seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (Full Version)

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classykindasassy -> seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/6/2006 11:38:44 AM)

In this post I think I am looking for opinions from SUCCESSFUL, HAPPY people about what they see works and does not work.

I definitely believe that people have the capacity to love more than one, and love completely. The problem comes for me in the question of what I must sacrifice to have my heart’s desire.

A little about my situation:

I am single. Plenty of prospects, getting a date or a relationship has not really ever been a problem. I had been approached by a married man who wanted a poly relationship – all of us living together and sleeping in same bed. The Mrs. and I were not attracted to each other, but got along well and the sex was interesting with an observer and cheering section. Ultimately I felt that he did not have time or much inclination to develop a “dating” relationship with me such that I felt I had a place that was something other than a concubine. This did not work for me, and at the time, there was something about me (at the time I smoked pot but have since stopped) that did not work for her, and so we ended it.

Then, I met someone wonderful – and married. The story I have is that the Mrs. is not into sex or BDSM, and is fine with him having another relationship. He says that they are staying together for the sake of the children (mid-teens) whom they don’t want to de-stabilize this close to high school graduation. I DO respect that. He says they are together besides that, for financial reasons. Because there has never been A REASON to split given that this situation, while kinda dead and lacking in life and passion, is not unpleasant. He says they might split one day but is in no hurry to do it, and I don’t see it happening any time soon.

So, we would be living apart, avoiding his kids finding out, not much time together. I have challenges of my own getting a career reestablished after almost 10 years of not having to work, and a little debt to handle. I am scared about my ability to make it on my own. I have a lot to offer, but how to parlay that into a way to support myself? I haven't figured that out yet but am working on it. It's scary to me.

I have no doubt that the love is there with us. The truth is, I am a victim of my own mind and morals here – and I am terrified to trust. HE IS trustworthy in my estimation. He is more emotionally available and conversant about it than any man I have ever met. Our connection, passion, shared thinking on a lot of life, is there, along with the space to have differing points of view. If the relationship had not had evidence of being worth it, I would not have continued in it

But this goes against all rational thinking about what the world says is good and can work. The voices in my head that say that what we are doing is wrong, that I am wrong, that I deserve to be THE ONE, that I will never have what I want. I MOSTLY AM RATIONAL AND CAN SEE IT WORKING But I did a hurtful thing that I can’t just take back or erase. I freaked out in a moment of torment and instead of feeling free to talk about it (every other time I had been hurt and abandoned was in my face), I chose to try to protect my ego and indulge the torment, and I called a halt and asked to be decollared. In a way that appeared to be out of nowhere. One day I seemed OK, and the next I was overtaken by my demons and desperate for freedom. I didn’t think that my talking about it would release me from the pain, or make any difference. I might have been wrong, and I never gave him a chance to make a difference with me.

I also did not feel free to call him in the middle of the night. I know he is sleeping with another person, and she has never met me, and I do not know in my heart that it is ok for me to have this kind of intimacy with him, in her world.

How can I just be OK going against society, having a relationship with a married man? I am in a position of leadership and my life gets to be known by people. It is real hard in my mind to trust one person and go against the whole tribe, because of love. Last time I went with my heart and trusted love, it was the most amazing and profound thing that turned into the most dehumanizing and degrading hurt I have ever had, and has taken me YEARS to get myself back.

How can I trust that love will work all this out? All visible evidence goes against it. Maybe that would be the miracle, but I am scared to death.

I hope to hear from the real thinkers and people with depth that have weathered the storms of life and have won.






LuckyAlbatross -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/6/2006 2:22:24 PM)

The issue isn't that you want poly or with a married man.

The issue is that this situation is going to be drama, is going to deny you fulfillment of yourself, and cause more stress than it resolves.

You freaked out, big time. You need to take the time to figure out what caused that and what might cause it again.

Why would you settle?



housubcouple -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/6/2006 8:22:28 PM)

In general if it starts out with secrets (hide from the kids, don't tell the Mrs.) then it's off to a very bad start. I have been part of successful poly relationships and unsuccessful ones. My best advice is to make sure that the Mrs. DOES know up front!

Good luck!



angelynne -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/7/2006 4:58:20 AM)

greetings.

i do not have any definitive answers for you (doubt anyone does) but have a similar situation and would be happy to discuss it with you if you email me on the other side.

respectfully
slave angela



JohnWarren -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/7/2006 9:27:03 AM)

To me, poly includes consensuality on the part of all parties. I strongly doubt that the wife has given her consent and you don't seem to have made any effort to confirm that.

Given that, you are helping a married man cheat on his wife rather than being in a poly relationship.

You say you think he's trustworthy but have you made any effort to confirm his claims about his married because they seem like the clichéd lies of a standard-issue liar. How about calling her up right now and asking her?



MsPurrmeow -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/7/2006 9:32:35 AM)

If you have never met the wife and had her talk to you about what she understands and agrees to, then you are simply a lay on the side for a married man. He's cheating, you are cheating her, too.

If you sit down and converse with her and everything is cool, then you are all agreeing to a poly relationship, but not until that happens.

As for your future, consider yourself single... you are. You are not in a long-term relationship, nor are you poly. You need to decide if it's you that wants no-commitment relationships. Get out there and keep looking to find a good, solid healthy relationship. Poly or not, there has to be honesty and communication for it to be fertile ground for people to live and be healthy. You don't have that here.



ownedgirlie -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/7/2006 10:41:31 AM)

Classykindasassy: you are not describing what i understand poly to be; rather you are describing a man who wishes to have a wife and a slave. The wife may agree but not wish to know details about the slave. Two different roles, wife and slave. i know several situations like this, where the wife is open to her husband fulfilling his need to Master another....it doesn't mean she wishes to be involved, however. i also know of marriages where the woman needs to submit, and the husband knows and is aware of her involvment with a Dom.

Some define this as cheating. Some define it as an agreement within the marriage. The question to ask yourself is, will such a relationship be fulfilling to you? For some it is, for others it is not. And no one can answer that but you.



Sensualips -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/7/2006 4:17:04 PM)

quote:

The story I have is that the Mrs. is not into sex or BDSM, and is fine with him having another relationship.


Assuming this is true (big assumption) that is still not poly. It is an open marriage. Or at least half open, because you did not say if he was okay with her having other relationships.

It seems like you know this, based on your guilt and fears regarding "How can I just be OK going against society, having a relationship with a married man?" It seems like this is a moral dilemma for you, because everyone knows nice RESPECTABLE decent girls don't carry on with married men. It seems like either 1) you realize the story about her consenting is probably bullshit and thus you really are just involved in an affair or 2) You believe she is aware and okay with the relationship, but you worry what "others" will think. I would sit down and think hard about which scenario fits.

Maybe you are not a nice respectable decent girl in the typical sense. Maybe you are self centered and concerned with you own needs and assume his wife and his marriage is his concern, not yours. That happens all the time though few will admit it. I admit it. I have slept with a married man or two, three if you count the married woman. (IE: married and cheating on his/her unaware wife/husband.) One of them was even a brief affair. It was casual and fun and very fulfilling to me at the time. I am not proud of it, I didn't intentionally seek it out, but it was a risk-aware choice I made. I am willing to accept that about myself, learn from it, and move on.

Or maybe his story is true. In which case you have no logical reason to feel guilty or ashamed. If you can get past fretting over "others" then your concern is being at peace with yourself-- if this type of relationship will work for you.



classykindasassy -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/7/2006 5:01:24 PM)

Thanks to all for your answers.

The Mrs. does indeed know about me, and in fact recently had a joint conversation with himself, and their eldest child (mid teens) about the facts of the marriage, and about me and the relationship that he and I have.

Sensualips you got it - I had to look at my morality scenario and own it.

LuckyAlbatross, you are right on the money - the drama has to go, and I have discovered what triggered me and we are in communication about that.

JohnWarren, thanks for taking the time to check this out. I am looking to meet her and allay my reservations about her feelings and point of view.



justatoy2 -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/9/2006 7:18:32 AM)

I am in a situation where my husband is submissive. I am submissive as well but can top him. I also have a Dom. All parties are aware of each other. We have met and sat down all three of us. My husband does not want to be involved with the dom but understands my need to submit. He cannot Top. It just isn't him, and we are beginning to truly understand why. I would suggest to the OP that she request a meeting with the Dom and his wife. It does sound to me like the wife does not know. And only the OP can decide if she wants to be party to a unfaithful relationship. Because my husband and i do this together, i don't feel i am being unfaithful to him. If you are single and get involved with someone who is married, whether the spouse knows about it or not....your time together will be limited. The spouse will always take priority. My dom knows this and accepts it. I realize this situation works for us and is not an ideal for everyone. I just hate seeing single submissives get involved with married men/women and spend all their time waiting waiting waiting....



HouseofBacchus -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/10/2006 11:52:43 AM)

Unless all parties are included you are not in a poly relationship. You are being his thing on the side... If she doesn't know about you how can she be voluntarily in a relationship with you?
All relationships should be based on open communication or they are destined to end in ruin.
Poly relationships work for some people but they must be willing to communicate freely and my advise is to let everyone have their own bedroom to retreat to when they need some "Me" time.
Good luck
Bacchus



Driver1961 -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/13/2006 4:14:00 AM)

Ok, I'll throw in a comment, well said to all previous.

I'm in a 5 month growing D/s relationship of three. One polyamorous girl who prefers men and one other 'Precious' girl similar. To both I am their 'Paintbrush' and yes we are seeking to all be under one roof permanent long term, in the short time of up to 7 years, one has unmentionable restrictions and the other will live with me every third week (mining work restrictions). The relationship grows and 'flames' at times as personal insecurities and prior 'life 'learnings' and 'personal base needs' are re-evaluated as W/we grow.

Communication/honesty is paramount and yet emotions are found, frayed and soothed. I am their 'Paintbrush' of respect, clarity and trust. (Very onerous task for myself at times)Ha Ha. - but I hold true to the vision T/they first set and attempt to expose falsehoods of security with the reality of real security of a committed relationship.

To Classykindasassy and Angelynne I offer the following humble words didactically;

A Dominant is one of truth, clarity, and assurance. These qualities assist (greatly) the 'settling' of triggers. These qualities embody the 'strength' and engender the 'trust' a sub requires to feel secure in her submittance.

Where is the His strength of honesty? Honesty to himself, his children, and to his 'Precious Canvas' (You) Why must you decieve others (compromise self values) to protect another who blantantly decieves and manipulates others to legitimise His deciet? Yet He will be your 'Paintbrush'? And to stay together for money issues, no amount of money compensates for pain/indecision that we self perpetuate. That is direspecting yourself. (I speak from life experiences not a text book)

I value my ethics and for this live a freer life. I may or maynot live a longer life, but damm I know it's a happier life.

He dips His lid, smiles broadly,

"later......................."



Dracironsgirl -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/15/2006 7:47:08 AM)

seeking the same too ..... =)



MrRodgers -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/23/2006 4:07:06 PM)

Classy, you were not in a poly relationship in my eyes at all. I had 2 bi sub/slaves back in the day before the these sites. We did not 'break-up' in the traditional sense, they were coeds and upon graduation, I gave them their release, as it were, as we never spoke of collars back then. The REAL poly is when a couple already exists and they both welcome you into their home. In that kind if relationship, she is the 'alpha' slave if you will, and you are not. You wouldn't necessarily be the beta slave as the first slave in a poly is ALWAYS the 'alpha' and the master shows no more love toward her than you, or is not advised to and that's just the way it is. Oh and for this dirty not-so-old former master (a man with no slave, masters no one) M/s poly or not or at least a true M/s relationship is a 24/7 live-in and a lover affair like no other.

Now if you become a master's first or 'alpha' slave and with the addition of another slave, it becomes a relationship of you and your master's mutual desire. The remainder is essentailly the same as above in that you would always or should always be the 'alpha' slave for lack of a better word.

Overall kiddo, the poly relationship for me, and it seems maybe you and for many, many slaves and young slaves, it is simply the most beautiful of all relationships that mankind has created. If you wish to correspond and I would like to very much, get back to me classy.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: seeking advice from successsful and happy poly people... (2/23/2006 6:58:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers
The REAL poly is when a couple already exists and they both welcome you into their home.

Um there's a lot of other poly variations in the world.

quote:

You wouldn't necessarily be the beta slave as the first slave in a poly is ALWAYS the 'alpha' and the master shows no more love toward her than you, or is not advised to and that's just the way it is.

All of those statements are anything but universal and "always" true. There are plenty of exceptions and different ways of going about it- even in how the people are loved. In my past relationship, I was NEVER loved the same way that the owner loved his wife. Nor would I have expected or wanted to be- if I wanted to be a wife I'd have gotten married.

quote:

Oh and for this dirty not-so-old former master (a man with no slave, masters no one) M/s poly or not or at least a true M/s relationship is a 24/7 live-in and a lover affair like no other.

That's your definition, not shared by all.

quote:

The remainder is essentailly the same as above in that you would always or should always be the 'alpha' slave for lack of a better word.

In some relationships, alpha is based on ability, achievement, and proficiency, which can definitely be changed depending on the circumstances.
quote:


Overall kiddo, the poly relationship for me, and it seems maybe you and for many, many slaves and young slaves, it is simply the most beautiful of all relationships that mankind has created. If you wish to correspond and I would like to very much, get back to me classy.[/size]

Poly is just one type of relationship. In many ways, poly people are necessarily insane in order to even attempt it.



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