Poly and D/s (Full Version)

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Arcanum808 -> Poly and D/s (9/15/2005 12:28:28 PM)

Just some random blabbering as usual...


So, I'm polyamorous... I found that when I was with a single person, there was still some sort of void (for the lack of a better word). Then, as if champagne fell from the heavens, this wonderfully beautiful, intelligent, caring, funny, bla bla bla girl came into my life- poly like my current girl and I. The relationship started in total bliss... I found that the void was now filled, I felt as if I could rule the world. Not only were we all poly, but also into BDSM. Being the Dom I was also the alpha and the primary for both girls... though we were in a triad.

The relationship continued on and things started to get a little rocky. Individually, the terms of my D/s relationship were different with each girl... where as one wanted to be more service oriented than the other... and one desired to show more affection while the other needed her space. Safe to say, wants and desires were on both ends of the spectrum for these girls. But anyhow, we all loved each other, though the D/s side seemed to be placing a lot of pressure on the relationship. I wonder now, had the relationship been vanilla, perhaps it would have worked out a lot better.

In the end, my champagne girl decided she needed time away from me (a lot of outside influences were pointing her in the wrong direction). Heart breaking for sure... with a lot of confusion - just sort of happened over night - but it devestated the other girl in the relationship. I wonder now if she was in the poly mindset when she took her leave... she left the two of us, not just me.

The problem is definitely not D/s coupled with poly... I think D/s and poly could be the best mixture. I'm sure the relationship failed due to many things. Has anyone else out there been in a similar situation?

Cheers



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Poly and D/s (9/15/2005 12:42:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Arcanum808
The problem is definitely not D/s coupled with poly... I think D/s and poly could be the best mixture. I'm sure the relationship failed due to many things. Has anyone else out there been in a similar situation?

Cheers


Almost everyone completely messes up their first go at poly.

But then almost everyone completely messes up their first go at monogamy as well. It's a learning process.



angel59 -> RE: Poly and D/s (9/15/2005 3:31:39 PM)

I am hoping that reading these experiences will help make our first poly go smoother. I am sorry for your loss. Please know that those of us out here can feel your hurt and can sympathize with what you are going through.



tazslilbabygirl -> RE: Poly and D/s (9/15/2005 3:43:47 PM)

ORIGINAL: Arcanum808



In the end, my champagne girl decided she needed time away from me (a lot of outside influences were pointing her in the wrong direction). Heart breaking for sure... with a lot of confusion - just sort of happened over night - but it devestated the other girl in the relationship. I wonder now if she was in the poly mindset when she took her leave... she left the two of us, not just me.

The problem is definitely not D/s coupled with poly... I think D/s and poly could be the best mixture. I'm sure the relationship failed due to many things. Has anyone else out there been in a similar situation?

Cheers

[/quote]

My first poly relationship ended much the same way, suddenly, but for apparently different? reasons. Our third decided that we ahdn't all worked out the circumstances enough and consequently couldn't handle it. Since we have been searching again but are taking our sweet time to make sure we don't deal with this particular issue again.

Good Luck
The taz



thinktress -> RE: Poly and D/s (9/16/2005 12:23:22 AM)

well, like you said, the relationship probably failed due to many things. I have been in two poly relationships, both 'failing'. The second, involved D/s. i was hoping that with the structure D/s has to offer, that we would each have our 'place' and with that would come an acceptance and understanding and openness about what we each wanted and needed. And honestly, it did. poly and D/s are a harmoneous blend for me. Alas, this relationship ended because..... well... because i was scared and a bit jaded. But i just wanted to share that i believ poly and D/s can work very well together.

peace and pain



KnightofMists -> RE: Poly and D/s (9/16/2005 10:20:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thinktress

... Alas, this relationship ended because..... well... because i was scared and a bit jaded. But i just wanted to share that i believ poly and D/s can work very well together.

peace and pain



my compliment to you.... not often do we see anyone admit their own failings or contribution to failures. You courage of expressing our responsiblity should be admired... it is by me at least. Thank you for sharing.




Arcanum808 -> RE: Poly and D/s (9/16/2005 10:47:39 AM)

thanks for the comments - much appreciated.



MissChicane -> RE: Poly and D/s (9/16/2005 11:04:42 AM)

I MISS her, Arc.... *cry*



target -> RE: Poly and D/s (9/19/2005 4:18:32 AM)

My first poly was a real mess. I had a boy who was submissive but with a dom streak in him. He was getting frustrated I could tell with no outlet for it. The solution seemed to be to get him a boy of his own. We discussed it thouroughly first. I found out later that he was very very good at saying what he thought I wanted to hear and then battling himself to make it work. Found him a boy and things started off great. Oddly enough the only problems at first were with the leather club I belonged to. Jealousy I guess. They gave my boys hell waiting for my reaction. My reaction blew a whole in the club which is now pretty much defunct.
The problem was that boy 2( (pup) bonded more to me than to my boy. I think my boy was jealous and bothered that pup might be a better submissive than he even as he struggled with wanting to top pup as well as I could. I tried to let them work it out and probably should have stepped in firmer and more often.
Eventually I confronted the boy . It took quite a bit to get him to be honest and when he was he gave me an ultimatum. pup or him. I helped him pack. This left a big hole in my heart and without blaming pup it just wasn't working. Two holes. This was a love relationship as much as a D's for me and it hurt.
I swore I wouldn't try that again. Later I found a boy and was smitten over night. puppy was new to the life and looking for love first, submission second. He got both. I got lucky. I had kept pup in my life, be it at a distance. He came around to check out my new boy. I watched them bond almost instantly. Cautiously I let them play together and more formally with me after. Making it official was just declaring the obvious.
When I told puppy i wanted to give him a brother he said he had been trying to figure out how to ask me for some time.
I did a scene more ritual than play and ended it with collaring pup. He hadn't seen it coming and I didn't ask, I just claimed. His body almost went limp. Like a huge burden had been lifted. They ended up all mushy and teary and then we ended up on the playroom floor quite exhausted. Its going on 5 years now and going strong. The only recurring blip is that I'm sure its in the back of pups mind that i let him go once. Its fading away. There is no number one and number two...they are brothers and lovers and individuals with different strenghts and different needs. And I am a lucky bastard.



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