How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (Full Version)

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JamesLynn2005 -> How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/6/2005 2:08:26 PM)

Well in our search W/we have found one who might fit - the only problem is that we met her in a vanilla venue; How do W/we ask the questions, what questions do W/we ask, how do W/we explain our desires/needs, how does O/one bring this up in polite conversation, stuff like that. Any suggestions from T/those who have been there?

lynn



ownedjulia -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/6/2005 2:14:38 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JamesLynn2005

Well in our search W/we have found one who might fit - the only problem is that we met her in a vanilla venue; How do W/we ask the questions, what questions do W/we ask, how do W/we explain our desires/needs, how does O/one bring this up in polite conversation, stuff like that. Any suggestions from T/those who have been there?

lynn


First of all, drop the W/we crap. it's hard on the eyes.

Second of all I wouldn't involve someone from outside the lifestyle. If they are on here then great, if they are vanilla then I really don't want to give them any cause for concern or make them think i'm off my head!

To me, the journey into BDSM is something that a person needs to make themselves not something that can be brought up in your local vanilla venue.



Kasia -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/6/2005 2:50:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedjulia
First of all, drop the W/we crap. it's hard on the eyes.

LOL [sm=lol.gif]



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/6/2005 3:28:31 PM)

HOW exactly do they "fit"? YOu say all of this and yet this person isn't even aware that YOU are poly at all- that's a pretty big piece of the puzzle issing for a "fit."

I'd start out by coming out of the closet- letting her know what relationship you have and how it works out. Don't put any pressure on her, just give her information.

If it will work at all, she will go through her accepting/asking lots of questions phase. This is where you break out The Ethical Slut.

If there's no chance at all, you will have found out early on and by being open and honest- the only way it ever works in the end.



greenie -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/6/2005 6:33:56 PM)

quote:

Second of all I wouldn't involve someone from outside the lifestyle. If they are on here then great, if they are vanilla then I really don't want to give them any cause for concern or make them think i'm off my head!


What if she is interested in a situation like this though and she is worried about broaching the subject with them because she's afraid they will think she's off her rocker? Wouldn't they have all missed a possible opportunity? If everyone followed that advice there might be many couples or poly relationships who would never have gotten together because everyone would be afraid of what everyone else thought. Not everyone is interesed in meeting someone off of "here" and some may not even have internet access. Some may be in communities where there isn't a munch or they can't get to a munch for one reason or another. Maybe they have no access to others in bdsm at all. Should we all just sit quietly and not say anything to anyone? i understand that for some this works if they are worried about other people knowing but i wouldn't say that advice would work for everyone.
To JamesLynn i suggest that you make your situation known but not in a big deal kind of way, like it's just how you live your life. i wouldn't suggest trying to get her involved but wait it out and watch for signs that she's interested. Trust me, if she's even curious about the lifestyle she will ask questions. Good luck to you.



OsideGirl -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/6/2005 7:25:40 PM)

A D/s poly is hard enough without adding someone that is vanilla and vanilla ideas.



ownedjulia -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/7/2005 3:37:59 AM)

What I was saying is that there is a time and a place for this sort of thing.

going up to someone and saying 'Hi, I'm xyz and I am a Master with a slave, Would you like to be a second slave in my household' will likely leave her screaming at the top of her head for the cops!!!

(OK, She might get turned on by the idea but......)

Its worth dropping subtle hints into the conversation aout BDSM and see the reaction, more the tiptoeing round the subject than the bull in the china shop approach.



ChereeAmoor -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/7/2005 5:43:18 AM)

I for one am all in favor of frank discussion. If and when the conversation meanders onto sex, bluntly say, "We enjoy such-and-such." It really isn't too hard to do. And meeting someone in a vanilla venue isn't all bad. I spend the majority of my time in VanillaWorld, due to kids and work and that little thing called everyday life.



greenie -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/7/2005 7:09:21 AM)

quote:

going up to someone and saying 'Hi, I'm xyz and I am a Master with a slave, Would you like to be a second slave in my household' will likely leave her screaming at the top of her head for the cops!!!

(OK, She might get turned on by the idea but......)

Its worth dropping subtle hints into the conversation aout BDSM and see the reaction, more the tiptoeing round the subject than the bull in the china shop approach.


Now that i definetely agree with!



KatyLied -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/7/2005 7:17:29 AM)

From ownedjulia:
quote:

First of all, drop the W/we crap. it's hard on the eyes.


thank you for commenting on something that drives me crazy around here.
When do people talk like that in rl? W/we, O/our, E/etc. (sorry couldn't help that!).



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/7/2005 7:17:55 AM)

There are two common misconceptions here. One is that poly is a BDSM Only concept. It is not. I repeat: it is NOT. There is a huge poly-community out there that is in no way part of the BDSM community and don't want to be. Here are the names of some groups I'm apart of that may help you:

lovingmore_lovelist
lovingmorepolyactive
lovingmoreparent

These groups are on yahoo and are a great resource for the polyamourist, I think.

Second, just because someone is on a vanilla site or is met in a vanilla setting doesn't mean that they themselves are vanilla. Many are discreet in their day to day lives about their BDSM activities. You shouldn't assume that just because you meet one in a vanilla setting, that they are vanilla. That's just being hypocritical.

But in answer to your questions I think that emeraldslave is correct in how you should approach her. Come out of the "closet" with her first and explain the type of relationship you have and how it works for you. If she's truely interested, she'll ask you more about it. If not, she won't.

Addendum: Who cares how she types. If she wants to put W/we, If She Wants To Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Word, if she wanted to write in Russian, it's her preference. She is asking questions she would like help with, not looking for critique on typing etiquette. Get over it people and focus on her problem, not yours. The soapbox is now free.



JohnWarren -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/7/2005 7:24:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

From ownedjulia:
quote:

First of all, drop the W/we crap. it's hard on the eyes.


thank you for commenting on something that drives me crazy around here.
When do people talk like that in rl? W/we, O/our, E/etc. (sorry couldn't help that!).



It's called "a stutter."


Sorry, can't keep the claws in all the time



target -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/7/2005 7:41:30 AM)

What if your a S/switch ?



ownedjulia -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/7/2005 10:59:03 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

From ownedjulia:
quote:

First of all, drop the W/we crap. it's hard on the eyes.


thank you for commenting on something that drives me crazy around here.
When do people talk like that in rl? W/we, O/our, E/etc. (sorry couldn't help that!).



It just annoys the HELL out of me. I'm afraid thats the bitch in me coming out.




LadiesBladewing -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/7/2005 1:08:10 PM)

Most of us were vanilla at one time or another. Some of us found this life on our own, and the most common way that I've heard of was through literature. Perhaps you might want to consider some reading material like the Beauty series for BDSM, and some of Robert Heinlein's books (Stranger in a Strange Land and Friday in particular) for poly stuff.

Everyone has to start somewhere, and at least with these, you can get an idea about her thoughts on the concepts in a relatively non-traumatic way. Psychologists and sociologists have found that fictional literature gives people an opportunity to separate an idea from any sense of risk to themselves -- after all, it is just a concept in a book. That way, you can get an idea of her thoughts about these topics, without having to discuss you being involved in them, until you find out whether this will be a "deal-breaker" for any of you.


Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: JamesLynn2005

Well in our search W/we have found one who might fit - the only problem is that we met her in a vanilla venue; How do W/we ask the questions, what questions do W/we ask, how do W/we explain our desires/needs, how does O/one bring this up in polite conversation, stuff like that. Any suggestions from T/those who have been there?

lynn



wipmebeetme100 -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/8/2005 9:22:24 AM)


Aren't we all vanilla....until we know better?
cathy

Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth
~Unknown



quote:

A D/s poly is hard enough without adding someone that is vanilla and vanilla ideas.



OsideGirl -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/8/2005 10:52:21 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: wipmebeetme100


Aren't we all vanilla....until we know better?
cathy

Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth
~Unknown



quote:

A D/s poly is hard enough without adding someone that is vanilla and vanilla ideas.



Yes, we were. But, the chances of someone remaining vanilla far exceed the chances of someone becoming involved with BDSM D/s since the BDSM population is only 5-10% of the general population.

While the journey of some people into BDSM is/was easy, the majority of people that I have talked to struggled with the social, psychological and moral issues presented by the lifestyle. Getting comfortable in your own skin is rarely an instantaneous thing and can be a very difficult and long journey.

Then adding the psychological discomfort of polyamoury to the mix of someone that is already off balance means that the vanilla person will most likely be overwhelmed by the psychological aspects. We are raised in an enviroment that teaches us that the "proper" relationship is two people. Even for those that embrace poly, the first time feels like you're wearing someone else's shoes.

D/s poly rarely works even when everyone involved knows the game. How many polys do you know personally have lasted over two years? How many over 5 years? How many over 10 years? I bet the number will fit on less than your hands, matter of fact probably less than one hand. I know two polys both have been going strong for almost 10 years. They are the rarities.

My point was...attempting to bring in a vanilla that you don't even know if she is interested in D/s BDSM is almost impossible. Chances are 9:1 that she's vanilla and out of that 10% the chances are 9:1 that she's poly. Then the number of poly relationships that actually succeed is even smaller. The odds dwindle quickly.

The better course of action would be finding out if she's interested in D/s BDSM and introduce her to what goes on. Discussions, light play, some mentoring through the scene, education about the different styles. THEN when she's comfortable with the concept bring up poly.



LadiesBladewing -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/8/2005 3:25:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

The better course of action would be finding out if she's interested in D/s BDSM and introduce her to what goes on. Discussions, light play, some mentoring through the scene, education about the different styles. THEN when she's comfortable with the concept bring up poly.


This may be the most functional way in -your- situation, but completely untenable in, say, ours. I'm not even certain that the folks in our house would find it -ethical- to hide our relationship situation...but that is one of the hard and fast decision-points that we use to decide who fits and who doesn't in our household.

One of the requirements of the household is that if we are discussing -anything- about playing with or dating someone else, the members of the household must know that the one of us is talking to a potential...and the newcomer must be told that the person talking to them from our household is -in- a committed relationship, and that he or she will need to be able to get along with the other members of the house in order for the new relationship to be able to move foreward.

In the same way, we've discovered that it is also critically important to let newfound mates know that some of our members participate in Ds/Ms dynamics and in esoteric spirituality. Hiding this information for a more "convenient" time can end up with some really hurt, really freaked out people later on. We would much rather have them realize at the very beginning that our household isn't for them, so they can keep looking for something that -does- fit. I'd rather do that than spend time building a relationship, and then turn around and risk shattering it by saying "Oh, by the way, I have this long-term life-partner, and I didn't tell you, because I didn't want you to freak out."

Lady Zephyr



OsideGirl -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/8/2005 3:41:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing


Hiding this information for a more "convenient" time can end up with some really hurt, really freaked out people later on. We would much rather have them realize at the very beginning that our household isn't for them, so they can keep looking for something that -does- fit.


I wasn't suggesting hiding it from her. What I was suggesting was not bringing her into the poly at all. I was suggesting that they be her friend and let her see if BDSM D/s is what she wants before they attempt to bring her into a polyamorous dynamic.



amazonlea -> RE: How to introduce poly to a vanilla . . . (10/9/2005 7:41:44 PM)

I am a firm believer that poly folks should not have relationships with monogamous folks. Everyone ends up hurt. And most poly vanilla folks are savvy enough to understand the whole BDSM thing even if they don't care for it. So if she isn't into it, I say let it be.

No reason why you can't be friends, and if after a while of knowing you and learning about your relationship she wants in, then it is worth a try....

but again, poly ain't for everyone.
B



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