Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (Full Version)

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Sensualips -> Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (1/29/2006 8:12:52 PM)

I am more comfortable and more frequently top than bottom. And yet, when I play in public at bdsm type events my limited experience has been as a bottom. Somehow that is "easier." For me, I am more passive and just let someone do something to me while I experience and process it. I am an exhibitionist, so that helps too.

I have had a bit of "performance anxiety" when it comes to topping at a public event. Part of this is just I do not have a regular partner that I am super comfortable with. Part of it is feeling insecure, as if others will be judging my performance -- especially if they have never seen me scene or have only seen me scene as a bottom. Rationally I know that whatever myself and a play partner do is not for "other people" and I have no one to impress or no need to improve myself. I realize it is not a competition. And yet, it nags at me.

Anyway, I topped in public for the first time this weekend. Yae for me! He had never played in public and was very nervous too, so we planned a light scene and I focused on making it really a positive thing for him. Based on his reactions and a later discussion, I believe we achieved that. Also I was relieved to rid myself of my topping virginity.

For those of you that enjoy public play, do you ever feel performance anxiety as a top or a bottom? If so, do you feel like that need to prove yourself is part of being accepted as a capable switch that CAN do both? Or maybe that is not really related to identifying as a switch at all, but just something many newer people experience?






ShadeDiva -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (1/29/2006 8:39:58 PM)

I have acknowledged the unspoken pressure - but I choose to dismiss it and ignore it.

I play at my own pace and in my own way - and that's okay.

If you are getting stage fright, which I *do* get at times since I play in public so infrequently - try co-topping with another dominant.

Not only is it a complete BLAST, but it gives you someone else to play your energy off of and you'll find that you'll focus far more easily on yourself, the submissive/bottom and the person you are topping with. Somehow having that thrid person just acts as a buffer of sorts.

And it's bunches of FUN! For everyone. And you often get to share each top's bags of tricks. *smile*

And if they are really experienced at a form of play you aren't then you have the added opportunity and benefit of getting some experience under your belt with it with someone that knows what they are doing and it's like a one-on-ine demostration. Quite often you'll find that they'll ease any concerns or fears you had that prevented you from exploring that avenue on your own.

Just my 2 cents! *smile*



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (2/3/2006 7:51:21 AM)

Yup. Specially if I am doing a new scene.

My first public topping I did as a co-top which helped a LOT.

The worst time was last Valentines Day when I did a mummification scene with my boyfriend. Those types of scenes aren't done very often and it attracted a LOT of attention. I enjoyed that part. However, it also attracted every "experienced uber dom" to come over, talk about it and give their own little "mini safety talk" to me and the people around me.

I just wanted a scene people!!!

It turned out great in the end, he had a great time being all wrapped up. But grrr!



MistressOfGa -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (2/3/2006 8:25:23 AM)

However, it also attracted every "experienced uber dom" to come over, talk about it and give their own little "mini safety talk" to me and the people around me.

I just wanted a scene people!!!

It turned out great in the end, he had a great time being all wrapped up. But grrr!

Lucky, this is exactly my fear of public scenes. I am afraid that more experienced would approach me and tell me what I did wrong or what I may have forgotten. Maybe one day I will gather the courage to do a scene in public with my pup. I would love to do the mummification scene. What a turn on <s>



Sensualips -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (2/3/2006 9:06:12 AM)

quote:

I am afraid that more experienced would approach me and tell me what I did wrong or what I may have forgotten.


Me too! Or whisper about everything I am screwing up. : ) And while I am certainly open to learning new and/or better ways of doing things, there is a time and a place. I am more concerned on if I am enjoying myself - and the person I am playing with.

Co-topping is a very good idea, and something I will consider in the future - assuming I have an ideal and willing co-top.



ShadeDiva -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (2/3/2006 5:04:03 PM)

Well, this may or may not put you at ease. lol

But really, it's my personal opinion that each dominant NEEDS to face and accept that no matter *what* - no matter how experienced or how long they've explored BDSM - there will ALWAYS be those that whisper, critique and find flaws.

So I think it's something that each person needs to just accept the above and then promptly dismiss it as being important enough to dissuade you from experiencing and growing and having fun.

Why cede them that amount of power to affect how you choose to scene or not scene?

Listen, and more importantly - ASK, those that you have decided you trust their judgement and their experience and knowledge. The rest is just really fodder.

There are plenty of people out there that will point out every flaw, every mistake (and YES we ALL make mistakes when sessioning people, use and view it as an opportunity to learn to do make the same mistake again) all in order to make themselves appear and feel more knowledgable, skilled and experienced to whoever will listen to them.

Not really the type of person that you should grant power to affect your decision to scene in public or not, right? So why allow that fear or worry play a part in how you act in public? We ALL started frim the same place and we likely all made much of the same mistakes. And if we haven't yet, then we might in the future. Shit happens afterall.

JMO, FWIIW.



Dollbecky -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (2/3/2006 5:50:57 PM)

I love public topping ..... It the best thing.
Its public bottoming that freaks me out, I start panicing about my body (do I look good enough to make my Top proud) What if I dont react ? or freak out ...gah its stressfull but I go through my calming rituall in a quiet space to help me focus and just hope I sink into sub space nice and quick .....no stress in sub space :P



Nuke718 -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (2/4/2006 7:41:17 AM)

In an open public venue there is always a likelyhood that somebody will feel more experienced and tell the crowd (if not the Top in the scene) all about the scnes little failures. Not 100% of the time, but enough for me to be annoyed when in in the audience, I can't imagine being the Top.

That coupled with the fact that I have seldom attended an event with anybody I had established a comfortable play style with make me hesitate to Top in public. I have "assisted" in scenes that required more physical effor that 1 person could manage, but not really co-topped. Now with a much smaller group, of well known friends I have done some heavy CP play, and even engaged in sexual Dominance.

Dollbecky brings up another angle tho, I have never, EVER, subbed in font of an audience of any time. A few years ago I wasn't telling most folks that I switched (for various reasones), and I also still have a strong body image issue.

I do not rule out the possibility of doing either topping or bottoming in public in the future. But I can only imagine doing it if I have a certain levle of trust and affinity for the other person/s involved. Only that way can I get past my issues LoL.

N }:-




Evanesce -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (2/4/2006 1:10:16 PM)

quote:

For those of you that enjoy public play, do you ever feel performance anxiety as a top or a bottom? If so, do you feel like that need to prove yourself is part of being accepted as a capable switch that CAN do both? Or maybe that is not really related to identifying as a switch at all, but just something many newer people experience?


Good discussion so far. [:)] Before I answer, I need to clarify that public, for me, means that at least one other person was present and watching.

That said, to date, every scene in which I have topped someone has been public. I don't own a slave of my own, so the opportunity for private simply has never arisen. The only time I felt any level of anxiety over it was the very first time I topped someone, but even then, the nerves were more a result of wanting it to be a good experience for the bottom than whether or not someone watching thought I was doing it right.

I don't worry about "uber dom" interfering with my scene. I've had enough bottoms walk away from a scene with me happy and smiling (and occasionally telling total strangers that I definitely know what I'm doing) to be confident in my own abilities. In fact, I've not once had another dominant attempt to interfere or to tell me I was "doing it wrong." Not sure why that is, but male dominants tend to leave me alone.

On the bottom side, however, I was a nervous wreck the first time I played publicly. It stemmed almost exclusively from deep-seated body image issues. However, once I saw I wasn't the only large woman in the room, and the blindfold was put on me, I completely forgot about everyone watching and settled into the scene. From that point forward, I've been something of an exhibitionist when I'm bottoming.



Sensualips -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (2/4/2006 6:26:19 PM)

quote:

Not really the type of person that you should grant power to affect your decision to scene in public or not, right?


I completely agree with you. Oh, I don't let it impact my decision. I just was musing over the anxiety I have -- I acknowledge it and then work through it.

quote:

Its public bottoming that freaks me out,


I find it interesting I don't have this problem, given I am less expereinced and comfortable as a bottom. Maybe I just don't know any better!



dominmd -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (2/26/2006 6:31:09 PM)

I was a little frightened at first when I first topped in public. Granted I have not been doing it for very long, only in the past year. I get very focused on what I am doing and what the sub is doing. I am paying attention to her breathing, her sounds, and even how she moves her body. So much so, that I am completely oblivious to the goings on around me. The party I attended this past Saturday was a prime example. The main room was packed with people, while the upstairs had few to no people. I was so concentrated on the sub I had with me on the massage table that I did not even hear a sub being spanked just a few feet to my right. After 3 hours of having the sub on the massage table we went upstairs and played some more. After the second session we came back downstairs and did aftercare while watching another couple's scene.

As far as public bottoming for me, it is rare, and is only with very specific people. In private it is even more specific than public play but that is a whole separate topic. I am more comfortable as a public bottom when I am bottoming with someone else.

Each person is psychologically specific in what they like and dislike. There really is no general rule of thumb. People can learn to do things that they are afraid of after a lot of work on both the bottom's and top's part. I believe it really boils down to the chemistry you have with people that you play with. If there is no chemistry between you and another then most likely the scene will not work if it happens at all.



DelightMachine -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (3/4/2006 8:28:02 PM)

quote:

For those of you that enjoy public play, do you ever feel performance anxiety as a top or a bottom?


In my limited experience it's so much about subservience, and I'm concentrating so much on what's going on between me and the top, tuning out the audience, pretty much, that performance anxiety never enters into it. Or maybe I'm just an exhibitionist at heart. For a guy, penis shrinkage is a bit embarassing, but when I'm owned and bottoming in public, then it's just part of the pleasurable humiliation in service to the one I adore. But being the bottom in a public scene has got to be much easier than being a top, right?



Guilty1974 -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (3/5/2006 8:35:18 AM)

As a top, I rarely feel any performance anxiety. First and foremost because it's usually not a performance, but a play scene. Even though we are very much into suspension bondage which often attracts quite an audience, unless we're hired to do a show (which has only happened once yet), it is play, and don't give a sh*t about what people think of it. If you like it, you can watch, if you don't, you look the other way.

As a bottom, my experience is much more limited. What has stuck with me from the one time I bottomed publicly, is how completely normal it felt to be naked and whipped in public. So not much performance anxiety there either, I guess.

Roel



Guilty1974 -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (3/5/2006 8:40:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

However, it also attracted every "experienced uber dom" to come over, talk about it and give their own little "mini safety talk" to me and the people around me.


That's just plain rude. Sometimes, I have the urge to go up to people after their scene to give them some advice on bondage, because I have the feeling that their play could be better than it was, but I always ask if such advice is welcome. If not, fine with me.

What's worse than you have experienced is the uber dom's (nice word) NOT comming to you, but discussing their opions amongst eachother up to point where opinion ends and gossip begins. To quite an extent, i think every public player will have to learn to simply ignore such people.



SimplyV -> RE: Public Topping - Performance Anxiety (3/5/2006 1:49:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Guilty1974

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

However, it also attracted every "experienced uber dom" to come over, talk about it and give their own little "mini safety talk" to me and the people around me.


That's just plain rude. Sometimes, I have the urge to go up to people after their scene to give them some advice on bondage, because I have the feeling that their play could be better than it was, but I always ask if such advice is welcome. If not, fine with me.

What's worse than you have experienced is the uber dom's (nice word) NOT comming to you, but discussing their opions amongst eachother up to point where opinion ends and gossip begins. To quite an extent, i think every public player will have to learn to simply ignore such people.


*giggles evil thoughts*

Would have been 'nice' to ask that very helpful uber dom to explain such "advice" to you as you did those things on him.

"How's this? Good enough?" "Oh.. then how about this?" "oops.. sorry I just gagged you.. sure hope I do the rest just fine"[:D]



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