Poking at Pain on Purpose (Full Version)

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Sensualips -> Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/22/2005 8:31:21 PM)

When a casual long-distance relationship with one my partners didn't work out, we parted amiably with well wishes. No one was at fault - he was struggling with jealousy, with typical ldr issues, and ultimately he just was no longer getting what he needed out of it. It was as friendly and as pain-free as possible. I was saddened, but pleased it ended well.

A few days later I got a three page email from him, seeking "closure." His idea of closure was to take every personal thing I had ever revealed to him, perform amatuer psychoanalysis, and give me his feedback along with suggestions for self improvement. Wow, thanks - I wasn't actually feeling all that bad about this split, but now with this closure exercise I am sort of hurt and angry.

His basic diagnosis was I was grew up a parentized child in a disfunctional family infected with addiction, resulting in my emotional detachment and use of sex to self regulate/self medicate/control - but always seeking the next great rush or high. Well duh, tell me something we don't all know. Then he listed out all my perceived flaws (and his) and , along with disapproval for specific interests/behaviors. I decided a nonresponse was the best course of action.

I don't share this to seek advice on handling the situation or to hear anyone say oh yeah, he was a jerk. He is actually a very good guy, but just moving through the best he can. No, I just had an observation about relationships, poly or otherwise.

To me this was such a classic response, I really should have seen it coming. People have a need to feel they made an emotional impact on someone else, even in a somewhat casual but ongoing relationship. When a departure is too easy or amiable, it is seen as "not even caring." Then a shitty thing must be done, to illicit that response and show what you are giving up DID matter on some level. If I think hard, I have even done it. I am just dismissive and snippy though.

So has anyone ever had a completely friendly split? Have you ever had a split that went so well or was so easy, that you were a little offended? Have you ever done something silly or mean to create that "break up drama" just so you (or your partner) would FEEL it?





luvdragonx -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/22/2005 9:30:20 PM)

Not exactly. I did feel the sting of a breakup that seemed WAY too easy for the other person. And like you said, I pushed buttons until I got a response that I thought meant that I was indeed worth the time. No one likes to feel disposable. In hindsight, I can say that it was silly of me to do so, but I understand so much more about myself now than I did then.




jamesthehumanrug -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/22/2005 9:48:59 PM)

greetings, sensual ,
DON'T KNOW, IF THIS IS THE SUBJECT, TO YOUR POST, CAUSE I DID'NT READ ALL ....BUT ,I GOT SOME OF THE MATTERS
geees,
another long dying-act i guess; like this reply(SORRY).
i was always
the one left.
i know it's a drama-train ,but ,it made, for good scripts ,and ,verbatim stuff was sure profitable, to plagiarze ,FOR STALKERS,
anyway
i learned, to say, so what
,thro an x party
and whoever don't come is a real rotton egg
all tops, and ,their ego ,esp. women i knew, enuff, to" worship" were sophisticated, enuff, to meet each, other half way ,and, have a party ,or, not loose face ,and, be a wet-ragg party pooper, esp ,over me;
too smart,
but, when the party ended; late next day a.m.; i saw nurses, and, scientists ,and ,sexy;, gay,; and, bi ,and, straights, to die, for tops
.... make that final look,at me, and ,my best friend; their host send them,off ,at the door,
and, i got, that i can't hide it anymore: i'm disgusted face ,so it was worth it
i thot they were all more attractive(haughty)
i laffed my Azzzz ,off ,WITH (my best friend)THE ONE WHO DID:
the song,with me...called:
,-IF YOU'LL BE MY BODYGUARD-
she, ALSO
GOT RIPPED ,AND, PLAGAIRZED, AND, TAPPED, AND, BUGGED ,AND,FILMED,(if she don't verify; she's dead ?,or got paid....),
but, I, ALSO DEFINATLEY got,into more trouble,....
in bed....
later....
,so: it's worth being able, to, not die, thru anything ,
cause you die alone;
sooner, or later,
and, no one's ever comming back ,that time, so....
you better be: able ;ready, and, willing, now, and, forget the PROBLEM- brakeups,
esp., in s ,and, m circles;
we like, to stick, together, too much,
to cut, off an arm, or leg cause someone leaves
....,just be happy people can,or want, to be happy
,and, do what they want,
that
should make you secretly very happy!
*you know this person(ALWAYS WILL)
*you know they are happy
*you can call anytime ,unless you're busy, too.
THE ONE WHO IS THE MOST GRACIOUS wins....




veronicaofML -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/22/2005 10:48:48 PM)

friendly split?

never!
everyone i ever split with in this world hates my guts. just like some folks on here that havent even met me.
but then, i am an out-there in your face kinda dude. i tend to ruffle feathers coz i dont sugar coat it.
take care




lovingmaster45 -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/23/2005 3:40:50 AM)

All of my splits have been terrific. Of course there is some sadness; but I am still wonderful friends with them all; and there are a lot. My sub gale, married Master Robert; I performed the ceremony and hosted the reception. My sub cindy married Tom and we are swing partners. My sub gale marie found a 24/7 one-on-one...he hates me but she still adores me. I could go on and on; but you get the picture. I guess some of us just do break ups better than others.




LadiesBladewing -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/23/2005 3:54:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

So has anyone ever had a completely friendly split? Have you ever had a split that went so well or was so easy, that you were a little offended? Have you ever done something silly or mean to create that "break up drama" just so you (or your partner) would FEEL it?


I've had some pretty easy splits, including a very amicable divorce. Every so often, though, I forget that we -are- divorced, and I'll say something, and there will be this moment of completely uncomfortable silence on the other end of the phone -- or he will say something and I will suddenly remember -why- we got divorced. We're friends -- but sometimes maintaining the friendship is difficult, like maintaining the marriage was (and usually for the same reasons). Fortunately, with the friendship, we can go to our separate corners and sulk (yes, we both sulk) and take the time we need to just get over whatever set us off this time.

Sometimes, you can't be friends with an ex. The incompatibilities that made the relationship not work pervade even into the "friend/acquaintance" area, and letting go is the least painful way to get past the whole issue. Sometimes, it isn't clear-cut, because both parties are good folk, and generally nice people -- but put them together and there is this strain on the fabric of the universe.

I'm trying to think if I ever did the "drama-break" thing. I'd like to think I never have, but I wouldn't count on it. I remember being -in- a couple of them, and I think, in a couple of them, I responded to the bait when I should have just let it ride. Congrats to the OP for thinking before responding. I'd hazard this is as good a time as any to put a thought out to the Universe saying "sorry" to any of my ex's that I've thoughtlessly Drama Queened instead of just letting us both go our own way in peace.

Lady Zephyr




smilezz -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/23/2005 4:18:22 AM)

quote:

So has anyone ever had a completely friendly split?

Actually...yeah. My ex and i are on very good speaking terms, there was no sour divorce. I think once we realized things were over, we both absolutely agreed that what we needed to focus on was our unmentionable instead of picking at each other. The unmentionable is happy, healthy...loves her mom and dad...simply adores Thorns, simply adores her father's new girlfriend too.

I will also add that i happen to adore Thorns' former mother-in-law and ex-wife. They even came here and stayed at our home for 3 weeks. They are great people, i miss them terribly and can't wait to see them again.


Happy Pre-Turkey Day!

~smilezz~




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/23/2005 6:08:34 AM)

My pattern tends to be that we separate completely after the split, and then over the years we stay in touch and just become friends.

I had an ex who did pretty much the same thing that yours did.




OsideGirl -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/23/2005 12:35:48 PM)

Sheesh, I hate armchair psycholigists. I have a psych degree, and I have enough sense to realize that you should never psycho-analyze your own relationships. You're just way too close to the emotion to get an unbiased view.

Yes, I have had a friendly break up. The ex Dom and I are still friends. Master thinks he has ulterior motives, I tend to think otherwise. <shrug>




Sensualips -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/23/2005 5:26:30 PM)

My pattern is similar to LA, and the time completely separating pretty much depends on the intensity or commitment of the relationship. No scientific formula - it just worked out that way.

Of course, with my ex-husband that was not a possibility due to the co-parenting of the children. It was pattern-less.

Lady Zephyr, I especially experienced some of those oh-wait-we-are-divorcing moments with my former husband. Conversation and laughter and then a feeling of oops, did we slip back into an inappropriate intimacy or shared moment? Other times it is the opposite - like talking to a stranger.

Thanks for the responses.




FelinePersuasion -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/24/2005 8:40:18 PM)

Yup. I had a bf in newyork and I met him once for a week and we had lots of fun but I needed more than online only and he couldn't give me anything I wanted so he said he was sorry he was hurting me by not g iving me my needs and he wanted me to find someone better for me I said ok I was thinking it wasn't working either, no one wa shurt nobody was bitter he still talks to me when he's on and we still remember our time together fondly




ImpGrrl -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/25/2005 9:38:33 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

Not exactly. I did feel the sting of a breakup that seemed WAY too easy for the other person. And like you said, I pushed buttons until I got a response that I thought meant that I was indeed worth the time. No one likes to feel disposable. In hindsight, I can say that it was silly of me to do so, but I understand so much more about myself now than I did then.



What those who do these sorts of things don't realize is that because it *seems* "too easy" for the other, doesn't mean it's easy at all.

The second thing they don't realize is that they have no right to determine how "easy" it *should* be.




girl4you2 -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/25/2005 12:39:00 PM)

Edited:
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

My pattern tends to be that we separate completely after the split, and then over the years we stay in touch and just become friends.

i think often it is best to just separate completely as well once things are over. dragging things out or reconsidering going back to a broken relationship doesn't usually accomplish much in the way of positive interactions (this being in a no munchkins relationship).

i, too, have good friends from most of my relationships. sometimes the "closure" and "why" things are better left done alone.




Simian -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (11/25/2005 8:35:37 PM)

Humm yeah there are some interesting reactions!

I have had mostly messy breakups in the past, always a bit of a drama, but that was when I was young and not really totally committed... just having fun. I have been single for ages and ages now making sure I dont disrespect another by getting involved without true care and respect for them.

I have read that there is a definate process in Co- dependants Anon books by Pia Melody. She calls it love and anger bombing, its to keep a dynamic happening while they come to terms with the process. The drama acts as a hook so you hook back into the emotionalism....therefore showing some form of intimacy.

My last online friendship was difficult. I did my best to be rigorously honest, and stated all boundries. I broke off the friendship saying it would never work as I did not want to get involved. She kept screaming for closure, she continued posting me abusive emails about my defects of character. I just deleted and blocked them hopefully her hurt will heal.

I had done my best to end it as I would like a relationship to be ended if I was the rejected but......

I have tried to keep an open mind to future friendships but those I have slept with are usually unable to.

P.S Co- Depandancy is quite normal in most intimate relationships to some degree or other.

simian.




RiotGirl -> RE: Poking at Pain on Purpose (12/1/2005 6:11:03 PM)

Pretty much all of my splits have been undramatical. Usually it is me breaking up with them because of some sort of other, and absolutely no drama for me as i dont really care. Dont remember any of them contacting me to create problems. (usually i ignore them for awhile) but i have heard of them being reaaaaaaaaally upset. Every now and then i get an ex calling me telling me he loves me and i always reply by asking if he had been drinking. All and all though, i remain on speaking terms with everyone and in an odd way friends. i keep up with them, making sure they are doing well.

Only one bad break up and the drama was there before we broke up. Caught hiim and the girl, fight broke out, things settled down, he came home (we lived together) and basically it was over. He moved out to another state even = ) Havent talked to him since. Though i sum up our non friendship over the fact that he Screwed up and couldnt face me generally. i've no problems being friends with him. Generally, when i break up with some one, its because either A) i screwed up (like cheated) or B) they screwed up. Hehehehehe thats right, when i cheat, i end my relationship. Usually, at that point in time i realise the relationship is meaningless to me.

which of course is why there is no drama for me = )




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