RE: Used to love him but had to walk away

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 12/4/2005 7:21:40 PM

subbella

Posts: 237
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Walking away from any relationship is difficult, but it is especially difficult to walk away from a BD/sm relationship, especially as an alpha sub. It was necessary for me to do so, when after spending so many months of opening myself up completely to my Master and showing confidence and trust in our relationship, finding out in a very difficult situation that the trust I felt was there was just an illusion. When a Master is incapable of honest communication with his subs, and through his own fear of intimacy distances himself from the one he claims to hold in his heart as "special", that sub has very little recourse but to remain and "put up" with his lack of consideration of her needs, or leave the situation. I chose the latter. As the months passed, and we began talking again, we have both been able to share our feelings more honestly than before, and our comfort level with each other is improving.

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 12/6/2005 5:46:18 PM

fyreredsub

Posts: 1231
Joined: 10/7/2005
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makes a nifty song title

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 12/7/2005 10:33:57 PM

AkaMystery

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Joined: 11/1/2005
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quote:

share his feelings, tell his weakness, his frailties, his vulnerabilities

My reply wont answer your question but I've learned through experience it's not a good thing to do. In my case, it's been seen as weekness, used not in my favor in different ways. I have to agree with some of what fastlane noted. It does happen, been there done that.

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 12/7/2005 11:22:03 PM

champagnewishes

Posts: 493
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Hollywood, CA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SeverineX

Or conversely, have you ever walked away from a Dom because HE fell in love with you, got completely wrapped around your finger or became too deferential or worried about your feelings, that it destroyed the dom-sub foundation of your relationship?

I have just ended an 18 month relationship with a Dom I met here for that very reason. The problem being it has changed the dynamics of our relationship. It's a tough situation for I probably love him just as much but my needs have not changed. He will be the first to admit, these feelings he has for me have changed him in ways even he does not understand...he will always be my friend...maybe someday my lover, but he can never be my Master again.

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 12/9/2005 6:12:29 PM

mons

Posts: 225
Joined: 11/16/2005
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trueshadow

did you leave her becasue she did not punish you? do you think she began to love you and you did not like this? or was the house work too much and not enough touching it reminds me of a song " if you will let me touch but why can you love me. this remeind me of that. i had a subimissive and i grown to care for him and i did things wrong i did not control him enough i had to let him go he found someone who would do the things i had not learn yet but he wanted that side of me she was not it is love we sometimes the dommes say never fall in love with your submissive i said why not as long as you do no tlose control i try to opne up wiht my submissives but what ie the right way sometime it is a hard time

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 12/9/2005 7:06:02 PM

alejandra

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Joined: 4/6/2005
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I find myself frequently falling into patterns with the former... I think it becomes very hard to delineate sometimes between someone who does genuinely care it but doesn't show it explicitly and someone who simply doesn't care for you and instead simply enjoys having someone at his/her beck and call...

I think it becomes very easy as a sub to become attached very quickly simply because the trust in the relationship has to be especially explicit on your part. and i think that as soon as you develop that kind of trust, even if it's one-sided, it's very hard to see beyond it. it's hard to really think that someone you've trusted with so much could in fact be deceiving you, or at the very least not feeling as strongly for you as you do for them. And I think that if that realisation comes on very suddenly, it can be very brutal to experience.

Conversely, I've also had the opposite, and I would say it's equally tough. It's very hard to walk away from a Dom that genuinely cares about you and shows it ... I'm bad enough at ending relationships as it is, but when someone is so into you, it becomes that much more difficult. as a sub i absolutely hate hurting the feelings of anyone, but especially a Dom ( i know that's not exclusive to subs, it just is very pronounced... i gear my actions towards pleasing others, and doing something to the contrary just becomes very hard for me to wrap my head around)

So in summary, both are awful. Avoid them, if you can. If something feels wrong, even for an instant, take the time to really re-evaluate and try to step back and really understand the situation from both sides. It's worth it! And find out in advance what people are looking for/willing to invest as far as an emotional investment is concerned, and whether that's compatible with your desires.

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 12/10/2005 7:07:59 AM

subbella

Posts: 237
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alejandra -- wow - your situation and mine sound so similar! My former Dom and me are currently in a friendship with the hope of potentially revisiting the Dom/sub relationship we enjoyed for close to a year and a half. If we never get there again, I am finding Him to be a wonderful friend whom I can laugh with and talk to about anything and everything. I still respect Him as my Master, and I love Him as my friend. I am unsure if I am as "in love" with Him in a "romantic" sense as I was a few months ago, because the trust issue still gives me pause. However, He has proven to me that He does care about me, and He has shown me that I am still special to Him, and always will be. So, I guess it is possible for a former Dom/sub couple to continue building on a vanilla friendship, and retain the respect they had for each other as Dom/sub. It is a new arena for me, but I want this man in my life, and if He remains in my life as a friend, then I am a very lucky woman, for He is a wonderful friend!!! If He becomes a true Master to me again someday, then I will be doubly blessed!!!!!!!!!

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SUBMISSION . . . it isn't her pasttime, it's her calling.

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 12/10/2005 11:29:16 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 1231
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ah great words of wisdom,thank you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: alejandra

I find myself frequently falling into patterns with the former... I think it becomes very hard to delineate sometimes between someone who does genuinely care it but doesn't show it explicitly and someone who simply doesn't care for you and instead simply enjoys having someone at his/her beck and call...

I think it becomes very easy as a sub to become attached very quickly simply because the trust in the relationship has to be especially explicit on your part. and i think that as soon as you develop that kind of trust, even if it's one-sided, it's very hard to see beyond it. it's hard to really think that someone you've trusted with so much could in fact be deceiving you, or at the very least not feeling as strongly for you as you do for them. And I think that if that realisation comes on very suddenly, it can be very brutal to experience.

Conversely, I've also had the opposite, and I would say it's equally tough. It's very hard to walk away from a Dom that genuinely cares about you and shows it ... I'm bad enough at ending relationships as it is, but when someone is so into you, it becomes that much more difficult. as a sub i absolutely hate hurting the feelings of anyone, but especially a Dom ( i know that's not exclusive to subs, it just is very pronounced... i gear my actions towards pleasing others, and doing something to the contrary just becomes very hard for me to wrap my head around)

So in summary, both are awful. Avoid them, if you can. If something feels wrong, even for an instant, take the time to really re-evaluate and try to step back and really understand the situation from both sides. It's worth it! And find out in advance what people are looking for/willing to invest as far as an emotional investment is concerned, and whether that's compatible with your desires.

_____________________________

The glory of a slave girl is that she is a slave: and the misery of a slave girl is that she is a slave.
"Beasts of Gor" page 56

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 2/18/2006 9:28:18 AM

SirDiscipliner69

Posts: 82
Joined: 2/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gunship

in my control of plantlady64 the mushy stuff leaks out through my armor and drips down my blade.
like the life blood that sustains me. a sub many years ago helped me see the balance of the 2.
its like a father that knows not to spare the rod so he wont spoil the child,but he must show love to build a balance sub/child. so is our quest for balance my trusted comrade.

Qui bene amat bene castigat - he who loves well chastises well

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 2/18/2006 11:20:52 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 688
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Interesting thread which i wouldn't have seen but for Sir Discipliner to bring it back to the top of the list. Since it's on my mind...

i asked release of a former Master who began to love me, and tried to compensate by turning cruel and abusive. He didn't know how to love while still maintaining control and authority. His way of dealing with it was to berate me constantly, and ultimately (whether intentional or not) convinced me that i could never please anybody, and was a poor excuse of a slave. He lived 20 minutes from me and would not let me see him, because i "didn't deserve to." After nearly 40 days of emotional beatings and being told he could not decide whether to keep me or not, a Dominant friend helped me gain the courage to walk away.

In my current situation, my Master loves me, but does not say it often. i see it in the way he sometimes looks at me. i see it in the way he looks out for me. i see it in his teachings, and in the way he dominates me. In two years he has told me 4 times that he loves me. i burst into tears every time he does. He does not give up one iota of control, however. He knows i need his control, and said if he softened at all it would destroy what we have. i believe him. It works for us.

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 2/18/2006 12:58:56 PM

yun

Posts: 105
Joined: 10/21/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SeverineX

Have you ever walked away from a Dom because you loved him too much?

i have walked away from him, which was the hardest thing in the world to do. However it was a bit of a flip side for me. love was never a problem for us, and it didn't interfere with our M/s relationship. however in the end it wasn't enough as there were too many issues otherwise between us. i think i gave it the extra chance because of our love, though that made it just much harder to walk away. i prefer to serve without that deep emotional attachment just to keep things clearer of what the expectations are.

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 2/18/2006 1:15:47 PM

mons

Posts: 225
Joined: 11/16/2005
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it happen to me i fell in love with my submiisve but ithought i did something wrong i felt so uncomfortable he began to change not submissive as he was, but i know different now it was not either one of our fault i fell for the guy i am with now andit is ok we are comofrtable istill have my domme side and he is still submissive the first man was just not for me when it is the right person it happens and things are okay, that is my side of it

wish greetings
mons

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 2/18/2006 1:18:29 PM

windy135

Posts: 259
Joined: 10/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SeverineX

Have you ever walked away from a Dom because you loved him too much? Because he didn't do what a lover would do -- relinquish some control in the name of love. Because he steadfastly refused to open up to you, share his feelings, tell his weakness, his frailties, his vulnerabilities -- everything that makes him a man in love instead of a Master. Because he refused to be vulnerable. Because he just didn't love you back...

Yes I have left him many times... lol I don't know why I keep going back, even if its for a moment. (moment being 2 hours) I don't go back all the time. Just once in a while on a lonely night. And I leave him knowing more about what I want and how I don't want him.

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RE: Used to love him but had to walk away - 2/18/2006 1:46:39 PM

krikket

Posts: 380
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
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i'm not sure either of the situations is exactly what i've been through, but probably closest would be the first, and yes, after a certain period of time, i did leave. It was incredibly difficult -- it's a "big, bad, lonely world out there, and what if i never find another "one"?. i finally had to accept that my love just wasn't enough -- not for me and not really for him. i need to be loved back, at least enough for him to open himself up to me and to trust me as totally as i trusted him. That didn't happen..and wasn't ever going to happen. It hurt like hell..and in the deepest part of the night, it still does from time to time. There came a time, however, that i had to do what was right for me -- to not settle, but to get out into the world and find either either the other part of my soul, so i'd be whole. i believe that love, no matter the kind, makes us whole, i give him half my soul and he gives me half of his. i realized that although he had my soul, with nothing of his, i was empty..and that wasn't making me happy.

Good luck..

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeverineX

Have you ever walked away from a Dom because you loved him too much? Because he didn't do what a lover would do -- relinquish some control in the name of love. Because he steadfastly refused to open up to you, share his feelings, tell his weakness, his frailties, his vulnerabilities -- everything that makes him a man in love instead of a Master. Because he refused to be vulnerable. Because he just didn't love you back...

Or conversely, have you ever walked away from a Dom because HE fell in love with you, got completely wrapped around your finger or became too deferential or worried about your feelings, that it destroyed the dom-sub foundation of your relationship?

(Think: The end of 9 1/2 weeks where Mickey Rourke tries to open up about his life but by this time it's too late)

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Cor ad cor loquitur (Heart speaks to heart)

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