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AAkasha -> RE: Domme/sub relationship difficulties (1/6/2006 12:35:32 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tristan
Many question the dominance and submissiveness of both posters. I doubt that anyone is completely dominant or submissive. The trick is to find the right balance in any relationship.
The "trick" is to communicate and be honest. We saw two sides of a difficult story and who knows where the reality really is. The one thing that could have improved the situation -- more communication.
There's a huge challenge when someone can't communicate because they don't know what they are feeling. Despite all the more obvious rights/wrongs with the entire situation, the one thing I read between the lines that was a catalyst for the entire blow up was the dominant's growing *resentment* toward her submissive.
She expressed it through anger and confusion and used detachment (don't talk to me for two weeks) as a response. She has "femdom feelings" there's no doubt, but maybe doesn't understand them completely yet.
Resentment is extremely destructive for a femdom. The knee jerk reaction is to turn into a "bitch" and try to "bitch slap" the sub into *knocking it off* (whatever the behavior is) instead of telling him simply "What you are doing is making me uncomfortable."
Where does this resentment come from? In my point of view:
** Resentment that he brought over/loaned/gave femdom videos to her and watched them with her. This makes a woman feel like he is saying, "I want you to be like this." He thought of it as helpful and educational.
** Taking her to see a pro femdom. Same as above, but more intimate, and more "in your face". Wow, check out this stunning goddess I forked over a grand to -- see, THIS is what I like! Oh yeah, and I like you too!
** Gifts. It smacks of "I'm richer than you" to a woman who seems to be humble and poor and money is a trigger in a bad way. It creates a feeling of obligation.
** (speculation) A sub with a lot of experience with pro femdoms has a lot of experiences to talk about. I did this,I did that, oh guess what so and so did to me, oh I paid her this to do that to me, this one time she did that to me and it was mindblowing, ohh I've done x, y z so many times.... -- comparisons grate on femdoms when they are new and learning.
A new femdom reacts to her growing resentments by point a finger and saying "you're topping from the bottom! You're using me! You just want me to be a fantasy object! You only want it your way!" -- and, best of all, "You are NOT a true sub!"
She is saying, "You are not a true sub," because what she is feeling is, "I feel inadequate, out of control, manipulated and uncomfortable. Not empowered. Therefore, you are screwed up."
What can solve all of this? Communication. My first couple experiences with submissives (after dominating vanillas who came with no agenda and no knowledge) were very bumpy and frustrating because I couldn't figure out what I was so impatient and resentful and always feeling manipulated and used.
I learned how to tell subs to leave their expectations, agendas and experiences at the door unless I asked about it. I told them they'd learn to appreciate *my* style or find another partner. I told them I would hear about their fantasies, but not be expected to act upon them. Most of all I told them to let me go at my own pace.
It really isn't easy dealing with overzealous subs out of the gate. Throw in a lack of communication and it's a recipe for disaster.
Akasha
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