Primary/Non-Primary

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EmeraldSlave2 -> Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 11:02:39 AM)
Woohoo! New forum, my very first post in it and my very first thread starter on collarme. So I am in a semi-unique situation. My poly situation is not the typical "one dom/two or a few subs." We're a connected family, far more like a solar system, with defined orbits and new people that can come and go, sometimes interrelated among us sometimes just connected to one of us. Even more interesting I find is that my primary partner is the Owner, he takes priority above anyone else. No matter what else is going on, if he is in need, that comes first. However I am not his primary partner. His primary partner is the sub he has lived with for over a decade. Even more interestingly obviously is that my boyfriend is not my primary partner, but I am his. I also date a guy who has a primary partner out west which is long distance. So I'm interested in hearing about others in this situation, not particularly a "heirarchy system" of alpha/beta slaves and such, but just how "non-standard" primary/priority situations exist and how you go through life together.

stormsfate -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 11:21:18 AM)
Our secondary has a primary, so we are also her secondaries. (First cousin twice removed on her father's mother's aunt's side of the family). <giggling> That's what I always think of whenever anyone starts trying to explain their poly dynamic. I have seen few that are the same in the mainstream poly community, although they do tend to be more similar within the lifestyle to some extent. EmeraldSlave2...do I know you from elselist? Your scenario seems awfully familiar to me...as do some of your posts. best regards, fate

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 11:50:39 AM)
Yeah we share a bunch of yahoo lists together, in fact we emailed when you first started with the poly thing to discuss some issues.

stormsfate -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 12:14:24 PM)
I thought that was you. You just can't hide...lol, although I dumped all my yahoo groups the other day. best regards, f

BeachMystress -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 12:22:50 PM)
:-) Congrats on your first thread, Emerald. I'll not have much to add here, since my experience with Poly convinced me I am monogamous. I was just checking out the new board, and your enthusiasm made me smile, so I wanted to say congrats.

SweetDommes -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 1:42:55 PM)
We are quite unusual as well, in that we don't really have primary/secondary overall ... if I was forced to choose between the relationships, Holly is where I would go, but I can't see that ever happening. We are a family - a small family at that (which also seems to be unusual, since we aren't interested in having a 'stable' of subs), and in our family, no one has any more importance overall than any other.

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 2:22:04 PM)
First I wanna thank them for putting this here!!! I'm all jazzed now.. lmao. Our household is Scooter and I, both Dominants, and our submissive(s). I have a male submissive and he (Scooter) is searching for a female. We believe that there has to be an emotional bond between all of us and the key to that is being about to talk about anything in a very open environment. My primary relationship is with Scooter, gentle_giants primary relationship is with me, just as whoever Scooter finds her primary relationship will be with him. quote: (First cousin twice removed on her father's mother's aunt's side of the family). I don't think I could have put it any clearer then that! lol I'm just really happy to see this board here, I really think it's an excellent idea because there are many issues that arise in a poly relationship that need to be discussed and this way everyone will know where... Jewel

stormsfate -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 3:50:17 PM)
quote: (which also seems to be unusual, since we aren't interested in having a 'stable' of subs) I really don't find your situation unusual at all. It is interesting to me that you view it as a "stable of subs", though. This does not seem take into consideration the actual relationships that may be present within the dynamic and seems a very flippant phrase to me. Then again...maybe I've been hanging out with the vanilla poly folk too long. We started out in a closed poly-fi triad, and I think the one of the primary reasons my owner is even willing to consider the possibility of adding someone else to the dynamic is for my benefit. Our oso isn't local, so at best we can only see her once every three to four weeks, providing life doesn't get in the way. I wanna shop....I wanna hang out...I wanna snuggle...I want girl talk...lol. best regards, fate

SweetDommes -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 3:59:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: stormsfate I really don't find your situation unusual at all. It is interesting to me that you view it as a "stable of subs", though. This does not seem take into consideration the actual relationships that may be present within the dynamic and seems a very flippant phrase to me. Then again...maybe I've been hanging out with the vanilla poly folk too long. I'd have to point out that the reason we call it that is because we have been asked many many times if we are going to have a "stable" and most seem relieved that we don't want one because most that they have talked to have wanted that (whether it was one Dominant or Two). We don't consider it to be a flippant phrase, and we honestly don't have any issues with anyone who does have/want a stable (just for the record) it just isn't for us. My comment about it (and the fact that it seems to be unusual) is based upon experience - it seems to be unusual that we are in a poly relationship, but don't want a stable - that is what we have seen/heard from numorous sources and I stand by my statement that it seems to be unusual.

stormsfate -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 5:06:35 PM)
Thank you for clarifying your thoughts further, SweetDommes. It does help me understand a bit more where you are coming from, and although I still can't seem to view it as unusual as there seems to be lots of poly-fi folks around, I do understand that that has been your experience. Not sure why your comment touched a nerve...well, actually I do. It is frustrating to me that people tend to view a male dominant with more than one slave/submissive/girl as having or desiring a "stable". My owner could care less about that... he's a bit past the age of teenage wet dreams and bases his decisions on other factors...but this is my issue, not yours :) Emerald...you've been doing this poly thing a heck of a lot longer than I have, but have you found that the bdsm poly community looks at poly much differently than the vanilla poly community? Just by virtue of the O/p or D/s dynamic, it would necessarily be in some ways, but in general, the way it is viewed seems very different to me, as well as the reasons people came to a poly lifestyle. It actually almost seems to be a spiritual thing or to have developed into one for a lot of people I've met. best regards, fate

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 7:17:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: stormsfate My owner could care less about that... he's a bit past the age of teenage wet dreams and bases his decisions on other factors...but this is my issue, not yours :) Hmmm I see a lot of merit in keeping hold of those teenage wet dreams personally...though perhaps not in making adult life long term decisions. quote: Emerald...you've been doing this poly thing a heck of a lot longer than I have, but have you found that the bdsm poly community looks at poly much differently than the vanilla poly community? Absolutely. People in bdsm are about power, they have the same hang ups about sex and relationships as any vanilla person. I can't TELL you how often I've been told by people IN the scene that the Owner just wants me as a trophy sub, that my master can't possibly love us both, that the other woman will always just tolerate me, and even that my goal is so really get the dom alone! Of course....lots of people who try poly DO do that so I can't really blame them. But yes it can be terribly hard for monogamous people to grok poly and its ways and means, even if they are into bdsm. But then...its terribly hard for us who ARE poly to make it work well so kudos to those who sincerely try.

MistressMiss -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/17/2005 7:52:21 PM)
I am in a poly lifestyle, and from what I have ascertained so far, there are alot of people that look down on it. I truly believe as a Dominant female with a husband who is a Dominant male that adding the submissive female into our lives is imperitive to our well being as a couple. The constant power taking from the 2 Dominants leaves little room for the sensual ( not sexual) side. The doting and pampering that neither one of us seem to be able to give. That is where a submissive comes in for us. she achieves in the relationship the sensual giving and pleasing nature that neither my husband or myself can do. I do want a submissive for 24/7 live in, and not in a slave capacity, but in a relationship capacity. That we can all love each other without competition, and the sub that we find that can fit that, will have a lifelong happiness and us in return from her. I have never strayed outside of my marriage unless we were together. Never men, if there was any play it was with women. I prefer women ( as we all know women are the best * wink) I am very happy they put this on this site for those of us who do live poly lifestyles it is important to be able to talk and exchange ideas. Just my 2c worth never leave home without it* MistressMiss

kella -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/18/2005 11:45:42 AM)
i too am new too poly and my Master wants me to have a sister slave or sub. i wasn't thrilled at first but since wehave gotten to know each other better and have had open discussions and know that i'm truly loved and cared for by my Master and me him, i welcome another sis whole heartdly. there is enough love to go around. i know there is a lot more to learn about this kind of relationship but i love my Master and trust that he will guide us in appropriate ways to make this lifestyle a truly meanigful one for all concerned. Master Triclaws_pixie

MasterHarperinTX -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/18/2005 1:37:16 PM)
Thanks for bringing this up as an issue. I hope that I don't step on too many "sacred cows." [8\|] I find it difficult to characterize any lifestyle in only a couple of ways. That is defining too simplisitically. Frankly, there are practically as many different styles as there are couples. Its also possible to move in different styles or types as the relationships mature. Personally I would how many of the "poly" relationships would be more accurately defined as "swinging" or even "cheating" instead of poly. Having and building a relationship that encompasses more of an emotional involvement, than scening or an exchange bodily fluids. To me, poly also entails honesty and open communication between the initial couple and that honesty and trust extends toward the people that join the relationship. [sm=rolleyes.gif]

Manawyddan -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/19/2005 7:13:18 AM)
As Harperin said, there's little commonality among poly relationships. For me ... I have a primary relationship with my fiancee/mother of my child, which is primarily vanilla. This relationship is in its eighth year. I have a secondary relationship with a girlfriend with whom I do painplay and some mild D/s. My girlfriend also has a primary relationship with her Master, with whom she does, um, probably more intense painplay and definitely more intense D/s. This relationship is in its fifth year. In addition, I am open to short-term play with other people, though since becoming involved with the girlfriend I haven't done so. Unfortunately she lives somewhat far from me, so I fantasize about meeting someone more local ... but then time limitations take charge. I have a newborn baby and a girlfriend I only see ever two months ... what time would I have for a tertiary relationship? Once every six months? Hardly seems fair to them. I would like to explore the D/s world in more depth, but feeling rather clueless here. I don't see how to initiate or maintain such a thing when I'd have so little time to devote to them. Sorry, didn't mean to go rambling on about my own issues in answer to your question!

terah -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/19/2005 9:33:34 AM)
WOW!!!!!! I love it. Finally a area that I can definately relate to. I am going on 7 years April 26 in a poly with one male and 4 women. He is my primary but that is going to change. Although I am bi-sexual i have not connct with any of the women as a sexual partner because I am not attracted to them so I have outside partners for that part of my sensuality.[:)]

ScooterTrash -> RE: Primary/Non-Primary (3/21/2005 4:35:45 AM)
Congrats Emerald and I echo SJ's sentiments that I think it can be a good forum. I believe it will be a good place to throw some subjects out that simply wouldn't fit right, in the mainstream boards. No, I won't agree with everyone (ya think? winking at Emerald), but I figure we can keep it civil and learn. Is the beaty of opinions, we should all walk away wiser. ANYWAY...SJ spoke of our current situation, but we have a switch living with us who is relocating soon, who actually at one point was a sub and also had, from all indications, an outside sub of her own. So yes, networking appears to be quite workable as long as everyone is well informed.

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