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LadiesBladewing -> RE: Why is it so hard to find poly? (12/5/2005 1:08:27 PM)
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(WARNING: LONG!)
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ORIGINAL: MasterPetruchio
It seems to me..........Women will always seek monogamous relationships.
How, then, do you explain my beloved and I, who sought out poly relationships and are both female (and have shared the joy of poly households with both men and women in very synergistic, healthy permutations)?
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Over hundreds of thousands of generations women evolved a very simple stategy for the allocation of resources - whatever is going, she wants all of it.
Actually, it has been my experience that people of -either- gender are mapped by their expectations or fears. A woman or man who is mapped with a prosperity (or abundance) mentality will have no problem sharing whatever xhe has, because xhe knows that xhe will never do without -- xhe is comfortable with hirself, and with what xhe has in hir life.
The problem we run into is that our society is set up for what is called "scarcity mentality". We are taught from childhood that if someone else gets something, nobody else gets any. It teaches us to be -terrified- of letting go of -anything- that we have, because if we let it out of our sight, someone else will take it, and we won't have -anything- any more. We are taught that everything from money to energy to love are "scarce" and "in short supply" and "are running out" -- and instead of examining this, and looking at options, we are encouraged by the actions of those to whom we look for guidance (like our political and spiritual leaders) that the way to get what is in short supply is to TAKE it from someone else and hoard it for ourselves. Our world and all of our governments are built on this idea of scarcity and claim. Is it any wonder that our young women and young men don't know any better?
So just as many men as women get trapped in scarcity mentality. They become jealous and petty and acquisitive. The difference is that for years, society turned a blind eye while the two parts of scarcity mentality played themselves out in relationships... First, things were set up so that once one person "got" someone, that person was taken "off the market", thereby setting up the sense of scarcity... and then the second response to scarcity showed its face -- people who fear scarcity hoard what they are afraid they will have to do without-- and women were penalized if they made any attempt to do what men did when they were faced with a perceived "shortage" -- go out and hoard some more of whatever was being "shorted" -- in this case, acceptable mates. So men would have multiple female partners, and every one of those partners would have had to deal with her own feelings about being indoctrinated with concepts of scarcity -- men, on the other hand, would take as many women as they thought they could handle, and "hoard" them, often secretly, so that nobody (including the other women in their lives) could short them of their supply of 'available' females.
Poly, when it is a relationship that is a communion of partners (and regardless of whether those partners are dominant or submissive in the relationship), requires an abundance mindset. There has to be a genuine belief that love is not a "limited resource" -- that it is, instead, a logarithmically increasing resource, that grows with each time that it is shared. In the same way, resources like time, money, etc. (any assets that the poly household shares), must also be looked at as abundant resources -- with the result that everyone will do hir part to increase the sharing of these resources for the good of the family.
Believe it or not, this is what makes or breaks an average family, not just poly families -- and the recognition of the challenge often sets in right around the time that "unmentionables" are added to the picture. If the people involved honestly believe that being a family and working together towards things will make them stronger, it usually does -- even when hardship comes to test them. For those who try to use familial status as another way to "hoard resources" against their own scarcities, the relationships typically fail when one or more parties realize that being -in- a relationship requires that they share some of what they are and have. It doesn't matter whether the relationship is started by a woman or by a man. A relationship can polish us and move us forward on our path and is a bonus -- it cannot "complete" a person... in order for any relationship to survive, we must already be complete in ourselves and be able to offer what we are to blend and augment the structure.
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As for jealousy, it is written that a man may have four women but he must treat them equally or he will lose them all. A slave who belongs to such a Master will have no cause for jealousy.
It is my opinion that it is -impossible- to treat everyone equally. Equality, used in this way, does nothing but breed mediocrity. We must be willing to call a spade a spade, and praise those who go beyond the call of duty or do something exceptional. In the same way, it makes no sense -not- to discourage the continuation of activities that are not beneficial to the whole, and which foster discord. I -refuse- to treat my mates or my servants "equally". They know that in our house, there is plenty to go around, and that those who offer greatly will be cherished greatly. They understand that sometimes, circumstances require that one person be the focus of attention, and that the focus shifts according to need and desire, but that there is PLENTY in our house for everyone -- maybe not all at the same time, but over time it all balances out. We don't look for 50/50 or 33/33/33 or 25/25/25/25 or 20/20/20/20/20 every day... we look, over time, for everyone to be happy and healthy. We don't live to survive -- we live to thrive!
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As for love, when a woman bears her second child does she love the first one any less? A woman can love many children and a man can love many women.
I agree with this as far as it goes. Women -and- men can love anyone who comes into their lives to share love. When we marry, we don't stop loving our parents or close friends. When we have unmentionables, we dont' stop loving the first unmentionable when we have a second, or the first two when we have a third, or whatever... In the same way, it is conditioning that teaches us that we can only love on other adult as a lover and mate. Admittedly, there are some for whom that belief is more entrenched than others. I usually say that these people are "wired" monogamous. Others recognized, at some point or other, that the cultural conditioning that caused them to limit the love they could share with other caring, loving, and committed adults didn't fit them, and that they were able to love many others, each for the traits that made that person special and individual.
Poly is an -amazing- way of life. I cherish every moment of it. At the same time, there is a lot of cultural trash that has to be swept out of the way to make poly work. Adding to what is already there with illusions of gender-limited polyamory doesn't help.
Lady Zephyr
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