RE: Vanilla partners

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RE: Vanilla partners

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RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 8:09:10 PM

proudsub

Posts: 3896
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Back in the day, about 9 years ago, I fooled around on IRC on #cybersex. I got a huge kick out of it. The whole thing was new and fun. I never thought I was cheating because there was no real intimacy or love or affection or bonding in cybersex.

I had several cyber partners several years ago. I think hubby actually benefitted from it because i learned some new technigues (first time i swallowed with hubby was after learning about it in cybersex, and he loved it), and it made me horny a lot more often. Cybering actually woke up my sensual side, taught me that i still "had it" in my 50's LOL. If it hadn't been for my cyber experiences i would never have learned about bdsm and my submissive nature. I no longer cyber but i do discuss sex and my interests with several online friends.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

(in reply to January)

Post #: 21

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 8:38:54 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 1290
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Another question--is cyber sex infidelity?

After railing about the evils of the Internet for years (while I worked in cyberspace supporting her) my ex-wife became addicted to having cybersex.

She showed me some of the logs one time. She was not even particularly articulate
or interesting.

I didnt mind her doing that. What I minded was the fact that I worked my keister off supporting our family while the house and children deteriorated into rampant disarray because that is ALL she did while I was working and the nose-miners were in school.

Infidelity is being unfaithful to one's partner. It is not just sex. Our agreement was I would do X and she would do Y and to be faithful to the other meant keeping the agreements we had made.

She did not do that, so technically she was unfaithful to the relationship.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"Why am I surrounded by fricking idiots?" Dr. Evil

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle, 44th Vice President of the United States

(in reply to January)

Post #: 22

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/22/2004 12:03:28 PM

Dunimos

Posts: 22
Joined: 4/29/2004
Status: offline

January,

"In my opinion, I think bdsm outside marriage is cheating no matter what the gender. And it's a serious infidelity because bdsm is more intimate and intense than mere sex. "

So by that do you also mean that having multiple partners would be infidelity even though your spouse is knowledgeable and perhaps it is part of your BDSM?

(in reply to January)

Post #: 23

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/22/2004 2:33:59 PM

January

Posts: 360
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dunimos

January,

"In my opinion, I think bdsm outside marriage is cheating no matter what the gender. And it's a serious infidelity because bdsm is more intimate and intense than mere sex. "

So by that do you also mean that having multiple partners would be infidelity even though your spouse is knowledgeable and perhaps it is part of your BDSM?

Yes. But only for me.

_____________________________

Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm but the harm does not interest them. -- T. S. Eliot

(in reply to Dunimos)

Post #: 24

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/23/2004 12:25:21 AM

rain

Posts: 319
Joined: 4/13/2004
Status: offline

Fascinating thread.

Although i'm not in a vanilla nor D/s relationship right now; many folks i've met in the lifestyle have decided to have play partners outside of their relationship, but remain sexually monogamous.

i have limited relationship experience both in vanilla and D/s, however, i'm finding that i prefer to keep my worlds seperate. For example, i'm negoiating the terms for serving friends of mine who are a couple, she is a switch, he is a Dom, and they were unsure as to how i wanted this arrangement to work.

As i told her, b/c i am friends with her, i would feel LESS comfortable with her Domming me than i would with her partner, who i've met, but don't know as well.

Not sure why this works for me, but it does. For my friends, this is something they worked out together in order to get their needs met; so they don't consider having "play partners" as cheating, but then again- they have a D/s relationship...

Not sure if this makes sense, it's after 2 am and i've had a few glasses of wine....

Guess what i'm saying is: to each their own.

Cheers,

~rain~

_____________________________

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. - James Dean

(in reply to January)

Post #: 25

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/27/2004 5:04:26 PM

dixiedumpling

Posts: 451
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: southeast Mississippi
Status: offline

You aren't telling me anything new. I KNOW I'm cheating on my husband and it does grind on my conscience. However, I would like one line inserted into marriage vows: "each partner shall accommodate the other's desires so long as it does not do permanent harm and all acts are consentual".
As an aside, I've begun to work harder on his education on this subject. Maybe he'll get it this time. I think a paddle for him for our anniversary next month is in order.

(in reply to rain)

Post #: 26

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/30/2004 2:22:02 PM

aemtmom

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/30/2004
From: Greensboro North Carolina
Status: offline

I am a submisive who wants my husband to be dominate over me 5 years ago we were in this life style big time he was a great Dom. We went to bdsm gatherings we played in public.

I became pregnant with our second child during the scening and playing now that my 5 year old will be off to school and we have a seperate place to have a dungeon . My husband does not want to get back into this life style. He is not afraid of me becomming pregnant again I had a complete emergency hysterectomy after the baby was born.

My husband was really into the scene he made the crosses a stockade a spnking bench and we bought one of the swings that hang form the ceiling . He made a permanent cross a transport cross and then tons of paddles. we even got into the violet wand stuff and some electro play bound and gaged. We had tons of fun. Now I am in complete misery he knows how much I want to get back into this.

I tried to put this life style out of my head tried everyhting but I still long for it.

Any advice on how to get him back into this.

Thank you for reading ,
jane

(in reply to January)

Post #: 27

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/30/2004 2:31:52 PM

proudsub

Posts: 3896
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I became pregnant with our second child during the scening

Was this with your husband or another play partner?

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

(in reply to aemtmom)

Post #: 28

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/30/2004 3:07:47 PM

aemtmom

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/30/2004
From: Greensboro North Carolina
Status: offline

This was with my hubby. Everything I do is with him. I talked to a few subs and they thought I should play with out him but to me that is cheating we have been married 14 years.

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 29

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/30/2004 3:16:52 PM

January

Posts: 360
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Have you asked your hubby why he's not interested any more?

_____________________________

Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm but the harm does not interest them. -- T. S. Eliot

(in reply to aemtmom)

Post #: 30

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/30/2004 3:33:10 PM

aemtmom

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/30/2004
From: Greensboro North Carolina
Status: offline

He just tells me its in the past . The sad thing about I'm not but 33. I could understand it if I was old and had heart trouble. But I'm young and healthy.

He is 4 years older than me so maybe its a male hormone thing. Plus he is working alot these days.

He never really gives me a straight answer why we can't get back into it.

We never lived it 24/7 because of kids but once in a while would satisfy me.

(in reply to January)

Post #: 31

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/30/2004 5:07:59 PM

January

Posts: 360
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

aemtmom,

I really think the key to "convincing" your husband is to first find out why he's not interested.

There are so many possibilities... I guess having more conversations about this issue would help (without the kids around). Ask gently, non-accusing, and be very sensitive to his expressions, tone of voice, hesitations etc.... It might be revealing. Especially if you make some suggestions as to why he might be reluctant. Like "Do you want to start slower?" or "Would having the kids out of the house make it easier?" or "Are you afraid someone will find out?" (You would be better at guessing these possible reasons than me...)

You know, having three kids myself, I sometimes think my last two kids were miracles--how did we find the strength or time for ordinary sex?

bdsm takes even more effort!

You don't need to reply to this on the board, but is everything okay in the vanilla intimacy department? If not, that could give you a clue as to why scening isn't happening.

Hope this helps just a little,

Jan

_____________________________

Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm but the harm does not interest them. -- T. S. Eliot

(in reply to aemtmom)

Post #: 32

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/31/2004 3:00:40 AM

Sinergy

Posts: 1290
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Another question--is cyber sex infidelity? My personal opinion on that is that it is an enhancement of self-pleasuring, more like playing with a video running. But i know a lot won't agree.

Cyber sex, to me, is not infidelity. Having cyber-sex all day long while your husband works himself sick working two jobs so the stay-at-home mother with teenage children in school all day can shop on-line while she is having cybersex, then paying somebody else to do anything around the house, and then being extremely boring and unimaginative in the bedroom, to me, is infidelity.

Wait, am I sharing too much of my personal history again?

Back to your regularly scheduled thread.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"Why am I surrounded by fricking idiots?" Dr. Evil

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle, 44th Vice President of the United States

(in reply to January)

Post #: 33

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/31/2004 7:34:18 AM

aemtmom

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/30/2004
From: Greensboro North Carolina
Status: offline

My vanilla life is wonderful. I have no complaints in that department.

We did last night get the kids to bed earlier than normal and we had a great talk. Longer than we had in months. He just didn't realize how much of the BDSM lifestyle I missed and we did play a liitle some last night. I think he missed it.

He will consider getting back into the scening. He does want to go to some local BDSM groups. He just doesnt have the time and with our house being built he has to be on top of that too so he stays so physically tired all the time he did say when things slow down he will think about it some more.

He did agree we have to many things he has built for it to sit there and go to waste.

Janurary think you for all the advice I used some of the questions you asked me and he really talked to me.

It looks promising .
Jane

(in reply to January)

Post #: 34

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/31/2004 8:06:49 AM

January

Posts: 360
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Jane,

Yay!

Jan

< Message edited by January -- 5/31/2004 8:07:16 AM >

_____________________________

Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm but the harm does not interest them. -- T. S. Eliot

(in reply to aemtmom)

Post #: 35

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/31/2004 11:55:19 PM

ShadeDiva

Posts: 999
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

Oh how wonderful!!

Good luck with everything!!

~ShadeDiva

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My projects of love:
theFetishForums
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Kinked
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(in reply to January)

Post #: 36

RE: Vanilla partners - 6/1/2004 12:03:25 AM

MistressKiss

Posts: 296
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

It is always great to be partnered with a dominant who allows his/her submissive to speak up and talk when there are issues. There is a big difference between a submissive whining about what she/he wants as opposed to openly discussion what she/he needs. Sometimes the dominant just does not realize how deep a certain act is needed by the submissive, and often it is critical to who they are or perceive themselves to be as a submissive. As we have said so many times, communication must be open, freely exchanged and encouraged. Best wishes to you as you communicate with your dominant to receive what your heart and soul must have to reach the levels the union can take you.

_____________________________

"I assure you, Your Honor, I don't have to practice...I'm very good at them..."
(The Marquis de Sade at one of his trials for the sexual perversities he practiced)

(in reply to aemtmom)

Post #: 37

RE: Vanilla partners - 6/16/2004 12:14:56 PM

January

Posts: 360
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

A bump!

Plus a link to a discussion on converting a vanilla partner (with great advice from Lawrence) on the Ask a Master thread: http://www.collarme.com/forum/tm.asp?m=10635&mpage=1&key=tie⦷

January

_____________________________

Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm but the harm does not interest them. -- T. S. Eliot

(in reply to MistressKiss)

Post #: 38

RE: Vanilla partners - 6/17/2004 9:37:08 AM

Voltare

Posts: 467
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dixiedumpling

How can I explain the why's when there aren't any? It just is. That's his main problem. He doesn't understand that sometimes there is no good reason; it's just personal preference.

Just my opinion, but I really believe that there is an answer to why in everything - the problem is in finding the answer, or understanding it. Psychologists have spent more then a little time trying to understand 'why' people enjoy 'abnormal' behavior - but in the end, there are more people with abnormal behavior, then there are 'normal' people. I would say great job in being open and honest with your husband about what you want - many people spend their whole lives hiding their strongest desires and feelings from the people who they should be closest to.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dunimos

I would be curious to know what people think / feel about women subs or Dommeswho go outside of marriage to fulfill their BDSM verses men Dom or subs who do the same. Is their a difference to you?

Nope. Cheating is cheating, so the culpability carries the same weight. As I mentioned in the last paragraph, hiding what you really want from the people who should love you most is never a good thing. In the end, instead of protecting the person from harm (as proudsub tried to do) you end up with the potential for damage far above and beyond anything you had hoped for. Imagine if you had a husband or wife for ten years, and THEY saw your picture on the net??

As for the BDSM without sex - I don't see it as infidelity in terms of sex, but it is cheating on an intimate and emotional level.

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillserveu

Who cares if "a lot" agree or not. The only opinion that matters in that case is your spouse's.

Said perfectly. If I know that my spouse would be livid and felt betrayed if I was having cybersex, then by god it's infidelity. It has nothing to do with the physical or intellectual interaction - it's the fact that you are behaving in a fashion that you had agreed - either actively or by de facto - not to behave in. Jan has the right idea as well - it's not just what you want, but what you and your partner/spouse/lover/favoritestuffedanimal want, when you are in a relationship.

In the end, I don't think fidelity has anything to do with sex. It has everything to do with making committments, promises, and agreeing on the parameters of a relationship. If I date a woman, and we agree that part of our relationships will be that we are both free to have sex with other women - then either of us having sex with another man would be 'cheating.' It's not about convention - it's about mutual agreement of the rules. The 'traditional' model, is that there is one man, one woman, and nobody else. Anything beyond that is not only worthy of, but desperately in need of discussion and agreement before it takes place.

Then again, we aren't all saints here - I know I've knowingly and willingly done things that I know my previous partners would dislike, or outright leave me for if they had found out. We all make mistakes - but that doesn't mean we shouldn't strive to live the best we can.

Stephan

_____________________________

[GEEK] Me [/GEEK]
"There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness" - Nietzsche
[image]http://img2.exs.cx/img2/7251/voltare-death.gif[/image]

(in reply to dixiedumpling)

Post #: 39

RE: Vanilla partners - 6/18/2004 9:33:39 AM

DomRaymond

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/7/2004
Status: offline

A male hormone thing because he is older?????? LMAO. Get a life dear. Sit down and talk with your hubby and find out why he really dosent want to get back into the lifestyle. If he had a change of mind about it then accept it and move on. Sounds like you are trying to force him back into it.

(in reply to Voltare)

Post #: 40

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