RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy

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RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy

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RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 9:57:28 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1199
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

I know some wonderful couples whose relationship involves this stuff to varying degrees, who, having found 'the good thing' tend to drift away from the scene, often maintaining just a few close friendships, sometimes having a 'kink friendly' holiday party, sometimes intergrating their more leathery friends into their more mundane circle of friends.

That is thought provoking idea. I have had similar thoughts about the various munches I have been to. It is almost like the 'scene' is really a hook up activity, so of course you are going to get lots of short lived relationships, much like you would if you hung around a singles bar crowd.

Those who do hook-up with the right partner tend to leave the 'scene' and therefore the couples lose visability.

Add the online activity, and you get the impression that BDSMers are commitment-phobes.

As always, thought provoking...

Taggard

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(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 21

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 10:04:42 AM

MsCameron

Posts: 130
Joined: 10/14/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Well said Topcat :)

I think that people getting into the lifestyle are so thrilled to find someone kink compatible that they overlook lack of common ground on other things.

If kink is the only commonality, the relationship will likely fail.

MsC

_____________________________

I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
Spiral out. Keep going, going...
Lateralis.Tool

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 22

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 10:50:10 AM

onceburned

Posts: 2081
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: 247Master
it seems to me that the d/s emphasis on the far more easily repudiated "collaring" versus the more traditional public validation of commitment of engagement and marriage tends to facilitate and even encourage the uncommitted commitments I so often observe.

I may be wrong, but wasn't collaring originally a public ceremony?

_____________________________

(in reply to 247Master)

Post #: 23

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 12:01:38 PM

NATI

Posts: 177
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

So you totally disagree with me. Thats okay, we're all entitled. You did ask a few questions so i thought i might answer them. eh, maybe it was the other post. Anywho, You're right every generation has its up ands and downs. Personally, i prefer the ups and downs of 2 generations ago.

Two generations ago women could not vote. Two generations ago there were lines that snaked all the way down the street and around the corners - for bread. Two generations ago the dust bowl was blowing, and poverty was rampant.

There were sweat shops that paid pennies, and children earned less.

Divorce was not as common, but relationships were defined differently. We were still LARGELY an agricultural society. The demands and strains that our grand parents and great grand parents had to face were considerably different. .

But the bottom line is 'know what you are wishing for'. While divorce may not have been as common, it was also legal to hit your wife. It was legal to rape your wife. It was legal to hit your kids. Children were not percieved as they are today. They were treated like, and expected to act like miniature adults. As soon as a child was old enough to do so, that child was put to work. Cotton picking or coal mine.

I will agree though that our culture has become a culture of instant reward, and disposability. If you don't like it, want it, need it - throw it away. This is true of objects, and this is true of people.

I do not wish for the world that my grandparents had. The air was full of soot and life expectancy was short. What I do however, is take what I can find that I think is valuable, and apply it to my life today.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 24

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 1:30:18 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 2933
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfspet
Wolf and I got together on Oct.17, 1988. I was collared on Oct 17th 1994. I submitted to the marrige on Oct 18th 1997. (the church was booked for the 17th, lol).

While your observations of those you know may be accurate, I know of MANY long term D/s relationships, some 25 years.

Thanks Wolfspet for your note, it's inspiring...
I certainly hope he's wrong because though I am relatively new to this lifestyle, I certainly am not in it for short flings/quickies, I mean what would be the point than? M

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to Wolfspet)

Post #: 25

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 2:26:57 PM

Darthbetta

Posts: 314
Joined: 12/16/2004
Status: offline

I dissagree with Riotgirl.

"SERIOUS" Masters and subs play for keeps. I have been with the same woman for a year now, and have no intentions of "dropping" her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RealityFix
Most d/s 'flings" are based on kinky sex. As soon as there is any sort of issue,or the sex gets boring it's over.

EDITED to read Most PLAYERS and HNG 'flings" are based on kinky sex. As soon as there is any sort of issue,or the sex gets boring it's over

Once there is that "C" word commitment comming into play, then there is a culling of the weak and those of the fake.

I find the concept of a "fling" as fleeting and trivial.... my relationship is far from that.

Never assume the basis of what is one persons relationship goals and interest is that of a vast majority of others.

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(in reply to RealityFix)

Post #: 26

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 3:59:49 PM

RosaB

Posts: 319
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Tangentally, what makes these couple work so well ,IMO, is that they are a couple first, and kinky second. Amoung those that I know, I am sure that they would drop the dynamic in a heartbeat if it threatened thier relationship.

I think that too often in this melieu there are people looking to find the relationship, and then shoehorning themselves and their partner into it, rather than finding the person, their partner, their mate, and building the relationship to fit them both.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

Boy do I agree one hundred percent.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

<have had similar thoughts about the various munches I have been to. It is almost like the 'scene' is really a hook up activity, so of course you are going to get lots of short lived relationships, much like you would if you hung around a singles bar crowd.> Taggard

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How very true.

It's funny, I just had a long discussion on this subject with someone I attended a NYC function with. I myself have made the decision to not start relationships via bdsm munches, boards, or any other venue pertaining to the scene. It's just too difficult to expect to meet others that see past the kink and look more at the person. So that really does make it quite difficult to develop the type of union I had hoped to evolve into someday.

I do know of several couples that have long term d/s, m/s relationships. Most of them I've come to know via Gloria Brames website. And others I've met at the munches, but the single people at the munches mostly seem, to me, to just be looking for a hook up. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just not what I desire for myself.

I also wonder if gender plays a big role in the success of most of the bdsm relationships. Meaning that I see more Dom/sub relationships work verses Domme/sub. I'm sure societal views play a big role in the dynamics. I think yes it may be working, mostly in Domme/sub relationships where the couple started out vanilla and already had a strong bond that was there from the beginning and probably incorporated d/s into that established union. Ladies, I know some of you have established these relationships via bdsm functions, sites etc., so I'm no talking about you, the proud and the very few. : )

I could be wrong, but, I'm just wondering about it all. All I do know for sure is that I'm out of the loop for now.

Rosa

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 27

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 4:13:34 PM

Keepiru

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

I agree with most of what has been posted so far, as far as moving too fast, and having no true sense of commitment. I think there is another issue as well. People in D/s relationships tend to grow and learn more about themselves very rapidly. This frequently leads to two people that were very close in interests in the beginning, over time they diverge. The two people find that they no longer want the same things, and may try to force things for a while, which usually leads to resentment and making things worse.

(in reply to 247Master)

Post #: 28

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 4:27:36 PM

topcat

Posts: 1013
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Long Island
Status: offline

quote:

I do know of several couples that have long term d/s, m/s relationships. Most of them I've come to know via Gloria Brames website.

M. Rosa-

OH! lemme guess-

Frank& Lisa
Carolyn& ed
What's his name & Steph
Glory B. & Will (of course!)
Tess & Leif
Ron & Dixie

Did I get any right?

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to RosaB)

Post #: 29

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 4:35:13 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 3834
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

OH! lemme guess-

Frank& Lisa
Carolyn& ed
What's his name & Steph
Glory B. & Will (of course!)
Tess & Leif
Ron & Dixie

Did I get any right?

Are we missing out on something for not frequenting that website?

_____________________________

"The dumbest people I know are those who know it all."

Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 30

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 4:48:19 PM

Interesdom

Posts: 55
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
i think on a whole our society has no proper meaning of commitment.

A conversation during the time my marriage was falling apart:
ME: You said before we married that you wanted our commitment to mean something and be forever.
HER: I was fully commited for life at the time but now I'm not.
ME: errr....

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 31

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 4:51:36 PM

topcat

Posts: 1013
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Long Island
Status: offline

Midear Gloria-

No, but when i first came online, I was on Gloria B.'s old board on compuserve (12b), which was one of the first serious forums for this stuff, apparently. 12b was a great group of people- this place reminds me of it.

I didn't follow the migration to Milady B.'s new board when she founed it, and have lost touch with some of the old crowd, and was just wondering who she might know...

Stay warm,
Lawrence

< Message edited by topcat -- 2/17/2005 4:52:01 PM >

_____________________________

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Post #: 32

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 5:08:08 PM

RosaB

Posts: 319
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

M. Rosa-

OH! lemme guess-

What's his name & Steph
Glory B. & Will (of course!)

Did I get any right?

Stay warm,
Lawrence

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Yep to name a few. : )

I try my best to stay warm. Thanks
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Are we missing out on something for not frequenting that website?

Have a splendid day,

Gloria

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All I know is that many of the people there are phenominal human beings. Extremely supportive and informative in the realm of bdsm and in life issues in general.

Rosa, (Rachelbbw over there)

< Message edited by RosaB -- 2/17/2005 5:21:34 PM >

(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 33

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 9:19:38 PM

kyakitten

Posts: 135
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

Are you saying its wrong to expect people to uphold their commitments after they commit? People are free to make commitments or to not make them. Its those that make them and havent the strenght or endurance to uphold them. People make mistakes as well, but is it "right" to make others suffer for one? Should not the one who made the mistake be the first to suffer, or should they be able to skid past the consquences and let everyone else suffer for them?

quote:

Why? Because you made a commitment to others.

RiotGirl,

I'm not sure what others you're talking about here, but I think you're taking a pretty narrow view of commitments and why people would break them. I believe the subject deserves closer examination than a blanket assumption that keeping a commitment takes more strength and endurance than breaking one, or that it hurts "others" less than breaking one.

A bad relationship hurts more than the couple in it. It hurts kids if there are any, it hurts the family members and friends of the couple who have to deal with the tension and unhappiness, it hurts the coworkers, schoolteachers and service people who often bear the impact of the stress. It can affect the health and physical wellbeing of the individuals and those around them. Is it the most beneficial action for these people to prolong their own misery plus everyone else's til death do they part because they once made a poor judgment call, or they changed in fundamental ways and became less compatible? I'd venture that sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. Who is best equipped to judge whether staying or leaving causes the lesser sum total of suffering if not the people inhabiting those central roles?

quote:

i think on a whole our society has no proper meaning of commitment. People on a whole dont like to work hard, or stick it out. One of those "i dont like it, os i'm leaving" Whether the commitment is made short or fast, it STILL should be a commitment. It still should stuck out to the end.

You asked whether it's wrong to expect people to stick to their commitments. My answer is that it's terrific to have personal ideals and even preferences for the people you hang out with to be ones that hold similar views to you. The danger is when our ideals turn into tools to condemn other people - something we in the BDSM community should know as much as anyone.

My apologies to the OP for continuing the tangent.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 34

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 10:29:43 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 1752
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< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 10:26:16 PM >

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Post #: 35

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 10:31:08 PM

RiotGirl

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< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 10:26:29 PM >

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Post #: 36

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 10:39:58 PM

RiotGirl

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< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 10:23:55 PM >

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Post #: 37

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 11:52:04 PM

harmony3709

Posts: 260
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

Throw alot of issues at people, watch them go running and you know that when times get tough and you actually need some one, they arent going fail.

Amen to that girl! I couldn't agree more.

harmony

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 38

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/18/2005 12:15:43 AM

harmony3709

Posts: 260
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

I think that too often in this melieu there are people looking to find the relationship, and then shoehorning themselves and their partner into it, rather than finding the person, their partner, their mate, and building the relationship to fit them both.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

Excellent description of what I, personally, have found to be the toughest thing about meeting people, whether via web sites such as CM, or at munches and lifestyle events. So often I find myself talking with someone whom I might enjoy getting to know, but the only thing he wants to discuss is the D/s aspect of the relationship, or worse yet -- play and sex -- and I find myself longing for a vanilla date where I could at least learn who this person is and a little about them!!

I can understand the desire to discuss D/s interests when getting to know a potential Dom or sub -- however, at some point, the scene is going to end and you just might actually have to make conversation or deal with the real world. If a relationship is going to last, it might be a good idea to find out if you are as compatible with the vanilla and mundane as the kinky.

harmony

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 39

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/18/2005 9:05:03 AM

NATI

Posts: 177
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Excellent description of what I, personally, have found to be the toughest thing about meeting people, whether via web sites such as CM, or at munches and lifestyle events. So often I find myself talking with someone whom I might enjoy getting to know, but the only thing he wants to discuss is the D/s aspect of the relationship, or worse yet -- play and sex -- and I find myself longing for a vanilla date where I could at least learn who this person is and a little about them!!

Right on. If I am in a conversation that dead-ends like that I don't pursue it. I need a whole lot more to talk about. I want to have many more points of reference in my relationship. And I think they have to be there in order for a relationship to really work. The connection still has to be there when the toys are hanging in the closet and Ma'am is kicking back on the sofa hogging the remote.

< Message edited by NATI -- 2/18/2005 9:06:27 AM >

(in reply to harmony3709)

Post #: 40

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