RE: Subs - how to get a dominant interested

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RE: Subs - how to get a dominant interested - and stay interested

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RE: Subs - how to get a dominant interested - and stay ... - 8/15/2005 1:09:07 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 2933
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito
My advice: just be yourself. If you're a horn dog with nothing but your next kinky orgasm on your mind then by all means do the person you're talking to a favour and state that right up front. Either they'll jump on the bandwagon with you or they'll walk. If you're seriously hoping to find a compatible partner for whatever flavour of BDSM relationship you want then concentrate on overall compatibility. The person you're talking to will either jump on the bandwagon with you or they'll walk. Either way, being yourself is a damn good way to seperate the wheat from the chaff regardless of whether you're looking for a kinky playmate or a life partner.

I never thought of this perspective because I'm among the people annoyed by folks who approach me only from the sexual angle; but you make a great point, because there are certainly plenty of dominants who are exactly that way, and so there is nothing wrong with being yourself (even if you are a "horndog", lol) especially since it might immediately clear up sexual compatibility issues. M

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"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

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RE: Subs - how to get a dominant interested - and stay ... - 8/16/2005 12:41:00 PM

submale34uk

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/12/2005
Status: offline

This is a really well thought out post and thought that I would add my two pennies worth from a male (and sometimes sub) perspective and highlight some of the mistakes that I have made.

I think at first I was guilty of not seeing past the hand that holds the whip so to speak and at times, probably still am but, if you take the BDSM side a given (and lets face it, it is this commonality that we are all here for) and start from the opposite side and that is that the who you are talking to is a person. Hopefully it is not some imposter but a real-life person. If you take the time to get to know them, then you stand that much more of a chance of meeting and clicking. Also, if you do meet and there is no connection, be upfront and say so, it doesn't mean to say you can't be sociable and make a friendship. If nothing else, it means they may put in a good word for you and what you need to know, is that if you have a bad reputation you can be sure that the word will get around. Anyone would think that Dommes like to gossip....

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

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Post #: 22

RE: Subs - how to get a dominant interested - and stay ... - 8/16/2005 6:10:05 PM

Shayna

Posts: 175
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submale34uk

If nothing else, it means they may put in a good word for you and what you need to know, is that if you have a bad reputation you can be sure that the word will get around. Anyone would think that Dommes like to gossip....

ROFL! Naw, we don't do that

(in reply to submale34uk)

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Post #: 23

RE: Subs - how to get a dominant interested - and stay ... - 8/17/2005 11:32:45 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 2933
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submale34uk
If you take the time to get to know them, then you stand that much more of a chance of meeting and clicking. Also, if you do meet and there is no connection, be upfront and say so, it doesn't mean to say you can't be sociable and make a friendship. If nothing else, it means they may put in a good word for you and what you need to know, is that if you have a bad reputation you can be sure that the word will get around.

Sounds like you know of what you speak, and yes Dommes will tell each other their impression of a person, so it definitely pays to treat everyone well whenever possible. M

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"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to submale34uk)

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RE: Subs - how to get a dominant interested - and stay ... - 8/18/2005 2:15:17 PM

Taik

Posts: 249
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline

I am of the opinion that if you are looking for a LTR you better well be prepared to learn all about the vanilla before you get to any of the toppings. There really are more things to life then kinks, and relationships (D/s or otherwise) are about sharing each other and experiences. You need to be prepared to entertain her and please her in ways outside of the bedroom and kink. The only way you are going to be able to do that is to get to know her. So it is in your best intrest (for those thinking of themselves) to stop thinking about your kinks and your gratification and start asking her what she likes to read, what type of movies she enjoys, what topics does she enjoy conversing over. I'm willing to bet she'd be more apt to let you enjoy one of your intests for a time if you had just taken the time to surpirse her with a book from her favorite author or tickets to the theater. Who knows maybe you'll get lucky and she'll take you to the show on a leash.

As for looking for a Domme... I would be amazed if one ever actually took the time to write me first (no thats not a self loathing outlook), mostly becuase I imagine they are pretty well swamped with messages as it is. Not to mention in my own opinion, as a sub I expect to do foot work, that dosnt mean im going to take away her chance to persue, capture and enjoy. It means that I'm going to take the time to read, forums, to read profiles, to better myself, it means taking some iniative and write a Domme, and I'm going to ask her about the most important thing in a sub's life... HER!!!!

Now so you found someone who intrests you and she took the time (out of her 300 other emails) to write you back. Obviously you did something to catch her attention, nows your chance ask her about HER .. about the vanilla, about her life, about work, about friends and family, anything just ask about her. After all she is the center of your world you better know everything you can about her. Keep her engaged, discover something she likes to discuss and talk to her about it, and please show some genuine intrest. Yu dont need to ask her everything or discuss everything in one e-mail... relationships take time so take time in learning about her. Sooner or later kinks will come up either on accident, a natural flow of conversation, or becuase she intenetionaly broached the subject. Now you've made it this far don't pile your laundry list of intrests and kinks on her =p take the time to learn hers and you better well be expecting to try some of hers if you havnt done them before =p after all its her happiness and enjoyment not yours that you should be seeking.

Now for all the subs out there (reguardless of the type of Dom/Domme you seek) for your own sake and your own mental and physical health please remember you are Human. Being a sub (in my opinion) is about seeing to her/his happiness and welfare, one would think that your Dom/Domme should be the center of your world. Now believe it or not this is possible with out being self loathing, you need to think about who and what you are and take time to explore yourself. You need to establish confidence in yourself, your abilitys, and your ability to please. I would think Mistress's and Masters alike would prefer a Sub of strong charatcer who is confident in themselves and there abilitys to serve and please, over a doormat sub who hates themselves and cowers in the corner afraid to ask what he/she may do to keep thier Dom/Domme happy. In a world where nothing is fair and most things are judged on appearnce Confidence, Bearing, and Strength of Character will ALWAYS set you apart from your peers.

Soooo thats just my 2 cents.

And for those to subs busy or lazy to read the whole thing... Do some soul searching decide who and what you are, take confidence in your abilitys to please, and remeber kinks aren't everything they are just toppings on the bowl of Vanilla Ice Cream.

Lastly I apologize for the noxious grammer and spelling that I'm sure is present but I cant seem to find at 11pm

_____________________________

Self proklaimed speln perrfeshional.

(Yes I know my spelling is bad but I'm working on it)

*Note to self Grammar ends with Ar not Er* Doh!

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

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Post #: 25

RE: Subs - how to get a dominant interested - and stay ... - 8/18/2005 4:38:50 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 1062
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Taik

And for those to subs busy or lazy to read the whole thing... Do some soul searching decide who and what you are, take confidence in your abilitys to please, and remeber kinks aren't everything they are just toppings on the bowl of Vanilla Ice Cream.

I just had to say that I love this ... You seem to have a very good concept of yourself and what you are looking for, and it's just too damn bad that you're 2/3 of the country away ...

(in reply to Taik)

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Post #: 26

RE: Subs - how to get a dominant interested - and stay ... - 8/20/2005 1:05:45 PM

LadyofLight

Posts: 60
Status: offline

I have to agree with what is written.
it is a total turn off to me for the sub to talk right off the bat about sex.Makes me think they are the needy-greedy selfish type sub that only is interested in their kinks.
I enjoy the mental engagement,the getting to know someone first.The physical aspect is the icing on the cake so to speak.I don't want to be engaged in o/l play either.Knowing someone is sitting their whacking their weinnie to the conversation of sex pure pisses me off.
I dont think there needs to be eons spent emailing or chatting on the phone but enough to see if the two peolpe that are thinking of becoming involved are compatible in vanilla activities(out of the bedroom).Then perhaps a face to face to see if their is mutual chemistry.
Then things can progress at a rate that is the Domme pursuing the sub.
I can't stand for a sub to email me once.I reply, then they want to go straight to IM to talk of sexual activities.I'll cut it off right then and there.

(in reply to AAkasha)

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Post #: 27

RE: Subs - how to get a dominant interested - and stay ... - 9/19/2005 8:40:47 PM

sebastian63

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/19/2005
Status: offline

Very informative thread-which also means very confusing.

Genuine question from a newbie: Isn't it, in the end, a 50/50 deal? Meaning, in a scene, it's 50% each person's "kinks" aka turn-ons? I'm not sure how to separate my "kinks" from my desire to make Her happy. My "kinks" are the stepping stones towards the vast reserves of trust I have and long to give. Without bringing my "kinks" into play, there's nothing there for me. How can I put her needs first? Isn't that then just playing out my "kink" of putting her needs first?

Am I not a sub if I am more turned-on being spanked with a riding crop than with an old plastic spatula and I voice that preference or "kink"?

Looking forward to responses from the vastly more experienced here.

(in reply to Taik)

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Post #: 28