The Question of Written Contracts (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles



Message

shay -> The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 2:18:53 AM)

i've been around a fairly good length of time, and once again i am considering a "training collar". This will mean going 24/7 again, and i'm wondering at the validity and the neccessity of a written contract. i myself have never had a written contract in the past and have regretted not having one before.

What i am wondering is if perhaps i should consider asking for one this time. i have heard many pros and cons on their use. Now i have to wonder if maybe by being poly i have a greater NEED for a written contract than if it were a "One on one" relationship since there is obviously more than two people involved.

Could it be i am looking to justify or pacify that part of me that has been hurt from past relationships? Trying to make sure past mistakes are not made again? i dont know.

If you are in a poly relationship, did you use contracts at least initially? You know, when you brought that first "third" person in? Wouldn't it be safer? (We do supposedly live SSC). Not so much so you can wave the paper in the air, but to be sure that all parties involved hold up to their responsibilities?

Face it, there are times when "my word is good enough" winds up just not being good enough. So my question is this: is entering a poly relationship WITH a contract more logical than not having one? Or does feeling i NEED a contract show that i really am not ready for it at all?

Confusingly posted~
shay



stormsfate -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 5:06:30 AM)

We do not have and never have had a contract. People make contracts every day (i.e. marriage contracts) and it doesn't seem to stop things from going wrong. Trust and communication being the biggest elements in poly, imo, we simply have to trust that everyone is looking out for the best interests of the whole.

However, I have seen at least one very well written poly contract. It really layed out specifics, but was geared towards the protection of the core couple.

best regards,
fate



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 5:23:54 AM)

I've never desired nor required a written contract.

If you feel they are logical in monogamous relationships, then there's no reason they wouldn't be logical in closed fidelitous poly relationships. Open relationships however would likely become too complicated.

It's a personal choice, contracts are for your benefit, they aren't legal and they won't really mean anything to anyone else. So decide what will work for you. As long as you understand the expectations, the responsibilities and the standards for which you will live, it should be good.



SavannahSIR -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 8:04:07 AM)

W/we two do have a fairly simple contract that we update annually. We also have a thousand and one conversations and verbal agreements that are related to it, but not written. It's probably more relevant if you are living together since a live-in relationship can be recognized as common-law marriage in some 15 states. And I think it's especially important in 24/7 power exchange where some or all of one's life & properties may be largely, or entirely given to the control of another. Stepping outside of limited scenes into 24/7 lifestyle one's power, authority and rights, acknowledged or not, are often at the heart of much of a D/s relationship. In it's simplest form, for example, are you granting your Dom the authority to... say... open all your mail without asking you, anytime S/He wishes. Or, in an extreme, I suppose one could imagine granting one's Dom authorities over you & your life that are more akin to "guardianship" or "power of attorney."

Humans err and forget. Unrecorded conversations may provide the groundwork for guidelines, but mutually decided expectations are more easily remembered... AND ammended... when written.

Poly is more complex. If you feel you NEED a written contract you should GET one.



shay -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 8:26:33 AM)

thank You SavannahSIR.

i have heard often of people who don't like written contracts. In fact i have worked in places where they did not want anything documented and often wondered if the same principle applies.

Is it too much for me to ask for things in writing when in negotiations? After all, this is a cross country move i am contemplating, far outside my normal "stomping grounds". i suppose all i can do is ask for one and see what the answer is and consider things from there on out.

Is it disrespectful to feel (not neccessarily say) that "His/Their word" is not good enough? that this is such a life changing move that i NEED it in writing?

i would think, if done right, that a yearly contract could be used as a learning tool. i dont see contracts as being "a way out".

Thank everyone for their responses. i look forward to other responses as well. As you can see, i have many thoughts and questions.

respectfully posted~
shay



LordOmy -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 9:08:01 AM)

I always use a contract as a way of setting up a foundation and list of expectations. If your someone that likes structure, your going to like a contract.

Suggested process:

A) Develope an outline as to what you want to cover in the contract.
This should include a start and end date. Private and public conduct. Expectations for the Dominant and the submissive/slave. What the Dominant does and does not have control over. A termination agreement.

B) Discuss them with your partner. Each one, point by point. You both have to agree to it. Otherwise it's value is meaningless. If your Dominant won't negotiate...then that's a flag you have to pay attention to.

C) Draw up a draft of the contract for each of you to review. There are many examples available on the net, so I won't post one here.

D) Review the contract separately from your partner..make notes. Then discuss each and every point. Don't skip any.

Remember that open and honest communication is key. They are easy words to say..harder to live by. If you bury a concern, it will only come back and bite you in the ass later.

Be well,

Omy
Owner of sultry spirit



shay -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 11:06:28 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LordOmy

C) Draw up a draft of the contract for each of you to review. There are many examples available on the net, so I won't post one here.


You mentioned many examples on the net, can You guide me to where applicable examples for poly relationships might be found?

goes off in search on my own, appreciating all the help and advice~
shay



LordOmy -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 11:38:22 AM)


From a google search where I entered "BDSM CONTRACTS"

http://ca.geocities.com/bdsm_canada/magvol1iss1/the_d_s_contracts.htm

http://www.cuffs.com/kinkylinks/Contracts_BDSM/

http://www.bdsmcircle.net/dslifestyle/contracts.htm

Be well,

Omy
Owner of sultry spirit



shay -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 6:14:27 PM)

thank You Sir, You helped me a great deal. Looking over the various contracts has given me a lot to think about, a lot to discuss.

Did You however notice that there is not one single "Poly" Contract available to peruse? I wonder what one would look like, how it would be percieved, if there even are such things out there, and why not if not.

Thank You again and thanks to everyone who has posted their advice.

respectfully posted~
shay



stormsfate -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 6:30:41 PM)

Here is the one I mentioned previously. Its geared toward the primary partners, though, so may not be what you are looking for. http://www.scarletletters.com/current/021403_nf_rk.html



best regards,
fate



asissyforher -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 8:47:18 PM)

never been asked to look at one let alone sign one....and......they dont hold up in court...i was taught a man's word is enough....

sorry.

i am no help.

a slave



shay -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 10:30:53 PM)

hi sissy,

sometimes you learn that a person's word ISNT good enough. maybe through no fault of either party, sometimes just a lack of communication or one waiting for the other to do something.

im just covering all bases here, but its nice to know your out there watching and care enough to post.

thank you,
shay



shay -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/14/2005 10:32:08 PM)

This was a very interesting read fate, thank you for posting the link. i have to admit in all my searches i had never found anything like it.

thank you again,
shay



asissyforher -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/15/2005 1:33:14 AM)

Lord Omy;

not to be a pain here...really...but i hope..if anyone ever asks me about a contract..IF.....i have a problem with the wording in those links You put up......
the love and sex parts......neither are in "my" part of the d/s....

i would have-to-have something written up w/o any mention of love or sex in it..

but its just me here.

a sissy slave



stormsfate -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/15/2005 3:33:35 AM)

I'm just wondering why a person's signature on a contract that is unenforceabled would somehow be better than his/her word? I can understand the use of contracts to clarify and for negotiation purposes and perhaps so all of the parties remember the terms of their negotiations, but to rely on something as absolute simply because it was included in the contract seems like it would be setting someone up for a big letdown. If their word is no good, it won't be any better written down.

best regards,
f



asissyforher -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/15/2005 8:13:32 AM)

If their word is no good, it won't be any better written down.



exactly...i was told growing up, your word is your bond..so i never ask about contracts and i always felt it was silly anyway...it cannot be enforced..i have always known i have the right to get up some morning and say no and leave,.........just like my ex wives, i know a domme can get up one morning and say get out......

its how "i" look at it anyway.
is this too vanilla for you? i never know really.

a sissy slave



LordOmy -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/16/2005 4:41:49 AM)

They have been pretty much a D/s spin to them. However, if the process is followed and discussed, I don't see why you can't come up woth your own.

I do have a good friend that is in a triad...I'll ask him if he has any resources.

One more thing to consider...if your nervous about entering a poly household. If you don't have complete trust in the Dominant. If you aren't friendly with the other girl. How do you expect it to work?

Be well,

Omy
Owner of sultry spirit



DominaBea -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/21/2005 8:09:29 AM)

I have to agree with Lord Omy here.

I think that contracts provide a good base of expetation when entering into a relationship that has no real legal or public forum for that kind of legitmacy. Vanillas can get married etc .. we have nothing which allows for that kind of declaration and or safeguarding.

Contracting can be of that same vein, especially if you are not in this just to get off and try something 'naughty'. I think it makes both parties aknowlegde what is expected, and what it all actually means to them.

Sure, there are other ways of doing this, in personal declaration and stuff, but making a contractual response to each other really is saying a lot to each other, that it is more than just desires and hidden away beliefs and is something you are willing to make legally binding.. a strong and legitmate foundation.



ruthfw -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/21/2005 5:58:01 PM)

A contract certainly is helpful for clarifying expectations. I wrote up a set of expectations before I ever asked my former pet to draft a contract (the soul of which was those expectations).

I very much enjoyed reading what he added to it, and I think he liked the idea of signing a document which affirmed my ownership of him.

The story didn't end happily, but I would use one again with someone who wanted to be owned.



terah -> RE: The Question of Written Contracts (6/21/2005 10:44:06 PM)

I believe contracts have there place. If you bring in a large sum of imcome and personal belonging you want to make sure that all is well cared for and not squandered. It also sewrve to our line you immediate health care needs if any. Or if you have children and all are agreed to them joining the poly, but with that who will discipline and care for them when the primary parent is away at work.

So all in all I don't see a contract as a bad thing but some written guideline that all agree too.

Terah



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Collarchat.com is a member of the Free Speech Coalition
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.0390625