Bad experience

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PeacanBeauty -> Bad experience (11/6/2005 5:43:32 AM)
I have been in the lifestyle for 17 years more or less. Back in May i joined a couple and to my understanding it was suppose to be a poly relationship. She was "Bi-Senseous" what she turned out to be was insecure and a controling manipulative "B". At first he touched and Nurtured me giving me time on my days off. There was an incident where we went out in public and no guidelines of walking order were in place so feeling very out of place i walked behind him. A few days later she says that she feels i was trying to come between them and says that she can no longer trust me. I was floored not to mention i hadn't learn to trust her yet. The next incident was me sitting in her computer chair because i wanted to be close to him. This was not something that had been discussed having no idea that it was a no no. Inorder to please her he tells me that the chair is a symbol of her status as his first girl and i am to not go near it. He does not mind me wanting to be close to him but it is not something he does. My mind set was all Doms or Master should understand a girls need to be close to him. She draws from his energy and like wise. Needless to say everything went downhill from there and soon she was in charge and i could not talk or look at him everything had to go through her and a "Family" friend from another "House". This was because she worked like me and this person didn''t and could be there when i was at home. I ran away when i came home from work and found my room trashed and all of my expensive silk clothing removed from my closet. I was given my uniforms for work, 3 pairs of overalls, 7 pairs of underware and a few pairs of shoes. There was no explaination for any of this so i waited until they were asleep and packed a few things and left. The next day she came to my job asked me what i entented to do about my stuff i told her it was stuff since they took what they knew i would want and trashed the rest. I talked to him twice asking for certain things since i was leaving the state. He agreed but what i got was not what i asked for. I have not talked to him since and see their profile on here i email him and let him know that i hate him and wish them the worse. I know that is bitterness but i have every right to be. I gave up my car because he said we could not afford the payment. I gave all of my household items to him since it only made sense. I was trying to give my soul to him but he made her my master instead. I have since moved on trying to decide if i want to stay in the lifestyle because i don't feel i can TRUST. I know i will never do POLY ever again because I have major issues when i come to "FIRST GIRLS". The one thing i do want is to be put in subspace and left for a very long time. I need to cry this out but my heart is to cold right now and the only thing that will give me that release is to be put in subspace thru some serious pain pleasure session. I need to find someone to give me this it will take at least a week maybe twice a day. During these session i only want to here let it all go and focus on the pain. Then i will sleep it off and have a new mind. Am I wrong for needing this. I have always cented and focused by needing my Dominate to spank me when I either had an attitude or had a bad week of day at work.

smilezz -> RE: Bad experience (11/6/2005 6:38:45 AM)
There was obviously no communication/negotiation between any of you in that relationship. I'm sorry all that happened, it was a hard lesson learned. quote: I ran away when i came home from work and found my room trashed and all of my expensive silk clothing removed from my closet. I was given my uniforms for work, 3 pairs of overalls, 7 pairs of underware and a few pairs of shoes. Personally, i would have gotten right up in their faces on this one. There was/is no reason for any of this. It would have been very hard for me not to have knocked them both on their asses. ~smilezz~

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Bad experience (11/6/2005 8:16:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeacanBeaut There was an incident where we went out in public and no guidelines of walking order were in place so feeling very out of place i walked behind him. A few days later she says that she feels i was trying to come between them and says that she can no longer trust me. Yes that was wrong of them not to simply bring it up immediately and casually. Were you their first poly experience? quote: I was floored not to mention i hadn't learn to trust her yet. The next incident was me sitting in her computer chair because i wanted to be close to him. This was not something that had been discussed having no idea that it was a no no. Then they should have forgiven you for it the first time and you should have respect the rule thereafter. There's lots of ways to be close without sitting in a particular chair. Respecting the primary relationships specialness is of the utmost importance. Supposely the primary relationship also respects YOUR place and need for security, but one does not usurp the other. quote: I have not talked to him since and see their profile on here i email him and let him know that i hate him and wish them the worse. I know that is bitterness but i have every right to be. From the incidents you cite here and from my own experience, my guess is that there was a lot more going on from ALL sides of this that none of us can ever really be aware of. Sounds mostly like a big crapfest that ended very badly. You have a right to be whatever you are...but writing nasty emails and expressing bitterness is not going to help you and will only perpetuate the drama. quote: I need to find someone to give me this it will take at least a week maybe twice a day. During these session i only want to here let it all go and focus on the pain. Then i will sleep it off and have a new mind. That's an interesting perspective, what makes you think it will be that clean and simple? quote: Am I wrong for needing this. I have always cented and focused by needing my Dominate to spank me when I either had an attitude or had a bad week of day at work That makes sense, and if you can find a good service top that works for you here, that would be great. But you should also be working on OTHER methods of stress management so that you don't have to rely on anothers efforts to find your own piece of mind.

OsideGirl -> RE: Bad experience (11/6/2005 9:15:14 AM)
Sounds like a couple of things going on here. She wasn't secure in her own relationship, wasn't ready and was pushed into it or went along with it because she didn't want to appear unsubmissive. Number two is it looks like roles and boundries weren't discussed by anyone. Poly only works when the primary relationship is secure and when there is clear and complete communication. Again, boundaries and expectations should be laid out during negotiaitions. Good Luck in your search.

stormsfate -> RE: Bad experience (11/6/2005 9:48:49 AM)
I'm sorry you had an unhappy experience. I'd be curious to know how long you spent in getting to know this couple and what kind of "fit" it was before moving in with them. My question isn't meant to imply that you rushed into anything, but it does seem a bit suprising to me that the alpha's insecurities/jealousies/issues weren't at all apparent during the time the relationship was developing. best regards, fate

kyraofMists -> RE: Bad experience (11/6/2005 10:14:04 AM)
It is unfortunate that you had this experience. When relationships go bad it can be a very painful time. However, there is much that can be learned from it and if you treat it as a growth experience then it is not a failure. quote: ORIGINAL: PeacanBeauty She was "Bi-Senseous" what she turned out to be was insecure and a controling manipulative "B".... I know i will never do POLY ever again because I have major issues when i come to "FIRST GIRLS". It would not be accurate for you to judge all “first girls” by the behavior of this one girl. I am in a poly relationship and my Lord’s “first girl” has been an extremely important factor in helping me adjust to poly and an M/s relationship. Not all poly relationships will have a primary relationship with the other(s) being secondary. That is not the structure of my poly family. My Lord’s alandra is no more important to Him than I am and vice versa. My Lord is no more important to me or alandra than we are to each other. Since my Lord is the Dominant in our family, pleasing Him is our primary focus, but alandra and I make every effort to support and be there for each other. quote: My mind set was all Doms or Master should understand a girls need to be close to him. She draws from his energy and like wise. Remember that Dominants are not mind readers or omniscient. If your needs were not getting met, then it was up to you to communicate that information and not just assume that he knew what you needed. If you were confused about where you should be walking, then ask for clarification. Doing these things does not make you less submissive, it just makes you responsible for your own well-being. quote: I gave up my car because he said we could not afford the payment. I gave all of my household items to him since it only made sense. Entering this relationship was your choice. You made choices to give up the things that you did, car, household items. Make sure you take responsibility for that choice. Learn from this experience the questions that you need to ask and the information that you need to have before going into another relationship, not just a relationship in the lifestyle, but any relationship. quote: I need to find someone to give me this it will take at least a week maybe twice a day. During these session i only want to here let it all go and focus on the pain. Then i will sleep it off and have a new mind. What you need is to heal; how you choose to do that is up to you. Letting someone else hurt you may make you feel good, but it may not help you work through all the issues you have to deal with from this experience. I wish you the best of luck. I know recovering from the painful end of a past relationship of mine was one of the hardest things I ever did. Knight’s kyra

PeacanBeauty -> RE: Bad experience (11/6/2005 10:49:34 AM)
I had talked to him for 3 months before visiting them at their home. I attended a gathering with all of the "Family". It all seemed a good fit. I take responsibility for all of my actions but at the same time i was told that many things were beyond my control. This was not their first Poly relationship but it was mine in the lifestyle. I have had other poly relationship with no issues were the couple was married and we got along well.

xxxAdamxxx -> RE: Bad experience (11/6/2005 12:44:08 PM)
I don´t know you..but as another human, l feel for you....question! are you slave or sub.....don´t be a door mat honey...you are worth more than that...hugs from a stranger

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Bad experience (11/6/2005 3:30:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Sounds like a couple of things going on here. She wasn't secure in her own relationship, wasn't ready and was pushed into it or went along with it because she didn't want to appear unsubmissive. Number two is it looks like roles and boundries weren't discussed by anyone. Poly only works when the primary relationship is secure and when there is clear and complete communication. Again, boundaries and expectations should be laid out during negotiaitions. Good Luck in your search. I've got to say that I disagree with you, oside. She (the alpha) seemed very secure in the relationship. Hell, she seemed to have all the control. To me, it seems the problem was a weak Dom letting his submissive direct him instead of him doing the directing. I do agree with the rest though. Communication is very important to a poly relationship.

OsideGirl -> RE: Bad experience (11/7/2005 9:34:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44 quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Sounds like a couple of things going on here. She wasn't secure in her own relationship, wasn't ready and was pushed into it or went along with it because she didn't want to appear unsubmissive. Number two is it looks like roles and boundries weren't discussed by anyone. Poly only works when the primary relationship is secure and when there is clear and complete communication. Again, boundaries and expectations should be laid out during negotiaitions. Good Luck in your search. I've got to say that I disagree with you, oside. She (the alpha) seemed very secure in the relationship. Hell, she seemed to have all the control. To me, it seems the problem was a weak Dom letting his submissive direct him instead of him doing the directing. I do agree with the rest though. Communication is very important to a poly relationship. You're confusing being secure in her relationship with her being to manipulate a situation to provide her with security. What she did was a classic reaction to feeling threatened by the new relationship.

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Bad experience (11/8/2005 5:50:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl You're confusing being secure in her relationship with her being to manipulate a situation to provide her with security. What she did was a classic reaction to feeling threatened by the new relationship. Alright, I can see your point there oside. But my point was the weakness of the "Dominant" who let it all transpire without saying a word. He did not try and make it a smooth transition for the both of them. Instead he brought her deep into the jungle and said "Your on your own, kid." He had no control over his house and peacan became an unwittig victim of it.

stormsfate -> RE: Bad experience (11/8/2005 4:05:00 PM)
I'm not connecting the dots in the same manner you did. Its possible that this is a case of a weak dominant, but that isn't necessarily the case and I don't see where we have enough information to jump to that conclusion. Peacan....am I misunderstanding, or are you saying that you talked to them online for three months and then went to meet the family once and then moved in? With the little information we have, to me this whole thing sounds more like a lack of communication prior to the commitment on the part of everyone involved and like a lot of assumptions were made by all parties as to how each viewed the relationship. best regards, fate

bound2serve -> RE: Bad experience (11/9/2005 9:22:07 AM)
hi peacan, i think i understand where you are coming from in this situation. i also had a similar experience, where i thought the rules had been laid out only to find out they hadn't. From one's own experience (in retrospect) it appears that the "Dom" in reality was looking for someone who was strong enough to stand up to his No.1 and push her out. I know a lot of people will disagree with that, but having since talked to her, and learnt what she was told and she learnt what i was being told, we have both come to the same conclusion. In the process i was ripped off, and she admits that it was the intent also by him, because i was a newbie to the lifestyle as well as to poly. Yes, pain can HELP relieve some anguish, but it will not help YOU to accept what was done or how YOU let it happen also. It is an extremely painful lesson, not just because of the lifestyle, but also for being responsible for yourself. Being bitter will not allow you to heal nor will it allow you to grow and move on. Draw on the help and support that your friends provide, believe me, i know, that will do more to help you heal in the long run than the pain will, for that is shortlived! Mentally is where you need to heal, and that can only be done by accepting what has happened, taking steps to make sure it doesn't again, and looking at it as a growing experience. Don't let it hold you back as a sub/slave, use it to help you grow and become who/what you really are. bound2serve

Belladonna82 -> RE: Bad experience (11/14/2005 7:00:30 PM)
:) Sounds like a really really bad poly experience. Master has anouther slave under consideration. Yes in once since i will be his first but only in the since of the children and the bills since i'm also soon to be his wife. The other slave i see as a equal relationship wise and care for her dearly.There is no jelousy between the two of us because "all"things we do together...but there are alot of bad experiences out there....The couple you are talking about were wrong and were not very um poly....but have hope....with every bad experience you will have a good

mystictryst -> RE: Bad experience (11/14/2005 9:13:09 PM)
I agree with kyra... My idea of a poly relationship doesn't have "firsts" and "seconds", I would hope that if it happened, we would be a "trio" - my chair is your chair kind of deal. I think often poly style relationships can breed a lot of jealousy - often because one partner may or may not be totally "into" the idea in the first place. I am sorry your situation turned out so badly, although I can relate to the "firsts" situation, in the sense when one of my best friends was (temporarily) part of my family (with Master and myself), I experienced alot of insecure feelings, simply because their (our) relationship was new - and all the things that go with a new relationship were there... The feeling of touching the first time, learning about one another.. I think it is very easy for one partner to get left behind, and although it isn't right, it happens... I kept having to remind myself that "we" were all together and I shouldn't be jealous of them, because in the end, it was about all of us being happy... She had been my best friend for a couple of years already, I new all those things with her, but it didn't make me any less jealous of the times they spent together without me... None the less, I think you can learn from this and move on. Best of luck!

MasterGraywolfe -> RE: Bad experience (11/16/2005 1:04:32 AM)
It is stupid stuff like this that really makes it hard to find a poly partner. My wife and I have both been poly and never had the jealousy. We have both been poly before seperate and together so maybe that is the difference. This sounds like the wife was just going along to begin with.

MasterGraywolfe -> RE: Bad experience (11/16/2005 1:07:07 AM)
I hope pecan finds what she seeks.

leatherorlace -> RE: Bad experience (11/24/2005 10:23:30 PM)
Whatever the real problems were, I see a lot of drama from a girl that's displaying her anger rather shabbily. A manipulative property can be difficult to discover if there's no communication with the newest member of Ones House. There is some practiciality in owning very severe paddles, anyone that thinks differently hasn't had to correct the manners of a hardheaded girl that's intent on driving another girl from her Master's House. Gentry

avianprincess -> RE: Bad experience (11/25/2005 2:47:17 AM)
I'm with you. I would have knocked them both on their asses!

MasterRobert1 -> RE: Bad experience (11/29/2005 8:40:08 AM)
Since when did bitterness and a bad attitude become a right?

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