one step back to go forward?

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one step back to go forward? - 6/8/2005 10:42:44 PM

MBDom4sub

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Joined: 6/8/2005
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poly dom here. have tried many times to keep a poly relationship but to no avail. my main sub is very difficult to find a match to (she's sub but possessive) and when i find one who she plays nice with, the new girls try to subversively be the alpha sub. of course this creates an imbalance that can only be solved by releasing the new girl.

i'm wondering if maybe i should let everyone go and start from scratch with girls who are more submissive? of course i have a 5 year relationship with my main sub so letting her go would be a HUGE undertaking. anyone else solve this puzzle? thanks ~R~

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RE: one step back to go forward? - 6/9/2005 5:16:50 AM

Leonidas

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Hi MBDom,

I'm guessing to a degree because I don't know what specific behavior you consider to be "trying to be the alpha sub". Generally, you have to be the unequivicol master of your own house if you want to own more than one girl. Your basic problem is that you are allowing the girls to assert their own agendas at all. That goes both for your first girl and second girl. When you say of your first girl "she's possessive" i'm guessing (again because you didn't say) that you allow her to act out jealousy or have some say in when and how you use the other girl. If you have given her that kind of power in the house, forget owning another girl, because ultimately, you aren't in charge, and you'll only end up keeping the other girl if your first girl allows it (which isn't happening). It's natural, by the way, for the second girl to rebel against this kind of situation. She submitted to you, afterall, not your first girl.

You probably won't solve this situation by releasing your first girl. Just about any girl is going to try to do what she is doing. It doesn't matter how submissive she is. If you are prone to allow it, you'll just end up back in the same situation that you are in now with a different set of girls. The only exception is if you find a girl who is just as or even more interested in other women as she is in you. If you don't mind becoming the third wheel in your own house that'll work, but may not be what you're after.

In the final analysis, if you see your submissive as an equal, though submissive, partner in the household you'd best forget about poly. Poly households work when there is a strong patriarch or matriarch (or both) in the house who are acknowledged by all to have a great deal more power and say than the submissive members. If the submissives are allowed to assert and persue their own agendas in the house, it will fall apart eventually. Instead of releasing your first girl, take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself what kind of house you are willing and able to run. You'll need to assert more control than you are now to make poly work.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

< Message edited by Leonidas -- 6/9/2005 5:28:23 AM >

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Leonidas

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RE: one step back to go forward? - 6/9/2005 5:23:32 AM

cltcdrd

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Leonidas is correct on this one. In order for a Poly relationship to work, the Dominant must have complete and total control over the household. Can I ask you something? You said that you have been with your main sub for 5 years? In that time, had you always maintained a poly lifestyle? Or was it something that originated after you had established a relationship?

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RE: one step back to go forward? - 6/9/2005 5:58:00 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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I gotta say I agree with Leonidas, at least when we're talking about M/s poly and not vanilla poly.

If you want to keep your current slave, you need to sit her down and let her know what her expectations are in service to you and make sure she follows them. She's essentially trying to subvert your desires and orders. While it might be mostly unconscious and somewhat understandable, well she agreed to obey so she better get to it.

AFTER you're sure things are secure and that she is as much on board with this as you are, then you may proceed.

Secondly, pick better mates. There IS a good reason for letting subs find other subs. Or maybe you secretly like women who try and take over and should find a dominant for you both?

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RE: one step back to go forward? - 6/9/2005 11:16:59 AM

RandBcouple

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While i agree with Leonidas completely that the Master should have control of the household and of his girl(s), it is just as essential that his primary slave desire a poly relationship as well. i don't see how it can work in the long run if the slave does not wish to share her Master with another female in a live in situation. i think that if she is that possessive of her Master the poly relationships will be destined to fail ultimately.

i don't think a poly relationship can be forced on anyone, no matter how much power one person has in a relationship, her true feelings will always come out and the relationship will be sabotaged by it.

Maybe you should ask yourself what's it all worth....if having another girl is worth losing the one you already have than maybe she just isn't the one for you or vice versa. Perhaps you should work more on your primary relationship before bringing others in....and this is just my opinion of course, based on the info you provided in your post.

Best of luck to you and yours

~hugs~
Babygirl

(in reply to MBDom4sub)

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RE: one step back to go forward? - 6/9/2005 11:37:05 AM

subversiveone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RandBcouple

While i agree with Leonidas completely that the Master should have control of the household and of his girl(s), it is just as essential that his primary slave desire a poly relationship as well. i don't see how it can work in the long run if the slave does not wish to share her Master with another female in a live in situation. i think that if she is that possessive of her Master the poly relationships will be destined to fail ultimately.

i don't think a poly relationship can be forced on anyone, no matter how much power one person has in a relationship, her true feelings will always come out and the relationship will be sabotaged by it.

Maybe you should ask yourself what's it all worth....if having another girl is worth losing the one you already have than maybe she just isn't the one for you or vice versa. Perhaps you should work more on your primary relationship before bringing others in....and this is just my opinion of course, based on the info you provided in your post.

Best of luck to you and yours

~hugs~
Babygirl

Yeah! What she said!!!!

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RE: one step back to go forward? - 6/11/2005 7:46:35 AM

edana

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Greetings,

Poly is a hard topic for me to talk about, even read about…

I am first girl in my master’s house. My master has told me since he took me that I was a natural first girl. Though I was pleased he saw a good quality in me, I was disheartened because I wanted to be “only girl” the culture that I come from has put in my head that if a man takes a second girl, the first is out the door. Why? Well because that is indeed what happens. As I have not experienced anything else to *show* me I am wrong, the fear of rejection, and failure is very real.

It’s a long process to re-learn a way of thinking. Not an overnight quick fix. Sometimes I think I get it, and sometimes I know I don’t. I wish that I did not have the fears, as they do indeed impede my ability to serve my master. I am very fortunate to have a master who knows this process, and is patient.

One aspect that I really think plays a key in a happy house is the relationship between the girls prior to the second girl entering the house. A very dear friend of mine will be coming to serve this summer as second girl. We have known her for some time, and I care very much about her. Her happiness and her ability to serve my master well, are important to me. I do not see her as a threat to my place at my master’s feet. when I am approached by other girls who email and ask to be considered… my gut reaction is fear. (Abject terror to be precise)

Another reason why it is so hard for many girls is that we have not come to the full understanding that men love differently than women. Generally a woman will not be in love with multiple men. She may not love the same man her whole life, but for her, if she falls in love with another man while she is with one. The dynamic of her love changes. Depending on what stage she is in, (wanting a partner, or wanting a Master) she will make a choice and will pick one OR the other. Men, inherently can gather many women, and can love them all. For men, it’s not an OR, it’s an AND.

As females it’s hard to comprehend that.

I do hope that I come to a better understanding of this, and of my place as valuable property, subject to the will and pleasures of my master.

I love him helplessly.

In service,

edana

(in reply to subversiveone)

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