Mentors, What are they, and how do they help?

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Mentors, What are they, and how do they help?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Mentors, What are they, and how do they help?

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Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 5:23:02 AM

SirButchTX

Posts: 17
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I'm not asking this question for knowledge as much as I'm asking it to see if anyone even cares. Early on, my submissive and myself sought the help and guidance of a local "Dom" whom we had befriended. It didn't take long to figure out that this guy was a "book" dom and he hadn't gotten past Jay Weismans SM 101. That relationship failed but not because of the decision to seek a mentor. After a couple of years floundering around in the lifestyle and failing miserably in a couple of attempts at D/s relationships, I decided I needed some guidance and I sought out someone I could trust to help guide me.
I first set out my goals, needs, and desires. Where was I going, what did I need to get there, and what did I want to accomplish when I got there. Having this information in hand, I started looking in earnest for someone I admired and trusted, someone who had something I wanted. I searched for several months at our public parties and muches. I narrowed my search down to a scant three or four people. I gave myself two more months before I narrowed the field down to one. A man of impeccable charachter, manners, and a firm grasp of who and what he was without the flamboyant "I'm a master, hear me roar" mentality.
I still study under my Mentor when time allows and have been doing so for almost three years now.
What does a Mentor teach? My Mentor taught me to find myself. He constantly gave me assignments that made me search my innermost being for answers. He asked the tough questions like "what do you want out of this?" My Mentor helped me define myself within this lifestyle. He taught me that if we do not know ourselves, we can never expect to know another. He taught me that a Dominant without a submissive who is submitting to them is just another person on the planet.
So who among us has taken that very frightening step into their own psyche, asked for guidance and survived it intact to find a place in the lifestyle where they can confidently say"I belong here"?

SirButchTX

Post #: 1

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 5:42:32 AM

Synocense

Posts: 215
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline

Hello,

I did not have a Mentor when starting out, nor have I had one since. However, you are not the first person that I have heard praise the work of one. First, I personally think it is rare that a person, especially one who defines themself as Dominant within this lifestyle, to seek out the teachings of another, especially to the extent you have. I admire that greatly. I do not claim to feel it is mandatory. Instead, I adhere to the idea that if there is something you wish to know and cannot find the answer alone, look outside of yourself ...even if the answer is *within* yourself. I see this sort of education the same way I see a Master who seeks out the service of another to help him in understanding better methods in which to deal with his slave, if it is a case in which his own methods are not working. Too many I have witnessed are quick to say "well, you just cant get it" or "we aren't compatible because you don't want to do what I say" -- when in reality, it could be simple solution whereas it is the methods that could make all the difference. Enlightenment may come to you from out of the blue, I don't think knowledge does. It is something we have to search for : ) I took that path and am still walking it.

Thank you for sharing some of yourself with us.

Syn

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to SirButchTX)

Post #: 2

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 6:29:56 AM

candystripper

Posts: 1657
Joined: 11/1/2005
From: Upstate New York; living in Ohio
Status: offline

quote:

What does a Mentor teach? My Mentor taught me to find myself. He constantly gave me assignments that made me search my innermost being for answers. He asked the tough questions like "what do you want out of this?" My Mentor helped me define myself within this lifestyle. He taught me that if we do not know ourselves, we can never expect to know another. He taught me that a Dominant without a submissive who is submitting to them is just another person on the planet.
So who among us has taken that very frightening step into their own psyche, asked for guidance and survived it intact to find a place in the lifestyle where they can confidently say"I belong here"?

SirButchTX

My mentor -- whom i have not spoken with in ages -- kept me safe; taught me what the "interests and skills" were; helped to classify me as a pleasure sub with slave tendencies....without Him i'd be in a cage in some sadist's basement. i owe Him a great debt; we were constantly in contact for about 1 1/2 years; He read the profiles of the men who emailed me and approved/disapproved any real life meeting. i feel ready and able to cope alone, but i miss Him; He was a generous and kind friend.

camdystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 11/25/2005 6:30:55 AM >

_____________________________

Ovid's "Art of Love"
http://www.san.beck.org/AB5-EmpireofAugustus.html

Love hides a multitude of faults.. ~Anon.~

(in reply to SirButchTX)

Post #: 3

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 6:40:00 AM

krikket

Posts: 380
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

i've been giving the idea of having a mentor serious thought lately, which raises whole host of questions: 1) mals; 2)female; 3) the real deal and not just someone who wants a quick lay 4) i don't know what else,m 5) i know even less on how to find one.

Any ideas y'all?

Thanks.
jimini

_____________________________

We could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some pretty, some dull, or have weird names, and all are different colors, but all have to learn to live in the same box.

Cor ad cor loquitur (Heart speaks to heart)

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 4

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 6:53:34 AM

JohnWarren

Posts: 1931
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

I'm a bit sensitive about the term "mentor" since back in the 80s and 90s before I "came out" under my own name, my scene name was "Mentor." (Like most good scene names, it was given to me rather than being chosen by me.)

Anyone can call themselves a "mentor" these days, particularly online where reputation changes with one's screen name. In fact, given the time and other pressures on those who really want to help others, I'd be leery to anyone who advertised himself or herself as a mentor, particularly someone who wants to mentor his or her complement (male dom/female sub). It is much too easy for this to become exploitive.

Usually, I advise people who want to learn not to limit themselves to one teacher, but seek out those who have skills or are in relationships they would like to emulate. Eventually, you'll find someone you click with and you'll find yourself a mentor.

The old style of mentoring is/was an intense one-on-one relationship. It required committment on the part of both parties. I still think it is the best, but like all "bests," it's hard to bring to fruition, and like all relationships, it's often best happened upon rather than sought.

_____________________________

----
www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to SirButchTX)

Post #: 5

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 7:02:04 AM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 392
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

Personally, I can't get past my sense of independence to allow someone to teach me "how to find myself." This especially precludes using someone I feel the need to describe with a capital M when typing mentor. This does not mean I won't discuss anything with others or observe them do things. I do not know it all by any means, but it is not for me to have assignments to do for another dom.

If it works for you, Butch, I admire you for doing it. I'm sure others, also, admire your courage to post what you said here.

Subs who have a dom mentor should be very careful. Anytime I hear a sub talking about wanting a dom mentor, I feel like saying, "Come here and sit on ExistentialSteel's lap and let me tell you about things."

If the mentor plays with you while telling you that you are not for him, think about it...unless that is what you want. Again, if it works for you, go for it.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to SirButchTX)

Post #: 6

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 7:03:31 AM

candystripper

Posts: 1657
Joined: 11/1/2005
From: Upstate New York; living in Ohio
Status: offline

quote:

Anyone can call themselves a "mentor" these days, particularly online where reputation changes with one's screen name. In fact, given the time and other pressures on those who really want to help others, I'd be leery to anyone who advertised himself or herself as a mentor, particularly someone who wants to mentor his or her complement (male dom/female sub). It is much too easy for this to become exploitive.

Usually, I advise people who want to learn not to limit themselves to one teacher, but seek out those who have skills or are in relationships they would like to emulate. Eventually, you'll find someone you click with and you'll find yourself a mentor.

The old style of mentoring is/was an intense one-on-one relationship. It required committment on the part of both parties. I still think it is the best, but like all "bests," it's hard to bring to fruition, and like all relationships, it's often best happened upon rather than sought.

JohnWarren

The Mentor i remained with was not the first man to suggest this to me. The first one was in his 60's; extremely sadistic; wanted to isolate me; told me i'd have to send my private thoughts every day and eventually come to him for "training". The second -- the one i was blessed with -- told me this was BS and i should speak to anyone i wished. He held the reigns as to whom i'd meet in real life because i was scared and needed His guidance. He taught me so much about BDSM and helped me discover things about myself; He was truely generous and only wanted to help. He never exploited me in any way.

i was considering asking my Dom and Master friends to act as mentors for the youngest submissives and slaves, but then i was distracted and did not follow through. i know at least one friend has mentoring experience and has been a terrific sounding board for me.

i guess i have been blessed.

candystripper

_____________________________

Ovid's "Art of Love"
http://www.san.beck.org/AB5-EmpireofAugustus.html

Love hides a multitude of faults.. ~Anon.~

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 7

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 7:05:59 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 311
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: krikket

i've been giving the idea of having a mentor serious thought lately, which raises whole host of questions: 1) mals; 2)female; 3) the real deal and not just someone who wants a quick lay 4) i don't know what else,m 5) i know even less on how to find one.

When I was new I didn't have a mentor, for me the concept just hasn't ever really resonated much. If you are going to look for a mentor I'd look for someone who I got along with, general philosophies on life (including BDSM/DS/etc) meshed with mine, and had experience in the areas I was looking to gain experience in. And of course that they were actually interested in being a mentor (and had the time for it).

I wouldn't suggest trying to push yourself to find one quickly, I tend to think that when its time you'll just find it.

C~

_____________________________

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style"

- Despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 8

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 7:28:11 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 384
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

I felt quite comfortable with the mental and some of the physical aspects of what I enjoyed, but needed guidance with SM techniques. I was fortunate to become involved with a local group of Dommes who met once a month for discussion and support. Some of the other Dommes allowed me to practice flogging, caning, etc. on their subs with their guidance. It was a wonderful experience and one that opened up a "new world" to me in the lifestyle.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to SirButchTX)

Post #: 9

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 7:49:44 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I totally concur with John.

The IDEA of a mentor is a good one- not just in bdsm, but life in general.

The problem is that in the scene "mentor" usually just means "safe way for a guy to get his foot in the door under the guise of being "helpfull."

The other problem is this idea that subs somehow NEED someone else, rather than just being powerful on their own and understanding that they can simply learn as they do in other cultures.

The other problem is that so often subs say they need mentors because they are in over their heads. Well, how can they know how to choose a good mentor then? Somehow they think they have THAT skill in judgement, but nothing else.

So I say again, learn from everyone, from all situations, be yourself and recognize that if you need a mentor, it should be someone you connect with and who ultimately empowers you to make your own choices.

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 10

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 8:09:39 AM

Phoenxx

Posts: 246
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Winnipeg
Status: offline

I have found it more useful to do more peers counselling rather then a mentoring system. That way everyone can gain benefits from it.
I do believe that you can have people that teach you skills, such as flogging, hot waxing and such, but that dominance comes from whom you are.
My understanding about Doms mentoring submissive is that there should be no sexual contact, and that if deep feeling start to develop, the Dom needs to end the mentoring phase. Not my cup of tea so to speak.
Tony

(in reply to SirButchTX)

Post #: 11

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 8:10:22 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 851
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: krikket

i've been giving the idea of having a mentor serious thought lately, which raises whole host of questions: 1) mals; 2)female; 3) the real deal and not just someone who wants a quick lay 4) i don't know what else,m 5) i know even less on how to find one.

Any ideas y'all?

Thanks.
jimini

I'd say ask someone you've seen or talked to that you admire to be your mentor. I don't honestly think that sex, gender, or role matter that much as long as the person you asked is focused on helping your explore and clarify things for yourself.

I've mentored men and women both, tops and switches too, rarely a submissive or bottom usually because that too easily turns into scening.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 12

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 8:55:35 AM

Delvin

Posts: 151
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

When I first started asking the questions of what is this and who am I in this life I spoke to many people with different outlooks on this life. I befriended two men who I felt comfortable with and began the onslaught of questions in hopes of some answers. Some were answered, some never. I havent spoken to them in 10 years now though they did exactly what I was looking for, someone who could guide me into this life with the tools needed to survive it. A Mentor can be very comforting as long as you yourself realize that they are there for one purpose, to guide you through the unknown. Once you are there, you are set free to explore on your own and make your own decisions.

Having a Mentor isn't required ever but to be blessed by one who honestly has your best interests at heart is never a bad thing. Like everything in life, knowledge is what we make it, we can take all the facts we want and memorize them, but until we actually step out the door and begin to live them, we are still just daydreaming.

Enjoy the search of You

D

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 13

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 8:56:06 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 1767
Joined: 11/17/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I guess I can say that my first Dom is now sort of a mentor, lol. Though we don't see each other any more on a regular basis ( distance was the issue for both of us; we live more than 5 hours from each other. His work got in the way, and finding suitable care for my daughter got in my way) We still talk, and if there is someone that I am interested in meeting, he first talks to them. On one occassion, he came here to actually meet the person. He does not approve or disapprove of anyone, but gives me his advice and relys on my own instinct to make a decision. I am extremely grateful that I have him there for me when I need him.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 14

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 9:25:54 AM

ImpGrrl

Posts: 157
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
I wouldn't suggest trying to push yourself to find one quickly, I tend to think that when its time you'll just find it.

I'm a firm believer in "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear".

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 15

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 9:29:51 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 1767
Joined: 11/17/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

I'm a firm believer in "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear".

LOL, I had someone actually tell me that. He turned out to be a total quack. But at the same time, I also half-way believe it also. When you are ready, the one that you seek, will appear.

(in reply to ImpGrrl)

Post #: 16

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 9:35:05 AM

ImpGrrl

Posts: 157
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
LOL, I had someone actually tell me that. He turned out to be a total quack. But at the same time, I also half-way believe it also. When you are ready, the one that you seek, will appear.

Well, it makes sense when *you're* telling *yourself* you're ready - not when someone is using it as a pick-up line :)

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 17

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 10:02:07 AM

Sunshine119

Posts: 244
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirButchTX

What does a Mentor teach? My Mentor taught me to find myself. He constantly gave me assignments that made me search my innermost being for answers. He asked the tough questions like "what do you want out of this?" My Mentor helped me define myself within this lifestyle. He taught me that if we do not know ourselves, we can never expect to know another. SirButchTX

Geez.....I run into alot of these people on a daily basis. They call themselves "therapists" and charge $150/hr....lol. On a more serious side though, I'd have to agree with JohnWarren, LuckyAlbatross and others who have warned about the predatory side of self-styled "mentors".

If you need to "find yourself" or don't know who you really are (or what your orientation may be, etc), find a kink friendly therapist. There is a list of them of Gloria Bramme's site. If you are looking for technique or need to "learn the rules" attend as many functions as you can. It will become clear quickly. If you go looking for a mentor, he/she may ultimately just be looking for easy prey. We all have instincts. They are there for a reason. If something feels wrong, it probably is. And we are all capable of seeing reality, IF that is what we want. Both subs and doms are often in this for the fantasy itself.

(in reply to SirButchTX)

Post #: 18

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 10:08:03 AM

krikket

Posts: 380
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

With one notable exception of about 18 months, i've been on my own for 7 years. Obviously something i'm doing/or not doing isn't working right. i guess what i'm trying to say is that perhaps it's time to open my options a little more, look into finding a mentor who is willing to teach me how to find my own answers (i really don't want them handed to me on a silver platter).

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

quote:

ORIGINAL: krikket

i've been giving the idea of having a mentor serious thought lately, which raises whole host of questions: 1) male; 2)female; 3) the real deal and not just someone who wants a quick lay 4) i don't know what else 5) i know even less on how to find one.

When I was new I didn't have a mentor, for me the concept just hasn't ever really resonated much. If you are going to look for a mentor I'd look for someone who I got along with, general philosophies on life (including BDSM/DS/etc) meshed with mine, and had experience in the areas I was looking to gain experience in. And of course that they were actually interested in being a mentor (and had the time for it).

I wouldn't suggest trying to push yourself to find one quickly, I tend to think that when its time you'll just find it.

C~

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 19

RE: Mentors, What are they, and how do they help? - 11/25/2005 12:31:25 PM

harmony3709

Posts: 260
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline

I have been involved in or known of BDSM for over 4 years, and still consider myself to be somewhat of a newbie. I am owned and consider my Master to be a mentor in some ways (using the word "mentor" very loosly), but I would love to have a mentor in addition to what I learn from Master, as I've had mentors in various other aspects of my life and feel they can be invaluable, assuming there is a "good fit" there.

My Master has had five mentors over the many years he has been in the lifestyle, and in fact, at the recent passing of his last mentor, he commented that this is the first time he has not had a mentor and there are still times when he misses having that kind of relationship.

However, what I would like is a submissive/slave who would be willing to mentor me. Even when I was single, to me the dom mentorship of a submissive seemed more protective (or predator) than what I look for in a mentor/mentee relationship and the mentors I have had in other areas of my life have been people either currently in or who have been in the position I am learning. Unless a dominant has been a submissive (and not just bottomed in a scene), I just have a hard time seeing how they can truly relate to being a submissive or a slave.

Blessed be,
harmony

(in reply to SirButchTX)

Post #: 20

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