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sub: totaly new concept - 1/9/2006 11:09:58 PM

beautifuldoglove

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline

while i am new to the concept of being a sub and new to the DOM/sub world, i'm not new the the act of being submissive. from the time i was a child of about 4 i can remember putting others interest and well being above my own.
when i was 30 i married a man-younger than me- who carried a lot of DOM traits. we didn't practice the DOM/sub lifestyle other than i did anything and everything for him except wipe his butt and feed him. i did those thing gladly but he didn't respect me and the things i did was never good enough and he was physically abusive to me making me sleep on the back porch in the winter in the cold or kicking me out of the house with out clothes on, and more than once he threatened and acted like he was going to break my neck (have the pics for that one). his house was never clean enough the meals i fixed and served him on the sofa were never what he wanted, i couldn't have kids.
finally he left me for a woman--definintely a DOM...an on her way to jail DOM (lol), but still a DOM and kicked me out of our home.
i went to live with my parents and soon met my new and first true DOM, but i still didn't know i was submissive. he suggested some sites to look at and i soon found myself reading about me. i was astounded but i understood myself so much better.
i also understand my DOM better too. i have never been in a relationship where i could fully TRUST the other person, but i trust my Master and i want to serve him.
he has been so patient while i explore this side of me and find out if this is the type of life i want to lead. he's never pushy and when i mess up he's very gentle. i'm very thankful for him.
now comes my delemia: i want to please him, but i keep messing up. i ask question, which he answers, but i don't want to be so ignorant that he gets frustrated and tired of me. He is truly the best thing that has ever happened in my life and i will gladly serve him for the rest of my life for the love and respect that he gives me. any suggestions, input, advice...anything that a person new to the concept of being totally submissive in a relationship needs to know. i will forever be grateful.
thanks, christina

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RE: sub: totaly new concept - 1/9/2006 11:41:45 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

c o m m u n i c a t i o n...........

keep talks open at all times

be upfront
be open
be honest
the rest should follow in time

welcome...
and good luck to you.

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to beautifuldoglove)

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RE: sub: totaly new concept - 1/10/2006 4:22:35 AM

typesgirl

Posts: 102
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline

I agree with Veronica.

One of the greatest benefits of a D/s relationship is the amount of open communication it affords both people involved. Without it it just won't work.

I also think it's super important that your Dom understand that serving him is so important to you. I would even suggest that in some ways while trying to please your new Dom you are mentally trying to please the jack-ass who didn't appreciate you (shame on him). You need to forgive yourself for how he treated you and wipe your slate clean for your new Dom. Let him guide you, care for you, teach you, and most of all..encourage you. You have some serious healing to do and he can help you do that but ultimately I think you have to do it for yourself. Any good Dom would take great pleasure in seeing you heal and grow.

Wishing joy for you in all things,
typesgirl

(in reply to veronicaofML)

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RE: sub: totaly new concept - 1/10/2006 6:06:58 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: beautifuldoglove
now comes my delemia: i want to please him, but i keep messing up. i ask question, which he answers, but i don't want to be so ignorant that he gets frustrated and tired of me. He is truly the best thing that has ever happened in my life and i will gladly serve him for the rest of my life for the love and respect that he gives me. any suggestions, input, advice...anything that a person new to the concept of being totally submissive in a relationship needs to know. i will forever be grateful.
thanks, christina

Has he told you that this is a dilemma? Training and making mistakes are all part of the process- yes it sucks, but learn to expect it and grow with it, instead of being a perfectionist, making it all about YOU, and letting it drag everything down.

So, unless he's told you that he doesn't like your questions, thinks you are doing someting wrong or whatever...get over it, be humble and learn.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

(in reply to beautifuldoglove)

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Post #: 4

RE: sub: totaly new concept - 1/10/2006 6:21:11 AM

MysticalPhoenix

Posts: 160
Joined: 11/30/2005
From: Kelloggsville, Vanilla County MI
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: beautifuldoglove

while i am new to the concept of being a sub and new to the DOM/sub world, i'm not new the the act of being submissive. from the time i was a child of about 4 i can remember putting others interest and well being above my own.
when i was 30 i married a man-younger than me- who carried a lot of DOM traits. we didn't practice the DOM/sub lifestyle other than i did anything and everything for him except wipe his butt and feed him. i did those thing gladly but he didn't respect me and the things i did was never good enough and he was physically abusive to me making me sleep on the back porch in the winter in the cold or kicking me out of the house with out clothes on, and more than once he threatened and acted like he was going to break my neck (have the pics for that one). his house was never clean enough the meals i fixed and served him on the sofa were never what he wanted, i couldn't have kids.
finally he left me for a woman--definintely a DOM...an on her way to jail DOM (lol), but still a DOM and kicked me out of our home.

Your former husband was just plain abusive. You are well rid of him.

quote:

ORIGINAL: beautifuldoglove
i went to live with my parents and soon met my new and first true DOM, but i still didn't know i was submissive. he suggested some sites to look at and i soon found myself reading about me. i was astounded but i understood myself so much better.
i also understand my DOM better too. i have never been in a relationship where i could fully TRUST the other person, but i trust my Master and i want to serve him.
he has been so patient while i explore this side of me and find out if this is the type of life i want to lead. he's never pushy and when i mess up he's very gentle. i'm very thankful for him.
now comes my delemia: i want to please him, but i keep messing up. i ask question, which he answers, but i don't want to be so ignorant that he gets frustrated and tired of me. He is truly the best thing that has ever happened in my life and i will gladly serve him for the rest of my life for the love and respect that he gives me. any suggestions, input, advice...anything that a person new to the concept of being totally submissive in a relationship needs to know. i will forever be grateful.
thanks, christina

It sounds like you are still in post-abuse recovery. You fear that your patient and gentle Master is going to start treating you like your ex-husband did. And, considering all that you went through, it's not an unrealistic fear. Domestic abuse is usually something that starts slow and builds up over time.

My recommendation is that you find a kink-friendly/kink-aware counselor, who can help you separate out your new master's domination from your old husband's abuse.

PHoenix

_____________________________

pleased owner of manservant in training, james

---------------------------------------------------------
Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.

(in reply to beautifuldoglove)

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RE: sub: totaly new concept - 1/10/2006 12:39:52 PM

MasterRobert1

Posts: 154
Joined: 7/18/2005
Status: offline

You may have a naturally submissive nature. But no one is BORN with the knowledge a sub/slave needs (or a Dom either, for that matter). Asking questions is a very good way to learn. And let's face it: everyone-EVERYONE- needs to learn, one way or another. It's the attitude, not the questions, that matters.

(in reply to beautifuldoglove)

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RE: sub: totaly new concept - 1/10/2006 4:35:06 PM

lsycko

Posts: 7
Joined: 8/28/2005
Status: offline

i am also very new to being a sub. my Master is very patient in answering all my questions very thoroughly. But, i can tell you that this has not only been the most satisfying relationship in my life, but also the most confusing. It is very difficult to channel ones emotions and needs into something healthy. For me, the way i have been dealing with it is to talk to my Master when i am feeling out of balance. i also journal almost everyday and really look at myself in a different way. Reading books on submission as well as BDSM, have really helped me to understand where I am coming from, and most importantly where i want to go. There are days when my insecurities are so overwhelming that i just want to cry, but instead, i focus on what is causing it and how to re-direct it into something useful.

As far as making mistakes, that is what happens when you learn something new. And believe me, this is truly learning. i have been disciplined for forgetting to do something and yes i felt terrible, but in the end i felt good, because my Master understood why i did or didn’t do something and corrected me, and we moved on. The trust that i give him amazes me everyday, but the feelings i get in return are incredible!

i would also suggest finding another sub to talk to, i have a friend who is older and has many more years as a sub than i and listens to me and guides me through this emotional roller coaster i am on.

So good luck, and if you ever need another who is going through this as well, please feel free to email me!!

(in reply to MasterRobert1)

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RE: sub: totaly new concept - 1/11/2006 8:00:39 AM

beautifuldoglove

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline

you are all so helpful, and i thank you very much. my Master is very patient and encourages my questions...and MysticalPheonix you are correct i am expecting Him to react to my mistakes and questions like my ex did and expect to go days without communication and being raged at.
LuckyAlbatross...He also encourages my questions and will not allow me to feel sorry for myself. i have explained that if i get paranoid about something that it's just a trained behaviour and that in time i will get better. He says He understands and "it's going to be ok."
and the communication...He wants me to talk to Him...that surprises me. He wants to know how i am...mentally, physically, and emotionally. i have to admit it kind of makes me feel like its too good to be true...lol
typesgirl...the first time i met my Master He knew i was a sub and He was intrigued with me. He didn't push the issue, just let me take my place with Him. i do believe He understands how important His happiness is to me. i also think the fact that He is older than i am is also a contributing factor. over the past few months i have developed a comfortableness with Him that i've never known with any man. i feel very fortunate to have Him.
your comments were and are very helpful and you've encouraged me considerably and let me know it's not something that's going to be learned over night and to expect failure but to try again.
thank you so much...and if you think of anything else...like how to weasel my way out of a potential correction...please let me know...lol...just kidding unless there is really a foolproof method.

thanks again,

christina

(in reply to lsycko)

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RE: sub: totaly new concept - 1/12/2006 6:49:02 AM

dplayswell

Posts: 12
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline

Something I find of value as a sub is to write what I am thinking, feeling, wanting, liking, and disliking in a journal for my Dom. The breadth of my communication is much deeper than it would be in an oral conversation form.

d

(in reply to beautifuldoglove)

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RE: sub: totaly new concept - 1/12/2006 9:26:51 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 1850
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

When you stop asking, you stop learning,

if He is a good Master, He will understand and be patient--He must also understand that you have the abused spouse self esteem issue that will for a long time color your belief in how well you are doing- He should do some learning and understanding of those issues and be prepared to help you deal with those as you both grow.

_____________________________

"I would rather 30 seconds of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." Steel Magnolias

Mistress Hathor

Proud owner of subtoFemDommes--who is known as Her private label in training.

(in reply to beautifuldoglove)

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RE: sub: totaly new concept - 1/12/2006 3:37:12 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

When you stop asking, you stop learning,
----------------------------------------------------

he he he chuckling...

but "I" quit askin a long time ago....nothing new to cleanin floors on yer hands n knees....
or doin dishes so they sparkle....lol

damn..i must a professor....lol

had-to pick on ya..
take care

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to MHOO314)

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