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RE: Am I being unreasonable?


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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/13/2005 8:34:53 PM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		i think most pepole have an problem whit beng ignored. we submissives just have to put up whit it.

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/13/2005 9:27:06 PM   
Spike1777


Posts: 85
Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

Most submissives that we have run across do have a problem with being ignored - which is why it is an affective means of behavior modification. If they are told that we dislike something, and they do it again anyway, we will typically ignore it - then they will either figure out what they are doing wrong and stop doing it, or they will get pissy and leave ... in which case they wouldn't work out here anyway.



again thiis "behavior modification" ideal is something that I am interested in. It may be off thread, but plzz explain the process in more detail..................lil spike

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/13/2005 11:18:18 PM   
MistressJadeMTL


Posts: 91
Joined: 12/18/2004
From: Montreal, Canada
Status: offline 		I use a form of behaviour modification for my subs. Basically it begins by a process of teaching them my likes, dislikes and the overall care/rules of the Household. Playing in any form is a "reward" to be dispenses at My choosing, not at their request or begging.

I do not use physical discipline as a form of "punishment" because many subs enjoy that; so in effect I would be giving them exactly what they want. Many subs purposely will "rebel" or provide sloppy service in order to receive the "punishment" they crave.

Therefore, I will only have "reward play" for my subs who have shown a certain level of dedication and devotion to service. The type and level of play can range from corporal punishment to bondage/restraints or even CBT, if that is what they (and I) enjoy. We base these reward play sessions on previously discussed and pre-arranged BDSM playlist sheets, keeping within each other's comfort limits.

If they displease me, after having been made familiar with my rules and expectations, they simply do not get any further attention from me. That can range from ignoring them when they try to speak with me that day, to outright dismissal from my Household for the day/week/permanently.

If they behave and serve well, they will eventually get to feel the things/kinks that please them.
If they do not, they do not get what they want, which is any form of attention.

Face it, it if works for cats and kids -- it generally works on subs too... <wink & grin> Just my 2ยข worth based on a few years experience...


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_____________________________

~ Mistress Jade Dragon

Founder, Club Fetish - http://www.ClubFetish.ca
Montreal BDSM/Fetish Calendar of events: http://ClubFetish.ca/calendar

(in reply to Spike1777)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/13/2005 11:38:12 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 1062
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		Exactly Jade.

Spike - behavior modification is just that: modifying behaviors to make them what is wanted. If I want the dishes washed by 4pm every day, then I tell the boy that and if it's done, he earns a reward - if he doesn't, the first time or two I remind him, after that, he gets ignored for awhile. Eventually, the dishes get done by 4pm every day (we don't really require this, it's just an example). Anything that we want done that the boy isn't used to is behavior modification if we train him to do it.

(in reply to MistressJadeMTL)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/14/2005 12:08:35 AM   
faithfulasst


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/28/2005
Status: offline 		The term passive/aggressive keeps running through the lump of grey matter above my shouldersl Is this the type of person You wish to spend Your valuable time with. As a sub male i am well aware of the fact that there are a minimum of several dozen if not hundreds of male subs for every Dominant Woman willing to interact with them.

This guy is fortunate You didn't drop him after being ignored the first time.

But what the hell do i know, absolutely nothing. And the cosmos reminds me of this fact every time i start thinking otherwise!

Peace

(in reply to NATI)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/14/2005 12:27:53 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 1062
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		Yeah, well ... I like to give people the benifit of the doubt - I always have hope for the goodness and intelligence within people (yes, I'm a hopeless optimist and yes, I get burned for it regularly ...)

*edited for clarification*

< Message edited by SweetDommes -- 4/14/2005 12:30:51 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/14/2005 11:37:46 AM   
Spike1777


Posts: 85
Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

Exactly Jade.

Spike - behavior modification is just that: modifying behaviors to make them what is wanted. If I want the dishes washed by 4pm every day, then I tell the boy that and if it's done, he earns a reward - if he doesn't, the first time or two I remind him, after that, he gets ignored for awhile. Eventually, the dishes get done by 4pm every day (we don't really require this, it's just an example). Anything that we want done that the boy isn't used to is behavior modification if we train him to do it.


I am a fine domestic, but only my couch potatoe knows for sure, I do dishes often during the day. And almost a certainly (yzz, i do dishes) more frequently, during the week .....hahahahaha.....................................................................................................



_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/16/2005 3:28:44 AM   
HayaSierra


Posts: 34
Joined: 4/7/2005
From: Far Far Away, but currently living in KS
Status: offline 		Greetings,

Yes, many others have already said it. Topping from the bottom. Once or twice is all right and perhaps to be expected at the beginning, but repeatedly. :(. With me before anyone shares a thought, fantasy, or initiates a conversation not on topic, I am usually asked if I wish to hear about it. If so, they continue on, if not, they shelve it until a later point in time. So when someone would do it the first time with me, I would tell them that it is rude to veer off topic, and that such is not usually tolerated. As for someone who would repeatedly try such with me -- I would see about having them write me a 10 page detailed story, with good plot, memorable characters, handwritten nicely and mailed to me. Of course to assure such would be pleasing to me it would have to be a fantasy of mine. When I feel for it, I would read it, and being a writer it would actually have to be of quality for me to finish it. For me -- if they insist on talking fantasy when such is not desired, they would write such for me for when it is desired. If they ever did it again after that instance, I would likely either discontinue the conversation, drop them from consideration if that is where they were, or discipline/punish them if they were already one of my submissives.


_____________________________

Haya Sierra
Haya Of Ka Azdor Estate --
http://groups.msn.com/Domsub/
Basic Information about the Hanian System of D/s

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/16/2005 1:53:59 PM   
Spike1777


Posts: 85
Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HayaSierra

Greetings,

Topping from the bottom.


Hello, i was wondering if someone would do a post on exactly what "Topping from the bottom." is. I have seen the phrase several times in the forums. It seems like the single most rude action that can be performed by a subie. From a personal point; understanding what not to do only leaves room for understanding what brings fulfillment to the D/s relationship.

respectfully
spike

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to HayaSierra)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/16/2005 3:48:53 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2081
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline 		"Topping from the bottom" is when the sub/slave tries to dictate the scene, telling the dom/me what to do. In doing so the sub or slave (bottom) takes control away from the dominant (top) - it is the complete opposite of the D/s dynamic.

Its not the worst thing that a sub or slave can do... but its one of the more common flaws among newcomers.

_____________________________



(in reply to Spike1777)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/16/2005 5:02:39 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 1291
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: South Bay (LA area), CA - Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spike1777
Hello, i was wondering if someone would do a post on exactly what "Topping from the bottom." is.


I was going to yell at you for not asking me about this last night at the Lair, but I see it is an older post. I hope you feel free to ask me (or G. if you're too embarrassed to talk with a woman about something.) I'm sure MNJ would be happy to answer questions for you also. You're doing great and learning a lot. It's nice to see you progressing. *smiles*

_____________________________

~Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*

http://www.myspace.com/beachmystress
http://www.myspace.com/beachs_toyboy

(in reply to Spike1777)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/16/2005 5:07:59 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 1291
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: South Bay (LA area), CA - Southern California
Status: offline
No, it isn't an older post *smacks spike upside the back of the head like I did to tall greg last night* ASK questions hon! That's what friends are for... I realize things got a lil busy at Coco's before we went over to the Lair, but you're always welcome to ask me if we'd curl up in a corner with you and talk about things. It will be easier once we're in the new apt and can have you over to serve dinner. It will be more conducive to asking questions.
You did well at the Lair last night. Next party, we work on a few other aspects of service. :-)

_____________________________

~Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*

http://www.myspace.com/beachmystress
http://www.myspace.com/beachs_toyboy

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/16/2005 5:39:22 PM   
Spike1777


Posts: 85
Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
Status: offline 		Hi Ms Beach

I loved serving last night. And certainly love being part of the group. I am picking things up slowly and certainly. I am certainly looking forward to serving you a night's dinner. I am sure that you love my cooking, i luv to cook.......

lil spike

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/17/2005 10:01:05 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 524
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		I tend to skip past a lot of the banter once the thread is more than 15 posts or so...

I am curious since this thread was started back in Feb, what became of the sub in question??

I have had conversations such as this. The person I am speaking to insisting on talking to me about their particular kink/fantasy & asking if I liked it. Now I never allowed the talk to happen right at that time. I would tell them to write it all down & email it to me & IF (BIG IF) I was curious to read it, I would when I wanted to. Also I would follow up & say, do not nag me about the subject & if I had anything to say about it, I would let them know.

I also read that your partner was not having the same frustration with this person... maybe she was allowing him to carry on about anything he wanted to chat about. Only an assumption on my part, of course.

At any rate I would be curious to find out what happened with this story & see whether the fellow proved himself to be a selfish pushy bottom or just trying to find compatibility.

MstrssPassion


(in reply to Spike1777)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/17/2005 10:41:01 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 1062
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		The answer to your question is posted in the thread, but I don't blame you for not wanting to wade through everything to find it ...

Long story short - he was no longer under consideration, but was still chatting as a friend. As a friend, he was behaving himself much better until the other night when he started in on his fantasies again. I put a stop to it, and he started attacking me, calling me a selfish bitch and telling me that what Holly and I are looking for doesn't exist. He is now blocked on yahoo and on this site.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/17/2005 4:30:05 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 524
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		sounds like the same ol story

Fox & the grapes

MP

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/17/2005 6:38:00 PM   
jana


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/17/2005
Status: offline 		interested in others thoughts on this..........................i met a Dom a couple of months ago and W/we talked frequently at first. Last month, She had mentioned collaring me just for a party this month on two different occasions. When I brought up the party in an email, she didn't respond to that part of the email. I was asking because the party was out of town, and needed to make travel arrangements. I talked with Her by phone the week before, and She had said that She wasn't sure if She would make it to the party. I never heard back from Her, so i made my own arrangements and went. When i got to the party, She was there with another women. When She didn't respond to my email, and said what She did on the phone, i had a feeling this was why, so i was not shocked. My feelings were hurt, not because She showed up with another women. It was because i felt She was making plans with her the last couple of weeks, and didn't want to tell me. I feel that was inconsiderate. How would Y/ya'll feel?????????????

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/17/2005 7:07:14 PM   
Spike1777


Posts: 85
Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jana

interested in others thoughts on this..........................i met a Dom a couple of months ago and W/we talked frequently at first. Last month, She had mentioned collaring me just for a party this month on two different occasions. When I brought up the party in an email, she didn't respond to that part of the email. I was asking because the party was out of town, and needed to make travel arrangements. I talked with Her by phone the week before, and She had said that She wasn't sure if She would make it to the party. I never heard back from Her, so i made my own arrangements and went. When i got to the party, She was there with another women. When She didn't respond to my email, and said what She did on the phone, i had a feeling this was why, so i was not shocked. My feelings were hurt, not because She showed up with another women. It was because i felt She was making plans with her the last couple of weeks, and didn't want to tell me. I feel that was inconsiderate. How would Y/ya'll feel?????????????



I have a simular story. I met a Domme at the local fetish night here iin Hollywood. Then about a month later I met her online, here on collarme. She invited me to serve domestically at a party at her friend's house. I have a domestic servitude fetish. So I made my fafvorite, chicken cacciatore and everybody loved my cooking and servitude. She was beautiful, Dominant, charming, and controlling so i immediately became infatuated with her.

But my problem is before the party she was communicative, but did not email me for ten days after the party. and only once every two or three days after that. now i have two unread emails sitting in her inbox. my delema is i do not know if she is simply aloof or if i did something wrong and she is ignoring me. But either way time is time and I have put my feelings aside and have one back to my life. Now I have both her and her friends telephone number but as a sub/slave (M/s relationship?) it is not my place to call or even bother her in any fashion about this.

actually i may be lucky on this one. She said in her journal that she is taking her slave to the OWK. I belong to he on-line OWK and those Ladies hit hard. Although (i am a switch) sometimes i like seeing little boys get their lashes......

spike

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to jana)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/17/2005 8:30:49 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 1062
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		I'd be pissed. She led you on and then dropped you without warning. I would have walked up to her and said innocently "oh, I thought you couldn't make it, that's why I came on my own instead of coming with you like we had originally planned" and then turned and walked off to let her explain it to whoever was with her ... but then again, I'm a bitch and I hate to see people being walked on, be it me or someone else.

(in reply to jana)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 4/17/2005 10:22:35 PM   
Spike1777


Posts: 85
Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

I'd be pissed. She led you on and then dropped you without warning. I would have walked up to her and said innocently "oh, I thought you couldn't make it, that's why I came on my own instead of coming with you like we had originally planned" and then turned and walked off to let her explain it to whoever was with her ... but then again, I'm a bitch and I hate to see people being walked on, be it me or someone else.



slave

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 60
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