Why go poly? (Full Version)

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EmeraldSlave2 -> Why go poly? (3/18/2005 4:41:24 AM)

Why do I hear so many stories of subs getting involved with poly situations when they aren't really comfortable with it? When they are just settling to be with the dom? Why do monogamous subs try so hard and work so much to be in situations that aren't suited for them?

And why do poly doms work so hard to get people in relationships where the other person is clearly monogamous?

I'm poly. I've been told by a vanilla friend that I'm open to everything EXCEPT monogamy and that's the truth. I'd never even consider a monogamous owner (unless I were sold or given away obviously) since I know it wouldn't be right for me.

So what's with all the square pegs trying to fit into round holes which end up with no one happy and scorn for "poly" as a whole?



teachmetobeg -> RE: Why go poly? (3/18/2005 5:13:18 AM)

i was never exposed to poly before i met Sir. (Well other than the stories that float about) i do not think i can make a judgement on some thing unless i have experience with it. Poly is actually working out better than i thought it would.



stormsfate -> RE: Why go poly? (3/18/2005 5:44:02 AM)

I have no idea. IMO, tt seems if someone simply isn't suited to poly trying to make them fit is a recipe for a lot of pain and disaster.

On the other hand, if an owner likes constant high drama in his/her life...that would certainly be a way to get it...lol.



best regards,
f



sweetpleaser -> RE: Why go poly? (3/18/2005 6:08:36 AM)

Very good post Emerald! I was wondering the same thing. I am not poly and have said so on many occasions. I am not against others who are poly. I was frustrated with subs/slaves who feel guilty for not wanting to be poly. They have nothing to feel guilty about. They are simply not wired for that. I have told them in the past that it is okay not to share. I feel for the subs/slaves who thought they were in monogamous relationships and He brings up the idea of poly later. They are stuck because they love Him and want him to be happy but they have to forego their own contentment. Why can't people just be okay with how they are and not feel guilty because they can't get comfortable with a different situation?



GingerleeDREAD -> RE: Why go poly? (3/18/2005 6:45:01 PM)

quote:

RE: Why go poly?

everyone experiances new things from differant perspectives.
poly for many is no different and is something new to be tested
and tried to be learned and experianced in order to know if it is
a desire or dread.
why become a sub?
why serve a Man?
there are many woman whom chime up quick and say they dont
like this either and yet still do it daily and have no connection to
BDSM what so ever or submission! JMPO



sexysubbunny -> RE: Why go poly? (3/19/2005 8:24:08 AM)

i tried poly for 5months with a wonderful Master, became collared and expereinced some very beautiful things with him.! but from the very beginning there were extreme issues extending from his alpha with jealousy and constant competition to win him over! I walked away from a very tough and hurtful situation, i lost someone i cared very deeply for, but the whole situation became unbearable due to her insecurities! i learned a lesson and learned a great deal in that 5 months! If considering a 3 way poly, consider the hurtful consequences very hard! its going to take this bunny quite sometime to get over this wonderful loving Master that i became so close to! i certainly do miss him! and know that he misses me terribly too!
Life holds many un-expected changes and challenges, and the good lord just may bring US back to each other again in the future! i can only pray!
but for now life goes on and bunny learns to become even stronger and feeling more dignity from having had this experience!
She loved her Master very devotedly!

chalk up one to experience!!
Just glad i was strong enough to walk away...



terah -> RE: Why go poly? (3/19/2005 9:12:40 AM)

I agree Emerald. Why do so many doms try to entice a sub into poly when most don't have a clue themselves. I've been in a poly for 7 coming up this April and I have had another dominant come into my life who stated he was poly also. The more I got to know him the more i realized all he wanted was to cheat not poly. He would talk to women behind my back say i was just a friend or a roommate, but to other men i was his sub/slave. This guy is screwed up that I told him work on us before bringing another person into it. Because as you know a poly needs a solid foundation with open honesty.

I think there are so many submissive desparate for find a dom that they fall for the romance and get lead by if you are truly or want to be my sub/slave you will do XYZ. Some will even state that they are bi-sexual and have fantasies of zoo-play. Obviously a making for a disaster for the submissive. But the "dominant" wins because he gets to play and leave when it doesn't work out and the submissive is the left wondering why, what and how did she ever get that far.

Both are at fault. However it make people who are in a polyamory relationship leary of comtemplating others who state that they do have experience but it was short term or because he wanted me to try it and it was okay.

I can go on and on about the men and women that have come us but it would take too much time.

In short, people should be true to themselves and wait for what they desire. There is no time limit jus enjoy the journey.

Terah



domtimothy46176 -> RE: Why go poly? (3/19/2005 10:52:13 AM)

I have a friend who's a slave, we've known each other for years and have a great deal of mutual respect. I have, on more than one occasion, suggested to her that she's only mono because she doesn't have an informed perspective. I'm not trying to "trick" her into joining the household but I do believe, based on the totality of what I know about her, believe she would find poly rewarding if she could get past her initial prejudices. I wouldn't run around willy-nilly, telling the mono majority to "try it, you'll like it" or try to dom a mono sub into poly. If I knew someone well enough to have an informed opinion, on the other hand, and was convinced that their aversion to poly was based on faulty assumptions, I might suggest she give it a trial period before blindly ruling it out.
Timothy



ScooterTrash -> RE: Why go poly? (3/20/2005 3:37:50 AM)

I don't know so much if the majority of the time it is the square pegs trying to fit the round holes, as it is simply a lack of knowlege. I liken it to spinach, how do you know for sure you don't like it if you haven't tried it. I feel there are many who are curious but afraid to take that leap, perhaps the trial period is a good idea, but is a litte scary. Is in a way the beauty of the lifestyle, you have to take some chances and push limits. I do agree however that if there is apprehension, it is not something that can be forced until the time is right and the mindset is open to the idea. Personally, given the chance, I think I could convey the advantages of poly to a sub/slave who was "sitting on the fence", but to attempt to sway someone who was totally against the idea, is simply inviting disaster. A lot of upfront communication must be made prior to entering into any poly relationship, if their peg shape (lol) doesn't conform, it's wiser to part as friends that try to hammer them in.



Blk4u2 -> RE: Why go poly? (3/20/2005 11:02:04 AM)

If they are not poly it eventually will destroy relationships. I have been through that before, and unfortunately its not pleasant because they do eventually develop a scorn for poly and you.



CitizenCane -> RE: Why go poly? (3/20/2005 11:32:15 AM)

Well, it seems to me that a lot of people have prejudices against poly, and various other things. If people did only what they already know they liked, we'd all be be eating strained carrots.
Life is all about change, adaptation, growth. I don't suggest that poly is for everybody, or that D/s is for everybody, or even that having an intimate personal relationship with another person is for everybody. I do know that there's a lot of pretty important things about all these that a person won't find out without at least a peripheral experience of them. Does that mean that everybody should do these things, even when they don't want to? Absolutely not. But for some people, they are the right thing even when they don't see it themselves- kinda like rehab [;)].

I've talked to quite a few people who 'know' that poly is not for them because they tried it and, like sexybunny, had a bad experience. These same people have had many failed monogamous relationships, but don't apply the same reasoning there. I think every relationship has it's particular qualities- thinking in categories is always limiting.




ShiftedJewel -> RE: Why go poly? (3/22/2005 4:57:44 PM)

I just don't see any huge difference between being poly and being monogamous... both take work, open communication, trust and understanding. Ok, so the poly might take more work... I don't want to seem insensitive here, but so does raising a child with "special" problems or handicaps and if you talk to the parents of such a child they will tell you the same thing.. it's worth it.

Yes there is a stigma attached to being poly, I think it's because so many don't understand it. But is there really that major concern about jealousy? I don't think there is if everyone involved is completely open and honest. If you feel that you are not getting the attention you either need or deserve you should talk about it, and if that doesn't work... maybe this isn't where you belong. But that doesn't mean you don't belong in a poly environment. Just as CitizenCane said, most people have many failed monogamous relationships before they find the right one but they don't just automatically give up on finding what they want/need.

Jewel



domtimothy46176 -> RE: Why go poly? (3/22/2005 9:05:23 PM)

I think you hit on a key component, ShiftedJewel, in the fact that open honesty is critical. I think some fail to be open and honest with themselves and are, therefore, incapable of being so with others. Some seem to have stopped analyzing themselves long before they attained a good understanding of ~why~ they want to be in the lifestyle. IMO, understanding our underlying motivations gives us a better chance at success. I used to think it was common sense. I've learned that's not always the case.
Timothy



diaperedbaby -> RE: Why go poly? (4/3/2005 9:15:34 AM)

Wow
I am just starting to read on this and seeing if it is something for me or not.
Alot of dynamics in place for sure.
I like the idea in fantasy but wonder how it would work 24/7?
I need to learn more I think



timorous -> Need to learn more? (4/13/2005 2:18:34 AM)



I'm out of the relationship now, unfortunately, but worked for me because they (Master and other sub) both worked during the day, and really hard, out of the house... which is a very big house.... and I was the house slave... which I am good at and really love... I loved serving them both in that way....

And also... I'm an excellent administrator and PA and so was able to do all the office work.

So all my strengths were used and I know they were valued... I got to enjoy the cameraderie of another woman... and I really loved that... and she smelt good and felt good too.

And I got off on seeing them together... she obviously makes Him happy. Doesn't mean that I didn't. I know I did. But I know that she does moreso. I love seeing him/them relaxed and happy.

Everyone needs to be on the same page.... knowing what you want is a good start. And try to have self-confidence..... relationship problems can seem magnified because there are more people involved. If you know yourself it makes it easier to communicate.



Sheba -> RE: Why go poly? (4/13/2005 3:49:04 PM)

Well thats a simple one. We fall in love with the person...and we push ourselves to fit into the peg hole in order to please him/her. Especially when its a case of if you dont fit you will be left behind....pushed out... or have any angry annoyed Dom all the time.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Why go poly? (4/14/2005 7:36:09 AM)

quote:

Well thats a simple one. We fall in love with the person...and we push ourselves to fit into the peg hole in order to please him/her. Especially when its a case of if you dont fit you will be left behind....pushed out... or have any angry annoyed Dom all the time.


Ok, I've thought about this for a long time now and I have to say that you have a very negative outlook on this. If your Dominant cares so little about your feelings on the matter then perhaps you are with the wrong one. I would have to wonder what else he/she cares so little about?

No poly relationship is going to work if ALL the participants aren't willing to work together as a team, communicate openly about their feelings and respect each one as an individual with separate feelings and faults. I would never consider bring another submissive/slave into a relationship where there was going to be resentment or jealousy from the first one. Whether or not there is a tight emotional bond between the initial couple they should still be fully aware of each others feelings and needs. Aside from the fact that the submissives would never be happy with each other, the Dominant would have to contend with both of them on a daily basis. To decide without discussing it with the current subbie is just asking for trouble.

Jewel



ansfrid -> RE: Why go poly? (4/15/2005 7:05:16 PM)

I am poly, but I am not one of those that seems to have the opinion it is some kind of higher ideal, a more perfect model. Hogwash. Some people want monogamy, it's what they are comfortable with. I'd ask any of them not to condemn me for my poly-ness, but I will utterly respect their mono-ness.

No poly person has the right to try and push poly on someone not ready for it. If they are receptive, you can certainly talk about it, you can gush at how wonderful it is for you, and maybe, they will change their mind, but no one should expect it.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Why go poly? (4/16/2005 6:13:24 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ansfrid

I am poly, but I am not one of those that seems to have the opinion it is some kind of higher ideal, a more perfect model. Hogwash. Some people want monogamy, it's what they are comfortable with. I'd ask any of them not to condemn me for my poly-ness, but I will utterly respect their mono-ness.

No poly person has the right to try and push poly on someone not ready for it. If they are receptive, you can certainly talk about it, you can gush at how wonderful it is for you, and maybe, they will change their mind, but no one should expect it.



I'm not sure here if you were just replying in general or specifically to me... I think I just said the same thing though... No I don't set it at a higher ideal and no I don't consider it a more perfect model, I consider it right for me and mine....

Jewel



ScooterTrash -> RE: Why go poly? (4/16/2005 6:50:35 AM)

quote:

I am poly, but I am not one of those that seems to have the opinion it is some kind of higher ideal, a more perfect model. Hogwash.
This is true, it certainly is not some upper echelon thing, it is only another structure to the lifestyle. I think all we can do is offer what information we know to those who are curious and answer questions as they come up. To push it as being a better way, well that is ludicrous...is no different than if someone tried to tell me that mono is the only way to go, I would balk, been there-done that. WE are very adapted, no, actually comfortable with a poly environment as we see the advantages for us. It fits our wants, cravings and needs perfectly, but to those who have a different agenda, perhaps mono is the perfect environment for them. Is a mutual respect of choices.



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