Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (Full Version)

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bottominwa -> Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (12/13/2005 7:58:59 PM)

So this girl jump skips to this board from her usual stead on the Gorean boards because of her new found situation.

Those who know her there, know she is Owned by a Gorean Master who is also in the US Army, to whom she has been married ten years...and who is on His third year long deployment to Iraq.

The first two deployments being utter hell for her, this time Master sought out a friend, spent a good deal of time with Him (hunting, gunshows manly men stuff) and between the two of Them They decided on an arrangement more or less by which the Friend would take possession of this girl during Master's deployment for the betterment of her self esteem and mental health.

Now...Master made sure she and the Friend had lots of time together prior to His leaving, and the three of Us worked out idiosynchrosies for the most part before Master left...and so in that centric part of things...all is well that goes well.

The problem lies in that several things are happening as a result of this arrangement.

One...she is beginning to comprehend polyamory from her own perspective...Master has had other girls in the house prior but she had never had other amorous relationships.
she only in theory understood that one could even love more than one person at a time...and now all of a sudden she is experiencing it first hand. And on one hand it is comforting in a "oh now i see Master" sort of way. And on the other hand at times it is terrifying, she doesn't know what it means to love or whatever it is two men. she finds herself feeling torn between them....and all sorts of other western ideas.

Second, the Friend of the house has a wife. A vanilla wife, and all that that entails of the secrecy and et all...just is so complicated and it is so difficult to figure out how to behave and when to behave and every little idiotic nuance that entails from that.

So...just a hi ya...from one who is watching here now trying to make some sense of things and finger things out.

sabrina King



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (12/13/2005 8:59:20 PM)

Gosh you love to complicate your life.

To me the only REAL issue is the fact that you're dealing with someone having an affair. THAT is just playing with fire. But it's your choice and as long as everything remains as it is, then there isn't anything you can do about it. Presumably you entered into the relationship knowing that was the situation and so no one expects it to change.

As far as the other stuff- I go through it too. Every time I find myself drawn into a new relationship, I get that cold water feeling of "OMG, am I gonna lose everyone else?"

Intellectually I KNOW better, experientially I've BEEN through it enough times to know better, but there's still that initial cringing.

You tell the inner voice to shove it and make a good relationship work.



Sensualips -> RE: Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (12/13/2005 9:00:42 PM)

quote:

she doesn't know what it means to love or whatever it is two men. she finds herself feeling torn between them....and all sorts of other western ideas.


Lady Zephyr wrote an excellent post on the "why is it so hard to find poly" thread about being conditioned to believe love among adults is finite. She talks about having an "abundance" mindset to fully understand poly.

Poly, when it is a relationship that is a communion of partners (and regardless of whether those partners are dominant or submissive in the relationship), requires an abundance mindset. There has to be a genuine belief that love is not a "limited resource" -- that it is, instead, a logarithmically increasing resource, that grows with each time that it is shared.

Women -and- men can love anyone who comes into their lives to share love. When we marry, we don't stop loving our parents or close friends. When we have unmentionables, we dont' stop loving the first unmentionable when we have a second, or the first two when we have a third, or whatever.

quote:

A vanilla wife, and all that that entails of the secrecy


Hmm, well this is not so much a poly arrangement as a man cheating on his wife with you, albeit with the approval of your Master. Unless of course, your Friend is a platonic friend just keeping you company and you find yourself having these feelings - which is a whole new problem. Poly is about communication and consent and the vanilla wife in not a consenting party.

(Editing, because that sounded really judgemental and I did not intend it that way. Those are the choices of the people involved. I was just pointing out it was not a typical poly relationship.)



bottominwa -> RE: Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (12/13/2005 11:09:08 PM)

It's alright this girl half expected as much as a response. But yes, the man has been a friend of Our house for years, and We have known a few of His girls. For matters entirely His own He remains married to a vanilla wife, i don't pretend to condone or understand that really...i just let it be.

Instead, my question is more of me and dealing with sharing someone in a situation where i am not the primary partner, and where i have an emotional involvement of my own. With Master and the two girls We have had in Our home, i was not emotionally attached to them in an amorous fashion...and i was the primary relationship so i did not have the same issues with dealing with time and space restrictions etc. Also, i have never been a hidden party to anything so i find the entire experience at times just plain bizarre and stifling. But, all things considered, of the available options this was the best person suited to the task. Being left alone for a third year, was not an option it has done alot to tear up my self esteem and screw with my head and abandonment issues. Master having the forsight to see this approached me with a "how about if We try" scenario and so here We are.

Now...as to the second post...yes that is more of what i need i will try and read through the archives more...because the meat of what is consuming my mental energy is how i am feeling and what it "means" in relationship to my life in this house. Being here ten years, revolving around one person...has kind of put a decisive slant on how i see the world...so this is new to me.

i don't know that saying i like to complicate things is a fair discernment...i certainly didn't choose to be in the predicament i am in...the political chaos of the world right now was certainly not my choosing. But in the end, i am here...and so now what. This was the option presented to me and so i am exploring it to the best of my ability.

Anyhoo, thanks for being cynical...:)

sabrina King



mnottertail -> RE: Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (12/14/2005 5:05:59 AM)

Dear bottominwa,
This may be as useless as tits on a boar, but here goes...

quote:

ORIGINAL: bottominwa
Gorean ....... new found situation.


You are Gorean, you buy the assumption, you buy the deal...this looms as a very real possibility in many DS relations regardless of Gor or Urth.

quote:


Those who know her there, know she is Owned by a Gorean Master who is also in the US Army, to whom she has been married ten years...and who is on His third year long deployment to Iraq.


It can be (I am not saying it is) a form of what happens if I do not come back, who do I will my householdings to? Could be all about him (In the nicest sense). You did not make it ten years by accident.

quote:


The first two deployments being utter hell for her, this time Master sought out a friend, spent a good deal of time with Him (hunting, gunshows manly men stuff) and between the two of Them They decided on an arrangement more or less by which the Friend would take possession of this girl during Master's deployment for the betterment of her self esteem and mental health.

I hope you find self esteem and mental health, then.

quote:


Now...Master made sure she and the Friend had lots of time together prior to His leaving, and the three of Us worked out idiosynchrosies for the most part before Master left...and so in that centric part of things...all is well that goes well.

I am glad that you at least like the feller.

quote:


The problem lies in that several things are happening as a result of this arrangement.
One...she is beginning to comprehend polyamory from her own perspective...Master has had other girls in the house prior but she had never had other amorous relationships.
she only in theory understood that one could even love more than one person at a time...and now all of a sudden she is experiencing it first hand. And on one hand it is comforting in a "oh now i see Master" sort of way. And on the other hand at times it is terrifying, she doesn't know what it means to love or whatever it is two men. she finds herself feeling torn between them....and all sorts of other western ideas.


But she of the caste of the big pants knows certainly, this is of natural order, no? And she is not absolutely without frame of reference in this matter. These thought processes are very normal. You deal with the situation as it stands. I do not know that your Master ordered you to love him. Maybe so, I was not invited to the discussion......He ordered you to serve and grow if I am inferring your words right.

quote:


Second, the Friend of the house has a wife. A vanilla wife, and all that that entails of the secrecy and et all...just is so complicated and it is so difficult to figure out how to behave and when to behave and every little idiotic nuance that entails from that.

As I have read thru the entire post to this time, this was a normal situation to you, having observed it and had discourse with your Master for lo these ten years on the subject......seems you are observant and intelligent enough, pants notwithstanding, to have enough skill and self-confidence and wherewithal to manage yourself and your responses in this manner.......I think you worry to much on this point, in other words.

quote:


So...just a hi ya...from one who is watching here now trying to make some sense of things and finger things out.
sabrina King


At the risk of having you vomit on your shoes........
I say again: The past is behind you. The future will be dealt with in time. You are in the present moment, this is your hour.

So, a great big hi-ya!

You will do well, sabrina King.

Ron



bottominwa -> RE: Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (12/14/2005 6:46:14 PM)

Master Ron,

Yes she will agree she tends to think and protest too much...the Master in question reminded her of that again today...and her Owner as well in an email message that apparently generated after He had spoken to Him..(now doesn't that get pronounly confusing)...lmao....regarding my progress...my state... my focus.

So much has changed for me in a year it is at times head swimming. M sent me back to work after five years hiatus...now starting an MBA program in January and the full time work and the kids and the and the...lol....

So yes...the world appears to be at my doorstep right now...just getting up the courage to step outside is a little difficult...lol good thing i have Good Men behind me pushing me out the door...and locking it behind me.[:D]

sabrina King



LadiesBladewing -> RE: Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (12/14/2005 8:20:56 PM)

Some of the most profound and wonderful advice on situations like this came from my Abbot, when I was in monastary studying to become clergy. I was explaining about how I didn't know how to feel about my cherishing of the path I was on, when I was raised in such a different religion and mindset, and how I worried about how I should be responding to my joy in this, when it was so different from anything I'd known or been raised to believe.

He stopped me after my third time or so going round in circles with this, and asked me "What are you feeling, right now?" I stopped and thought about it... and told him. Then he asked me "And when are you existing?" I didn't understand the question, so he clarified with "Are you living now, or are you living in the past?" I said "I'm living -now-, of course." To which he responded... "Then cherish the feelings of this moment. In a moment it will be gone, and if you miss the chance to celebrate this moment's joy, because you spent that moment worrying about yesterday's sorrow, the moment of joy will have been lost, and you will have no-one to blame but yourself. In the same way, if you spend this moment of joy in worrying about whether there will be more tomorrow, the moment will have passed, and again, you will have squandered that which you could have reveled in."

I will never, ever, in my life, forget that conversation. I swear that if my mind gets eaten away with Altzheimers, I will still have that reminder to be aware, and to cherish the joys of now. Let yourself be open to all of the joy that you are experiencing -- all of the peace -- all of the hope.. don't worry about analyzing what you are feeling. The fact that it brings you joy and peace is enough to tell you that it is a good thing for you. Cherish each moment, without worrying about what the next moment will bring. Now is plenty for us to deal with.

Let yesterday go, and let tomorrow come in its own time. Cherish the joys of the moment, and let everything else wash over you. In this space, you'll find love is the wellspring that is never dry, even if you're not watching to see if the water is still flowing. *smiles*

Lady Zephyr



bottominwa -> RE: Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (12/14/2005 8:29:15 PM)

Lady Zephyr,

Thank You. And thank You again...and again.

This girl won't soon forget Your allegory either.

sabrina King



lovingme -> RE: Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (12/14/2005 10:38:12 PM)

How incredible this entire story is and I wish you knew the troubles I have had and you have just lifted me up and made me feel alive again. Thank you Lady. I was just passing through and your words made me cry. How glorious a view and feeling. I would love to know a person with such a feeling and a heart that could hold it. Thank you Lady.
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing

Some of the most profound and wonderful advice on situations like this came from my Abbot, when I was in monastary studying to become clergy. I was explaining about how I didn't know how to feel about my cherishing of the path I was on, when I was raised in such a different religion and mindset, and how I worried about how I should be responding to my joy in this, when it was so different from anything I'd known or been raised to believe.

He stopped me after my third time or so going round in circles with this, and asked me "What are you feeling, right now?" I stopped and thought about it... and told him. Then he asked me "And when are you existing?" I didn't understand the question, so he clarified with "Are you living now, or are you living in the past?" I said "I'm living -now-, of course." To which he responded... "Then cherish the feelings of tahis moment. In moment it will be gone, and if you miss the chance to celebrate this moment's joy, because you spent that moment worrying about yesterday's sorrow, the moment of joy will have been lost, and you will have no-one to blame but yourself. In the same way, if you spend this moment of joy in worrying about whether there will be more tomorrow, the moment will have passed, and again, you will have squandered that which you could have reveled in."

I will never, ever, in my life, forget that conversation. I swear that if my mind gets eaten away with Altzheimers, I will still have that reminder to be aware, and to cherish the joys of now. Let yourself be open to all of the joy that you are experiencing -- all of the peace -- all of the hope.. don't worry about analyzing what you are feeling. The fact that it brings you joy and peace is enough to tell you that it is a good thing for you. Cherish each moment, without worrying about what the next moment will bring. Now is plenty for us to deal with.

Let yesterday go, and let tomorrow come in its own time. Cherish the joys of the moment, and let everything else wash over you. In this space, you'll find love is the wellspring that is never dry, even if you're not watching to see if the water is still flowing. *smiles*

Lady Zephyr




lovingme -> RE: Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (12/14/2005 10:42:01 PM)

I wish you luck in your relationship with both men. I know what its like to have your heart pulled in two directions. I felt so guilty. Finally I left them all and moved on to a single monogamis relationship and I wish sometimes I hadn't. You will do fine. Lady gave you great words to live by. Now lets see if you can use them and me to. Lucky to be U. Smooches.



mnottertail -> RE: Poly...well maybe...ahh who knows (12/15/2005 4:37:23 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: bottominwa
So yes...the world appears to be at my doorstep right now...just getting up the courage to step outside is a little difficult...lol good thing i have Good Men behind me pushing me out the door...and locking it behind me.[:D]
sabrina King


You could be living in Minnesota with me, closing the door behind you and locking it at 40 below zero would not be your best day to date, I have little doubt.

(Therein are you ALSO happy.......please add that to you list........LOL)

It's ALL good.
Ron



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