Need some advice on Poly

Need some advice on Poly (Full Version)

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Grimmbear -> Need some advice on Poly (8/16/2005 6:27:40 AM)
I'm in a very open gay relationship. My husband John and I have been church married for 10 years now and legaly in MA for just over a year. We are very open and honest about or "dalliances" and have a few friends who play with us both. My problem is that we each find a person we think fits the family perfectly but the other person gets pissyabout te new person. I'm at my whits end here. Can someone give me words of encouragement?

ChereeAmoor -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/16/2005 6:38:57 AM)
"It may not happen ON time, but when it happens, it is the RIGHT time" Native American elder It can be really frustrating, you have my sympathy. The only thing that worked for us was that our partner was our best friend. There was very little point in our selecting someone separately! Good luck, and don't get too discouraged!

Grimmbear -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/16/2005 6:52:36 AM)
Thanks ChereeAmoor, That has been an issue. We're attracted to very different people.

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/16/2005 8:09:49 AM)
quote: We're attracted to very different people. Yet you found something in each other that bonds you into one.... You, apparently, are attracted to people like him and he, apparently, is attracted to people like you... There lies the problem. (not that it's a bad thing... you're a very cute couple!) Perhaps the two of you need to sit down and find a middle ground. Set "hard" limits about what you will and will not accept from a third person and then discuss the reasoning behind the limits. When one starts to get pissy about it then it's time to talk... frankly... about it. Is he being pissy because of a personality clash or is there a small degree of jealousy? When I was younger my parents once told me "We trust you, we just don't trust them." Well, how deep was that trust exactly? When they didn't think I could be "trusted" to make the right decision concerning the other person? Trust can be a wide blanket or it can be extremely narrow. I think ChereeAmoor has a good point... make your selections as a couple. Granted it isn't always easy but then again.. Anything worth having is worth working/fighting/waiting for, isn't it? Jewel Oh yeah.... welcome to the boards... always wonderful to see new faces here!!!

Grimmbear -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/16/2005 9:03:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel quote: We're attracted to very different people. (not that it's a bad thing... you're a very cute couple!) Oh yeah.... welcome to the boards... always wonderful to see new faces here!!! LOL Your check is in the mail. And thanks. I'm finding this a very groovy place

Cloaked -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/16/2005 10:25:34 AM)
As far as making the decision as a couple. First figure out if you even want another person in the house. Its one thing to have 'dalliances' or 'playmates' as I call them. Its another thing entire to bring someone into the family. Is it something you even want to do? But, as always, to Me anyway, If one member of the family says No, thats all she/he wrote.

Grimmbear -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/16/2005 11:18:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Cloaked As far as making the decision as a couple. First figure out if you even want another person in the house. Its one thing to have 'dalliances' or 'playmates' as I call them. Its another thing entire to bring someone into the family. Is it something you even want to do? But, as always, to Me anyway, If one member of the family says No, thats all she/he wrote. Ah but there's the rub Cloaked. If you have ever seen the old Sitcom "Dharma and Greg" That is John and I in a nutshell. (Yeah.. I'm the ditzy metaphysical one) John is this rennaissance man who can do anything but his social skills are sometimes a but skewed and he's way too into Ebay. Me I'm the big teddybear who speaks to animals and reads auras, I'm also the one with the RPG monkey. [:D] We met a young guy who's not much of a "Bear" but is extreemly smart and a Mathmatics teacher at Temple University. He is very much in love with us both but I think because Dave and I have RPGs in common and it's something John has no experience in (and wants none) It puts a strain on John and me. Dave recently moved to complete his schooling but will be back every other weekend and I just want this to work so badly. John's main problem with Dave is the fact that he cannot drive the speed limit. (He's gone 70 in a 25 mile an hour zone) I hate it to but all I had to do was ask him to slow down and he does. and Dave's ass could make DaVinci cry with joy.

ChereeAmoor -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/16/2005 11:23:55 AM)
RPG? ohh, no, that can't be an issue here! One of my Masters is a Civil War buff, and that bores the ass off of me! Another of my Masters is very very spiritual, and I am as irreverent as the day is long! The key is in balance - and if you all love each other, you all balance each other out, that is worth worlds. You can make it work, because you want to so badly! Hugs, and really rootin' for ya!

Grimmbear -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/16/2005 11:29:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChereeAmoor RPG? ohh, no, that can't be an issue here! One of my Masters is a Civil War buff, and that bores the ass off of me! Another of my Masters is very very spiritual, and I am as irreverent as the day is long! The key is in balance - and if you all love each other, you all balance each other out, that is worth worlds. You can make it work, because you want to so badly! Hugs, and really rootin' for ya! It's not the only issue but it seems to be a big one for John. H seems to think I spend to much time playing on the weekends and not enough rebuilding the house. He knows however that I have all the handyman skills of an epileptic squid.

MsPurrmeow -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/16/2005 6:21:55 PM)
I'd recommend sitting down and writing things out in a technical manner. The answer, is to not HAVE to include the third in everything, but to make sure that the effort is equitable in all directions. (Equitable, remember that, equal is not a reality.) Write things down. If someone thinks you spend too much time doing one thing, then get it very, very clear about how much time they think should you should be doing it and how much time THEY think you should be working on the house. Start the conversations from there. There is usually a fear of abandonment issue, or self-esteem thing behind those types of statements that need to be handled out in the open. Make sure you spend time with all three together, and if you have time with just one, set a time to go check in with the third for an affectionate grope, just to keep them in the picture, even if they are not in the activity. This is usually about being left behind, and although we know it's not the reality, our hearts do funny things to us from time to time. It doesn't hurt to take a few minutes to care for each other in the middle of a game. We are much in the same boat. Of three of us, two are geeks, two are nudists, two like tennis, two like sci-fi, thwo RPG, two like comedy, two like long drives to nowhere and back and two like trips to museums about mechanical flying apparatus. Those "two" in those things changes for each and every one. We may overlap, but we are not all identical in interests. I do a game night with one husband, but watch Law & Order with the other. The "odd one out" needs to work on seeing this time as an opportunity to focus on himself. Even as the crux of the "V", I get my own time alone when the boys are out doing something they enjoy. That's the way we turn this around from being "left behind" to being blessed with personal time. Good luck. Purr

Grimmbear -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/16/2005 6:42:45 PM)
Thank you so much MsPurrmeow. I don't think anyone could have put that better. It's funny because that's very much the dynamic John, Dave and I have. They can talk cars until the end of time while I could care less. John and I are huge Python fans and Dave has no sense of humor to speak of (That's a joke). And Dave and I are part of a weekly D&D game Wizardru's Savage sword of Meepo if your interested. I play Bolo Brandybuck

ChereeAmoor -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/17/2005 7:27:55 AM)
An epileptic squid? [:D] Wow, and I thought I was tool-impaired!! But it is a learnable bunch of skills. Give me a pincher, squeezer, pounder, and a cutter, and I can really DO some things to the house!! You really can make it work. Your posts show humor and thoughtfulness and love for both - maybe a good long talk about how much time gets spent on the necessary things?

Grimmbear -> RE: Need some advice on Poly (8/17/2005 7:45:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChereeAmoor Give me a pincher, squeezer, pounder, and a cutter, and I can really DO some things to the house!! Is it bad that I'm turned on by that? [&:] Thanks for all of the help. I am very glad I stumbled on this site.John and I have talked about what you all have been saying and we're getting more in tune with what we both are looking for.

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