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Advice- first timer - 10/7/2005 6:22:14 PM

RandBcouple

Posts: 86
Joined: 5/19/2005
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Tomorrow Master and i are meeting a sweet sub we've been chatting with. i'm very excited about it in many ways, for one, i am glad that it will be something which pleases Master- that in itself fills me up with joy- i've never been with a female, although i am bi curious, and i have never experienced seeing the man that i love kissing, caressing, or being intimate in any way shape or form with any other female other than myself. In fantasy it is something which gets me extremely hot! but i am so afraid that when push comes to shove, i won't be able to deal with it. It's all new to me.Master assures me we will take it slow, and i feel confident enough in our relationship to know that i will not lose him to her or any one else.... but i still feel a little apprehensive about the way i will react to it since i do NOT want to get into a mood where i close up and get all insecure or start getting weird ideas in my head....i don't want to be uptight about the whole thing, i want Him to enjoy Himself more than anything in the world. How did you all react the very first time you saw your partner with another person in an intimate way? what ran through your mind? did you feel insecure? strange? or just totally excited and comfortable with it. Also, any advice for me on how i can just ease up and enjoy our time together?

~Babygirl

Post #: 1

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/7/2005 7:01:57 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

OK so you're skipping the part about meeting in nuetral space and rushing straight for the sex/play.

I don't need to go into the risks and pitfalls involved in that, so I won't.

Honestly my best advice is DONT HAVE EXPECTATIONS. Go into this just exploring, just to see how chemistry works, just to have fun. Don't put pressure on performance, first times are never really the best times, they are the clumsy awkward times.

Be honest at each stage. If you aren't sure, do NOT swallow it down just to make him happy. If it doesn't happen tonight, maybe it will happen the next date. Rushing is a bad idea.

Don't worry about pleasing her and being her best lover- ask her what she likes, heck make her show you. My guess is your dom will do most of the direction anyway, and the nervousness will be so high that you'll be lucky if you can relax much at all. Think about what you like done to you and try to mimic that.

And don't mistake one night of awesome chemistry and passion as all you need to go forward. Don't come on the boards next week saying "Shes the one!"

(in reply to RandBcouple)

Post #: 2

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/7/2005 7:16:45 PM

RandBcouple

Posts: 86
Joined: 5/19/2005
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Emerald,

we aren't going to jump into sex as soon as we meet....we may not do anything other than spend a nice weekend together, we may do more, or less, who knows...the three of us are on the same page as far as that goes. We are planning to take it slow, meet, enjoy eachothers company, have dinner, do things together (she's from out of town. so it's a weekend thing - in nuetral places, ofcourse) i'm probably jumping the gun here, but hey i thought i'd get some advice for the "just incase" we do have good chemistry, we do want to get it on.

i appreciate your advice tho, you're direct and to the point - and i like that about you.

~Babygirl

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 3

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/7/2005 7:24:47 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

You're all adults, you're going to do what feels best.

And remember the condoms.

As far as feelings, I felt extremely nervous but thrilled. It's the cuddling/snuggling/talking in the morning which seals the deal and smooths over the anxious wrinkles leftover.

(in reply to RandBcouple)

Post #: 4

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/8/2005 4:59:20 AM

MadameDahlia

Posts: 1329
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: Southern California
Status: offline

I'm just going to toss out a thought that struck me and see how it jives...

Since you (Babygirl) seem to be a bit more nervous would it make any sense for you (after a connection had been established, chemistry detected, etc.) to be close, perhaps even intimate with this new person first? Even if it is no more than accomplishing tasks *together* or watching a movie *together* on the couch sharing a bowl of whatever strikes your fancy... thereby giving you and she a chance to develop a bit of a bond...

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 5

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/8/2005 8:40:07 AM

starshineowned

Posts: 417
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Greetings..~smiles~

What a wonderful idea MadameDahlia. :)

At some point Master to wishes to add to his home, and alot of the very same emotions you have expressed (RandB) (as with a great deal of others ) are also true to me as well. Master has been spending a great deal of time explaining his reasons, finding out what my thoughts, fears are in this journey, as well as describing situations that will most assuredly happen when another girl does come so that i can better relate to him the exact thoughts that well up.

This is an on going process Master does..feeling out where my mind is at, and will always continue to be an area of assessment. It has helped a great deal. Jealousy is Not something you can just toss out the window, and to degree's will always be present for one reason or another but over time hoepfully those reasons will be easily identifable to talk about quickly, and more so hopefully reasons like.."uh, she got more icing on her cake than i did"..vs.."she's in there having sex with My Master and "He must not want me anymore".

That idea of you getting time alone to just do fun things together first really sounds great, and will for myself ask Master about it being incorporated should we someday get to a point that you are at.

Well Wishes

starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

(in reply to MadameDahlia)

Post #: 6

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/8/2005 9:18:23 AM

wipmebeetme100

Posts: 192
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline

That is a wonderful suggestion MadameDahlia.
In the last poly relationship i was in, i was able
to bond with Masters slave/wife very quickly because
we took the time to do things together. She also made
the time to teach me how Master liked things done. That
made me feel good.

Peace,
cathy
Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth
~Unknown

_____________________________

Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth
~Unknown

(in reply to MadameDahlia)

Post #: 7

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/8/2005 9:47:02 AM

RandBcouple

Posts: 86
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

thank you all for such wonderful advice!

Tonight we will be meeting, as i said before, i am excited and a bit nervous at the same time. Let's see what happens...i will keep you all posted!

~hugs & kisses~

~Babygirl

(in reply to wipmebeetme100)

Post #: 8

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/10/2005 10:27:44 AM

RandBcouple

Posts: 86
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Well, what a weekend this was!! had a great time....many ups, some downs...as far as my emotional reactions were concerned with Master and another female, but over all if was a very interesting and fun experience. We clicked real well, we are taking things very slow now - although we spent the weekend together and enjoyed eachother immensly, we all want to take things slowly and with a clear head.
I will never forget this weekend however, since it was filled with many "firsts" for all of us.

~Babygirl

(in reply to RandBcouple)

Post #: 9

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/10/2005 11:15:59 AM

starshineowned

Posts: 417
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Greetings..~smiles~

Glad to hear the experience was over-all enjoyable and may prove fruitful for you all as time goes on. Glad to hear taking it slow to..lol

Best wishes

starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

(in reply to RandBcouple)

Post #: 10

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/10/2005 2:17:37 PM

RandBcouple

Posts: 86
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

yes! thankyou....i am very content with the outcome....i was very nervous that this would change things between my Master and i ...that i would never be able to see Him in the same light. I feared that our relationship would chage, and not in a good way. I am so relieved to know that things aren't just the same as before this weekend, actually it's even better because it was yet another experience which brought us even closer together. The three of us had an awsome time. We laughed, played around... did regular vanilla things like go play pool, watch tv, go out to dinner, etc.... and we also played with eachother and cuddled. For the most part, I was enjoying myself tremendously and I really was enjoying her company, that was never an issue.....feeling those nagging thoughts of insecurities creeping up when i'd see my Master cuddling with her, and holding her, or seeing him in more intimate ways with her, that just stirred all sorts of emotions in me. Actually, I'd have to say, the cuddling was even more strange for me than the actual sex. Hell, seeing her make out with Master was more of a shocker than seeing them actually having sex. Just like, during the moment I'd be fine, then as soon as all was normal and we were just chilling with eachother, then I'd feel a little bit strange about the whole thing. Anyhow, i realize this is a process which takes time. I am willing and able to get to a point where i can fully enjoy it without the fear of losing my Master. As far as this girl, she is a true sweetheart and i am extremely glad she formsa part of our lives now....we don't have a "poly" relationship, we just have a friendship - with benefits : ) For now, the thought that it's just a friendship is somehow comforting to me, it reassures me that nothing will change between Master and i....and He was spectacular as always this weekend...He made the two of us feel like the most beautiful women in the world! He comforted me, and was also able to make her feel at ease as well. He's a Master in the truest sense of the word.

~Babygirl

(in reply to starshineowned)

Post #: 11

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/10/2005 2:44:41 PM

SimplySubmissive

Posts: 24
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

MadameDahlia...
what an excellent idea!!

I'm curious as to how many Doms would agree to this?
what if you came back and said, nope, no chemestry... what then?
Would the Dom then drop it?

(in reply to MadameDahlia)

Post #: 12

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/10/2005 2:59:06 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplySubmissive
I'm curious as to how many Doms would agree to this?

I can't imagine what reason a dominant would have against it, unless he was cheating.

That is the whole POINT of poly isn't it? To form intimate relationships with more than one person at the same time?

quote:

what if you came back and said, nope, no chemestry... what then?
Would the Dom then drop it?

If he was smart, he'd accept it and give it a few months to date and see if anything happened.

(in reply to SimplySubmissive)

Post #: 13

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/14/2005 5:45:49 PM

ShadowMster

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplySubmissive

MadameDahlia...
what an excellent idea!!

I'm curious as to how many Doms would agree to this?
what if you came back and said, nope, no chemestry... what then?
Would the Dom then drop it?

As I Dom, I would do just that. Poly realtionships are not the easiest and almost never work if forced. Many don't work when really nothing is wrong except anxiety.

If a sub in my house said no to an addition, I would either work on addressing the concerns, or keep looking. If it bothered me that much, I might release the existing sub and take in the new one.. But while I say that here as an option, this would only be if I was already unhappy with the existing sub.

(in reply to SimplySubmissive)

Post #: 14

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/14/2005 6:02:44 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 604
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

I was involved in a poly-period w/in a non bdsm relationship, and I would agree the sexual aspects were not the difficult part for me. Though secure and mostly "un-jealous" it was suprising to me what type of random, small thing might pop up and bother me. You can not control your instinctive reaction to an event -- you can only control how you deal with it.

(in reply to RandBcouple)

Post #: 15

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/15/2005 10:30:16 AM

RandBcouple

Posts: 86
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Well, yet another "update", the relationship between the sub and us ended before it began! There were some conflicts between my Master and her, some issues they just could not agree on, and honestly i never quite wrapped my head around any of it. i'd love to know how you all do it!? i just can't stand the mere thought of sharing my Master on a full time basis. It's been almost a week now since our encounter and i still can't get the image of Master and her out of my head! Like i said before, i enjoyed myself very much, it was extremely hot seeing my Master receiving pleasure from another, yet it's a mix of something erotic and hot yet disturbing as hell!! i can't make sense out of it. i guess i just was not built for poly.

~Babygirl

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 16

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/15/2005 1:20:46 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RandBcouple

Well, yet another "update", the relationship between the sub and us ended before it began! There were some conflicts between my Master and her, some issues they just could not agree on, and honestly i never quite wrapped my head around any of it. i'd love to know how you all do it!? i just can't stand the mere thought of sharing my Master on a full time basis. It's been almost a week now since our encounter and i still can't get the image of Master and her out of my head! Like i said before, i enjoyed myself very much, it was extremely hot seeing my Master receiving pleasure from another, yet it's a mix of something erotic and hot yet disturbing as hell!! i can't make sense out of it. i guess i just was not built for poly.

~Babygirl

Hmm so one failed dating experience (which trust me was all but destined to occur) and you and your dom are quitting it completely?

I think it's fine if you guys try it and realize it's not where you want to go, I'd praise the honesty in that. But to go for it and be turned away so fast?

Perhaps part of it is the perspective you have- this shouldn't be about "you sharing your master" it should be about BOTH of you forming an entirely NEW relationship amongst THREE of you. Your master will have to share his time with both of you, she will have to share HER master with YOU too. This is why it can be SO hard for the "new chick" because she is perceived to be the on "taking away" when it really should be everyone flexing and growing to fulfill everyone else.

Have you read the Ethical Slut yet?

At any rate, I'm glad you guys found out early on and through discussions rather than the really nasty drama these things tend to degrade into.

(in reply to RandBcouple)

Post #: 17

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/15/2005 5:42:05 PM

RandBcouple

Posts: 86
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

Hmm so one failed dating experience (which trust me was all but destined to occur) and you and your dom are quitting it completely?

I think it's fine if you guys try it and realize it's not where you want to go, I'd praise the honesty in that. But to go for it and be turned away so fast?

Perhaps part of it is the perspective you have- this shouldn't be about "you sharing your master" it should be about BOTH of you forming an entirely NEW relationship amongst THREE of you. Your master will have to share his time with both of you, she will have to share HER master with YOU too. This is why it can be SO hard for the "new chick" because she is perceived to be the on "taking away" when it really should be everyone flexing and growing to fulfill everyone else.

Have you read the Ethical Slut yet?

At any rate, I'm glad you guys found out early on and through discussions rather than the really nasty drama these things tend to degrade into.

Emerald,

You're filling in the blanks again. It's not about one bad experience, and it's not about my Master and i quiting completely. i have never been and will probably never be "poly". My Master is not really "poly" however He has no problem with it at all, infact wishes for me to open up to it more - which is the reason i gave it a shot to begin with .... by this i mean, it is the reason i agreed in meeting this girl, yadda yadda - i realize we weren't even in the first stages of a poly, we didn't have a relationship with this person, it was only one weekend and that's as far as it went however, it was a first for me, seeing my husband/partner/significant other with another person, it was a bit surreal and even disturbing for me. i realize this was only my first time, i know this - i also realize that people in poly relationships get to know eachother well, and develop emotional attachments - i am not judging the poly lifestyle by any means, from my little experience, what i am saying is simply that this tiny glimpse into what a poly relationship, or atleast aspects of it, could be like was more than enough for me to realize that i would have a hell of a rough time dealing with it. You see emerald, i don't see it from your perspective, you see it from the eyes of the third party going into the relationship, i don't, to me it would not be Her sharing Her time with Her Master - it's her taking time away from My relationship with MY Master/Husband - whether it's rational or not, it's what i feel. It's jealousy, possesiveness, childish, etc etc ,..... but it's my honest emotions regarding that sort of situation.

For me, the intimacy i share with my Master is just that, intimate, it is something that is almost sacred in my eyes, seeing Him take that and give it to another just boggles my mind. Again, not putting anyone down - on the contrary i wish i could learn how to accept it and like it!! Nothing more in this life that i want more than to please my Master and make sure He is fulfilled in every aspect, i truly wish i didn't have this issue going on, He wants us to go to a new level in our relationship and i have always obeyed Him happily and willingly, and this is the only part of our relationship which is a sticking point and i can't seem to overcome. As i said in the previous posts, i had a great time, it was enjoyable for the most part - however by the same token i'd feel myself tremble inside and my stomach in knots seeing them together. I have always been very territorial, i can be a bit possesive about those i love and i will scratch anyones eyes out if need be for those i love and care for.....so it's just something i need to figure out and deal with. Luckily Master is not pressuring me at this point, He made it clear to me that He will give me time and space to feel comfortable with the idea, and if i never do that will be just fine. So, needless to say, that makes all the difference. : )

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 18

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/15/2005 6:26:26 PM

starshineowned

Posts: 417
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Greetings..~smiles~

In actuality I see this as a good thing. You have learned just how deeply this emotion is embedded in you without creating major drama or pain to yourselves or others involved. This is a great stepping stone and platform from which to continue working.

One thing from what you have said, that being that your Master and yourself are not really "poly" minded..might be to just talk on it and see if infact it is a true destination that you both wish to arrive at someday, or if it is just simply that can be completely left alone.

Another thing is that you now know the depth of jealousy within you, you know it is not a good emotion for anything, and can now work on it through different venue's maybe that are more comfortable to you both to try and overcome it or atleast not let it be the beast from within that kills you. It is not easy.

If you both do decide that yes truely at some point in your lives you'd love to have a poly life..then approaching it from you finding and building a friendship with a person over time being the theme might work better for helping qwell that jealousy. For sure though the sexual aspects just really need to be left out of it for a good long time.

best wishes
starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

(in reply to RandBcouple)

Post #: 19

RE: Advice- first timer - 10/16/2005 1:57:13 AM

brightspot

Posts: 1161
Joined: 3/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Luckily Master is not pressuring me at this point, He made it clear to me that He will give me time and space to feel comfortable with the idea, and if i never do that will be just fine. So, needless to say, that makes all the difference. : )

I wonder if things will be just fine or you well eventually lose him all together, or he may begin seeing someone else without your knowledge. That is if having more than one submissive (slave) is something he really desires and is an important piece he wants as part of his life..Just a thought...

Edited to add; Maybe it would be a good idea, if you were to ever try it again, to hold off on the sexual intimacy until you bond on an emotionally intimate level...Just another thought...*shrugs*...

*Brightspot

< Message edited by brightspot -- 10/16/2005 2:02:23 AM >

_____________________________

*Brightspot

"Cheer Up! The worst is yet to come" ~Philander Johnson

"Common sense is very uncommon" ~Horace Greeley

"Words are the most Powerful Drug of Mankind." ~Kiplin

(in reply to RandBcouple)

Post #: 20

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