Voltare
Posts: 467
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline
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First off, I'll just point out (as Gloria suggested) that this wasn't intended to be the solutions for everyone, but rather a good safe start for people who do not have experience in online relationships. I've broken, and will probably continue to break my own guidelines in time, because I have the luxury of doing so.
The specific concerns with the most attention, essentially the webcam and the search engine, I still hold fast to. Obviously, they don't work for everyone - but I know that I would have saved myself quite a bit of time and effort had I held to this rule more dearly. For individuals where the equipment is an issue, there are cyber cafe's all over most medium or large sized cities, where you can sit (in public) drink a cup of coffee, and use their computers complete with webcam. The significant investment of two or three dollars erases any doubt that the hundreds or even thousands potentially spent on airfare, hotel rooms, phone bills, not to mention the actual investment of time is being well spent. Obviously, some people will not agree - I don't expect everyone to.
As for Google, again, I'd have saved myself the trouble with the 44 year old had I taken three minutes to type her real name in (which is, in the end, how I learned of the deceit.) When confronted with the information, she admitted that she had never really intended to meet, but she could not bear to end the fantasy. Your milage will, of course, vary depending on distance, age, and amount of time and interest you genuinely have in cyber based relationships.
kiki blue - I'll answer most of your topics point by point.
Rule 1 & 2 - I'm not suggesting current real time relationships should be abandoned. In my mind, once you've met and spent substantial time together (again an arbitrary statement) the relationship is no longer 'internet based' but rather 'real time.' For me, that means having had at least three real time dates or more. Having been in the military, and having had to leave a woman behind, I deeply regret trying to maintain the long distance relationship she and I shared for over a year, as it was nothing but misery and guilt for both of us. Those, of course, are my experiences - I'm not suggesting wives and husbands abandon vows, etc - the choice to be in a long distance relationship is obviously up to the couple. My advice specifically stated "don't -get- involved" i.e. don't start them in the first place. I personally think they're more trouble then their worth. I can say this, because I wrote this piece. Naturally, you are welcome to disagree and we can hopefully agree to leave it at that.
Webcam- already addressed, but if you don't want a webcam, don't buy one. It's just my opinion that most people who refuse to be seen on a webcam usually have something to hide. I don't have any desire to see anyone type - it's seeing them live and speaking with them directly that I am addressing. A video phone works just fine. Recent photos don't cut it for me - I've been burned on 'fake' photos far too many times, and without the ability to speak to the person, on cam, real time, there's no way to authenticate them - with the possible exception of Lawrence and bailey who were able to verify references via third parties, due to their organization relations (a great alternative.) My point isn't that you need this piece of technology - it's that some tangible means of verifying a number of issues, easily, and inexpensively has value. A friend of mine recently had a Dom she had been speaking with for over a year online come to her house for 'real life' M/s... only to be more then a little shocked to find he was in a wheelchair. Webcams are just another tool to make interaction more 'live' and erase some of the 'fantasy' element involved with the net.
6) Phone Numbers - I'm not saying give your home number out to everyone. In fact, I'd suggest the opposite, don't give the number out till you feel ready. If emailing daily for six months and hours of conversation every day in IM isn't enough to make you feel ready to give your phone number out, then perhaps it's wise to admit you're not seeking real life interaction with this individual. There's no shame in that - I know I have a few dozen people I have on my IM list who I chat with occasionally, but would no more give my home phone number out then I would twenty dollar bills.
Again, the context of this posting was aimed specifically at long distance, internet oriented relationships. In fact, I said...
quote:
Most of these are geared towards long distance relationships from online, i.e. more then a few hours drive
I'm not sure what sort of people you would normally meet online, but if I was making arrangements to meet a woman from online, and she said "well, fly to the airport, get a hotel, and on tuesday night maybe I'll catch you at the munch..." I wouldn't have the impression she was all that interested in a meeting in the first place. It's not a matter of desperation, or egg timers - it's a way of sorting through the folks who don't talk on the phone, because they have wives/girlfriends/parents who they are trying to keep secrets from, as well as weeding out the folks who are addicted to the net (or net based relationships) and talk the talk - but dont' know a flogger from a 9 iron.
7) - Google. I've made my case for google already on this thread, and on another thread. Feel free to join that debate if you wish. For me, forewarned is forearmed.
8) - Love online is 95% fantasy. I don't see how my opinion on internet love makes what I've said remotely uneducated. Most of my words are spelled correctly, there's minimal typographical errors, and I've supported most of my statements with reasonable arguements. If the material isn't of value to you, I'm sure you can find something more useful to do with your time.
My opinion's not changed - most 'love' online (usually directly after some form of cybersex, and usually within the first week) is no more then the real time version of lust at first sight. Personally, I think love grows from familiarity, over time (usually several weeks and months.) I don't wish for this to detract from those who feel they have found love quickly - I believe a very high compatibility makes the time it takes to feel love shortened, and if anything the internet provides even greater conversation and discussion of those elements of compatibility (i.e. intellectual levels, music, emotional drives, tastes in television/movies, romantic interests, sexual tastes, etc.) I've fallen in love very fast - in a matter of a couple weeks. At the time, it felt like 'at first sight.'
The inherent problem with 'love' online, is that you aren't seeing the entire picture. You're reading, one pixle at a time, about what the other person wishes to show you. You can imagine them in sexy underware and high heels, or in boxers and wearing fantastic cologne as you like. You can laugh about the things you love, and share wonderful stories. There are no bills unpaid, no dirty socks on the floor, no forgetting to shave. The potential flaws (poor spelling or typing skills aside) amount to being late for an 'internet date', or being away from the keyboard too long. There's really very little that can go wrong with internet relationships, and ultimately the person you talk to creates a picture in your mind of what they wish for you to see. Since most of us cannot see how we really are in the first place, the notion that we present who we really are online is near impossible. It's akin to asking the deaf, dumb, and blind men to tell me what they're dealing with - one says it's a lamp post, the other a rock, the third tapping me on the shoulder a lot. None of them can communicate that it's an elephant. Besides, why waste such a beautiful, powerful emotion on pixles? It belongs in person, on real life dates, on flowers, on walks in the park.
10) - Location. I've already qualified this, but I'll restate that if a move is to take place, that it should be the submissive. Even if this requires the Dominant to acquire a new residence in the same city, or even across the street - trying to introduce a Dominant into a situation where the house is owned by the submissive is just asking for trouble. This is doubly so where children are involved - and sometimes children will flat make any kind of 'move' impossible. Then it becomes a matter of sacrificing what you want for yourself, for the benifit of your children - but this is another topic for another day.
Personals sites vs/chat rooms - I've met people from both forums. I just offered what tends to work more effectively for me. I'd be happy to stack my efforts in private, to illustrate why I think this is the case, but I'd say personals are more effective in terms of time, nearly 10 to one. Nowhere did I suggest one form should be ruled out - just that one form is simply more effective.
13) I made it clear, in the first place, this was intended for newbies. Newbies, really shouldn't be playing with -anyone- the first time they meet them, because there's no base of reference to draw from, and CERTAINLY no way to verify that the person they are playing with isn't actually a serial killer, rapist, or any number of deviants that fall into BDSM. This, to me, is the same as saying don't have sex on the first date. It doesn't mean people will follow my guideline - I know I've done it (both sex, and play on the first date.) I also know that I'm experienced enough to know when the risk is minimal, and when to walk away.
As for the issue of intimacy, again, as a general guideline intimacy blooms best in real time. I'm not saying it can't happen online, I'm saying it tends to be more rewarding (in my opinion) in real time.
Lawrence: Congratulations to you and your girl. I wish you nothing but the best! You both are a great example that this place -can- work, in spite of the frustrations involved.
All others: My bottom line is essentially that the net can be a safe, rewarding place to meet other people, either virtually or physically. It can also make you want to cut your eyes and heart right out of your body and send them down the drain. Whichever you find to your tastes, the key is common sense and a sense of fun. If you're not enjoying your visit to cyberia, then don't feel obligated to stay. If it works, go with it. If it doesn't, find something that does. Don't be afraid to try new things, but don't do anything with your body that you don't think it's designed for. Don't trust it to people who are reckless, and don't be reckless with others. Etc etc etc...
Thank you for flying, please return your seats to an upright position and secure your trays.
Stephan
_____________________________
[GEEK] Me [/GEEK]
"There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness" - Nietzsche
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RE: Dos and Don´ts - 
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