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The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema"


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The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema" - 9/27/2005 3:36:12 PM   
Awakener


Posts: 88
Joined: 9/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod

Concerning "not living this lifestyle anymore":

Folks, I have some serious questions about this, and I am really wondering of it might not require a totally new thread. I have heard so often of people saying "well, I am not going to live the lifestyle anymore." or "I have decided to go back to vanilla". It seems thay had woke up that morning and simply decided to change.

Is it possible? If so, is there something wrong with Me that keeps Me from going back to vanilla? Granted, as I entered D/s at 17, I knew very little about vanilla... but vanilla would appear to be easier in finding a mate. If I could be happy with vanilla, I would have no problem. But I cannot. Sometimes... I have to be honest... sometimes being Dom seems to be a curse. Yet, other times it brings Me total peace and happiness.

Has anyone else ever wanted to leave yet sees it as impossible? Is something wrong with Me?


I do not believe there is a person on the planet, who at some point has not asked this question about some aspect of thier sexualality.

This subject most certainly deserves it's own thread!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 3:39:59 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 1512
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Is it possible?


I don't think so. Unless you want to resent a partner who can't/won't meet your needs. I think that sooner or later you will hate the vanilla life.

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 3:59:58 PM   
HentaiGamerKitty


Posts: 81
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		I can't imagine ever going back to vanilla. However, I have known of extremely experienced bdsm'ers (people who had been in the lifestyle for like 10yr) who suddenly got it in their head they were going to go vanilla. It never lasts long.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 4:08:18 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 476
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awakener


I do not believe there is a person on the planet, who at some point has not asked this question about some aspect of thier sexualality.

This subject most certainly deserves it's own thread!



I agree. It's a great question for discussion.

Personally, I feel that the internet is full of married people looking for kinky affairs because they ended up in a vanilla relationship; no matter how hard they try it seems they just can't turn their back on their needs forever.

I made a promise to myself, a year after entering the lifestyle, that I wouldn't land up in a vanilla relationship. I just don't want the heart-ache of loving someone but feeling as though something as vital as breathing was missing.

Submission is vital to my happiness.

I have a feeling that all kinksters need this to be completely satisfied. It's just a theory, but I have yet to meet anyone who turned their back on it and remained happy for long.

Cin


_____________________________

quote:

Merriam-Webster defines KINK as a clever, unusual way of doing something...and I'm okay with that!
~ Me ~



(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 4:10:02 PM   
Awakener


Posts: 88
Joined: 9/18/2005
Status: offline 		When I was 15, I and my friends first began to have sex. It was not long before I was seriously questioning my sexuality. I would listen to a friend tell of some sexual exploit, and just keep thinkng " yeah, yeah, get to the good part", but they never did.
They seemed to focus on things that where wholely secondary, or of no interest to me at all. Thier emphasize was more on, 'Did I get it into her, and did I cum'. While I just kept waiting for them to tell me about what her orgasm was like. What did her face look like when your got her there. What emotions played across her body and face when you made her let go, or give in, etc..
I simply was not interested if I got to penetrate her. I of course enjoy my orgasms, but it just is not where my focus was. My focus was on the women. On....well doing things to a women not having them done by a women.
So I decided "Well young Awakener, you must be gay". "Of course thats it. I am completely focused on the women. I am empathizing from her point of view. So yes then I must be like a women." Or some such nonsense.
I spent about an entire school year trying to....well be gay I suppose. I would try and look at the supposed hot guys and see if I couldn't get turned on. Try and fantisize gay scenarios while self pleasureing. None of it worked. All this either had no affect , or disgusted me.

Well there was a guy whom Ii'd grown up with. It was a sorta small town. And well we were never real close friends but Ii hung out with him on occasion. Well one day we were in his room sneaking some drinks from his mothers wet bar, when he began to tell me about a women he had had. And what do you know. Here was a guy who went straight to the good parts. Here is a guy telling me about the womens expression when he rolled her nipple in his teeth. {That was I think my first idea that a lil pain might be fun by the way}.
Here is a guy who did not care if he got to cum, but wanted more to make her cum, over and over..LOL. I did not discuss all that had been plauging me, all my doubts, fears, and such. But I knew then that I was at least not gay. I thought "well I'm strange I suppose but at least one other person feels something of the way Ii do."
I think sexuality can be a very terrible burden. no other subject can drive you so far into yourself, and cause you so much fear. It is just so very hard to discuss things like this, especialy when you are young.

So can you wake up and be Vanilla?
I don't think so. You ofcourse can modify your behaviour, but you can not change what you feel. Vanilla is not any easier than our way of expressing our sexuality. I was never happy being vanilla so how would it be easier. I did find far more sexual partners when i was vanilla, and maybe if I were 23 again, and in the midst of my 20s' slut period, I would find it hard to remain committed to this way of life.
But though Ii certainly had more sex as a vanilla, It was never as enjoyable. 95% of the time I was emotionally detached from the vanilla sex I was having. And I just could not go back to that kind of existence. I need the emotional conection and bond that this way of life gives me. Sex as I practice it now is not just an orgasm. It is a connection with another being.
Well I've rambled long enogh, here is my 2 cents.

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 4:13:37 PM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 1026
Joined: 11/29/2004
Status: offline 		Yes everyone probably has thought this. I know I have. I think it's a feeling that builds up. It doesn't just come out of thin air with no good reason. It might come after prolonged scenes with intense emotion involved, it might come from boredom with the lifestyle, or from a series of poorly executed scenes, or even from the feeling of little return for intense effort. The reasons for wanting out are limitless. We see people leaving as abrupt because people are apt to bottle their desire to leave away from all but close friends. Therefore we miss out on most of the warning signs.
However, this is typical of any other interest, even in the vanilla world. People participate in what interests them. Sometimes that interest will wane for various reasons, sometimes it's just too much trouble. People come and people go. It sucks to see most of them leave, but it's an integral part of life.

_____________________________

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth (Jareth/ David Bowie)

"Last night I heard from good God above at the slap on my ass by a lipstick-kissed elbow glove."
~Shudder to Think

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 4:27:38 PM   
Synocense


Posts: 215
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		I too believe that at some point in all our lives, the question "Why am I doing this?!" arises. The answer totally depends on the individual, of course. Those who use D/s - BDSM to enhance their vanilla lives are far more apt to drop it like a hot, rotten potatoe than those of us who feel it is a *need* - we are simply not happy ...or any happier... in a traditional relationship. I have tried to deny who I am before. I said those words, "I'm done! This is insane" -- but eventually I realised all I was done with was the denial. With acceptance and eventual surrender, the consideration of "leaving the lifestyle" is almost as ridiculous as me considering putting my hand in a blender and hitting Pulse. The thought simply doesn't exist.

Syn

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 4:33:04 PM   
sultryvoice


Posts: 280
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline 		This subject has come up with myself and some friends. We have discussed it over and over. As some have stated here, these sites are full of marrieds who thought they could give up bdsm and now they are looking for it. Something like this that goes so deep into you, you can't just unload and move on. You can't bury it and expect to go on with life. Eventually, it comes back to haunt you.

The other day I was talking to a well respected member of our community. She is a Grand Mistress. I was telling her of someone I knew left the lifestyle and gave everything away that reminded her of it. GM told me that she has taken breaks from it and regrouped but she just put her things out of site. If this person goes back to the lifestyle, she has a lot to replace. Most likely, 98% go back to the lifestyle but that is my opinion. I took about a year away and came back stronger and a much better, happier person. This is ingrained into your soul and you just can't leave it behind.

Respectfully,
sultry

_____________________________

Blessed are the cracked,
For it is they who let in the light.

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 6:30:25 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 3834
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		What is vanilla?
Naturally someone can surpress their urges for a period of time. If they add something new that fulfills them perhap's they can make it last a lifetime.

Like quitting smoking, it can be done. It isn't easy but it can be done.

However as far as being vanilla, I don't know a single person anywhere who is strictly vanilla.


_____________________________

"The dumbest people I know are those who know it all."

Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 7:10:04 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 2678
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awakener

quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod

Concerning "not living this lifestyle anymore":

Folks, I have some serious questions about this, and I am really wondering of it might not require a totally new thread. I have heard so often of people saying "well, I am not going to live the lifestyle anymore." or "I have decided to go back to vanilla". It seems thay had woke up that morning and simply decided to change.

Is it possible? If so, is there something wrong with Me that keeps Me from going back to vanilla? Granted, as I entered D/s at 17, I knew very little about vanilla... but vanilla would appear to be easier in finding a mate. If I could be happy with vanilla, I would have no problem. But I cannot. Sometimes... I have to be honest... sometimes being Dom seems to be a curse. Yet, other times it brings Me total peace and happiness.

Has anyone else ever wanted to leave yet sees it as impossible? Is something wrong with Me?


I do not believe there is a person on the planet, who at some point has not asked this question about some aspect of thier sexualality.

This subject most certainly deserves it's own thread!



Simply put, there is nothing wrong with you, as long as you are honest with yourself. At the end of the day, you have to live with you, and its your face you see in the mirror. As long as you can live with you, there is nothing wrong.

When I first became involved in Gor, I was warned that it gets into your blood and you will never walk away.... To some degree I have found the same with BDSM. You need to be in some form of contact with others of like mind.

I suspect that some who say they are returning to vanilla, re having a tiny tantrum because they can't get their own way... Some, I said not all.

_____________________________

Be Well
Iron Bear

Master of House Iron Bear


Yes, I am a Master, but not your Master..........


The Incorrigible, irrepressible, irreverent grizzly



(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 7:17:15 PM   
nephandi


Posts: 872
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline 		i have often been thinking like, i have a horrible submissive, i use more time on my studies than on being a submissive, i am fat, i cant cook, i am not werry sexual. But my Master love me and encurage me for who i am and that makes it all worth it.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 7:56:25 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		If someone decides that going back to vanilla is what works best for them, I fully support that choice. Yes, most leave in a flurry of pain and disillusionment only to be called back again by the siren of lust soon thereafter. But I DO know of some who were very into it for awhile, and slowly realized it just wasn't who they became, wasn't what they needed.

In the beginning of my active exploring, I looked down on vanilla relationships, I thought "gosh, how could I have ever settled for that?" Now however, I find I can get a lot out of them, after all, they are people too, and I happen to have a LOT more in common with some vanilla people than I do with a lot of bdsm people. I would never be fulfilled without submission in my life...I am thoroughly fulfilled with my vanilla boyfriend (who I do kinky stuff with all the time).

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 8:40:00 PM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 616
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		For Gosh sakes man, do what's right for YOU! (As long as it's legal and reasonable of course). Don't worry about what other people are doing or if they are changing. Some people never even think of coming to this 'lifestyle'. They are vanilla for their entire lives. Why? Because it works for them. From what you've said this isn't you so be yourself.

Oh, and you won't find it a bit easier to find a partner in the 'Vanilla' world when it's not what you want. You'll just get frustrated and mad and ruin one relationship after another.

In the words of a great man; "Unto your own self be true."

'Nuff said.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly!!!

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 8:52:10 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 851
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I think it depends on why one was doing BDSM in the first place.

If it was to spice things up or to try something new, then I can certainly see just deciding that vanilla is more to your taste.

If its just frustration talking though, I don't think you can get rid of deep desires and interests but you can certainly live with just the fantasies and fiction -- lots of people do that all the time with all sorts of things.

For me personally, there's no going back to vanilla cause I don't think I ever was vanilla to begin with, I just didnt know what it was called or how to pursue it in a consensual way until I got older and had access to a college library and the internet.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 8:52:12 PM   
LADYBOA


Posts: 54
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline 		Personally, I do a lil of both.. ok a lil vanilla n alot of lifestyle...
I can not have an orgasm though unless I am playing

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 8:58:53 PM   
Awakener


Posts: 88
Joined: 9/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OscarHargraves


In the words of a great man; "Unto your own self be true."

'Nuff said.


Deacarte? Or maybe popeyes version is better.." i am what I am and thats all that am"

(in reply to OscarHargraves)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/27/2005 10:14:15 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 1752
Status: offline 		Just spoke about this with Master.... funny i used to think i was gay. As i just had THE hardest time ever being turned on by guys. It was more like "yeah whatever" . i liked them, heck all my friends were guys.. but being turned on. Twas always like the farthest thing possible. Years upon years upon years. Usually made "relatioships" difficult. Most of my relationships were non sexual. Tis odd, you mention this. Brings me back to years of "hidden" thoughts. Was always odd to me, that i didnt even get excited.

Happily to say tho. Master seems to have cured me of that affliction quite completely. Almost too much i think. LOL

_____________________________

"Someone's got to love the stupid ppl, but it sure isnt going to be me"

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/28/2005 7:04:31 AM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1002
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Is it possible? If so, is there something wrong with Me that keeps Me from going back to vanilla? Granted, as I entered D/s at 17, I knew very little about vanilla... but vanilla would appear to be easier in finding a mate. If I could be happy with vanilla, I would have no problem. But I cannot. Sometimes... I have to be honest... sometimes being Dom seems to be a curse. Yet, other times it brings Me total peace and happiness.


You know, being kinky is like being pregnant. You either are or you aren't. For those of us who've ever tried to 'kinkify' someone we were in a vanilla relationship with, we know this all too well.

That's not to say I haven't tried to "go back" to vanilla. I dropped out of the scene for about a year and a half, and dated some very nice men. But it's a totally differant animal than dating someone who's kinky.

These were nice, financially secure, cultured guys. They were bright, funny, and treated me well. But, I didn't know anything about their sexual proclivities. I found that it made me uncomfortable not knowing with some degree of confidence what they liked other than regular sex. And that's not to say that it was bad regular sex, but for me, it was sort of like going into a nice restaurant, ordering chicken, and getting a plate with chicken. No side dish, no sauce, no garnish; I asked for chicken, and I got chicken.

With people who identify in the big world of BDSM, I have a jumping off point. I know enough not to persue other submissives, I know that if someone's into certain forms of play that they aren't compatible, and a whole slew of other predictors. I know these things going into it. In BDSM, I don't even have to sit someone down and try to explain to them that I'd like them to bend me over their knee and spank me or secure me to a St. Andrews Cross and take a flogger to me. Those things are common place to us, and theoretically should make it easier to find partners.

There's nothing wrong with you that slews of others of us haven't experienced. I waited almost 8 years and 2 bad relationships until I found the right person for me. So you go to parties and eat the food and possibly find a few people who will scratch that itch and play with you while you wait. It's hard to wait; but sometimes it's really worth it.

And for what ever it's worth to you, when I stopped looking, someone found me. Go figure.

Lily

_____________________________

If it's not fun, why bother?

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/28/2005 10:22:07 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 2294
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Is there something wrong with me? I'm turned on by LADYBOA's pic.

(in reply to LADYBOA)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The "Is there something wrong with me Dliema&q... - 9/28/2005 12:16:49 PM   
lonewolf05


Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline 		no it is not unheard of. i know a few did..and i am one of them.

remember here,.."I" did not even GET into this except a buddy of mine told me,..since i had such a hard time finding 'a' female i could wait on--hand n foot, w/o getting in my face,.."i need space, you are smothering me".......

so he showed me the internet.

the rest is history. but
i am NOT one of the herd where i look for sex n romance and all that. i strictly do domestics only. no pain s/m ..nothing.

so yeah..i wanted to step out again.. but vanilla living sucks big time. i finally found my new Ms where i am at right now..or should i say SHE actually found ME on here on collarme in my ad.

there is nothing wrong with You Yourself..........

wolf


_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"


(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 20
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