cillydom
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Joined: 3/3/2006
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One Dominants controversial thought on d/s
February 26, 2006
(revised March 6, 2006)
Looking for a dom is like panning for gold, one does not fill the pan up with sediment and just pick the gold off the top. A lot of sediment has to be carefully examined to find the precious gold. You have to find the gold the way it wants to be found not the way you want to find it. The same goes for dominants, the way many submissive women demand that they be contacted with the properly formatted emails containing just the right information you’d think they were interviewing bureaucrats for their ability to fill out forms correctly. One of the things that make dominants dominant is their wanting to do things their way in their own time. A lot of perfectly usable dominants are discarded with the sediment. I know it’s a lot of work and time consuming but the gold is worth it. I wonder how many dominants submissives would make contact with under similar circumstances, in fact I’ve read many submissive profiles saying they wont contact dominants with profiles that they don’t realize are similar to the ones they have written.
I see a lot of women’s bios that to me indicate they greatly misunderstand the potential of d/s. How can you tell what you’ll like till after you been with someone for some time. I’ve seen many submissive women change their likes and dislikes over time when involved with a dominant. I’ve even noticed something may or may not be enjoyable under different circumstances and with changes of mood. Submissives aren’t robots to be programed to constantly react the same way all the time.
First a d/s relationship is just that, a relationship, it can begin and fail just like any other relationship and for much the same reasons. What makes it different is the added d/s component. Now we have the relationship which can be difficult enough, now layer on d/s and it can be even more complicated, making it even more prone to failure. It takes a dominant that understands the d/s dynamic and comes to understand his submissive to make it work.
I’ve come to learn that the what is not so important as to the why. If I can understand the why I may be able to get the what. Her motivations are more important than her likes or dislikes of the moment, what does she really want out of the relationship? Is it just the kinky sex or a relationship that includes kinky sex? Understanding the submissives mind will enable the dominant to fulfill his desires and use her to the fullest extent possible.
Compromises are a key determinant in the success or failure of any relationship. The question is who makes the greatest compromise. For me that would be the submissive woman. I cant understand how a woman would want a man that easily and extensively compromised his desires, to suite her. To my way of thinking not the best definition of “ DOMINANT”. Which is not to say there is no compromise on his part but rather that his primary desires remain intact. After all we’re dealing with real life here. Some seem to not realize that.
When asked did he enjoy writing, Mark Twain once answered “ I enjoy having written”, it is much the same way for submissive women, to enjoy having been made to do something more than the act itself, a real sign of submissiveness. Some realize a sense of accomplishment from that, “ see, I did that for you”. Is it submission to only do what she already wants to do? Where’s the submission in that?
Would I tell a women I would respect her limits, “no”. Would I ever force something on her that I felt she really couldn’t handle, “no”. Would I try to get her to the point that she could, “absolutely”. Not that she would necessarily enjoy the what but she would enjoy the why and the why is that it pleases me. And what could be more important than that?
Its my opinion that women should forget their limits and try to find a man who’s limits they could live with. We do have our limits, really we do. If the woman can live with his limits, then its unlikely he’ll ever ask her to exceed them.
To me d/s is what we are, not what we do. What we do is sometimes kinky sex, sometimes not. Even in our most relaxed moments we are still d/s. D/s is primarily a state of mind.
The thoughtful dominants philosophy should be consistent and easy to understand, it should make sense in a kinky sort of way and his compatible submissive woman should feel comfortable living within it. It should speak to the very center of her being. His rules should be simple to understand the submissive should under most circumstances know what is acceptable and what is not when her dominant isn’t present.
If submission is surrender then she should surrender to his desires and put her desires aside. Some women bring a lot of vanilla moral baggage to the d/s relationship, thinking that if they don’t go too far they wont be so bad. This idea keeps them from fully realizing their potential as a submissive woman. I say to them, that if I’m in control that I’m morally responsible for what I desire and she is blameless for her actions while under my control. After all a good dominant does take advantage of her desire to please and should assume responsibility for his instructions to her. Society will judge her harshly no matter how far she does or does not go in pleasing her dominant. As the old English saying goes “ in for a penny, in for a pound”.
Safety in a d/s relationship is primarily the dominants responsibility as he is in control. Submissive women in the heat of passion may not realize when things are going too far, making safe words next to useless. A responsible dominant should be observant and able to recognize danger signs when they occur. He should have taken the time to study his submissive and easily recognize when she may be entering a stressful condition. To a responsible dominant the study of his submissive is something enjoyable, (a labor of love not a task of work) , to understand how she reacts to his desires. A submissives body often speaks more clearly than her words. Maturity and caring in a dominant are more important than so called years of experience and all the safe words that can be imagined.
References, give me a break. What do extensive references really mean? Could it be that he has done nothing but scening with many bottoms, that he has several failed relationships? It doesn’t mean that he maybe has had a successful lasting relationship, or that he would be good with any particular submissive woman. A sense of maturity is worth more than all the references in the world. I was part of the “ scene” for years even being on the board of the Black Rose of Washington DC and left because there didn’t seem to be much intimacy between players in the “ scene”. So would I would I want to provide references, no. Once at a play party in which I didn’t take much part a bottom came up to me and said she had wanted to see me in action, she didn’t seem to understand my answer that there wouldn’t have been much to see , as much of what I do is communicative. Just talking to her can be more dominating than the hardest spanking, but this usually works only with a submissive you have an emotional attachment to.
Why having to travel long distances to meet for most people never works. When a great distance has to be traveled to meet, one or both may have to expend a great deal of time and resources for the meeting. There is the question of lodging and sleeping arrangements. After all that there is such an urge to make it work that one or both may not act their natural selves. Then there’s the situation of having to make a decision of weather to continue the relationship based on one meeting that may not have been up to expectations. Whereas meeting someone close-by not a great deal is invested in the first meeting and if it doesn’t go perfectly the decision to meet again is easier to make, to see if things develop more satisfactorily. Love at first sight usually isn’t attainable, especially when as I said previously the d/s aspect is layered on top of the basic relationship. To find out if your compatible in the d/s aspect of each other first a level of comfort in each others presence has to be established, and this may take time and more than one meeting. Unless you plan on spanking at first sight. Highly not recommended.
Submissive wants verses needs and the myth of the perfect dom. All submissive women seem to want the ever elusive perfect dom, elusive because he doesn’t exist. They dream up extensive lists of the perfect dominants traits leaving out the most important dominant trait, that is he will have his own list. If the dream is to be taken control of then what good is her list? That one fact should supercede all other considerations, that he will be in control, period, end of discussion. As a thought experiment, would a very submissive woman really want a dominant that didn’t push her to fulfill his most cherished desires. Wouldn’t she want to feel that he thought enough of her to push her limits, to really use her? Hmmmmm. What a novel idea. She needs to surrender to him, not control him. She needs him to take her wants away and fulfill her needs by using her to fulfil his desires. Her perfect dominant isn’t her idea of the perfect dominant.
Early on the submissive woman should realize that she will have to sacrifice her body to the desires of her dominant. That her body is no longer hers to deny its use for her dominants pleasure. The fortunate submissive may realize seventy five percent of which pleases her the other twenty five percent is the sacrifice/payment she has to make for that seventy five percent and her relationship with her dominant. Also that twenty five percent reenforces to her, her true status as her dominants submissive woman.
Now we touch on intimacy.
The first intimacy is the physical intimacy. The unrestricted access and use by the dominant of his submissives body for his enjoyment. That is one of the reasons the submissive is there. She should be prepared at all times to submit to his touch, inspection and use and to posture herself to his desires. He may reenforce this state of her being by often having her assume poses and postures that open her up to his view and touch. He should do so without undue ridicule of her body, making her uncomfortable at opening herself up. This is not to say that she may not be humiliated but that personal mean spirited attacks should be avoided.
The second and ultimate intimacy is that of thought and emotion, the seeing inside her. The thoughts and emotions of the very submissive woman yearn to be set free and absorbed by her dominant. She wants to keep no secrets from him, she wants to be completely open to him, for him to know her better than she knows herself. This is the most delicate aspect of the relationship and he should handle it with much care thought and understanding. For badly done it could destroy the relationship and badly damage her. He has to understand that they are her thoughts and she may not be entirely responsible for them. He should listen without ridicule or negative comment even if they are negative thoughts about himself. He asked the question now its up to him to deal with the answers. For without this approach how can he truly understand her and over time bring her to understand and accept his desires as her own. This is the ultimate meaning of control.
Respect and how it can ruin the d/s relationship. I know those are fighting words. For the dominant to extract his desires from his submissive he cant be overly concerned with displaying respect for her. After all if he’s to humiliate and objectify her, too much respect would only be a hindrance. This doesn’t mean he may not love her but that he’s not going to let that get in the way. After all he’s going to use her in ways he would never try with women to whom he had to socially show respect. The submissive woman doesn’t want an overly hesitant dominant always afraid he’s hurting her feelings.
Her desire is “ grab me, slap me, throw me down and use me”. Not normally considered respectful behavior, but it’s a hell of a lot more fun. Respect she can get anywhere, raw use is what she craves from her man or why else is she there? Submission is the giving up of power and free will, and with that power goes the demand for respect. we Anything else is just playing at d/s. In a happy viable relationship the question of respect never comes up. Why should it after all both are getting out of the relationship what they need. The question of respect is a symptom of a troubled relationship. When reality is accepted for what it is then it can be incorporated into the relationship making it stronger. Hey I didn’t make this up, it’s just the way it is.
Years of lifestyle experience and the gift of submission. O, please. First off, it’s not a gift, she craves to be there in fact it may even be in desperation that she’s there. I know it’s not the common fantasy, but it is the reality. She craves the use the dominant puts her to. It’s an inner need, it’s not a chosen need. Who in their right mind would choose to be either a dominant or a submissive? life in the vanilla world is so much easier. Being a good dominant takes desire, thought, work and persistence few men can comprehend. When I first began to understand what my dominant feelings meant, I joined the scene so to say, I came to realize early on that after attending a few meetings most any submissive woman was ruined, and would need years of intense psychotherapy at the hands of a good dominant to set her mind right. They were filled with the idea that she was in charge and that she was a precious commodity to be cherished and respected. She was imbued with idea that she could just say “no” and all would be well. When in fact that was farthest from what she needed. Most dominants prefer someone with little so called “lifestyle experience” but great desire and need. He prefers to teach her himself to be the object of his desires. Self education may exercise the fantasy but does little or nothing to prepare her for the reality of a d/s relationship. After all fantasies are episodic, d/s is full time. Big difference.
Next up humiliation and objectification. Humiliation and objectification are two closely related attributes. Humiliation comes about when there’s a conflict between how she was brought up to behave and how her dominant is having her behave. She finds this conflict both disturbing and sexually exciting. The act of being made to do the forbidden because she hasn’t the power to refuse. Saying “no” for her is not so easy and all will not be well if she does. The fear of displeasing and losing her dominant overcomes any will to say no. The fear of losing the d/s relationship and being set adrift helps drive her to obedience. It is one of the most powerful weapons that her dominant has over her. In a sense both dominant and submissive are in a struggle over control of her behavior, a struggle that she really doesn’t want to win. Objectification is a means to instill a feeling of humiliation in her, it removes from her, her personhood, her individuality, hence her right to refuse. She becomes an object to be used without thought, a vessel to fulfill his every desire.
This is a work in progress and changes are made from time to time for clarity and continuance but the basic ideas remain constant. So if it interests you come back to find out what has been added. Rereading from the beginning is recommended as changes are made to the body of the text also.
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