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Emmmrld -> RE: poly versus monogamy (4/24/2005 2:08:18 AM)
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This is a long time debated topic, that I do enjoy talking about, mainly because I am looking for more ways to further understand myself as well as others in the lifestyle.
I think that the biggest problem with the term poly is that people use different definitions for that word. If we all use a different set of schema to define the term poly relationship then communication amongst ourselves becomes strained and breaks down. Couple that with people trying to discover who they are, when they know they do not fit into mainstream societal definitions of a sexual being, I think they grab onto partial concepts or what they perceive to be truths with out fully thinking about what it is that they want and are saying. For instance the term intimacy is often confused with sex.
That being said I would like to define the terms I am choosing to use so that those reading can follow along.
Intimate/Intimacy: Merriam-Webster defines this to be - 1) to make known especially publically or formally 2) to communicate delicately and indirectly. In other words, this is a close relationship with another person which may not involve sexual intercourse or stimulation on any level. Intamacy can happen through deep conversations, an understanding, or shared moments. Intimacy can happen between a variety of relationships - friends, lovers, or even family members.
Sexual or Sexual Relationship: Persons engaging in activities to bring one another to satisfy sexually or bring to climax.
Polyamourous Relationships (poly for short): This term means to me that more than two persons (does not matter the gender) are engaged in a relationship (sexual or intimate) with another person(s).
Monogomous Relationships (mono for short): Persons who are in engaged in a relationship with one partner.
Swinging (swing for short): Sexual encounters which generally happen with coupled partners who swap partners for an evening of sexual encounters. May or may not have re-occuring encounters with the person in either the same night or on other occassions.
Open relationship: This term is really a very vague term that should be defined by those who wish to participate in such a relationship.
The common misconception I think I see/hear with people who are discussing relationships, trying to get to know one another is that they throw out terms, make assumptions but do not define the meanings to the terms they use.
I think that men hear the term poly and think that it is a way to be able to be with more than one woman, which is not the societal norm. The problem with this is that often times (both through observation and perosnal experience) they do not think about the responsibilities that come with being a poly partner requires huge amounts of communication, responsibility and time.
"I don't share well" ... The common analogy I've heard from many of my poly friends about poly relationships is that it is like a family situation. Parents who have more than one child love all of their children equally - just in different ways because each child is different.
I have found that it is rare to meet someone who has been able to make a poly relationshp work. I would say that was because of the lack of communication and ability to make each person in the relationship feel as though they have a place to be. Using the parenting analagy - my parents have both done their best to spend time with us as a family unit as well as with each child to develop those bonds with us individually. Sure there were times that I felt my brother got more attention than me, as my brother has said the same in return. Those are NATURAL feelings that we experience. However, my parents always tried to be mindful of this and always tried to plan accordingly. For instance if my brother spent time with my dad camping, my mother would do something fun with me.
Now, the interesting thing to this is that there are two persons who can distribute the attention to make each person feel special. I've often speculated if poly works best/most successful where there is a couple, who are secure in a relationship with themselves but do not have matching kinks. I think of some friends of mine who he is a male dom who is VERY happily married to a woman who as it turns out is a domme as well. They have shared that they tried to sub to the other only to find out that was not their kink. They both have submissives. While they do play outside of their relationships with their submissives, to my knowledge their sexual relationships are only with each other and their respective subs. One of the subs is a married woman whose husband is not kinky at all. Again, they are happily married, but do not have matching kinks. I have yet another friend who is married and involved with poly partnerships.
The one common thing that all the couples that I have referenced is that they took the time to build a strong foundation with one another, communicate and continue to communicate to make it work. Often times I have met men that from the start of the relationship want to engage in various types of poly relationships - from intimate to sexual, rather than build a strong relationship where that c/would come later down the road.
I've had many poly people in my time try to explain poly life to me in that way. Yet they do not want to stop and hear my definitions for terms, what I am looking for only hear that I am mono and then try to "convert" me. This drives me completely insane. They do not like people not knowing/understanding their way of life but seem to lack the same courtesy. It mainly comes when I state that I would like to build a relationship with someone and not be poly or state that I'm mono. I do not see anything wrong with wanting to build a solid foundation in a relationship before inviting others in.
Another misconception I've run accross is that if you play a scene once with more than one person that you are some how deemed poly. NOOO. Have people missed the concept of fantasy fullfillment? Fantasies do not mean that is how you want your relationship to be all the time.
Trust and communication are not things that just happen in a relationship. These are things that are built over time, through actions and words. I've heard that "oh you don't trust me", well if you can't be straight with me, can't tell me you are seeing someone, can't communicate what it is you WANT to be doing with me or another, then why should I trust you? Because you are dominant and say to? Reality is that it doesn't matter if you are in a relationship that involves swinging, poly, open, bdsm or other trust and communication must happen for it to be successful and fullfilling. Trust and communication can only happen when all partners in the relationship are dedicated to understanding their partner (regarless of their chosen role) and working towards making the relationship work.
ALL relationships take work. Poly and open ones taking more work than mono relationships, in my opinion because there are more personalities and dynamics involved in making it successful. Too often I have noticed that those claiming to be poly rarely have their own life in control. I often wonder how the hell they think they are going to engage in a poly relationship that engages in controlling others when they can't maintain everyday life responsibilities.
For me personally, I am mono in my relationships. I am open to having open or poly relationships however, I would really like to find someone who is willing to spend some time in focusing their attention on me and not trying to spread it between others. To me it is critical that when you are building a relationship that you actually spend time doing so and not spread yourself thin focussing on too many different things. Sure I have fantasies that involve more than one person and would love to enjoy those but that doesn't mean that I want to do that every Friday night. ;)
I think for the poly communities to be better understood by those that are more mono in relationships there should be some deeper understanding that while it is perfectly ok for poly folks to be poly, it is also ok for mon folks to be mono. :) Maybe the approach should be one of trying to educate, but listen to a persons concerns and experiences before passing judgement that they do not understand the poly lifestyle. Also, I think that educating people on terms of use with in poly communities needs to happen. There are far to many people thinking poly means one night stand, harem, ok to cheat on my wife and it does not.
Cheers!
~Emerald
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