've browsed around bondage.com and alt.com the odd time, and recently have found this pleasant little community which so far seems to be full of genuine people. Since i'm a submissive male of course i've seen countless ends of Domme profiles. Amongst the many, i've noticed a trend and it's given me pause to think.

What i've noticed is many couples seem to be searching for a "second" for their relationship. A second to compliment what already looks like a long term commitment between two people.

Question: what is it about D/s that makes poly relationships so popular. Is it impossible for two people to be happy on their own?

I suppose there's no need for a happy couple not looking to expand to post a want ad, and perhaps i just don't see them. I will admit though, from what i've seen even in our local community here, poly never seems to work for long term.

Any thoughts?

strongnsub

Post #: 1

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/8/2004 9:15:45 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2245
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

This is only my opinion, of course.

I think that relationships that are open to alternative sexual practices, as a whole have an excellent level of communication. As such, I think partners are more willing to be open about their desires.

My parter and I are happy as a single couple, but we very much enjoy playing with a third or fourth party occationally. This isn't becaues we're not content with each other. We could happily live -without- doing this. However, we're also open to trying out our fanatsies.

I think that open lines of comunication often lead to third parties, because the members of the relationship are not afraid to voice that desire. I personally think power exchange relationships require a level of comunication that can be avoided in vanilla relationship.

(This isn't to say I think vanilla relationships are "not as ddep" as BDSM ones. Rather, that in order to maintain working power exchange communication must be a focal point of the relationship. If one is uncomfortable with that in a vanilla relationship, it can easily be avoided.)

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

Post #: 2

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/8/2004 11:11:15 PM

NoCalOwner

Posts: 241
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic
I think that open lines of comunication often lead to third parties, because the members of the relationship are not afraid to voice that desire. I personally think power exchange relationships require a level of comunication that can be avoided in vanilla relationship.

They were probably ordered to talk about it, and later, made to try it out. You don't find that in very vanilla relationships.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 3

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/9/2004 12:25:28 AM

ShrewWhisperer

Posts: 63
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline

Hiya Strong,

Welcome to the board, good post btw...

with your question, a lot of it has to do with ego. The thinking works like this "if I can dom/me one person out, think about how much grander I'll feel domming 2" You see this alot with subs who are milktoast and don't require a master's constant care. --that was the answer to piss people off.... :)

the other reason is finding that thrill of fucking new people, without sacrificing hard won dom/sub relationships. It satisfies that want of new, and since most folks in the life were cats before they came to the life new becomes like a drug.

there are a few tactical advatages of 3 or more people during scenes, --you can get different and "better" stimulation, you can make punishments go further when one has to observe the other sub's suffering....and there is an added element of 'dirty' when it's more than 2.

for myself, I've never seen the advantage, a relationship between master and slave is one of the most intimate things that still happen in modern life, it is a combination of healing, play, sex, apprenticeship, and trust....and when it's done right it is intense, and that's damn hard to keep the level of intensity as it "should" (hate that word) be when its spread around.

I'm satisified you'll see posts upcoming about how many subs folks can handle, and if they can then god bless 'em, speaking only for myself I'd rather do one thing perfectly, than two things that are only alright.

(in reply to NoCalOwner)

Post #: 4

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/9/2004 3:58:45 AM

Sylverdawn

Posts: 234
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I am a member of a closed poly unit..a triad... that means we dont swing...Its so not about how many people y ou can fuck or doinging something perfectly or better.. for us its about growth and development.. The inclusion of partners in a long term relationship has to be about more than sex.. because sex wanes... in the daily grind of living...getting the bills paid, t he trash out, the dogs groomed, the dishes done, etc..etc.. I dont know many people who can make takin the trash out a sexually wonderous thing.. ok maybe one or two but they are really sexy and in the winter blue balls knock them down from a 10 to a 5 infront of the recycle bin naked.

We have deep emotional attachments to each other on many different levels and honestly I could do a monogomous relationship if that was my choice but the choices I have made have lead to a richer emotional life... and yes I would share that with the right male submissive... but if the right one never comes along.. Im ok with that... and content to do what I do perfectly...

be well

< Message edited by Sylverdawn -- 9/9/2004 3:59:42 AM >

_____________________________

"Yes, we women are inventive," she said. "Be careful. When you find your ideal, she might easily treat you more cruelly than you like."

(in reply to ShrewWhisperer)

Post #: 5

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/9/2004 5:52:32 AM

WayHome

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline

I think this really hit the nail on the head:

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

This is only my opinion, of course.

I think that relationships that are open to alternative sexual practices, as a whole have an excellent level of communication. As such, I think partners are more willing to be open about their desires.

My parter and I are happy as a single couple, but we very much enjoy playing with a third or fourth party occationally. This isn't becaues we're not content with each other. We could happily live -without- doing this. However, we're also open to trying out our fanatsies.

I think that open lines of comunication often lead to third parties, because the members of the relationship are not afraid to voice that desire. I personally think power exchange relationships require a level of comunication that can be avoided in vanilla relationship.

(This isn't to say I think vanilla relationships are "not as ddep" as BDSM ones. Rather, that in order to maintain working power exchange communication must be a focal point of the relationship. If one is uncomfortable with that in a vanilla relationship, it can easily be avoided.)

I think you covered the big reasons right there. I think there are other contributing factors too:

If you are a masochist who likes to show what you can endure, it's nice to have an extra person to witness it.

If you are proud of your master and his tallents, it can be nice to see someone else appreciate them.

If you are into humiliation, there are so many more possibilities....

As ShrewWhisperer said, multiple subs can be an ego boost to a Dom, and there's nothing wrong with that.

"Good Cop/Bad Cop..."

Suffering with can provide a profound and special bond that is different from suffering at the hand of and can be just as sweet.

Pure decadence--nothing says "You are the king of all you survey" better than tag-team blowjobs.

Most men have MFF threesome fanatasies, but BDSM makes it a lot more practical and functional in reality--erections might fail with an audience or in a marathin, but ropes, floggers, clamps, paddles, and spankings all just seem to work even better under pressure.

"Human spanking bench" "Human restraints"

We scene people tend to be very visual--it's hard to watch yourself in a twosome and the visual feast just gets more and more delectable with each participant.

Some subs enjoy friendly competition--Dominants too...

Now, most of that deals with the physical scene. There is also another component when it comes to long-term poly. The number one reason poly doesn't work for most "vanillas" is communication which we all have to have anyway. Other reasons include issues of jealousy, ego, sharing, and balance. Well, we don't require or even always desire balance. Jealousy for us can be an opportunity or a tool as often as it can be a tragedy. Sharing is easier when it's an expression of submission and one's expectations of "fairness" can be set aside. Ego is easier to handle when affonts to one's ego and strokes to one's ego are already an acceptable and healthy part of your relationship instead of something to be battled over with each partner unconciously struggling for power as is the usual state of affairs for most modern marriages.

In summary:
We tend to be more aware of desires for poly, more equipped to get it, more suited to handle it, and have more creative and exciting ways to enjoy it.

Leto
(poly before he was BDSM, but finding it's a lot more functional now)

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 6

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/9/2004 5:54:03 AM

theroebabe

Posts: 3150
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline

Hi !

Well i am wired that way. I like having a primary relationhip but a little bit of change and spice can be nice once in a while. I cant see having a poly relationship in the true sense of the word but never say never. But i can see being open and sharing with certain special people. Roe

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

Post #: 7

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/9/2004 7:03:19 AM

Synocense

Posts: 215
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline

I think if we were to take a poll of 'vanilla' couples who wish they could have a sexual/deep mental experience with another person other than their spouse, and it not harm their present relationship in any way, I bet the "Aye's" would be very low. However, if we took the same poll, with the same people, and magically got inside of these couples for their secret, true feelings, the outcome would be much different. Society tells us monogamy is the way to all which is pure and true. We, in this lifestyle, have chosen to take the less travelled path, straying from the ground society has beaten down. In essence, we incoorporate others into our relationships because we can ...and if done correctly, evidence shows in some cases it enhances rather than hinders. This does remind me of something said to me once which I feel is worth putting down. "Just because I can, doesn't mean I would.....or should"

Syn

(in reply to theroebabe)

Post #: 8

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/9/2004 8:01:09 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2245
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NoCalOwner

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic
I think that open lines of comunication often lead to third parties, because the members of the relationship are not afraid to voice that desire. I personally think power exchange relationships require a level of comunication that can be avoided in vanilla relationship.

They were probably ordered to talk about it, and later, made to try it out. You don't find that in very vanilla relationships.

Well, as I said this is just my personal feeling. My own power dynamic doesn't work in such a way, though I know others do. This is simply my findings from the experiences I've had and those of my friends.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to NoCalOwner)

Post #: 9

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/9/2004 10:40:33 AM

happypervert

Posts: 862
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

Society tells us monogamy is the way to all . . .

Depends on which society you're talking about. Go to Utah and you'll find polygamist sects; historically in other societies wealth and power allowed one to collect harems.

I'll bet the original poster never sees a submissive looking to add another dominant to the mix. Which brings us to the point -- D/s relationships exlicitly have power imbalances just like the Mormon sects, Turkish agas or Chinese emperors. Adding other partners to a relationship is all about expressing that power.

(in reply to Synocense)

Post #: 10

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/9/2004 1:25:21 PM

NoCalOwner

Posts: 241
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

quote:

ORIGINAL: NoCalOwner

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic
I think that open lines of comunication often lead to third parties, because the members of the relationship are not afraid to voice that desire. I personally think power exchange relationships require a level of comunication that can be avoided in vanilla relationship.

They were probably ordered to talk about it, and later, made to try it out. You don't find that in very vanilla relationships.

Well, as I said this is just my personal feeling. My own power dynamic doesn't work in such a way, though I know others do. This is simply my findings from the experiences I've had and those of my friends.

Sorry if that came across as disagreement, it was intended as agreement. Although details vary, I think that the level of communication about sexual matters is MUCH higher in D/s (and some other kinky) relationships than vanilla. Whether things are communicated under orders, expressed as limits in a contract, or whatever, feelings and fantasies are inevitably discussed. I sure hope, for everyone's sake, that the vanilla folks catch up with us one day.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 11

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/9/2004 1:47:44 PM

yoursMaam

Posts: 48
Joined: 7/29/2004
Status: offline

Hi strongsub,
Excellent, and thought provoking first post.
When i got married (yes i was, now divorced) i had a friend look at me and ask me what book i was reading. i told him, and he asked me if it was a good book. i said "yes".
he asked me if it was the best book i ever read. after i hesitated, he told me to think that it was. i said "Okay." He then asked if it was the only book i ever wanted to read for the rest of my life. i said no, then he asked me why i was getting married.
18 years later i understood his message. There is a perfect mate, there is a perfect relationship. and there is an unbreakable partnership. i believe that with all my heart.
i also believe with all my heart that there is room for those who understand for more than one.

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

Post #: 12

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/9/2004 2:02:50 PM

asecreter

Posts: 28
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

With the caveat that I also understand where it would be completely possible for somebody to dismiss my remarks as someone who was full of shit...

THEN there's also the element of being polyamorous that is actually about the EMOTIONAL end of a relationship, and after a sense, that's even EASIER to understand. Odds are, during the average lifetime, most people wind up in love with more than one person.

Sometimes this happens at the same time. I just came out of a vanilla situation where I attempted to deal with same in a semi-rational manner and the real problem was, I didn't actually know such a thing was possible for me and had never even encountered the term before, subsequently the end result was very bad. While the end product was hurtful all around, simply because I hadn't anticipated such a thing and refused to believe it was happening in the first place, I also don't regret the experience because I wound up understanding myself a lot better as a result. Not anything I'd ever do intentionally, per se, and certainly something I can see a lot of people wanting to avoid, but the dynamic isn't much different. It's still love by any other name, but it also happens to be concurrant.

(in reply to NoCalOwner)

Post #: 13

RE: And then there were three.... - 9/9/2004 6:00:20 PM

strongnsubmissiv

Posts: 184
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

I must say i'm incredibly impressed by the debate and opinion that is going on in this thread. It's wonderful.

Issues such as these, i don't try to put a yay or nay on really. If it's one thing i've learned since coming out of the D/s closet, it's keeping an open mind about everything is indeed very important. I've enjoyed many things about this lifestyle that without an open mind, i would never have tried, and by the same token, things that i've fantasized about for years, have sometimes ceased to be exciting once i've tried them in reality.

As for the poly thing, for me personally, i don't think it's my bag. If i find myself in a relationship with a Domme, and she expresses a need to fulfill this yearning, i'll help her with it in any way that i can. I'm not sure what it is about submissive men, but of the many i've met over the years, jealousy is never a trait we seem to harbour. Also, i've some limited experience with being number 3, and although the relationship was very fulfilling for me, i could see it was causing hardship for the primary couple.

So like most things with this lifestyle, if it works for you, have fun.

sns

(in reply to asecreter)

Post #: 14

RE: And then there were three.... - 3/18/2005 5:36:02 AM

stormsfate

Posts: 846
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

I think anyone who is looking to "complete" or "fix" anything by going into a poly relationship is doomed to failure. If we went back to monogamy tomorrow, I would still be happy...I would still be fulfilled, although I would miss the energy present in our current dynamic.

The thing is...I honestly believe we can love more than one person. Its not about the sex or the play.

best regards,
fate

_____________________________

Storm1206 - Author of my dark desires...Owner of my soul.

stormsvision - chainsister and partner in crime.

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

Post #: 15

RE: And then there were three.... - 3/22/2005 5:23:59 PM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 634
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I think anyone who is looking to "complete" or "fix" anything by going into a poly relationship is doomed to failure. If we went back to monogamy tomorrow, I would still be happy...I would still be fulfilled, although I would miss the energy present in our current dynamic.

That is a wonderful way to put it stormfate... ty

We are a poly family and have been for a while now. There is nothing in our relationship that is in need of being "fixed", in fact we are extremely well adjusted people. We seek to have others join our "family" because we have such a great love and we want to share it. To us it's all about the emotional bond we share with our submissives. We have no problem being monogamous... we simply choose not to be.

And yes, I believe a poly relationship can and does last, it's just more difficult then a monogamous one, partly, I think, because how often do you hear people consistantly berating a two person relationship? Going into something with the "belief" that it's doomed to failure rarely sets it up to succeed. Let's be realistic here.. how many threads do you see talking/debating a failed monogamous relationship? If everyone had the same attitude about poly as they did monogamous things would be drastically different. How many people do you (generic you) know that have tried a monogamous relationship only to have it fail and then completely give up on finding another one? If they did I'm sure they would have friends gather 'round them and tell them not to give up, the right one is out there and so on and so on..... How about we think along those lines for a bit?

Jewel

_____________________________

ShiftedJewel of PhoenixRisen

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

Post #: 16

RE: And then there were three.... - 3/22/2005 8:52:15 PM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 636
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Central Indiana
Status: offline

My girl thinks there is simply too much "energy", for lack of a better word, in me to have it all focused on one person, even her. I am open to poly because I know it can work with the right combination of personalities. Two is a good but not complete, there is more vitality in multiple personalities working together efficiently, as well as the numerous benefits in stability, labor distribution and other matters. I have the drive and the vision to build a larger family unit and mold it into a true family where everyone works together for the benefit of all. Monogamy isn't a bad thing, per se, but it's so limiting, IMO. On the other hand, I don't see it as primarly a sexual endeavor. I tend to think in terms of servants rather than bedmates. While this works well for me and my girl, it seems to me that many are more romance-oriented and tend to think in terms that I equate with boyfriends and husbands rather than dominants. I think those that are primarily service oriented would find the proper mix of ingredients in a poly home to be emotionally fulfilling rather than draining. Of course I also think that it's not an easy task to filter out the many to find the ones that fit. My conclusion is that many fail to properly investigate before they choose their poly matchings, just as many who do the same in their monogamous matchings. If communication is neccessary in a vanilla pairing and even more important in a D/s-based match than it stands to reason that the importance of good communication should grow geometrically in a poly-fidelitous house run on a D/s foundation. It doesn't help, IMO, that many haven't taken the time to get to know themseves and their own motivations prior to seeking out a match. OK, i've rambled on enough for one post.
Timothy

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*DISCLAIMER* The above consitutes the thoughts, opinions and actions
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Post #: 17

RE: And then there were three.... - 3/24/2005 10:05:28 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Ds and poly are two completely different sub-cultures. There are far more poly vanilla people out there than poly ds people out there.

However, both are "alternative lifestyles" and one tends to feed into the other. Once you're "out" and open to being alternative, it's MUCH easier to come out and explore other venues as well.

(in reply to domtimothy46176)

Post #: 18

RE: And then there were three.... - 3/24/2005 6:41:21 PM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 636
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Central Indiana
Status: offline

Is this kind of like how marijuana is classified as a "gateway drug"? Slippery slope and all that?

Timothy

_____________________________

*DISCLAIMER* The above consitutes the thoughts, opinions and actions
of the author. No warranty is expressed or implied. Read at your own risk.

Body jewelry and more at wholesale prices
http://stores.ebay.com/T-and-J-Enterprises

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 19

RE: And then there were three.... - 3/25/2005 5:30:15 AM

chainedgirl

Posts: 73
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline

Then theres always the possibility of having someone to do activities with that the first sub cannot. Maybe something is a hard limit for the primary submissive, but for a second its a favoured activity.

At the end of the day, poly relationships are about love, not sex, or fucking, not titlation. That's swinging.

(in reply to domtimothy46176)

Post #: 20

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