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LadiesBladewing -> RE: does it matter W/who brings the third? (2/3/2006 5:28:19 PM)
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Our experience is that it really doesn't matter, as long as everyone involved is on the same page about things.
Where it -might- matter is if there are preconceived notions that -anyone- has about what it means to be brought into the family by a certain person. Prestige, self-esteem issues, fear, loneliness, and ego plays sometimes allow us to lie to ourselves about why we're getting involved in certain situations, and in doing so, it unbalances what may have been a completely synchronistic/random collection of events that put us in the right place at the right time for our happiness.
As an example of what I'm talking about, there are individuals who will enter a poly relationship if the dominant party asks, but would completely diss the idea if the submissive party or a 3rd party asked them whether they'd go poly... and for many of the individuals who would accept this kind of "qualified" invitation, there is often the small nudge in the back of the mind that says "see... that dominant person wants -me- more than he/she wants the submissive person he/she's already got, or I wouldn't have been asked to join up." Later, when this doesn't pan out, the illusion falls away and there is often a struggle with resentment or anger, or even a sense of being "deceived" and brought into the relationship under false pretenses.
The most important part of being part of a communal household is to be honest -not- with the other partners, but with oneself. In our eagerness to be part of -something-, we often don't listen to the voices inside of us that tell us whether or not we're ready for the challenges before us.
In the same way, if you are looking to increase your household, the best thing you can do is not to tell your prospectives about your family, but to welcome them into your home and then -listen-... hear how they interact, and how they talk about themselves, and about relationships. Listen to how they talk about the relationships they've been in before. Were they happy, even if the relationship didn't work out. Do they acknowledge their own part in the way any previous relationships ended. Do they genuinely want the best for their former mates, even if they are not a part of life with those people any more? Have they opened their hearts to trust -- do they -respect- themselves?
The questions about what makes a particular poly relationship work while others seem to founder revolve so much more around how much everyone is willing to -be- completely him or herself, how forthright each person has been, how willing each is to change and grow, and how willing, too each is to take the -risk- of really loving and caring, and putting the current paradigm that demands isolational and serial monogamy to the task.
Lady Zephyr
quote:
ORIGINAL: comesoncommand
Never having been in a poly relationship before, and envisioning a triad sort of poly...Master-female slave (me)-female slave (in future) i am curious...does it matter who brings the third? For those (both Master and slave) who have had experience with this type of relationship...is it a more positive experience either way? Or does it not matter? Reading the boards, it seems there are more problems between same sexes in the relationship, so it would seem to me that if the same sexes could start the getting to know and like each other part in the begining that would work well. Or is it possible to do it is a couple?
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