learning to trust

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learning to trust - 4/11/2004 9:07:05 PM

wildpony

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this is a question for subs and slaves involved in long-distance relationships: how can you trust someone who lives so far away? i have the most wonderful Dom, and he has never given me a reason to mistrust him, but all these doubts and suspicions are starting to poison me. he had a sub before me, and she's the one i worry about. how do i know she's gone? how do i keep from going crazy? how do i keep from driving him away? help!

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RE: learning to trust - 4/11/2004 9:16:28 PM

MistressKiss

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Bless your little pea-picking heart. I KNOW this is a difficult thing. Keep your eyes open. Listen to your heart. Trust your intuitions. Don't be afraid to trust.

I have been through experiences that make it extremely difficult for me to trust, and there are many things that are involved. I have been in a relationship in which I was certain he was not seeing another woman, but I was not sure if he really worked where I thought he did. I was finding dishonesty in little things...not big things, but this is just as painful. Honesty is honesty...big or tall...and the truth is the truth....no matter how small.

Wait, that's the Whoville people...oh, never mind.

Ask questions and investigate. Try to verify what you are being told. It may sound a little paranoid, but I do check people out...even those I have known a while. If they are being honest....I feel even better...if not...how long have I been hood-winked? (That's a Southern term for all of you in other parts of the world...grins)

My heart is a precious thing to me. I don't want it broken any more times than it already has been. Who knows when it will break beyond repair? I'm a careful girl...hesitant...and have still found what I thought was the best of men, as fallible souls --- JUST LIKE ME. No one is perfect and I think sometimes we look for and expect perfect. You have to weigh what is important to you. Don't be afraid to care and love....yet be careful for yourself, too.

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RE: learning to trust - 4/12/2004 12:28:20 AM

Estring

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wildpony, this has nothing to do with long distance. It has to do with you being unable to trust. My guess is that even if he lived next door, you would still have doubts and suspicions.
You said that he is wonderful and has never given you a reason to mistrust him. So why do you? I don't believe it has anything to do with distance.

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RE: learning to trust - 4/12/2004 2:04:23 AM

inyouagain

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Well spoken MistressKiss and Estring.

I would recommend doing some soul searching and take a good hard look at "what" doubts and suspicions are bothering you. Are they valid concerns based on his actions or inactions? Are they self-confidence based issues (that as you say, may drive him away)?

Determine the true source of your feelings. If they are not from him, then why address them with him until you have addressed them with the true source, possibly yourself?

I recall seeing you mention feeling insecure in the thread named Going the distance, and you had started the thread asking what was the key to submission. Many of the answers to that thread from two months ago still apply, and it would make me ask how long you have been a submissive... are there insecurities based on your experience compared to his last sub's experience?

If your own insecurities and/or inexperience is causing your doubt's about trusting him, then I would ask what has he got to do with your personal issues?

Find the source and deal with it first, then it may quickly be old news. Some other threads you may find of interest are girl need some advice please, and controlling my jealousy. Not that your situation parallels either, but they may help to focus perspective.

Best wishes

Inyouagain

< Message edited by inyouagain -- 4/13/2004 12:17:58 AM >

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RE: learning to trust - 4/12/2004 12:57:02 PM

sub4hire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wildpony

this is a question for subs and slaves involved in long-distance relationships: how can you trust someone who lives so far away? i have the most wonderful Dom, and he has never given me a reason to mistrust him, but all these doubts and suspicions are starting to poison me. he had a sub before me, and she's the one i worry about. how do i know she's gone? how do i keep from going crazy? how do i keep from driving him away? help!

I'd have to echo the others points of view here. Is he giving you reason to mistrust him? You say he is'nt but is he? Is it a past relationship you have had that gives you those doubts?
You need to get to the root of the problem. Comminicate with the Dom. All good relationships are based on communication. Generally people I don't trust have given me some sort of sign not to trust them. Perhaps you are'nt getting the amount of attention you think you should be? The questions are too numerous to ask here.
So, my simple advice would be talk to him, work it out. Tell him your fears. Odds are you have no reason to mistrust him.

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RE: learning to trust - 4/12/2004 1:08:48 PM

rwmbk

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quote:

how can you trust someone who lives so far away?

Long distance implies you have met the person but live apart. i agree it pretty much all boils down to trust. Now for online serving where you have never actually met the other person, i feel there really aren't sound intuitions until you've actually met.

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RE: learning to trust - 4/13/2004 1:36:32 PM

wildpony

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deleted

< Message edited by wildpony -- 4/14/2004 3:51:29 PM >

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RE: learning to trust - 4/13/2004 10:51:35 PM

Estring

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I am really wondering what is going on in your relationship. The last thing you need added to everything else is a another woman thrown into the mix. What the hell?

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RE: learning to trust - 4/14/2004 1:53:29 AM

EsotericEnigma

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quote:

but His needs come first, i understand ... i don't want to lose me, either. help?

my opinion is that your well-being (be it mental, physical, or emotion) should come before another's desires (it really isn't a "need"). if i were in your place, and it wasn't a previous agreement then i wouldn't stay in the relationship. if he needs more, then why hang on to something that isn't fully satisfying to him (or both?)..

< Message edited by EsotericEnigma -- 4/14/2004 1:54:14 AM >

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RE: learning to trust - 4/14/2004 2:57:21 AM

inyouagain

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wildpony
...so my new question is, how does a fairly, OK very, possessive, somewhat insecure woman maintain her sanity knowing the Dom she loves and serves is with another woman? i don't want to lose Him, but i don't want to lose me, either. help?

I did not find a profile on the main site for you wildpony. I was curious to see if you had checked polyamorous, for if you are not I think you may be heading down heartbreak highway.

It will forever be most difficult for you, as a non poly, very possessive, somewhat insecure woman who "loves" this Dom, to trust this Dom who is evidently very poly, or acts so to your knowledge anyway. You can obviously trust him to be poly.

Had I known this tidbit previously, my first post would read the same as this one does. One of the most imperative things you alone must do is to protect yourself, always. BDSM is a consensual deal between parties... what happens is consensual despite the various forms of foreplay, and if you don't like or can't handle it, most often the deal is off. In discussing and negotiating with your Dom, it's surprising that you seemed to get to "love" him without discovering who or what he is... especially his being poly.

I'm sorry, but your descriptions of him being wonderful, while you'd rather be alone with him on a desert island (despite being told he will have other subs), makes you appear to be starry-eyed or wearing rose colored glasses and not accepting reality.

It is unlikely he will drop being poly and relocate to a desert island to be alone with you, or that you will ever be in a true one-on-one relationship with him. Yet you refer to him as wonderful... why? It seems that you are incompatible with one other, unless you are "in the closet poly" and he has discovered that within you. If this was a humiliation, I don't think you would be posting about it here.

You've brought this up before, a couple months ago... so I have to ask you has it gotten any better since then, or has it worsened?

Ask yourself who is looking out for whom.

best wishes and good luck

Inyouagain

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RE: learning to trust - 4/14/2004 3:49:40 PM

wildpony

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hang on everyone: i mischaracterized this. He is not seeing other women or planning to. W/we are exploring others - women only - for both of U/us. i was just in my worst-case scenario way saying what if, and asking You all for suggestions on coping, if it goes beyond that. He wants to keep it exciting, for both of U/us, for the long run. yes, my needs are important, but my main need is Him.
someone asked about my profile. i had to deactivate it. i am "untamed" now.

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