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LadiesBladewing -> RE: A confused frustration (11/26/2005 4:03:27 PM)
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I also heard about this letter. The trick is, people who send this kind of letters have already chosen who will receive the letter -- and they choose (with good reason) people whose history of response has supported the answer that they want. That is why it is such a betrayal on the occasions when the trusted advice columnist makes a U-turn and tells the writer exactly what he or she -doesn't- want to hear.
That mother would never have sent her letter to my column (Dear Abbess). My response history has always been pro-poly and pro-gender flexible, as long as everyone is involved of hir own free will. I've also been an open proponent of teaching families how to welcome earlier generations and teach them about the realities of living in an alternative family arrangement of -any- shade.
That being said, I have to agree with the poster who said "don't bring this up for the first time over the holidays." This kind of conversation should be held in a quiet, low-stress time of the year, and the person who initiates it needs to make sure that everyone has time to hash through the issues that will crop up, make sure questions are answered -and- have information so that confused (and potentially angry) family members or friends can ask a third party or look up responses to the most common of their questions. Some of the questions may not crop up until well after the initial discussion, and if the initiator "drops and runs", it leaves the impression of sneaking and trying to deceive, even if that wasn't the intention at all.
If you've already talked it out with the family, and everyone's questions were answered, however, and an understanding was reached that these people are your beloved mates, and the family still chooses to cut out the "extra" partners, it's time to make a really tough decision. An individual could choose to push the issue, and that might not be a bad thing if it was a small squick factor, and getting past this barrier would allow the family to be whole (and happy) for the holiday. On the other hand, if it is going to mean a great deal of stress and discomfort all the way 'round, it might mean spending the holiday with the family-of-choice, rather than the blood-kin... or having the affected individual choose one mate to take, and arrange some wonderful family time for the whole family-of-choice some time down the road.
For me, if my family invited me somewhere and my beloveds weren't welcome, that would be the end of the choice for me. I've told my blood-kin that if they can't take me as I am, then perhaps it is best that neither of us are stressed by the encounter. One of my blood-kin has taken me up on that, and we don't speak except for the rare phone occasion. My father, though, adores SilverRose, and was fond of PhantomDream and Ebony as well. My ex's wife isn't keen on our way of life, but she hasn't cut my mates out, even though she is less than gracious at times. I understand. What we are and do flies in the face of her beliefs. I also respect that she accepts us for the sake of the unmentionables that her husband (my ex) and I share, who love all of their co-parents dearly, and hate to miss a chance to visit with them. So D chokes down her disgust, and opens her house. My ex is openly supportive of our choice, and enjoys spending time with SilverRose. He was ambivalent about PhantomDream and Ebony, but I can understand that, too. Usually, we choose not to overtax D's understanding, and to act with compassion by choosing to do something with the unmentionables away from their home, and then stand around outside and talk to my ex for a while when we drop the unmentionables off. I respect D, and respect that her home is sacred to her, and that we are the antithesis of what she considers "moral". She, in turn, has to give me credit for respecting her feelings as often as I can without actively hurting one of my unmentionables' feelings (like if one of the unmentionables invites us in for a treat that xhe wants to make for us -- or wants us all to come see a piece of artwork or the gown for the Winter Formal or the like).
Having one's beloveds all together for holidays sometimes means making compromises. Each of us has to decide what is important. I am often frustrated by those who will put a doctrine above the happiness of their blood-kin, but my frustration doesn't help -- I always hope that continued education and living joyfully and openly, without needing to rub peoples' faces in what I believe will help shift the balance.
Lady Zephyr
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